In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

I can recommend an excellent one, based in London, but most of my meetings with them were online so should work for wherever you are based. DM me if you are interested.

Push back.....if he wants 50/50 this will demonstrate how much you actually do.

Make the schedule in the house, week on week off of whatever you think will be the status quo and do not deviate.

Literally don’t. Your marriage is over. This is a huge waste of money. It’s all no fault divorce these days so you’d be spending money to either prove or disprove something that will have zero impact on your divorce settlement.

I really cannot see any benefit at all on him keeping the house, please think very carefully about this OP, it could be a massive financial mistake giving up your home

Honestly who does this gobshite think he is.
You’ve had such good advice here OP, so I won’t add more but please stop doing his washing/cooking. Hopefully you can buy him out, and the kids can stay home

I completely agree there's no new work contract. Is it true that if its 50/50 no maintenance is due?

it is true that there's no child maintenance.

hope you’re doing ok OP. The solicitor I sent before is Hampshire.

Yes, STBXH plans on delegating his time/responsibilities when it suits him, which is another reason he's hell-bent on remaining in and keeping the family home - which will add weight to him appearing capable of providing stability for DC, instead of his imput coming across as erratic.
In the blink of an eye he'll be moving in his new 'helping-hands' maternal figure / OW / romantic partner / tinder-date who may or not already be lined-up for the role.

And he’ll use @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo guilt into changing her work schedule to accommodate his.

God I’m finding this so hard, he’s just been singing to himself full of the joys.

He’s literally acting like nothing has changed. I’m still his default child care when he’s at work, and because I think he checked out a while ago, his life hasn’t changed much at all!

I’m speaking with a solicitor this evening, fingers crossed they’re a bit better and can give me some key ways forward!

That man is in for a shock. Good luck OP x

Of course it hasn’t. His life has not changed, because you are the default childcare and housekeeper (that’s why he doesn’t want to move out).

His hope (I presume) is that the divorce will be over and done in six months and you will have rolled over and agreed to everything he wants, 50:50 custody, the house, no CMS and probably a lower share of any financials/pensions.

I hope you find a SHL and you need to stop being manipulated by him. He is not god. But a soon to be gob shite ex husband.

Agree with above - this is what he wants. To not be in a relationship with you therefore doesn’t need to make an effort with you but at the same time both living in the same house so he can continue to work when suits and see the dc when suits - he is literally living the dream and you are the housekeeper. Sorry op. Get tough and get separated properly

Is he actually singing to himself as he's full of joy or is he pretending he's full of joy.

I can see this being a tactic to make you believe he is happy with his decisions and not panicking.

I had a manager at work who would upset people and then she'd spend the next 2 days whistling to herself as she worked.
It was all a front as she knew how bad her behaviour was but couldn't apologise, eventually she'd stop whistling and then be over the top with praise etc

Oh it’s totally going to be the fake joie de vivre 🤣 that everyone can see through and cringe at but will look like a knob if they call it out

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo OP, you say people keep asking 'what do you want?' and you don't seem to know so let's get you started with a list (and remember this would be what you want - and forms the basis of negotiation - not what you'll necessarily get):
I want:

• A formal separation agreement whilst STBX and I continue to live in the marital home together;
• The separation agreement must define our 50/50 custody arrangements for the DC and these must start immediately;
• For the DC and I to remain in the marital home until the youngest has completed full-time education (OP, if you can't afford to do this without spousal maintenance e.g. a contribution from STBX towards the outstanding mortgage, then ask for this too, having calculated how much you need);
• Child Maintenance of £xxxpm (use the .gov CM calculator to fill in this gap: https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance )
• STBX to find alternative accommodation in the vicinity of DC's school(s);
• Half of STBX's pension fund (NB: he will also be entitled to half of yours).

Amend and add to this list as you see fit OP. I note that in an earlier post you say you will be missing some work meetings next month due to STBX's work. Why? If you start your 50/50 custody arrangements immediately (e.g. alternating weeks) and one or more of your meetings take place during his week(s) to have the children then it's his problem to find alternative child-care arrangements (other than you!).

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo so this is all pretty textbook behaviour and I know you will be confused because he hasn’t told you the full story here but this is what’s most likely happening.

