Blindsided by DH telling me tonight he’s had enough of our marriage

[Jack32]

It was a normal Friday night tonight, got the baby and toddler asleep at 7, DH went out to pick up our take away and we watched our Netflix series. I asked him what’s the plan this weekend, I checked the weather app and mentioned how I’d be going for my jog first thing if the rain stayed away, around 8am. It’s a new thing I’ve taken up since the baby so keep fit. I normally get up at 6am with the kids, take them downstairs, feed them, wash, dress them while DH stays in bed. He comes downstairs to take care of them while I’m out for an hour jogging. I like to get it done early so we can spend the day together. Tonight he completely snapped at me when I said about my jog. He said he dreads the weekend with me, hates the weekend, is fed up of this marriage. I was blind sighted, I reached to grab his hand and asked if he was OK and he snatched his hand back so coldly. He said just leave me alone. I was so shocked, I’ve gone upstairs to bed and I feel sick. What should I do or say ?!

I agree with this. His reaction was extreme and he is being selfish but I would see if he apologises and you can perhaps take turns in having a lay-in like this pp. Perhaps go for a run later on Saturday and on Sunday, you get to have a lay-in. I do think men being inherently selfish do find it harder to adjust to having young children and life not being all about them anymore.

I'm a Mum who's probably old enough to be your Granny. Maybe people who predict the end of your marriage are right but we all have our off days and need a break. I'd suggest you make the weekend as easy as possible for him and don't say anything yet. He may open up a bit but if not, when things are back on an evening keel, ask what caused his outburst and try to discuss what needs you each have that aren't currently being met. It might clear the air and make you both happier.

Mmmmmm. Those people saying this is not the script, that he is just tired. Read op again. Script or no script, tired or not there is a nastiness to the way he treated her and the things he said. If you think that is ok, so be it. I don’t think it is ok. I hope I don’t treat people I love like that.

It’s a fair deduction given OP says ‘Before I took up jogging, he would get up around 9/10am anyway, but I’d be around so he wasn’t parenting alone.’

It’s interesting that you weren’t questioning the people who had decided that OP just sprung the jogging on him. Why not tell them not to make assumptions?

Sounds like he wants no responsibility on the weekends and to do what he wants when he wants . And you to have all the responsibility of the children .

I would find it a bit irritating someone going off jogging for an hour on a saturday morning if i’d been working hard all week. Especially since jogging is no better for you than a brisk walk. Can’t you take the kids in the buggy for a brisk walk instead and let this poor man actually get some rest from his job.

Perhaps someone at work/friends has said something similar to him and that’s why he has snapped 🤷‍♀️ the things he said were horrible though

I don't think it changes much whether she sprung it on him or not. Ideally she wouldn't have but regardless they still need to have a a serious discussion and find out what's going on with him. It should be possible to manage things so the OP gets to go for a run and her husband gets a lie in (assuming that is what is bothering him).

You’re a knob. Seriously

Op has also been working hard all week.
Also - to improve at running, you need to actually run-
the brisk walk with the buggy and children is a mind boggling alternative - are you the op’s husband?

I think staying married is unbelievably hard. Good luck, but it can get a lot tougher than this.

You are right OP, to tell your husband calmly that you both need a chat tonight about what you both want. You must NOT give up your jogging, that's your small piece of 'you time', and you need it. Your husband for a period of time has been used to staying in bed longer on Saturday morning, but since you've started jogging, he's having to get up earlier, and he's having to parent his children on his own!! It wouldn't surprise me, if this wasn't some of the issue!! Did you both discuss the jogging and agree what time you go out for your jog? Does he allow you a lay in on a Sunday morning??? When my son was young, my husband and I took it in turns over the weekend. Life can be boring and mundane sometimes and yes, with little children it can be routine driven too!! Life isn't one big party, with excitement all the time. Have a honest conversation with him, and work out a plan going forward. It doesn't mean there's another woman in the background, but yes, that's always a possibility.

I took that to mean what's their plan for later in the day after her run.

I'm not blaming OP. I'm asking if she foisted her new hobby on him or if there had been a discussion and an agreement first. Because if it was the other way round and he'd foisted his new hobby on her, everyone on this thread would be telling OP how U he was being.

Last night can't be unsaid . He spoke his thoughts but probably without first thinking them through .
For me ( unless he 100% was able to be truthful and a frank chat with me pointed out things I'd not seen / realised about the marriage ) I think we'd be done .
it's shit it's right before Christmas , and it's shit you have a baby , but he needs to leave and put some space between you .

You know what most people don't do when they're tired? Tell their spouse they hate their life and their marriage. I don't think sympathy is in order here; outrage would go a lot further. Unless he's actually clinically depressed and not just an entitled chauvinist arsehole.

There's no nice way to tell someone you're unhappy in a marriage and easy to bottle it up until it spells out in a sudden way.

I think... I would give him space to digest. I wouldn't chase him for followup yet.

Now you're massively projecting. You have no idea that that is the case.

I think they do. I think when you are exhausted and stressed and fed up it's very easy to say horrible things you don't actually mean.

Ergh....That response from him isnt great 🧐

He may well want out... great that you are in position where you have choices

Right so you would blow up a marriage and family over this? Honestly there is no point trying to get sensible advice from this site anymore.

Oh look an other man who can’t deal with baby and toddler years. I’d let the selfish bastard stew in his own self pity but quietly start planning for all eventualities. My dad left before I was 18 months old and brother was 4, ex’s dad disappeared when he was a baby and ex called time when DS was 2. It’s such a hard time for them, boo-hoo.

It’s ONE hour.

Some men make brilliant partners and dads.

But too many men are ill suited to domesticity and fatherhood.

They like the idea of it; they marry the fun, carefree, slender girlfriend, expecting it to be like that forever.

The first pregnancy happens - and suddenly everything's changed. They are no longer the centre of her world.

Her mind and body change and suddenly she has a purpose and intent that is not centred around his needs.

The reality of pregnancy and childbirth (which my mother tells me was absolutely not a place for husbands when she was having us) probably terrifies and horrifies them - but they can't express or explore that.

They have no control over this absolutely female process - and problems start.

The reality of newborn, toddler, tween and teen can be a horrible shock - AND NOBODY TRAINS US HOW TO DO IT.

We're just handed an entire helpless new human and told 'Parent that. Bye'.

Anyway.

Yes, it's possible that while you've been preoccupied with childcare, he's developing a lightearted relationship with a work colleague that feels nicer than home.

But it's also possible he's knackered and feels low.

Don't immediately jump to conclusions.

Don't sweep out.

Don't do the silent treatment.

Ask, give space, listen.

Totally, my ex and I co-parent successfully but when he’s not working or with DS he’s either on the golf course, watching rugby, laying on the sofa or having posh lunches.

Poor you OP, you didn’t deserve that.

Hope you get a chance to talk things through x

I would seriously be looking into getting my life admin in order for being a single parent and then am prepared if things seem to be going south with him.