In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

This is pretty much what I got told by the solicitor I saw.
The fact I was always default carer when my dh travelled, or was working in the office counted heavily in my favour regards custody. Stability for the children is the absolute priority - even if his new contract materialises you have been the children's constant.
Likewise with the divorce settlement, your career took a hit to support his and that will be reflected in your settlements

That is very wise @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo to document everything down in regards to having to support him when he is away. Remember a PP said, you work on his contract now and not the imaginary new contract that will happen.

I would just file, go to mediation and not get bullied into agreeing to his demands. He wants to keep the status quo but wants you (even when separated) to support him. That stops.

Honestly, yes, just file. One, because then you can start pressing for specifics, and two, your lawyers can do some of the heavy lifting. They ask his lawyers to confirm details, and he can't fudge it - and if he does it will come back to bite him. The reality is 50/50 won't happen - unless he changes job. So document everything - don't throw out last year's diary/calendar or download a copy if it was online, especially if it showed when he travelled, for how long etc.

The sad truth is that you'll need to pay money to lawyers for things that, if he were just honest, could be solved for free between you. But the key words are "if he would just be honest". And he won't be.

Yes I’m prepared for this and have money set aside!

I am trying to implement a rota system where by he has the kids on certain nights and then I do, it’s meant to be my job tonight and he made dinner and is up chatting to them! I give up, I need to start divorce/mediation as soon as possible! It’s like he still wants to play happy families, it’s very odd.

It's not that he wants to play happy families - he's just trying to make sure you don't have any continuity with anything - he smiles to himself inside every time he manages to unbalance you. Pushing you down makes him feel better because he doesn't understand at all what love is.

Agree that he is just trying to blur the 50/50 line.

He can’t have it both ways!

Hi OP, you have my sympathies, I had to live with my XH for about 6 weeks before he moved out and it was the worst 6 weeks of my life. If you can afford it (as a couple), have you considered renting a 1 bed or studio flat that you could stay in while he’s not travelling?
The idea behind ‘bird nesting’ is that the children get to stay in the family home and the parents rotate in and out. It wouldn’t work long term but it would give you some respite from him without disrupting the children till all the details get hammered out.

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo - this suggestion seems like a good idea to me for you for the short-term, whilst you get the divorce going. Would it work for you, or do you think he would try to lock you out of your home if you did it? Or is it just too much of a financial squeeze for you, or too difficult logistically? It would definitely define boundaries for both of you and avoid awkward moments like last night’s.

But if he's in the house and the kids are in the house why would he not speak to them? I think it would be very odd if he ignored them while you were all under the same roof.

I think while you are living under the same roof the 50-50 thing is hard to do because you are both there with the kids. The only way this will truly work is if one of you isn't physically there then the resident parent really does need to do everything - making tea, washing clothes, ironing, cleaning etc. etc.

Hopefully you have implemented 50-50 for all the chores in the house and you aren't doing his washing and stuff like that.

He is determined to prevent you having any boundaries, everything on HIS clock, suiting him.

Get a good lawyer and get them to arrange that he pays the house off and you keep it and in return you don’t go go all of his pension!

He wouldn't try and lock me out, he has the money to move out and his brother is just down the road with loads of space, but he just won't go!

I don't mean this at all, but he's literally carrying on like nothing has changed! Having dinner with me, chatting to me, asking me to help with things... My friend came over the other day and he came and sat with us for most of the time she was here, she found it very strange.

I'm literally just asking that on some nights he goes out, and on some nights I go out to start ACTUALLY separating. I think we need to start actually proceeding and healing, and being around each other all the time just doesn't work.

This is probably a good compromise!

Yep- it's bizarre, if I didn't progress this divorce forward I genuinely think he would just stay in the house with me for the rest of his life! No talk about moving on and moving forwards.

Well in that case, I really think your best bet is to do as @Gallusoldbesom suggests, if you can afford it, and move out for the times he is rostered on to be looking after the children. It would stop him doing what he’s doing now!

Having read the thread, OP, I think he spoke in the heat of the moment not thinking you'd take him seriously, hence why he's making no attempt to move out or take any steps to end the marriage or tell his family.

Just my thoughts.

Might he have got someone pregnant OP? The 6 month timeframe for the split and lack of desire to actually split makes me wonder if this is damage control in preparation for a bombshell of that nature.

Or - he wants to split up but he's lazy and doesn't see why he has to do any of the work himself about actually splitting up. He's hoping OP will do all the practical stuff for him, and still continue to facilitate his life and his parenting for as long as he wants her to.

Absolutely that could be the case, but equally he might have had no idea the OP would take him at face value when he said he didn't see a future with her.

Some people say stuff like that on the spur of the moment for effect without first putting their brain in gear. If he's one of those, she needs to feed back to him what he says and ask how he'd feel if she spoke to him the same way.

It's down to the OP if she really wants to end her marriage, but from what she's posted so far I think there's a possibility she could be throwing the baby out with the bath water.

I think that you need to be firm and not so polite!

If you have a friend/relative over and he sits down with you, either get up and move to another room or better yet tell him to go as you want privacy.

He is trampling all over your boundaries on purpose. File for divorce and get a legal separation in place.

I agree that he is lazy, but he’s also manipulative and controlling.

There is nothing strange about this.
Its what selfish men do, think what works, suits, fits for them.
You and the kids are bit players.

This is him keeping you where hevwants you for as long as he wants you.
You should have asked him to leave you alone.
His forcing his company on you both is bloody minded bullying of you.

Do it by text.
Text what you want.
For him to be civil, give you space and privacy.
For him not to force his company on you in the house.
Its a type of sneaky coercive control.
Its very very deliberate.

Definitely not this, he had a vasectomy last year!

I think it's this, I've been carrying this relationship for years, everything that happens is down to me, and this is just an extension of that! Also, I'm still facilitating his life so he wouldn't want that to stop!

He's been checked out for a while, and has become increasingly unkind, even IF he wanted to try and save it now, I'm just not interested in the crumbs I've had for the last few years.