Am i Being unreasonable or is H ?

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi quick summary, I am 47 work full time, do about 75pc of the cooking, and about 80 pc of the cleaning, we dont use a cleaner and we eat out (mostly takeaways ordered in these days) once a week or ten days only.

H still constantly says I am lazy. He questions any time at all on the telly /netflix or watching podcasts I like or reading my books......z

H works full time too and has over the past few years started a side hustle that is home based that takes up about 10 hours (5+5) on weekends and roughly an hour most evenings weeknights.

I used to be the super active one and was the larger /higher earner by quite a bit for at least 10 of the 20+ years we have been married - in recent years he earns equal plus his side hustle means he exceeds by about 500 Quid a month. He also does the 5 minute drive every morning and evening to get our 15 year old from the station (DS takes public transport to school and back).

I try to keep the peace by just absorbing the constant pokes about my laziness when I am sat with my feet up by 8pm watching telly till I go to sleep around 10 - sometimes I walk the treadmill when I can while watching , after cooking, washing up etc all sorted 5.30 pm to 7pm - but I had a fibroids diagnosis last May and sometimes bleed during the month upto 15 days of the month and it is very heavy - I am getting medication for this. Peri meno is a real thing for me.

last night he was scolding my son for being unproductive over the weekends and just sat around watching anime, Dexter on netflix , etc

I didnt interfere (I know my son could do a bit more with his weekends , but at almost 16, I know that soon he will be old enough to do part time volunteering work at carehomes etc as he wants to do med at uni) - But I couldnt keep quiet when I heard him telling our son that 'your A Grades are the very least you can do , given we send you to an expensive school' when my son reminded his dad he got good grades mostly As. I know for a fact H was a C student for the most part growing up! Anyway rambled on here. But the main Q is as suddenly H at 54 has upped the bar that everyone needs to work 24/7 , am I the lazy one here? He also said I should sit with my teen son and oversee that he is studying every night.

He sounds pretty awful to live with. Sorry you're having to deal with that.

He sounds awful. Are there any upsides to staying in this relationship?

Why haven't you told H to STFU and that you're far from lazy. Why oh why do you need to ask?
He sounds like an unpleasant bully.
It never ceases to amaze me that so many women seem uncomfortable sticking up for themselves.

Tell him people need to relax sometimes.... and that he should give it a try!!

You are far from lazy. I think just because he is finally stepping up with a bit of extra work he is now slightly resentful to see you sit down and relax. It's selfish of him.
If he pokes I would come back with - excuse me I've done xyz, which benefits all of us, and yes I am now putting my feet up and enjoying some time before I go to bed.

thank you I try telling him this all the time - is this like a manopause thing they go through ? Used to be fairly laid back till about 5/6 years ago and then this happened gradually

You need to grow a pair. Do not put up with this shit for one single moment longer. In your shoes, my DH would have felt the full force of my displeasure.

And whilst we’re on the subject, how come you get to do his share of life chores?

Wake up @DexterMorgansmum he’s treating you like shit and you’re letting him do it.

I think work is becoming an obsession for your DH, tell him he needs to relax a bit. Or point out people are not all the same, if you work and look after the house you are perfectly entitled to sit and read a book or watch tv once you are finished, if he doesn't want to that's up to him. Does his side hustle actually provide a source of fun/relaxation for him, or is it all stressful work? Every time he says you're lazy say he needs to relax more, see how he likes being poked all the time.

I could not live like this. You don't need to earn rest. Your kids will be affected by this behaviour from him.

How was your attitude towards him before when you were more active and were the one earning more?

You both work time so all household duties should be split equally.

He’s the lazy one.

All this. If you don't stand up for yourself he will continue to be deeply unpleasant and say the same things, you're lazy, nothing will change.
The biggest question is not are you being unreasonable, it's why do you stay silent "to keep the peace?"

Why are you allowing him to chip away at your self esteem? Why are you tolerating this?

work full time, do about 75pc of the cooking, and about 80 pc of the cleaning your DH is the lazy one and what a twat to have the audacity to call you lazy

in recent years he earns equal plus his side hustle means he exceeds by about 500 Quid a month.

So he spends 15 hours a week (60 hours a month) on his side hustle and only generates an additional £500 pm through that - is that correct?

Not exactly a captain of industry, is he? Maybe he needs to work harder.

not sure why I am tolerating - trying to avoid conflict as son's GCSE year and generally run down health on my side etc, but it isn't working is it.....

I am thinking of getting out of the house on a sunday afternoon hereafter with DS too into the city , but its harder during the winter.....

I am 47 work full time, do about 75pc of the cooking, and about 80 pc of the cleaning, we dont use a cleaner and we eat out (mostly takeaways ordered in these days) once a week or ten days only.

He is the one being lazy and setting a bad example! From now on, everything at home is split 50/50.

You don't have to confront him in front of your DS. Just take a moment when he's up in his room or something and say to H that you don't appreciate his comments, they're rude and not true and would he like you to provide a list of all you do in respect of chores? Also politely point out everyone sits down and relaxes when they need to. You are not his child!!!
His choice to do a side hustle is on him and has nothing to do with all the work you do around the home.

He also points out I have put on a lot of weight in the past 5 years and how many of our friends in their mid 40s are still staying fit......I think fat shaming is part of this .....I know I could be doing more to lose weight , I was always very slim, around 57 kg never more till almost 40 years of age, now I am a staggering 74

Find your voice and tell him to go to hell! I am also a ‘staggering’ 74 kilos (was a tiny 49 kilos but best at 61) 🤷‍♀️

He recently got told he was borderline diabetic and he has stopped sugar over the past month , was already fairly slim and now is thin - and keeps telling me everyday to stop sugar cold turkey - how would I have the energy then to be active 24/7 ? I know this isn't evil of him to advise getting off sugar totally etc, but all of this put together is getting overwhelming , this need and drive and urgency to be perfect

I wonder what happened to the guy I married 21 years ago

You need to find your peri-meno rage love!

ROAR AT HIM! How dare he call you lazy!

tell him to go fuck himself with his C grade achievements when the rest of the household is pulling in A’s.

dont take this bollocks, go nuclear now and cut this bollocks dead in its tracks

lol love this , thanks

What an unpleasant grumpy git.
This sort of age seems to be the worst one with them.
My husband never called me lazy or questioned me resting with heavy period.(46 yo).
Of course you're not lazy.
Totally different circumstances here, however, I'd tell him to fuck off and would happily live on my own.

The other option @DexterMorgansmum ?
you know all that stuff you do that he directly benefits from?

stop it. No cooking, no cleaning, no washing of clothes for him.

just a week of this and he’ll be careful with his words

So you're picking up all the slack at home while he spends 60 hours a month avoiding household chores to earn £8 an hour?

I also think you need to find your rage. How dare he call you lazy. You can't allow this to continue to keep the peace.

Any chance he's having an affair and justifying it to himself as what he 'deserves' by convincing himself you are overweight and lazy?