In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

You're right, I think I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt, but he is actually more controlling and manipulative than I realised.

I think that’s very astute of you. He can be ‘separated’ from you (so do what he wants) whilst maintaining ‘happy’ home in front of the kids and if you try and put in boundaries then you will look like the person in the wrong and trying to cause problems. The man isn’t stupid!

The only thing I would say (and I understand why you wanted to implement it) but no way would I (if I was him or you) be agreeing to go out of an evening to start implementing this 50/50 whilst still living in the same house. It’s unworkable and will affect the kids.

Don’t do his washing or cleaning.

The only thing I question (and I am just musing here) is how the hell does cooking dinner work? You can’t just cook for you and the dc whilst he is there - that doesn’t look good to the dc, would he cook dinner sometimes? How does shopping for food work? These small (but not small) things are why you need to start the divorce and physically separate asap as hard as it will be it can’t be harder than it is right now, and if it is it will only be in the short term.

💪🏼 plough ahead op!

Yes, he is definitely manipulating and controlling @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo !!

How bloody frustrating and belittling!
Arrgh...my sympathies.

I know of someone who in similar situation who just cleaned the loo with his toothbrush. I don’t know that it achieved much but the knobhead deserved it.

How are you getting on @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo?

@Beaniebobbins haha that's tempting, but my conscience wouldn't allow that, damn it.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne thanks for checking in, I feel like I'm coming to terms with it much better now. I've filed for divorce and have found a local mediator, I just want to get the process started as quickly as possible! I also think if we decide I'm getting the house then he can start thinking about finding somewhere else and I can work out a mortgage.

I'm finding I don't know where to start with the financial ask for mediation, as I've been a really unstable earner, as I've been here for the kids. I don't want to accept 50/50 and no maintenance moving forward but I don't know what's fair! I run a business which can be really up and down depending on contracts.

You sound really positive here op, like you've got your oomph back even though I know it must feel so so hard at times.
In terms or what's fair, think about what you would have earned since the children if you'd had him in the primary carer role instead of you, and how your future earnings have been impacted by taking that step back.
Write down every cost you and the children have - groceries, haircuts, clothes, childcare, clubs etc.
Take all that to your solicitor and they should be able to advise you x

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo - thanks for coming back to let us know how you’re going, it’s good to hear you sound more positive about what you’re going to do. I hope you manage to have a good Christmas, if you celebrate it.

About the finances, what did your solicitor say? Otherwise, I know nothing, but @Allthegoodonesareg0ne’s advice seems sensible to me.

I wish you well.

He might want 50/50 with the children but what he wants doesn’t matter. What he can actually provide does. I would come up with a temporary arrangement to see how 50/50 works and you don’t help on those days. You don’t rearrange your work, organise childcare, help him out, food shop, dinner etc on his days. If there are situations where you cannot not intervene without it impacting the kids then make a record of it. Assuming that you end up with a more realistic 60/40 scenario then record when he is away and unable to do his 40% share. Record it for a few months and then work out the actual childcare you do rather than what was agreed and tell him you want CM payments for that amount but he can have the kids 40% when he is in the country.

Then you state you need a bigger share of your equity/ assets because you will need to provide the main home for the kids as you are the primary carer and your income is unstable because of your childcare responsibilities. Work out your total income per annum over the last five years rather than what you are currently earning. Ask for his pension information and use that as leverage on getting more equity.

tell Him he will be leaving and whether he wants to leave quietly now or with the police escort as now coercive control etc are chargeable domestic abuse offences that people go to prison for he isn’t in a good position

What’s fair is what will meet your needs and the children’s needs. The mediator won’t supply answers but will give you tools to work this out and do research between sessions.

Think short, medium and long term.

How old will you be by the time the children are in full time school?
And when they leave further education?
Is there any other work you would like to be doing by then?
How will you train and how much will that cost? Can you do that whilst running your business?
How much would you be likely to earn over the next few years?
What are your current outgoings?
How much do you spend on the children?

Write all your expenses down

My parents were always arguing when my siblings and I were kids. I’ve always said I wish they divorced when we were young so they could stabilize and create a new normal. Instead they fought and it got worse and worse. It affected all three ‘
kids school performance and ruined chances for university. They divorced right when we should have had stability and financial support to get through college but it was drawn out, back and forth, years more drama. We range in age from 44-36 now and all three of us are still affected by my parents ongoing dramatics. As someone who grew up in this environment and saw how it’s affected the kids into adulthood (we siblings have like no contact now because everyone was so damaged by the bad behavior that was modeled for us)… MY advice would be get out of this unstable chaos so you can create calm and stable home for your kids so you can guide them properly into their adult lives without chaos. But FIRST thing you need to do is go straight to a divorce lawyer and explain the situation. See if you can force him out. Have a serious think about abusive or coercive behavioral patterns and ask the lawyer what you need to do. He’s already trying to make it difficult and have his own way so you absolutely need to lawyer up ASAP.

