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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blindsided by DH telling me tonight he’s had enough of our marriage

316 replies

Jack32 · 28/11/2025 22:48

It was a normal Friday night tonight, got the baby and toddler asleep at 7, DH went out to pick up our take away and we watched our Netflix series. I asked him what’s the plan this weekend, I checked the weather app and mentioned how I’d be going for my jog first thing if the rain stayed away, around 8am. It’s a new thing I’ve taken up since the baby so keep fit. I normally get up at 6am with the kids, take them downstairs, feed them, wash, dress them while DH stays in bed. He comes downstairs to take care of them while I’m out for an hour jogging. I like to get it done early so we can spend the day together. Tonight he completely snapped at me when I said about my jog. He said he dreads the weekend with me, hates the weekend, is fed up of this marriage. I was blind sighted, I reached to grab his hand and asked if he was OK and he snatched his hand back so coldly. He said just leave me alone. I was so shocked, I’ve gone upstairs to bed and I feel sick. What should I do or say ?!

OP posts:
Yamamm · 29/11/2025 17:38

I’m interested in what he would say if you asked him how he would prefer to spend your free time together. What does his perfect day look like.
I’d lay money on it being some version of life without small children in it. But that would make him look bad so he’ll say ‘I dunno’.
I was in this situation. He eventually said he deserved some fun. (Other women). And I didn’t care about him anyway - because I didn’t pander to him. It’s a no win situation but you could ask.

SBGM247 · 29/11/2025 18:58

Jack32 · 28/11/2025 22:48

It was a normal Friday night tonight, got the baby and toddler asleep at 7, DH went out to pick up our take away and we watched our Netflix series. I asked him what’s the plan this weekend, I checked the weather app and mentioned how I’d be going for my jog first thing if the rain stayed away, around 8am. It’s a new thing I’ve taken up since the baby so keep fit. I normally get up at 6am with the kids, take them downstairs, feed them, wash, dress them while DH stays in bed. He comes downstairs to take care of them while I’m out for an hour jogging. I like to get it done early so we can spend the day together. Tonight he completely snapped at me when I said about my jog. He said he dreads the weekend with me, hates the weekend, is fed up of this marriage. I was blind sighted, I reached to grab his hand and asked if he was OK and he snatched his hand back so coldly. He said just leave me alone. I was so shocked, I’ve gone upstairs to bed and I feel sick. What should I do or say ?!

Reads like AI

fluffiphlox · 29/11/2025 19:15

SBGM247 · 29/11/2025 18:58

Reads like AI

Would AI say ‘blind-sighted’?

Jack32 · 29/11/2025 19:22

Thank you for the replies. Some really helpful points I’m going to bring up.
After my jog I ended up taking the kids to soft play alone, he said he didn’t want to come and so I left home at home to stew. When I came back he apologised and started putting up Xmas decs carrying on like normal. I’m nipping this in the bud tonight, it’s left a huge black cloud over us.

OP posts:
SaltAndPepperNuggets · 29/11/2025 19:28

We hope leaving these men alone is time for them "to stew".

It isn't.

It is time alone for them to do what ever they want, while we, yet again, pick up the slack and exhaust ourselves with being a parent.

nomas · 29/11/2025 19:31

Bollindger · 29/11/2025 16:33

Please just talk to him, so many men with the thought of looking after a baby and a toddler stress out and bite at their partner.
He would have seen you literally running away and said that he hates this stage of baby parenting.

he would have seen you literally running away.

By your logic, the DH is literally walking away from his family when he goes to work.

The misogyny is off the scale on this thread.

OurFriendJane · 29/11/2025 19:33

He could be involved with someone else, or be the sort of creep who threatens divorce just so his wife will be too frightened to ask him to share the childcare and he gets a lie on at the weekend.

I suspect it could be the latter as his declaration of unhappiness came after he was asked to get up at 8 am. It got him an extra hour in bed today anyway.

Laura95167 · 29/11/2025 19:37

Jack32 · 29/11/2025 19:22

Thank you for the replies. Some really helpful points I’m going to bring up.
After my jog I ended up taking the kids to soft play alone, he said he didn’t want to come and so I left home at home to stew. When I came back he apologised and started putting up Xmas decs carrying on like normal. I’m nipping this in the bud tonight, it’s left a huge black cloud over us.

Thats fair, hopefully its an issue you can resolve. Keep us posted

BeaRightThere · 29/11/2025 19:40

Jack32 · 29/11/2025 19:22

Thank you for the replies. Some really helpful points I’m going to bring up.
After my jog I ended up taking the kids to soft play alone, he said he didn’t want to come and so I left home at home to stew. When I came back he apologised and started putting up Xmas decs carrying on like normal. I’m nipping this in the bud tonight, it’s left a huge black cloud over us.

