In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

He has told you he is not moving out. So either lots of pain for you or get a 6 month rental

Well, as his job takes him away for long periods, that means you will, in effect, be living separately, so that should offer some small comfort.

As for the children, he can explain himself.

Regarding you and him, try to keep yourselves as separate as you can considering you will be under be roof.

Meanwhile, get your ducks in a row, as they say.

Yes I am trying to look at the positives with this. Something I'm really struggling with is how unkind he is being, right up until he ended it, he was being very supportive. I recently had a work issue and he was really trying to help me.

Then, BAM, we break up and it's like looking at a different person!

He might have been thinking about this for some time and is further along the path than you are -
look at the threads on this site from women who have checked out - they are much further along the journey mentally than than (usually) unsuspecting husbands are , and it’s them who are left in shock

I understand this, but even if I was in that position I wouldn't be unkind and cruel to him!

This site was enormously helpful to me when I experienced this.

https://www.runawayhusbands.com/

There is also a book and a private Facebook page full of women going through this. The stages she outlines are very true.

Likely there is someone else of interest to him but he will continually deny it.

I told my exH that I could not continue to live in the house with him and he found a flat to rent.

6 years on and I now think that he made the right decision. We are both happier and remain on good terms. The shock took months to recover from at the time, though. Just hang in there, I promise it gets easier.

Women tend not to be.
I'm very sorry you're going through this awful experience.

Thank you! I wish mine would move out but he's point blank refusing. I know in the fullness of time I'll probably be glad he ended it, it's just so hard right now. I'm going to look at the website now.

One thing I don’t understand: he wants to stay in the house…and you move out?? How is that good for the kids? Does he suggest he buys you out? Or does he want to put the house on the market now?

Maybe to prompt some practical discussions you ask to get some valuations done of the house. If he wants to stay in it, then he needs to buy you out. You’re the primary carer, so you will need a home the children can fit etc soon he will realise this isn’t going to work.

Have you discussed how you will split custody?

It’s all so new and raw for you. He sounds like he hasn’t thought through the consequences of him staying in the house at all. I hope you can get him to see sense - and get some good legal advice!

So he wants the house, and says he wants to buy me out.

I have no idea how we'll make custody work because he's a management consultant who literally travels internationally most weeks, as he's quite high up.

At the moment my life is on hold and I have to be available 24/7 for him to prioritise work, but this isn't fair... but I do want to make sure he sees the kids. How do people make this work without penalising themselves? I'd like to commit to things with friends etc in advance but I never can until he gets his schedule.

OP I have a feeling that he's just doing all this to be controlling, and because he can't be bothered to move.

It's much easier for him if you move out with the children.

Fast forward a few months and he'll barely see them at all. He doesn't want to make their lives easier - just his own.

He's airbrushing you out of his life and he'll airbrush them out, too.

This is especially true when you factor in his work patterns.

At the moment my life is on hold and I have to be available 24/7 for him to prioritise work, but this isn't fair... but I do want to make sure he sees the kids

As I said, he'll soon have forgotten them, especially if he has a new girlfriend and she has a baby herself.

These men think only of their own needs. Bastards.

Re solicitors, I wasted huge amounts of time and money with mine.

if I could go back I would have had the initial free meeting with 3 or 4 (usually video call so not a huge amount of wasted time) and explained I want things to happen quickly and would like all of the questions outlined at the beginning. I ended up with a constant drip, ‘let’s consider x’ constantly which would take another month at at time. I had the top sol outer of the firm but meant she was often on court and getting juniors to do work and thus added more time.

My ex wouldn’t leave until all the financials were sorted so it was hell.

Assume you’re getting your financial ducks in a row. Spreadsheets are your friend. Get everything written down about where money has gone into house or elsewhere from you & him.

Before he has his guard up completely get through all of his financial paperwork you can find. Know investments, debts… Try to understand both of your pensions as best you can - this took me ages!

Make a spreadsheet of what running the family looks like now and what you would need for the future.

Go back on your calander for the last year and make dates of all the times he (and you to be fair) we away over night for business or pleasure. Make it into a percentage of the time he has been absent.

Good luck!