Thanks- I've spoken to several lawyers, and unless he pretty much hits me, there's very little I can do. I even went through some of the coercive behaviour, but it just didn't meet the threshold.

I am hating it, he belittles me in front of the kids, won'r engage with me when I'm trying to plan childcare, it's like living with a mean robot! Only way I can describe it.

I want to start mediation as soon as they open in the new year, also have a solicitor meeting booked, but quite a lot of it at this stage will rely on how willing he will be to negotiate. To anyone else still living with their ex, huge hugs, it's bloody awful.

Would you be able to find somewhere to rent for the foreseeable future? If living together is so unbearable you might be better doing this. He wants the house anyway so maybe its better to cut and run?

In the short term yes in the long term no it would be giving her the house she should not leave

OP you need to grey rock and not step in. It is his time HE sorts childcare not you. You have to detach and it isn’t easy but it is what is needed.

Agree days and leave it at that. Do your chores and general around the house but nothing more

Sounds like he has someone else but need to put stuff in place before they can be together.

When is he next away for a long time? Can you use the time to look for documents that show how much money he has (hidden) or evidence of whatever is going on behind the scenes? Something feels a bit odd about his behaviour.

The weird thing is if you moved out with the kids, he wouldn't see them unless it was actually his turn. Just because he has an erratic work schedule doesn't mean you have to work around him like an on call nanny.

Also, check your house insurance: most allow absences of up to 30 days in a row, 60 in very few policies. So if you go into a rental and something happened to the house whilst he was away on one of his long work trips, the house would not be covered. If you do move out, he will have to pay you rent for your share of the house. You having your own place makes it less easy for him to access you whenever he feels like it and you wrest a bit of power back. Is it possible he's had notice from work of impending redundancy and is trying to time it so that when the financials go through he is unemployed and the split is more in his favour? Unless he's got a stash somewhere to buy you out, the house will have to be sold so I'd get out now which gives you a bit more control over your life and helps the kids avoid seeing their parents struggle with living together. He won't be expecting you to do that by the sound of things.

How are you dividing time at the moment?

What does he propose happen with ownership of the house?

This was HIS idea - what are his suggestions?

When you went to mediation, you said he wanted 50/50. How did he want that split to happen?

Grrr what a grade A cunt. As amazing as it is how much more publicity emotional abuse/coercive control gets it also tells certain men just how far they can go 😡
He also knows that whilst you are still in the house he can see his dc whenever he wants, whenever it suits him and he doesn’t have to be bound by any schedule. For him he is literally in a win-win situation at the moment 😡 He doesn’t care how all this is affecting you and he most certainly doesn’t care how this affecting his own dc - all he cares about is that he gets to stay in home, be single and see his dc when it suits him but doesn’t have to be the responsible parent because he knows you will be.

Even when going to court the other parent can’t be forced into mediation (though courts recommend it)

Sorry I have no advice op but just wanted to say you have my heartfelt sympathy.

Are you able to talk to your dc (in an age appropriate way) about the current situation?

I think you'd best tell the kids incase they start to think behaviour like his is normal in relationships.

I understand that you don't want to confuse them because he's still there. But they'll grow up and realise he was just being a knob if you are straight with them. And that it wasn't healthy. As opposed to having an unhealthy idea of what relationships look like. And that's worth a few tears now.

I'd be very clear with them that daddy and you aren't getting along and will both be happier when seperated.

Honestly I'd probably stop playing his games and move out with them tbh. I'd take the financial hit rather than let the dickhead control the narrative and keep my kids in this toxic situation. I know it's wise to get solicitor advice first but ..they only think about the money and assets. Freedom is more important imo. At least, if you can support it financially, going forwards.

Can you "secretly" record him ranting at you? Then make a copy of this ... add it to the rest of your story for either lawyers/police....and then you have concrete evidence.

Op you’re doing great! I hope Christmas was ok!
Don’t just look at what you both earn look at everything.
Savings - you didn’t have a Bank Account did you have any savings? Joint savings? I bet he has savings!
pensions - what is your pension pot? Smaller than his I bet - especially if you have been at home looking after children.
All these things could offset the share of the house.
You said you paid off a chunk of the mortgage with an investment, this could be relevant but maybe not!
Do not just roll over & let him stay in the house!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Happy New Year! Make 2026 your year!

Hope you’re doing okay OP. I just found and read your thread this morning because I’m in a similar situation and trying to find the energy to continue. We split three months ago, thankfully he left two days ago, and is now renting 25 mins away…but my god I thought we were going to be in this situation forever. It’s been so hard. I’m exhausted and trying to resource and steady myself. So can appreciate what you’re holding and experiencing. My ex is financially, emotionally and digitally abusive which has made things really hard for me to process…a call with Woman’s Aid actually helped because like you I am confident in business but have been under the spell of this grumpy tosser for 20 years. They helped me see him for who he is.

Anyway, just wanted to say you’re not alone. So glad you have good people around you 💛