In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

What a horrendous environment for your children to have to live in!!!
You need to find somewhere else and quickly - you will be causing them incredible harm forcing them to endure this toxic and abusive atmosphere!

I can’t understand why you haven’t yet filed for divorce.

OP, he is trying to alienate the children on top of his emotion and financial abuse and coercive control.

You need to wake up and engage with domestic abuse organisations.

They will quickly tell you just how bad this is.

He is a house terrorist.
Coercive control is a crime.

His is deliberate behaviour to get you to give in.
EVERYTHING you get out of him, every penny is for your children and their comfort.

He may promise stuff but don't believe one word, get everything on paper.

So many men promise to be reasonable but when the divorce is through refuse anything beyond the bare minimum, hence the saying BARE MINIMUM DAD.

Its a real thing.

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo

Do NOT go to mediation with this man.
Mediation is contraindicated in abusive relationships.

It'll just become another means by which he controls you.

Please rethink this side of things. The more you post, the more obvious it is just exactly how abusive your husband is.

Argh, I was rather hoping he might listen to a mediator, and it would save us loads of money. But you're right, I don't see him compromising at all, it's just not in his nature.

Thanks for this, it's really helping me see things clearly reading all of your comments.

It IS making it easier to go after every penny, and go for more child custody than I would have originally... I'm feeling so angry toward him, I owe him nothing.

He definitely wouldn't nest, and he doesn't want to move out of this house at all, not even for one night. I tried that. I need something legally written down to get him to do anything.

My fear about nesting is I still wouldn't be free of him, he'll moan about the 'state of the house' or nit pick as we're still sharing the same space. I also fear he would start to move away from 50/50 and I just end up having the kids when he cant at the last minute.

I have filed for divorce! I want him gone, trust me! Unless he hits me my solicitor pretty much said there's nothing I can do. I am aware of the kids and I find it heart breaking to be honest, I'm just given them a lot of love and compassion, and thank goodness he's away with work quite a lot.

Definitely this, he's so incredibly arrogant. Even the the way he walks is arrogant! He's just got worse and worse since the break up as well, he's almost dead behind the eyes, it's very disconcerting.

Use that anger to get the best outcome for yourself and your children @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo

One query - you said you used your own investments to pay ghe mortgage down? I know that the ownership if the house is 50/50 but does thst mean you can prove you've paid gor much more of the house than he has?

You're doing really well in a hugely difficult situation, OP. He's sounds horrendous.

Thanks so much, everyone on this thread has been so kind, and it's genuinely helping so much.

I did speak to a solicitor about this, and it does give me some leverage; that I put loads into the mortgage.

I should have said that I don’t actually advice you to nest, he would be insufferable as you say. Just to pretend to suggest it I order to get some space and show up how ridiculous he is being over 50:50.

What is he suggesting for you, if he stays in the house that you have paid for and if he still expects you to have the kids half the time? Where does he imagine you will live as you spent your savings paying down the mortgage on the house he thinks he’ll keep? Trying to see what those picture is in his head…

Also sending more 💐

OP has been and still is subject to coercive control. What is to stop her from writing all of this down and making a statement to the police? Could that be a route to have him removed from the property?

I am not a lawyer but that seems the most obvious solution. The relationship can't get any worse and it might prevent things escalating to physical abuse down the line.

And @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo wishing you strength

Thanks so much, he wants me to move out! He's generously said I'll get half the equity (like I didn't know...), to set myself up somewhere new. he doesn't just expect me to have the kids half the time, it's half the time SPECIFICALLY dictated on the days he isn't at work, which changes every single week. In fact some weeks when he's delayed abroad, or stuck longer on a project, I'll get no notice what so ever! What a great deal for me....

Thank you, you've all been so kind and it's really helping me.

I opened up to my Gp about the abuse, who sent me for a counselling session, and the counsellor said I'm being abused and it's coercively controlling. I did bring this up with my solicitor but she said the bench mark is very high... like hitting me, controlling finances to the point I don't have access, shouting abuse at me... and it isn't that 😞

You're not a babysitter. If he can't have the children on his REGULAR and designated days then he will either have to rearrange his work schedule so he can have them or secure a nanny to do the caring for him which will cost him £££. He doesn't get to dictate that you cover for him when he can't be there. Please resist the urge to step in. This is his Achilles heel and your upper hand.

This is so ludicrous it made me spit out my tea!
Ridiculous. No court is going to side with him on that custody arrangement!
I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.
I wouldn't return to mediation with that ridiculousness. Decide what would work for you and let your solicitor fight for the best outcome for you and the kids xx

the bench mark is very high... like hitting me, controlling finances to the point I don't have access, shouting abuse at me... and it isn't that

i’m dismayed actually, that your experience is being treated so lightly. I’m so sorry.

Does your solicitor have a plan?

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo he may not be ‘shouting’ abuse but he is abusing you in a normal voice - as well as trying to alienate the children. ‘The benchmark is very high’ - do some research yourself as well as asking your solicitor. Don’t just accept what the counsellor says on such an important issue.

trying to give you no notice of what days you will be waiting for him to dump the kids on you is the very definition of controlling - it means you are effectively on call the whole time and can’t be off doing anythint @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo !

Call refuge.

It will keep everything documented.

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/national-domestic-abuse-helpline/

I still think it might be worth having it put on record by making a complaint to the police things could escalate further (your updates sound like things have already escalated so reasonable to think he could go further) in the next few weeks. Best outcome would be his removal. But at least it might shock him into behaving like an adult and give him pause before he escalates any furtherand keep you safe.

I don't believe any court would allow him to change his days at the drop of a hat to allow him to work. Its regular days or nothing. Changing their days about at the drop of a hat builds up their hopes and then they are disappointed because he's not there would hurt them and make their lives unstable

I too think it is worth documenting with a domestic abuse charity and the police.
Ring 101 and ask to speak to an officer that deals specifically with Coercive control.
Physical violence is not a necessary marker for it.
Its worth your time to make these calls.

I think this is a good idea, today he walked into the kitchen took one look at me making lunch and said ‘what are you doing? I said making lunch!

He said but why are you using the carrots, I said I’m making soup and there are still loads more. He had a go at me for taking food from the dinner meal plan as I’d used some tinned tomatoes previously (this was for something ON the meal plan but I couldn’t be bothered to argue).

he then told me off for using lentils. I said there are still tons for the curry tomorrow that’s planned, and I weighed them in front of him!

He’s a bloody weirdo.