Blindsided by DH telling me tonight he’s had enough of our marriage

[Jack32]

It was a normal Friday night tonight, got the baby and toddler asleep at 7, DH went out to pick up our take away and we watched our Netflix series. I asked him what’s the plan this weekend, I checked the weather app and mentioned how I’d be going for my jog first thing if the rain stayed away, around 8am. It’s a new thing I’ve taken up since the baby so keep fit. I normally get up at 6am with the kids, take them downstairs, feed them, wash, dress them while DH stays in bed. He comes downstairs to take care of them while I’m out for an hour jogging. I like to get it done early so we can spend the day together. Tonight he completely snapped at me when I said about my jog. He said he dreads the weekend with me, hates the weekend, is fed up of this marriage. I was blind sighted, I reached to grab his hand and asked if he was OK and he snatched his hand back so coldly. He said just leave me alone. I was so shocked, I’ve gone upstairs to bed and I feel sick. What should I do or say ?!

I certainly wouldn't keep quiet.
I would be adking him when he was leaving and help him pack if you can financially survive.

He wants his freedom, let him have it.
Tell him he cannot say this shit and expect you to accept it.

He needs a wake up call.
No more children for sure.

Leave the arsehole. It won't get better if he is like that. What a bastard.

He owes you an explanatIon.

You can’t tell a partner (who’s caring for your baby and toddler all week) you hate spending time with them, and are fed up with your relationship, then carry on as usual!

So, don’t be the one to be proactive about talking, other than to briefly tell him he needs to explain himself. Then, get on with your day/week/month as though he’s not there, other than for childcare, cooking, chores etc. Don’t ignore him, be your best self and just do your own thing at weekends, with 50/50 childcare.

If he doesn’t try to have a serious chat with you, to explain why he said it and apologise for the hurt it’s caused (including leaving you hanging), you need to consider your options. Is there any point being with someone who isn’t into you? Of course, he hopefully realises if you part, he should expect to share childcare. His weekends won’t be his own, as he’s a parent.

If his MH is poor and he had an outburst, he should still explain and apologise.

Hey OP, just wanted to say I've been thinking about you all day, I haven't had an opportunity to catch up on all the discussion and if there's been any update, but I hope that your day wasn't terrible.

I wondered something along these lines: a tantrum because he wanted to sleep in?

Definitely.
So many men cannot bear the reality and slog of young children.
If a man shows even a hint of not pulling their weight in a house pre children, I can guarantee you they will be a loser as a father.
Its a simple early warning that women should note.
They don't change post children.

@Jack32

That must have been hard to hear. Thinking objectively is this a recent change?

Think outside the box could you look at his internet history. Lonely people have a long documented history in finding companionship in very narrow-thinking communities to get some relief. Having a look at what he has been watching might explain why he is taking his frustration out on you, rather than being honest about it.

Every relationship goes through ups and downs, and this might be a good time to take a pause to find out if you are on the same page. It does sound like he is struggling with something though.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he’s just stressed and tired and got snappy.
Whether that was the reason for his outburst or not, it was still unacceptable to speak to you this way.
I’m hoping tonight has been a calm evening of patching things up.

Clarifying that you mean to ask whether OP is currently in paid employment outside of the home?

Well, we all run our households. Presumably she was asking if OP can financially support herself and her children.

How is going for a brisk walk with the kids the same as a lovely peaceful hour on your own going for a run? And what kids would want getting up for a brisk walk on a Saturday morning? I'm boggling at that advice.

Not sure from the post what type of person he is, but I'd just give him space and then have a talk when he seems calmer. See what's going on in his world. Then maybe put boudaries in place and explain the impact on you and the kids.

My thought too.
My ex-husband did something similar a few weeks before i got the script. I think they are practicing. i am sorry to say, but the intensity and coolness made me think there is more to it than him being tired. He is working up justification for whatever crap he will come up with. Be on guard.

I’m afraid I agree with this. I think were the roles reversed the OP would be getting a ton of support and told that she needed to put her foot down about his “hobby” as it’s just not fair that she doesn’t get a lie in after a busy week working manually, so that he can go charging out every weekend on the dot of 8 am.

I don’t believe he wants out OP, I think he’s just feeling a bit pissed off & trapped, as ALL parents of very small children feel at times. He probably let his resentment build a bit and it came bursting out when you mentioned your jog.

