In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Thanks- it's good to hear from someone in the same boat! I can resonate with so much of what you're saying, even down to the grumpiness!

That's great he's moved out, we're a 1month in now, and no sign of my ex wanting to go anywhere, why would he when he gets all the childcare he needs! We're about to start mediation and one of my key points is we really need to start planning who is moving where, this can't continue. That and custody, some regular childcare plan he can commit to. Well done to us both for getting through Christmas though, I don't know about you, but it was very hard here!

Bless you. I started the mediation process then he changed his tune — the idea of being under a spotlight I presume — so we didn’t quite get there. What worked in my favour was the way we sorted our financial split…basically meant me taking out a small loan and paying him so we could walk away with the “same burden”. I don’t think he realises how good he’s got it.

I think we were about 6-8 weeks down the line before he realised things weren’t going to go back to the way they were and he’d found somewhere about 10 weeks along. 14 weeks into the process now and I still owe him a little money based on his quite frankly mind boggling spreadsheet (control) but I’ve suggested I pay over time, mainly as I want to hold some cards because he’s like Jekyll and Hyde when he has the upper hand. It saddens me that I have to think and live like this, but I’m finally back in control of my own life so it was worth it.

Christmas was a total headfuck to be quite honest. We decided to have one last Christmas together for the kids, as I wanted to show them we could coparent, and it was like having three children for the day. My 11 year old was a star! 2 year old no clue but likely picking up on tension. But I tried. It’s all we can do, right?!

If anything he gave me the gift of knowing I’ve made the right choice. Hope you’re still feeling strong OP. Keep going. You’ll be out of the woods soon!

Op everything he is asking for is to benefit HIM not you or the children.
He's isn't interested in fairness .
He wants 50/50 so he doesn't pay maintenance.
Ask for what you and the children want and need he isn't running the show here .
Sounds toe like he's got and had it all worked out in his head ,he will keep the house he will change his contract ,he will stay in the house as he knows loads of separated couples who do this !!? He's obviously been researching and taking advice on this for a while .
You are left blindsided whilst he's been forewarned and forarmed .
Be difficult.

Thanks so much, I'm hoping he does this, realises he's not going to get what he wants so actually starts negotiating! He broke up with me, and I suspect checked out long ago, so living here is no issue for him which is why he has no plans to go anywhere!

I'm about to have my first session, so fingers crossed he starts to realise he's not going to get what he wants.

Christmas was so hard here, the kids seemed to enjoy it, but my word I found it sad! I know I'm better off without him, I'd just like some certainty on all of the house/kids/finance piece. Are you near the end now? with everything sorted?

Thanks, you're right he really just wants what he wants, he claims it's 'the best for the kids', but that's bollocks.

At the moment I'm finding it hard, as nothing is legally set in stone, so everything is a negotiation with him, and he just won't budge! There's still no sign of him moving out, or even suggesting a time frame for it. That's something I want to sort in mediation.

You can read men like this like a book, it’s like a script seen it so many times, tell him to leave he’s made his bed , he now wants to see how far he can push you to make his life easier why he probably hatches his plan, don’t be that fool, tell him to leave you need space and to put you first now for the kids, sod him he’s no longer your problem what he does and doesn’t do. Best of luck 🤞

No experience but could you keep a note/diary of when you are left responsible for the children (minutes/hours/days) and go to the CMA with it to make the point that living in the same house is not the same as having 50:50 care? I don’t know if this is possible or would be productive but the sort of unfair behaviour you are experiencing is so outrageous!

I've told him so many times to leave, he just simply won't go! I think it would really help me if he did go... when he's coming in and out at the moment, I'm wondering where he's been... is he dating? He is talking to solicitors? Whereas I think whilst initially painful, it would be easier just not seeing him!

That's quite easy as he has a work schedule that is published and shows the HUNDREDS of nights I've had the kids on my own!

Presumably your finances are no longer joint and clearly if he is at work, you can’t be, so the CMA might get involved- and he needs to understand that he can’t be a separate unit and continue to enjoy your wifework- my ghast is thoroughly flabbered by his audacity and sense of entitlement.

I can’t believe what an arse he is being STILL.

Is he saying he wants to be 50/50 still?

It is not easier for the kids to be around what will only be escalating tension and active hostility. You and he can't see it yet, but there are various stages to this and it is a predictable pattern. After the initial 'we can be civil for the kids' stage, once either or both of you start setting boundaries with the other person for your own emotional health/stability, the tension and hostility will inevitability increase. Cut your losses. Get legal advice, ask him to move out if the decision is made. And, figure out the logistics. Do not stay under the same roof for 6-7 months. It will be awful for all concerned, including the children. And, it will become quickly unbearable for you.

