Blindsided by DH telling me tonight he’s had enough of our marriage

[Jack32]

It was a normal Friday night tonight, got the baby and toddler asleep at 7, DH went out to pick up our take away and we watched our Netflix series. I asked him what’s the plan this weekend, I checked the weather app and mentioned how I’d be going for my jog first thing if the rain stayed away, around 8am. It’s a new thing I’ve taken up since the baby so keep fit. I normally get up at 6am with the kids, take them downstairs, feed them, wash, dress them while DH stays in bed. He comes downstairs to take care of them while I’m out for an hour jogging. I like to get it done early so we can spend the day together. Tonight he completely snapped at me when I said about my jog. He said he dreads the weekend with me, hates the weekend, is fed up of this marriage. I was blind sighted, I reached to grab his hand and asked if he was OK and he snatched his hand back so coldly. He said just leave me alone. I was so shocked, I’ve gone upstairs to bed and I feel sick. What should I do or say ?!

It could be a smokescreen. Men cheating in this scenario will generally lie and lie. And it will be quite believable. So I wouldn’t discount that possibility.

What did he say when you pointed out that feeing a bit stressed is not a reason to announce you want a divorce? becuase surely that is the issue here? I mean, absolutely, if he's struggling, he should talk to you about it. But threatening divorce every time he feels a bit stressed is NOT a useful or productive way to manage problems and all it does is cause YOU a great deal of stress and uncertainty and inevitably, you'll be thinking "shit, if I ask him to do this, is he going to be overwhelmed and thtreaten divorce again".

So I stick with my original view. this is a man who doesn't want the effort of parentign and who is using threats of divorce to keep you on edge, and doing more than your fair share. The fact that this is happening when you're taking a bit more time for yourself is NOT a coincidence.

I'm really really sorry but based on your update I believe his controlling behaviours, whether consious or unconscious, but all designed very much to ensure he doesn't have to a) do more or b) take responsibility are going to get worse.

PS - in 20 years including some real corker arguments, there was only ONE where any sort of discussion of divorce came up. And frankly, that was when we were at our absolute lowest and in a terrible place and the fact that it even came up was a MASSIVE kick up the ass for both of us to do the work to fix it.

Maybe he sees you changing and making good habits and coping, not that that condones what he said, and maybe he feels like he is not.

I don't think this sounds terrible. He finds it difficult to open up and to communicate but it sounds like he has tried. He is your husband and I would do him the courtesy of believing what he says. I know a lot of posters here are adamant that there is another woman but this would be the case regardless of what he said and what you posted. A certain cohort on here always believe there's another woman and never believe a word from a man's mouth. I hope you are more sensible than that OP. It sounds absolutely plausible to me that he is feeling some financial pressure. And OF COURSE he misses his old freedoms and he finds this stage of parenting challenging. I am a SAHM and I miss my old freedoms and I have found the early years challenging. The early years are difficult and they put pressure on a relationship. I don't see why you wouldn't believe that what he says is true.

I don't think you necessarily need counseling either. It's not the answer to everything. We had a stage when our daughter was about a year old when things were very difficult and my partner felt very under pressure and stressed and tired (and both children were good sleepers). It happens. We had some tough months but we got through it. Everything is a phase and it all passes. Things will get easier. It's important to remember that you are team and you love each other.

If you still feel that your husband misses his lie in on a Saturday even if he won't admit it, maybe consider having your run a little later on in the morning. I absolutely cherish my one lie in a week and would hate not to have it. Try to be kind to each other and it will come right.

I don't think thre's another woman.

I do think threatening divorce because you want your lie ins back, or because you can't go get drunk with your wife on a saturday night then come nack and have boozy sex is a ridiculous, manipulative, controlling, immature thing to do.

Fully agree that it's ridiculous and immature. On the face of it I wouldn't be prepared to say it's manipulative and controlling. I have said terrible things while really stressed and suffering and I have had terrible things said to me. He absolutely should not have said what he did and the OP deserves an apology and an explanation, which she has received even if she's not happy with them.

I don't think it's as simple as threatening divorce because he wants his lie ins back. I think he is probably overwhelmed and stressed. Which is entirely understandable because this is a difficult time. I am not remotely surprised that he feels this way. He needs to manage it better and find ways to deal with it but in the circumstances I would cut him some slack, in the same way I would hope he would do the same for the OP if she was feeling like this.