He’s met someone else but to leave a long relationship is scary and a lot of people selfishly like to test the waters first. Sounds like he might have had one last attempt with you on your holiday but the outcome you both felt was very different. You felt you had a good time whereas to him it sounds like even though he tried, it didn’t make him connect with you in that way. Sleeping together just before or during a break up is pretty common and it’s called hysterical bonding.

He’s obviously at stage now where he can’t continue under the pretence and has told you he wants to split BUT he’s not at the stage of where he has somewhere to go / where he can move in with the other woman. So he wants to stay in the house, keep the safety net of you & the kids whilst going off and seeing what happens with this other woman, telling himself he’s doing nothing wrong as he’s now told you he doesn’t want to be with you. Then if it doesn’t work out he can then change his mind and revert back to you because he’s kept you in the dark about there being someone else.

You need to stop thinking of him now as a partner or friend or anything other than an ex and the father of your kids. He has no intention of doing right by you, he wants to end it with you and get you out the house. However, you need to take back the power here, you are married, you have young kids, he cannot force you out or to sell the home until they are 18. You need to tell him you won’t be going anywhere, you won’t be selling the house, and if he wants to split up then he needs to go to stay with family.

You can afford the house on your own, it’s your kids home, so you don’t need to do anything. You need to change your mindset and not be thinking about what you need to be doing….do nothing. If he wants to go he can go. It’s him who had ended the relationship, it’s not for you to sell the house or move to accommodate that when you have young kids. You say he’s on a good wage so he will have to find somewhere else. Don’t do anything for him, don’t cook for him, don’t do his washing, and you need to stand firm and don’t even entertain leaving or selling the house.

Look at what he’s doing, acting like he hasn’t just blown your world apart, that’s because at the moment he’s happy as Larry! Literally having his cake and eating it. Take back control. He wants to use you as a cushion to support him making his way into a new life…..with someone else.

50/50 isn’t adhoc - it’s week on, week off or whatever you agree. You can’t miss meetings because of his work!

Often if we don't know what to do it's because we don't have enough information yet to make a decision. Most of your posts are about what he is doing.

What he is doing is controlling you.

It is hard when our loved partners appear to change overnight. Remember underneath he has always been like this but just kept up the 'nice' screen to keep you sweet.

Maybe read 'Why Does He Do That' to arm yourself with more info.

I went out with someone who had moved his new girlfriend in whilst his wife was still there because that was an easy way to get his wife out. He was a man with no heart who only cared about himself. I didn't hang around as there was no point in getting to know him more.

You have a man with no heart who only cares about himself - he doesn't even have the capacity to put his DC first.

I don't understand why you are letting him away with it.

Why are you the default childcare? Do you not have a rota in place as to when each of you has the kids? if not you need to get one in place and stick to it - no if's or buts.

Oh this sounds so hard for you. I know you’re finding this a struggle, but you’re doing amazingly. Have you had any luck finding a ferocious solicitor yet?

I think the only thing you can do for yourself right now is to stop looking for reasons, answers, or especially considerate behaviour from him - his disregard and disrespect for you is your closure. When you find yourself looking for anything more, just say to yourself on repeat ‘the disrespect is the closure I need’

Now, I’m not an expert, but 50:50 doesn’t just mean him getting to see his kids half the time and you picking up the pieces and working around him. I’m the short term I’d say, fine you’re not moving out, you want 50/50, but which half of the week are you proposing you’re responsible for, because we have split up. I too have a job, and I’m no longer available to work around your business schedule

There is also a benefit of pushing your point on this - when he says he can’t commit to that kind of arrangement because of his work schedule, it means that he can’t go 50;50, and I’d personally argue it shows that his career has been prioritised over yours during your relationship

How did the appointment go?

Sorry I haven't been back to update, only had the appointment today. Essentially not a lot I can do until I start the divorce process and start mediation... I'm going to suggest we start doing 50/50 now, but with his job he'll just expect me to have the kids whenever he can't. I can't see a way around this until mediation starts!

I'm going to be documenting all of this, for what it's worth. It's just extraordinary how little control you can have over your own house and your own kids schedule! I'm still having to dance to his tune. It's so bloody frustrating.