In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Check your budget.
find out who pays what.

A good hit man if you were my daughter.

You could ask him how his new girlfriend will feel about him having had sex with you on your recent holiday when you tell her.
Saves you having to ask him if there is anyone and him lying, this might make his face give it away and then you'll know despite him insisting not.

Regardless of him having someone lined up, it is utterly shit for you and i'm sorry he's put you in this situation/shituation. As others have said, he doesn't want you so don't let him have you. You need to scare him with how quickly you cut him off and ignore any further attempts at a normal living situation.

He's caused this so let him suffer the fallout on your terms. Good luck!

Thank you! I needed this, I’m just trying to get through each minute and not go mad/call him/beg him to try.

luckily I’ve got the kids on my own tonight so I’ll be busy.

Yes this is what I’m trying to do, just so hard when he’s still texting me about the kids plans and dinner and so on!

I'm trying to be more distant and cold like he is.

Yes the first thought is it'll be another woman.

But also, if he is emotionally abusive then this may be part of that. A game to make you come to heel. To wear you down again as he maybe thought therapy was giving you too much power. Standard abuser tactic to be great for a week and then whip the carpet out from under you when you are just starting to think things are improving. Abusive people live to drain your energy. To steal your light.

So it could be a power play to make you feel you have no say over your life for the next 6 months while he umm's and awws about leaving.

You say you make a lot of money...in that case, if he won't leave, you should just go. No house is worth staying 6 months with a headfucking twat. He's made his choice. Don't let him fanny you around any further.

Consult a lawyer of course but personally I'd just call his bluff and be like 'ok, bye ass wipe'. He will back pedal when he realises you are done. Don't fall for it.

Oh op this is all such a nightmare and you are being so brave.
I want to tell you to make a rota of 50/50 for housework, childcare, meals etc from this point onwards buy i worry that'll make a very hostile environment for you and the kids.
I don't know how you feel but I couldn't bear to be apart from my kids in all the up and down of it all so leaving for the weekend on your own might be difficult but maybe you can plan a nice day out for you and the kids - let him be left out and feel it.
You definitely don't need to be responding to any messages from him about what's for dinner or where the kids are when - he's out of the loop on that now.
Legal advice now is a must. You can get an order quickly regards parental responsibility/custody but I don't know how long it will take to get him removed from the house.
As others have said though you need to be living life as if he isn't there x

Based on your updates, I would look into selling the house.

I would also tell him that you will be moving out then so he will need to be the primary caregiver as you don't want to uproot the children. If he believes you then he'll probably be bloody quick to shift then.

So he still expects you to cook dinner?

Also to add, document everything. Screen shot his messages, record the dares and times he isn't available to the kids (when he leaves the house, when he comes back). Record his moods and what he says to you.
This will all be really helpful later. Record it privately where he won't stumble upon it

Agree it would be much better if he did, and his idea that you can play happy families is absurd and self-centered. And from what you've posted he sounds like he's pretty selfish. My point is only that you could waste a lot of time, emotional energy and possibly finances, trying to get him out for these first few months and then be in a worse position long term.

But SoSoPredictabl's post about it all being raw is very well made. Try and look after yourself and give yourself a bit of time.

Thanks for your kind message, I just reheated some food that I made BEFORE my life was upended, and that made me cry! Although I am crying less, than the almost constant crying and shock of yesterday. And I am managing to eat now.

I’m going to plan a nice day out with my kids this weekend and leave him to it.

I did want to put up the Christmas decorations tonight, I feel like that’s a bit harsh on him, but I can can’t I?!

You absolutely should put the Decs up today!
He is making all these decisions about your life without you - why would you think about him!
Enjoy sitting with the kids under the twinkly lights and thinking of all the other things you can do now without thinking about how he feels about it or if he's available 😉

Every time you falter read more on this site to discover who he really is.

It might also be worth reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

Ignore all his texts - he is no longer your friend & you no longer have to jump when he says jump. He can fuck right off. Twat.

He’s treating you like his housekeeper, so you treat him like a flatmate you dislike because he’s so difficult and selfish. Definitely put up the Christmas decorations in your own time, on your own timetable. Do EVERYTHING to suit you, and only you (and the children), from now on. He’s nothing to do with you, he wants out, so he can have out, on your terms, not his.

I agree with the PP you need to find your anger and detach, detach and detach.

Are you able to eat at a different time to him whilst he is there? I personally wouldn’t make him any meals/do his laundry or any life admin. Do the bare minimum.

Go out and see friends, even invite friends round to you.

Do you have a spare room? When he is away, l would move his stuff into there and put a lock on your bedroom door.

He needs to understand that he doesn’t get to call the shots.

I have been brainwashed, right off to get the decs!

I will invite friends round, this is a great idea!

I would do it as often as you can. If he is adamant that he won’t leave and is carrying on as if he didn’t blow your world, then it’s time to make it not so comfortable for him. Also, don’t let him know beforehand.

He will know that you would have told them, he won’t like the judgment……

Also you will need to grey rock him…..as l predict he will get worse!

I did want to put up the Christmas decorations tonight, I feel like that’s a bit harsh on him, but I can can’t I?!

You absolutely bloody well can. What would you do if he wasn’t there? Put the decs up - do that, get your friends round - do that, sit on the sofa and cry and eat biscuits - do that. If he gets upset by you doing something innocuous that is his problem. Him and his feelings are not your problem. It’s hard getting used to fact you don’t have to account for him anymore, but you don’t. 🎄🎄

The decorations are up 💪🏻 I loved it, kids loved it, he always got grumpy over getting it all out and getting the lights detangled…. None of that this year! We all loved it (and I managed not to cry for the duration).

Yay! So pleased you and the kids had a lovely evening.

He may or may not be seeing someone else but it sounds like he is emotionally out of the marriage.
This forum is almost built on women doing the same thing to their husbands, why should men do the same thing

Don’t you just hate it when men give their tuppeny halfpenny view on mumsnet

Well done you - what a great mum you are! You've given your DC a lovely time which you loved too without Mr Miserable around to suck the joy out of the experience. Another step forward OP. 💪