You and I intrinsically disagree then.

I believe that talking about divorce is only something you do when you are literally at your wits end. AND... if you go tha troute, you need to be prepared to do the work to either solve the problem, or go through with the divorce. Neither of which OP's Dh is apparently doing. he's thrown this grenade in and when she challenged him, he's bleated about how hard his life is rather than accepting that he needs to take responsibility for what he said.

I have no time for this sort of game playing.

Fair enough. I think it's one of those things that can be said in the heat of the moment and not meant. That doesn't make it acceptable of course. I also think that if the problem is that he's finding life hard, talking about it is what needs to be done. I don't think that's "bleating on" and I have a feeling you wouldn't say the OP was "bleating" if she was the one unhappy.

Fair point re "bleating". I think in this context, I was referring specifically to him using relatiively minor issues to justify the hand grenade he threw into their relationship. In the case of OP, I don't think her being upset by her husband threatening divorce is "bleating". But nonetheless, a better, less facetious word choice probably would have been better!

Interestingly, in DH's family, there is form for arguments to lead to some very outrageous statements that they all then just ignore and forget about 30 seconds later. So perhaps you come from a similar background.

I don't come from that kind of background but I have definitely said things I didn't mean and have things that weren't meant said to me and yes, sometimes they can be very upsetting. For me, what the OP's husband said would only count as throwing a grenade into life if he actually meant it. If it's something said in the heat of the moment while he's feeling really under strain and pressure, then I would say please don't say that again and expect apologies but then yep, I'm moving on. I really think what happened here sounds like one of those shitty things that happens sometimes in a marriage when one or both parties are under strain. I wouldn't be catastrophising it.

I feel for the OP's husband. I also really miss aspects of my life before children. I absolutely adore my kids, I would do anything for them and I give them all I can, but do I miss going out and getting drunk and coming home to have boozy sex? Absolutely I do. I miss date nights and weekends away and meals out in fancy restaurants and staying up late talking rubbish. I miss having the financial freedom to buy whatever I want. And I look forward to when I can have all that back in the future. None of this negates my love for my children. I don't for a moment regret having them. It's just a recognition that there are aspects of life that have changed and that there are things I miss. It's fine to admit that IMO.

Talking about divorce happens more frequently than you think in marriage.
I've said it multiple times over the past 30+ years and still married.
Some people say it more easily than others.
It's not the end by any stretch of the imagination.
It usually means "I'm fed up with the pressure".
If everyone divorced when the sacred word is mentioned, there would be no-one left married.

I think you're being melodramatic and a little controlling.
When was the last time you had a date night without the children?
It is allowed you know, especially if you want to keep your adult relationship going.

Your reaction that you could manage without him is quite telling.
It could be that you have isolated him by only focusing on your children.
This happens a lot.

Put your children's best interest first not your own.
They deserve two parents - life is harder for them with just one and leaves many children insecure and makes young girls especially vulnerable if mummy brings home a new boyfriend. Often girls who grow up without a father end up with abandonment issues / daddy issues.

You make a good point. Perhaps the OP feels she could easily manage without her husband, but could her children? They love their father and I know it can be unpopular to say so on Mumsnet, but they need both parents. Divorce is not an ideal outcome for children. Sometimes of course it can be the best of a bad lot and works out for the best, but there is nothing in what the OP had said so far that makes me think this is a relationship that should be easily cast aside.

Well even children from ‘happy’ marriages where the parents stay together, can end up with issues. So if you are not happy then just get out of it. That’s what I’m thinking lately.

All marriages go through difficult times, sometimes years.
It's not normal to "be happy" all the time - life is tough at times, that's reality.
It's particularly tough when children are small and take up so much of your time.
OP has not called out any major issue with her husband - it sounds like they both need to invest more in their own relationship. She will have even more issues with a new partner - just read some of the posts from women who are with husband number two - it sounds anything but simple.

There are no perfect men out there waiting to throw any woman off her feet - the ones who do are players and they move on pretty quickly when the fun element diminishes.

Mr Darcy doesn't exist.

Stop it!! He does exist!!!

How could you say that 3 weeks before Christmas!!