Would I stop jogging if I were you? As a runner myself absolutely NOT! However I would perhaps try to adjust the timings so both of us are getting what we want. You don’t have to go at 8 am do you, every single weekend so that you can spend the rest of the day together. Maybe he doesn’t want his whole day, every weekend planned like that. I know I wouldn’t.

This could all be the case BUT it does excuse the rude & cruel way this man spoke to his wife, the mother of his children.

Please do not excuse that on his behalf.

This is the most difficult time in a marriage, when the children are young. A few years of broken nights, scrimping and saving, washing and cleaning and it seems like the drudgery will never end. It’s also dark and rainy at this time of the year. It doesn’t help that RR has announced more taxes to pay for those who are out of work (which, rightly, feels unfair to decent, upstanding breadwinners).

I know it seems hard, but do seek to understand why he snapped, rather than assuming he’s selfish. We’re all a bit selfish, especially when we’re worn down, tired, and joyful things feel like an impossible dream. Maybe it’s some kind of survival mechanism. For men, it is easy to walk away so they mull over the possibility of ‘freedom’ during this time.

When you have your discussion, point out that this time will pass. You both can emerge victorious with the mortgage paid off and children who have become fun young people who make dinner conversations interesting. Compare this with the alternative of financial setbacks and damaged relationships with children. Men thrive on goals and competition. He might buy into the idea of emerging from this funk in a better position than most men.

Also, it’s important to plan time for each other. Relationships are like flowers. You have to nurture them otherwise they wilt and die. It means each partner has to dig deep and make small offerings of love and care for each other, even when we desperately want that for ourselves. It’s the reason I occassionally bring my husband a cup of coffee in the morning, even though my legs are tired. I’ll probably get flamed for that, but I do think it makes a difference. My husband occassionally gets down, and I point out the goals again and it peps him up. Otherwise he just mulls over the drudgery and wants to move to Dubai!

What's to communicate here though? The OP isn't expecting anything unreasonable. She can't magic the family away. All she can do is offer to sheild him from it by taking on extra herself. Communication is great in theory but it pretty worthless unless it can translate to action for change. And I can't see any change that won't make life harder for OP here. I've seen this time and again.

I love this variation of DH! It applies much more often than the intended version!

What do you mean "What's to communicate?"
He needs to explain why he said what he said to the OP rather than throwing cruel words her way

Together they need to express their feelings and their needs and find a way to compromise.
Otherwise this will fester and they will end up resenting each other & the marriage could fail.
They need to communicate not only for their sakes but their children's too.

The biggest mistake made in marriages and long term relationships is not communicating effectively enough.

OP, It sounds like he is trying to communicate some serious feelings of unhappiness, albeit clumsily.

There is an expression "try to see the heart message" which is to encourage you to look with compassion at what he is saying. I think in order for you to do that you also need to find you own resources for better self care. Having young children at home is exhausting for both parents.

I agree with some other posters that he maybe doesn't appreciate having his weekend planned out for him by someone else and also needs, as you do, some time off and some freedom

The solution if you want to stay together is to look at this as a problem you solve together rather than seeing Him as The Problem (not saying you are, just very easy trap to fall into)

Have a listen to The Empowered Wife on Spotify and see if you can find any stories from other women which hit home for you. You're not alone and there are solutions which work.

Correct.

I don’t think it was sarcasm, sadly…

This thread is infuriating.

@Jack32 when you have young DC it’s part of the course that they wake early and I’m guessing that your younger DC still probably wakes during the night as well.

IMO, having been awake since 6am and asking him to parent at 8am to go for a one hour jog is not being unreasonable.

All those saying he’s been working all week and needs a lay in…..

Parenting young DC whilst he works is working….

@Jack32 I hope your discussion goes well. The fact that he wouldn’t join you at soft play and left you to it, whilst he stayed at home says it all really.

You need to leave him to parent his children on his own more often so then he won’t throw a tantrum for doing it for only an hour.

OP, how did the talk last night go

Ummm...no. the op said the kids are already up and her with them about 6. Like many young kids. Why is being "at work" seen as this overriding noble, exhausting pursuit that excuses everything? Many many people work full time AND parent the second they clock off with no respite. A pathetic man baby who objects to sitting on the sofa with a coffee while his kids watch TV has no business calling himself a parent.