Thanks for your kind words, I am starting to feel a sense of relief that he can't nit pick and get at me anymore and that his bad moods are no longer my problem! when he was in a grumpy mood and I would pull him up on it, he would often say 'well you make me grumpy'.... not my problem anymore!

I agree with all of this, we're doing ok at the moment as we haven't started fighting over custody or finances! He's already started to push me into 50/50, which just isn't fair and my solicitor has said to not accept that.

We're about to start mediation and one of the key points for me, is when is he moving out?! We need a timeline.

I'm so used to his sense of entitlement that I've not really realised how audacious he is, but as the fog lifts and I'm no longer in love with him, I'm starting to realise how much of a prick he is. I get through by muttering 'prick' under my breath as and when it's needed!

Reading through your thread @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo

Please keep doing what is best for you and your DC.

Given you have done so much of the childcare and your STBXH has such irregular working hrs, it wouldn't make sense for him to be given 50/50 custody.

YOU deserve a safe home for you and your DC. I hope that ultimately goes your way when the legal decisions are being made.

Op he definitely has it all worked out in his head how it's going to be and how it's all going to work out .
He thinks you will just slot in to whatever place he's got for you .
Let him keep thinking that .
Have a set plan what you want and what you think you can get and don't give in .

He is playing you. It is time to defend yourself and your children. He wants you to stay put whilst he sorts his life and then expects you to leave when he is ready ! Fuck that. He is telling you that you are not happy ! He doesn't want folk to blame him for the break up, tell folk the truth. He w
ants to screw your children's minds ! Not a fucking chance, he wants out then off the fuck he goes, today.
Get the paperwork sorted today, do not agree to anything he wants until you have time to think and get a divorce lawyer now. Time to be cold hearted, he is not your friend.

Thanks so much, he keeps saying he's putting them first! He tries to imply he's a better parent, as when he's not at work he basically doesn't leave the house, but when he's got them I'll go and see friends and go to the gym, but thats to GET AWAY FROM HIM!

I know he speaks to the kids about it as well, as I'll get questions when I come in 'what time did you get back last night, were you drunk?!' NO!!! I went to the gym!! But the fact he spends over 100 nights away with work each year doesn't register with him

Thank you, I can't wait to get this ball rolling and for him to realise legally he cant get what he wants, this is purgatory at the moment.

It's always the way @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo , the men who've done least to raise their DC suddenly become very picky about your mothering skills when you separate.

am in a similar situation where my ex won’t leave, but I cannot afford the place on my own as I am not a huge earner. So I am smiling, but I want to divorce tbis year so I am going to push for this (in 6 weeks, when I have finished à degree that I am doing…)

I need him to play nicely and agree to alimony, and it is important for the kids BUT I don’t know how he can stay here and not just move out! I spend as much time as I can out, and of course he thinks that he is a Disney parent. Hé also told the kids without me, before I was ready, and cried… so they blamed me. I was so angry, we had discussed how and when we were going to do it! In the family therapy, hé shrugged and said ‘my bad’. MY BAD!!!

I have had several panic attacks since all of this started, which never happened before… this time next year I am determined to be out of this marriage (it can be done quickly where we live if no one contests)

Your updates are making me feel agitated for you op. I hope you’re not doing a single thing to facilitate this pricks lifestyle like cooking, washing or cleaning for him, also Including carrying the childcare slack. Put your foot down and tell him if he can’t look after his children 50/50 he needs to organise childcare. And make sure he sorts all his admin jobs. Use that time to get your ducks in a row. Figure out how much you lose in a year and project it to how long it’ll be before you reach your earning potential then make sure that influences the % assets you ask for. You need to get tough here, yeah it’ll be uncomfortable for a bit but he needs to waken up! Sorry you’re stuck in this it can feel never ending.

I'm so mad on your behalf!!
My DH tried this for a bit. He conveniently forgot he was not even in the country for well over a 3rd of the year but was keen to point out he did a few school runs and took the kids to the park when he was home while I was busy with my stuff.
My stuff by the way was mostly housework and the degree I was studying for (that was the compromise for me giving up work so our son with additional needs had the care he needed while dh swanned off whenever he wanted to).
You'd think they were single parenting for all this stuff they do for the kids....🙄

He’s awful. He’s basically manipulating the children, withdrawing his spousal support (what there was of it), and forcing you to continue to provide domestic labour and childcare for him because of the de facto state of affairs. No wonder he’s in no rush to change anything, he must be laughing all over his face. What a dick (sorry not sorry).

I really hope you get a fair and equitable outcome, definitely get a good solicitor and maybe a forensic accountant 👀