In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Please consider speaking to Womens Aid because it sounds like he is emotionally abusing you.

Clearly his DC do not come first.

Ermm the only reason he has suggested well demanded 50:50 is so that he would not have to pay CMS.

Think about it. You have been primary carer for nine years, whilst he was working away. It could be that a 60:40 or a 70:30 may be more realistic at the moment, as his new imaginary contract has not started.

May I ask, is he even doing 50:50 at the moment doubt it?

I would phone women’s aid, pursue a solicitor (get some recommendations)?

Also, I think the counsellor was ill advised advising you that it was best that he stayed in the home! Madness.

I just feel he has it all his own way at the moment! I really want to get some idea from a solicitor what I'd be entitled to and the 2 I have spoken to so far won't even suggest any kind of outcome. I'm literally just trying to get some kind of ball park!

He can't actually provide any kind of guidance on this new contract yet, so who knows. I have no idea what his custody would look like.

He's doing 50/50 at the moment, I'd say but it's ad hoc and 'm still having to dance around his schedule, I am missing meetings over the next 2 weeks because I can't get into London because HE is at work.

You keep the house. He pay child support.

You’re actually going to be so much better when he’s gone.

On the times he has the kids for a weekend you can have time to yourself.

He absolutely needs to leave the house.

If he wants 50:50, it should start now, but doesn’t work around his schedule. You have to agree a set pattern, that’s the only fair thing to do, he can’t pick and choose. His away work days fall on his days, what a shame he’ll have to cancel work or reschedule.

I’d also go out as much a possible when he’s got the children, spend some evenings/nights staying with friends. However don’t tell him where you are going or staying, just say seeing friends if he asks - it will drive him mad 😂.

I just feel he has it all his own way at the moment! I really want to get some idea from a solicitor what I'd be entitled to and the 2 I have spoken to so far won't even suggest any kind of outcome. I'm literally just trying to get some kind of ball park! Everyone keeps saying 'what do you want?'.

I feel like some kind of maintenance, even just initially would be reasonable of me, and a bigger split to me as I couldn't work in a proper job because of him.

The 50:50 needs to start NOW.

That way he / you / potentially the judge can see how it really works out and what is required.

Yes he may be getting a new work contract, but these can be notoriously vague and flexible / changable.

The fact is, you are splitting up, so unfortunately you have to behave accordingly.

This will allow time for both you and the DC to acclimatise and you will have more time to focus on your career and income…

I’d suggest that 50/50 childcare starts now, (or you could be kind and say from 1st Jan) with a specified schedule, say you both need to see how it works & then it will be easier to agree on a final % share. Be brutal with him on his time, he has to do everything. No taking them places because you are home, if it’s his days, he does everything. If he can’t, then you decide whether you want to just record every time he has to ask you to cover (to prove later he cannot do 50/50) or insist he organises his own cover as he would have to if you lived separately.

Regarding finances, solicitors will be able to advise you better once you’ve provided them with all your finance details I think. Talk to local people who have been through the process & pick a solicitor that someone IRL recommends, some just go through the process, some are brutal & go for every last penny. You need a good one. Good luck.

With regards to solicitors, maybe put a post in the Divorce/Separation section asking for recommendations in your rough area such as Sussex/Surrey/Hampshire borders. You need to decide what type of solicitor you want and people will be able to make recommendations.

Then that is what you telll them that you would like a bigger financial share

You won’t be able to enforce him doing the admin attached to having children though - sorry. Correct me if I am wrong but even 50-50 presumes a main residence who will be responsible for certain things e.g dentist, opticians. When discussing the children it will literally be when do they see their dad and for how many nights? I would love somebody to come along and tell me they (or court) managed to force an unwilling father to do admin he didn’t want to do. So I would adjust your expectations on that.

Yes good idea, I'll do that.

it may be different but does he know something you don't? Will he expect someone else to do some of those things for him or will he have help?

His new work contract may allow for more time at home?

some parents don't do sports days or parents evenings... personally i don't think they are a big things, we literally get 5 mins with our kids teacher at parents evening as they have so many to do.

Thank you, he just can't do that right now, but he keeps claiming he's getting a new contract, and will be able to.

To be fair to him, when he's free he is volunteering to do a lot of the kid related stuff. I do think he feels guilty so is really trying to step up as he can see how upset they are, and it was him that decided all of this.

50/50 isn’t about attending sports days or parents evenings. It is purely about where the dc are and for how long.

Until your h has his new schedule in front of him and ready to give to you then it is pie in the sky talking about it - he can only go on his circumstances right now. Judge shut down my ex’s so called future plans pretty quickly when he realised it was just talk and said he wasn’t interested until those plans were actually in place and ex could prove the change.