Also if you file for divorce first you have slightly more power as you decide when to ultimately end it so you will be able to make sure all the financials are where you want them to be.

He's certainly thought this through hasn't he. You found out 2 days ago but he knows he wants the house and wants you to move about. This is nothing to do with the kids, stop thinking that. If he travels a lot then realistically he's not going to see the kids.

I would be wanting to see his phone and messaging to see who he's talking to.

The reason he wants 6-7 months is to let things settle down before he announces his new arm fluff.

You need to find a backbone and stop letting him dictate the way this is going to go.

It's not up to you to figure out how he is going to manage custody once you split for good. If you split the kids 50-50 it's up to him to figure out his end.

You DO NOT need to be available 24-7 for him - you need to change your mindset so he picks up his issues - his schedule isn't your issue. He has them on x dates and it's up to him to sort that out.

Thanks so much for this, I just spoke to a solicitor who said I needed to start divorce proceedings before anything could happen, feeling so lost with it all! I'll start a spreadsheet of what's what with the finances.

'Roy I need your work schedule for the next 6 months as we need to sort out the kids care over school holidays'

Predicted answer: 'you know I can't do that Dojo, my work, I'm so busy, I'm very important... whine whine blah'

Monotone: 'You're going to have to find a way Roy, plan your leave like everyone else and let me know ASAP please'

EXIT.

I really do need to change my mindset, I want to be reasonable and I want the kids to see him, but it would mean I don't get to plan my life and I'll always be beholden to whatever he wants! Solicitor did say he would be very unlikely to get 50/50 in these circumstances.

As @blackpooolrock says you do not need to be available to your exDH 24/7. You need to harden yourself to any issues to do with him and your children and let him deal with the fall out from his decision to leave. If he wants to see his children then he facilitates this not you!! I know you want him to see the children but he must be made to organise it all for himself. If a date doesn't work for you because he is only home on xy and z dates then too bad - he doesn't see them. You have a life to be getting on with but without him!!
As others have said I think he will fade into the background when it all becomes too complicated so from here on you only need concern yourself with you and your children and how you all deal with things from now on.
Start getting your ducks in a row. Gather all the financial information that you can, check credit files to make sure that he is not jointly listed with you for anything other than the mortgage. Calculate your input into the house regarding your investments so you can enhance your future. In short, be selfish for you!! He has no problem doing so and coercing you into doing what he wants - that needs to stop right now. Ignore his messages about dinner and chit chat unless it is do with the children. He's doing this to keep you dancing to his tune and keep you off balance. He's given you a 6-7 month timeline - use it to your advantage to think carefully about everything from selling the house, buying out, to where you'll live and so on.
I notice you said about Christmas - do only what you feel comfortable with - if you don't want to go to BIL's then don't. As for being reasonable with your exDH - that's up to you - but don't be a doormat. This is a man whose life has been on his terms for the past umpteen years with you picking up the shortfall - it's got to change now if you are going to live your life the way you want it.

solicitor can say what they want, its not up to them to decide - they work for you not the other way around. Tell them you want 50-50 - make him work for whatever it is he wants. DO NOT roll over and accept what a solicitor says.

It's up to your ex to work out his half. This may seem hard to do because you will see your kids suffer a bit, that's inevitable unfortunately. They will suffer because of his selfishness. If you capitulate he will walk all over you.

You need to brace yourself for the possibility that if there IS another woman, he won't be as bothered about seeing the kids as you seem to think he will be....

Do you want to fight for the house? If you can manage the bills alone I would push for an occupation order until the youngest leaves education. You are in a far better position for this to be agreed.

In terms of the kids, without sounding like a bitch, thats a him problem. Hes going to need to do what millions of others do and get flexible working.

I would be wanting to see his phone and messaging to see who he's talking to

and ignore this, he's made his decision this literally does not matter anymore. No matter how much you may want to.

You don't know why he's still there, I'll tell you why he's still there. It allows him to keep up constant pressure on you, to wear you down and crush you so that he gets what he wants out of this situation. He can monitor you in real time, feel just how upset you are and exactly how to mess with your head and keep you stressed and off balance.

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo do you actually WANT him to have the dc 50/50?
Stop thinking about him and just think about what is best for you and the dc. That first, and him maybe in third place.