Best of luck OP, I hope you can have a calm discussion and get to the bottom of this. It really is a tough period of life with a lot of stress and exhaustion. Hopefully you can each be honest and take on board what the other has to say.

TheHillIsMine · 29/11/2025 19:46

You sound strong @Jack32 .

he sounds like he's panicking that you're not begging him to stay so the decorations are going up. Normality.

Some terrible advice but some good too.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 29/11/2025 19:56

OurFriendJane · 29/11/2025 19:33

He could be involved with someone else, or be the sort of creep who threatens divorce just so his wife will be too frightened to ask him to share the childcare and he gets a lie on at the weekend.

I suspect it could be the latter as his declaration of unhappiness came after he was asked to get up at 8 am. It got him an extra hour in bed today anyway.

Yeah, he got what he wanted.

newbluesofa · 29/11/2025 19:58

Jack32 · 29/11/2025 19:22

Thank you for the replies. Some really helpful points I’m going to bring up.
After my jog I ended up taking the kids to soft play alone, he said he didn’t want to come and so I left home at home to stew. When I came back he apologised and started putting up Xmas decs carrying on like normal. I’m nipping this in the bud tonight, it’s left a huge black cloud over us.

Good luck OP x

Dimdam · 29/11/2025 19:58

Are you 100% percent sure that no one else is involved? Maybe he hasn’t done the dirty deed yet but he’s taken a fancy to someone? Or maybe he’s met another guy who happens to be single and is fantasising about a life he could have without you and the kids?

I was very much in love with my ex wife, I supported her at university, when she graduated she got a job which I helped secure, after a few months I noticed a stark difference in her behaviour.

No more kiss on the cheek when leaving or arriving from work, no holding hands in public or any other displays of affection, and it’s hard to explain but she sort of looked down on me.

I asked her if she could stay at her brothers home who lived about 10/15 minutes away whilst the martial home was as having new wooden floors fitted throughout, I didn’t want her routine to be disturbed because she had started a new job. I’ll never forget the day she left for her brothers stay, the builders had arrived, as she was leaving I said goodbye and went to give her a kiss and she turned away to avoid it right in front on the builders, I can’t explain why but it was at that point I knew that there was someone else involved

After the floor was fitted she never came back, her brother kept telling me he didn’t know where she was, but she was at his place all the time, obviously he’s her brother so he’s going to stick up for her.

I was at friends party and I received a text whilst I was talking to someone, I looked down at the message and it said ‘ I want a divorce’. I was trying to remind man interested in the persons conversation we were having but my mind started to race and I went weak at the knees. I made my excuses and left the party

Up until that point I had no idea this was coming, turns out she was having an affair with the husband of a couple we knew, he left his wife and kids and they shacked up together

Looking back there were a few signals I should have picked up on but I was so busy with life I never saw them, are you doing the same? Mind you even if I had picked up on them the end result would have been the same, but I could have prepared myself better mentally.

To me it sounds more than a tantrum or something more sinister.

He needs to sit down and look at what a divorce and custody entails, that’ll make him sweat, certainly opened my eyes even though I wasn’t at fault, and I never married to lived with anyone again after that, that was 25 years ago, it was hard enough at the time and there were no children involved, I have no idea how I would have coped if there were!

Cucy · 29/11/2025 20:45

If I read it right you have 2 kids.

Did you go jogging/keep fit before this baby was born?
Did he need to look after your first whilst you did something for yourself?

I think it’s too much of a coincidence that he snapped when you said you were going out for your run.
He sounds resentful.

Surely if he was so unhappy with you then he’d be glad you’re going out and giving him some space.

I would not let this drop.
He needs to explain that his problem is.

As others have said, I would still get your ducks in a row as he may pretend to be fine now but be planning to leave.
You don’t just randomly say this.

MarymaryquiteC · 29/11/2025 21:07

Dimdam · 29/11/2025 19:58

Are you 100% percent sure that no one else is involved? Maybe he hasn’t done the dirty deed yet but he’s taken a fancy to someone? Or maybe he’s met another guy who happens to be single and is fantasising about a life he could have without you and the kids?

I was very much in love with my ex wife, I supported her at university, when she graduated she got a job which I helped secure, after a few months I noticed a stark difference in her behaviour.

No more kiss on the cheek when leaving or arriving from work, no holding hands in public or any other displays of affection, and it’s hard to explain but she sort of looked down on me.

I asked her if she could stay at her brothers home who lived about 10/15 minutes away whilst the martial home was as having new wooden floors fitted throughout, I didn’t want her routine to be disturbed because she had started a new job. I’ll never forget the day she left for her brothers stay, the builders had arrived, as she was leaving I said goodbye and went to give her a kiss and she turned away to avoid it right in front on the builders, I can’t explain why but it was at that point I knew that there was someone else involved

After the floor was fitted she never came back, her brother kept telling me he didn’t know where she was, but she was at his place all the time, obviously he’s her brother so he’s going to stick up for her.

