In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Actually… file for divorce as soon as you’ve snooped on all the paperwork you can find before he hides it all away

What is the 6 months for?
I’d be getting in a couple if estate agents to value the house. Then you can give him a price to buy you out. Obviously you Calculate in to this all your investments.
That should wipe the smile off his face.
If he cant afford it, then he might as well leave . Which is after all what he wants.
Any judge will ensure you have enough, after a split, to house your children, as you are essentially the only parent.

Thanks guys, we told the kids today which was hideous. Really struggling right now, I know it’s for the best and he’s not my person, but it’s just the not knowing what I’ll get, and how often I’ll see them.

Your messages are really helping.

So sorry you're having to go through this and that he's causing such distress to you and your DC. At some point you will emerge from this stronger and in control but it's okay today to let your guard down with your DC. They need comfort, as do you.

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo You're doing better than you're giving yourself credit for OP. Of course the uncertainty is hard to deal with, but you've already started taking some control and the solicitor appt is only two days away and then the mediation appt with "D"H - this time next week you will have a much more information than you have now which should help you feel calmer and give you an even greater sense of control.
I don't think you've mentioned the ages of your DC. How did they take the news? Are they old enough to really understand? Do you have any plans with them this weekend? And what about you and the support you need? Do you have plans to see friends this weekend that you can lean on in real life? Please take care of yourself -sending a big hug. 🤗

I just want to say - I think you’re doing very well. You’ve had to suddenly take this huge news on board, he’s been planning it for ages.

It’s a great idea to fill YOUR home with your allies - whether he’s there or not. It’s a shared space.

Invite friends if dc round too, I’d be open with the friendlier mums at pick up and li they say “oh it’s been great to have Billy round, me and the kids are beside ourselves because dh has decided he wants a divorce and it is so unpleasant - he refuses to leave and I simply didn’t expect to be spending Advent trying to hold myself together, consulting solicitors and reassuring the kids that the three of us will be okay! So it has been a blessing to hear the kids laughing and letting the stress go for a few hours.”

id say this even if dh is in earshot, let him come and defend his shitty actions if he feels he must.

Not knowing / uncertainty is the worst. You're held in limbo, unable to make a plan because you don't know what you need to plan for. Making a plan is one of the ways that we tend to calm ourselves down.
Threatening to stop you seeing the children might be more about upsetting you than about a genuine desire to spend time with them. When reality bites children will inconveniently eat into his free time and stop him living his best life.

Yes definitely invite people round. Let everyone see a complete c u n t he is being. He won't like that, he'll be used to you protecting his dignity and his reputation. Men tend to expect that, they expect us to be scared that if we expose them they will punish us. Open the doors and let the light in so everyone can see what he is☀️

So he wants his cake and eat it too. Since he is no longer interested in being married to you, anything you normally manage for him stops.

No more laundry, cooking meals for him, etc...

This is also assuming you haven't stopped already. :)

I'm glad you're finding your anger and using it to propel forward!

My heart goes out to you. Telling the kids is horrific. I live abroad so highly unlikely you are my neighbour but if you were I’d be round with gin and the biggest un-mumsnetty hug.
I’m trying not to project but so much of your story mirrors mine. I’m just shy of 5 months on and I have realised how much better life can be, well maybe not better but how much more life can be “me”.

This is the hardest, shittest part and you’re doing phenomenally well.

Oh OP you will continue to get the best of your kids & see them for the lions share of the time.

Yes, he's suddenly decided to centre all his free time around being a Disney dad but it's unrealistic bullshit and as he's chosen a career which takes him away from his family for large chunks of time for years on end, it hardly screams 'Dad of the year' to anyone.

He's not going to want to spend all his time at home making chicken nuggets and chips, washing uniform and telling them to do their homework, karate practice and ferry them to scouts!

Don't panic. Don't catastrophise.
You are in the middle of an absolute storm but you will ride this out and all will be well.

Thanks so much, We told them, they’re 7 and 9, they took it ok actually. Sad at first, but not much has changed yet so they’ve been fine.

He’s taken them to his brothers, which I’m fine with as I’m going to see my friend.

I’m very lucky to have a lot of friends in real life, I’ve really prioritised it. He doesn’t have too many people he can speak to to be honest. I’m leaning pretty heavily on them but they’ve been absolutely wonderful.

Thank you, I’m slowly getting my appetite back and seeing this could be a good thing, then I suddenly feel very anxious about the house and money and everything and feel awful.

I’m also doing less of the ‘we could have made it work!’ As I think when we met I wasn’t very successful and I now am, and he can’t really stand it.

My sister just said he’s been holding me back for years and everyone thinks so!

He’s already being a bit moody with the kids even though he’s on his best behaviour. He’s been trying to dictate dates in the diary, and I’ve pushed back quite successfully so far.

I think I’ll feel better after some legal advice, and get some answers, they can say what I should go for.

Thank you, you’ve all been so kind. I’ve seen so many threads on here before, and I didn’t think it would be me!

I honestly have read every word and taken so much comfort. Especially from those who have been through it.

The nights are the worst, I just ruminate. I seem ok in the day. I’m going to try a different bed time routine tonight with a bath and some candles and some trashy tv I think!

OP, so many threads like yours over the years, SO many.
Every single one of those devastated women within 12 months realised that although initially traumatic, it was a real blessing.

Even more so the ones with jealous husbands that resented their success, with family that could see held them back.

Their sudden clarity, relief and ability to really move forward is always so wonderful to read.

I KNOW you are going to be one of those posters whom we will be thrilled for.

We’re still going to this therapy session on Wednesday to try and figure a few things out. I actually do want to go as she knows what he’s like and I’d like someone else to hear how awful he is being. I’m hoping she’ll get him to move out, that’s literally all I want!

This all sounds positive OP. I'm so pleased you have a ton of support IRL. Have a fab time with your friend today.
And please remember: you and your DC will thrive once you're dancing to your own tune. 🤗

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo
I like the sound of your sister !

You're doing so well OP. Have you considered telling the children's school what's happening, so they can support if required?

You are doing brilliantly and will continue to do so. He can’t control you any more and that will be driving him nuts. Good

Definitely tell the school.
They are generally delighted to be told and are extra watchful and considerate of the children involved.

Yes, so do I, she sounds as if she is going to be a great support for you, I’m so glad she’s on your side!

I highly highly doubt the therapist will be able to get him to move out.

Have you moved out of the shared bedroom yet?
Have you separated shopping and cooking yet?

You need to properly separate whilst living in the same house.

Your DSis says he's been holding you back for years, I'd bet money she's seen he's not a good DH yonks ago but she's held her tongue because you seemed happy. It might be interesting to ask her to give you examples, she may have noticed things who've still missed