I feel like some kind of maintenance, even just initially would be reasonable of me, and a bigger split to me as I couldn't work in a proper job because of him.

I think you are going to have to get out of his mindset, a Court is not going to take that too much into account if you are working and now have capacity to work more. I am not sure Spousal Maintenance is much of a consideration anymore, just child maintenance.

But is he just doing the fun stuff, or actually the daily grind like washing, cleaning, school runs etc?

Do you think he fully understands how much he’s hurt the children and how it’s going to affect them long term?

Also I don’t understand why he thinks it’s better for you to continue living together now, but not in 6 months time. It’s just going to hurt the children all over again.

Does he actually want this split, or do you think he said it in a moment of madness and now doesn’t know how to get out of it without looking like an idiot?

Shockingly, he probably has someone and something lined up, so this is why he's got a timescale.
From reading previous threads on here, I think the quicker you act, the better it will be for you.

Can you both do that nesting thing where the kids stay in the house and the two of you alternate staying away? Maybe you’d be there Saturday 6pm to Wednesday morning and he’d be there Wednesday afternoon to Saturday 6pm. You would both have 5 school runs with that split, one weekend night and one weekend day.
It would make the 50:50 easier and also make it easier to track the chores (eg you can note it if you come back and the house is a tip filled with dirty laundry and there’s no food available, that sort of thing).

OP you push back when you have meetings. At the moment, it is all about prioritising his work and his meetings because that's how it's always been. Not any more. You tell him when your meetings are or you both write up on a calendar what your commitments are and whoever is second dibs has to arrange childcare or re-arrange their meetings. It is not an automatic default to you. This is where things need to begin to change - he wants this change because he wants the divorce so he needs to be proactive when it comes to the family and stop being so selfish.
The ball park you are trying to establish is what the two solicitors are basically saying when they won't tell you what your rights and so on are. You need to take time to think about what you want from this and then negotiate it with their help. So if over the next few weeks or months something does not work make a note of it and use this as a pushback. So for example, dental apointments booked for DCs - he is due to do this but then has a meeting arranged. The priority is the dental appointment - he can't make it - so arranges for the appointment to be changed and then books a childminder/babysitter. If it does default to you and you have to reschedule things then you have a very good argument for why 50/50 is not practical.

How does op do that when they are living in the same house? He will just leave and go to work regardless of what is written on any calendar or who got there first. This is why he wants to stay in the same house. He gets to see his kids when he isn’t working and he gets to work without a worry.

Even things like school contacts - op will (I imagine) be #1 contact so school will always contact her about absences/forgotten permissions etc etc because the school will not look and see who the kids are with that day. And op won’t ignore any phone calls from the school.

I’m not saying all this to piss you off op - just wanting you to change your mindset a bit on how you think or hope things might look in the future.

Agreed @IAmKerplunk but these are all things that need negotiating and if he does keep riding roughshod over OP then she needs to push back. She obviously has and is used to doing this all the time but all this continued behaviour on his part is what she needs to forcefully push back against and keep battering him verbally with 'this is the change you wanted so you (as in he) must sort for himself'.
It is obvious that OP has been bullied, coerced, manipulated or whatever descriptives you want to use for years and this needs to be re-configured by both parties, otherwise she may as well get divorced and be at his beck and call. No different to now then except she'll probably be living somewhere else and unable to continue her work because she won't be able to be independent because when he says jump! She jumps!!

I don’t disagree with you at all. Maybe I am jaded - but 11yrs in if ex can’t have dc then no matter what I have planned etc ex will not collect dc so it will be left to me.

I have almost driven myself mad over the years with this. I have had to learn to let it go. Ex is supposed to have dc from end school Friday to Sunday EOW plus 2 phone calls in the week, plus 2 weeks in the summer hols and half of bank holidays/christmas/easter etc Guess how often that happens? Because he has to work. So do I, but it makes no odds to him so he will still drop dc off early or pick up late.
Likewise maintenance - ex knows if he skips a month here and there absolutely nothing will be done by the CMS.
Just want the op to prepare herself for the road ahead. Hope for your ex being an involved parent, prepare for the fact he won’t be. Don’t rely on him for anything. If you have a dd - drum into her not to give up her earning power during the child raising years and if you have a ds raise him to be decent father come what may.

OP,

There is no new work contract being created. He is completely lying to you.
FGS! Don't believe a word he says.
All he wants is you to agree to do 50/50. to get you to move out of the home.

He'll move whoever he is already planning to set up home with into your house!

He is not on your site - He is very devious. He has no intention of changing his work contract. He is way ahead of you at this point.

Stop discussing anything with him - he will only make you feel worse.
Just keep telling yourself - it will all work out. You will get the DC and the house.

Don't react or discuss anything, he comes up with. He is only looking out for himself. Remember that!

This.