I was at friends party and I received a text whilst I was talking to someone, I looked down at the message and it said ‘ I want a divorce’. I was trying to remind man interested in the persons conversation we were having but my mind started to race and I went weak at the knees. I made my excuses and left the party

Up until that point I had no idea this was coming, turns out she was having an affair with the husband of a couple we knew, he left his wife and kids and they shacked up together

Looking back there were a few signals I should have picked up on but I was so busy with life I never saw them, are you doing the same? Mind you even if I had picked up on them the end result would have been the same, but I could have prepared myself better mentally.

To me it sounds more than a tantrum or something more sinister.

He needs to sit down and look at what a divorce and custody entails, that’ll make him sweat, certainly opened my eyes even though I wasn’t at fault, and I never married to lived with anyone again after that, that was 25 years ago, it was hard enough at the time and there were no children involved, I have no idea how I would have coped if there were!

Are you writing a book?

adv1ce1987 · 29/11/2025 21:12

Sounds like he's worked hard all week for you to force the kids up early on a Saturday morning and force him to watch them while you go for a jo before coming home and deciding what he's doing for the rest of the day..

OogieBoogiO · 29/11/2025 21:24

Ask him if he is tired of the jog routine maybe you can mix it up - he can take the 6-8 shift and you can be home between 8-9 lol.

Joke aside, this sounds to me like one of those silly conversations I’ve had with my husband when both of us have been arguing we deserve a weekend lie in. My husband as working Sunday and felt he was entitled to a Saturday lie in. I reminded him that I „work“ with the kids every day and also deserve a Saturday lie in. The truth is both of us/none of us did. We sometimes need a reminder of how unreasonable our requests are. A lie in just isn’t an option with kids - unless you arrange it to be so. A reminder this is a phase and you’ll miss it one day, can be helpful. The kids will only be this cute and annoying for a limit d time.

I’ve had days where I resent the whole family and marriage thing. When you feel trapped aspiring something as mundane as a lie in. I might think something like what he said in my head but without the deeper intention of really wanting out. But to actually say it is a bit harsh. Not very self aware.

Anyways, I’m not so jaded by life yet to know if there is anything deeper going on in your case.

LIJ · 29/11/2025 21:30

Get out now because he is clearly planning to.

MerryAquaSquid · 29/11/2025 21:48

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MarymaryquiteC · 29/11/2025 21:57

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Someone doesn't get sarcasm?

Mslak · 29/11/2025 22:13

I’m sorry op.

The coldness and the variation of essentially “I’m not in love with you” is part of the script of the cheater.

Booboobagins · 29/11/2025 22:16

Yet another man hold who can't hack being a parent.

Sorry @Jack32 he is a complete DH and if he doesn't grow up. He needs to go. He clearly resents his parental duties!

5128gap · 29/11/2025 22:23

Its really not uncommon for men to hate young family life.
The decent ones accept that this is the life they chose, get their head down and push through. The less decent ones act up in one way or another. From disappearing into work and hobbies, to being grumpy and spoiling things, and sometimes spilling over into dramatic declarations like yours did.
This will go one of two ways.
He'll either reflect and decide despite not enjoying life just now, he loves you enough to put up with it/has no better option; or it'll escalate until he's saying it so often/behaving so badly, you take the decision out of his hands.
Unfortunately this is something where the best advice is the hardest. Because it's do and say nothing and see what happens.
The temptation is to 'talk it out' which will almost always lead to you jumping through hoops to make him happier, when really he needs to decide the life he has is what he wants, not the promise of a better one.

Ripplemoment · 29/11/2025 22:26

OP, start preparing for his exit, because he has one foot out the door.
He may backtract because he can't afford it or the time isn't right, so make sure you have a savings put away he isn't aware of.

Reach out to family and friends for support and mind yourself too.

cloudtreecarpet · 29/11/2025 22:30

5128gap · 29/11/2025 22:23

Its really not uncommon for men to hate young family life.
The decent ones accept that this is the life they chose, get their head down and push through. The less decent ones act up in one way or another. From disappearing into work and hobbies, to being grumpy and spoiling things, and sometimes spilling over into dramatic declarations like yours did.
This will go one of two ways.
He'll either reflect and decide despite not enjoying life just now, he loves you enough to put up with it/has no better option; or it'll escalate until he's saying it so often/behaving so badly, you take the decision out of his hands.
Unfortunately this is something where the best advice is the hardest. Because it's do and say nothing and see what happens.
The temptation is to 'talk it out' which will almost always lead to you jumping through hoops to make him happier, when really he needs to decide the life he has is what he wants, not the promise of a better one.

Terrible advice!
Communication is the key not keeping quiet to "see what happens".

Too many marriages/relationships end or drag on painfully because of poor communication.
Talk to each other & find out what you both feel and want for the present & future.