Am i Being unreasonable or is H ?

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi quick summary, I am 47 work full time, do about 75pc of the cooking, and about 80 pc of the cleaning, we dont use a cleaner and we eat out (mostly takeaways ordered in these days) once a week or ten days only.

H still constantly says I am lazy. He questions any time at all on the telly /netflix or watching podcasts I like or reading my books......z

H works full time too and has over the past few years started a side hustle that is home based that takes up about 10 hours (5+5) on weekends and roughly an hour most evenings weeknights.

I used to be the super active one and was the larger /higher earner by quite a bit for at least 10 of the 20+ years we have been married - in recent years he earns equal plus his side hustle means he exceeds by about 500 Quid a month. He also does the 5 minute drive every morning and evening to get our 15 year old from the station (DS takes public transport to school and back).

I try to keep the peace by just absorbing the constant pokes about my laziness when I am sat with my feet up by 8pm watching telly till I go to sleep around 10 - sometimes I walk the treadmill when I can while watching , after cooking, washing up etc all sorted 5.30 pm to 7pm - but I had a fibroids diagnosis last May and sometimes bleed during the month upto 15 days of the month and it is very heavy - I am getting medication for this. Peri meno is a real thing for me.

last night he was scolding my son for being unproductive over the weekends and just sat around watching anime, Dexter on netflix , etc

I didnt interfere (I know my son could do a bit more with his weekends , but at almost 16, I know that soon he will be old enough to do part time volunteering work at carehomes etc as he wants to do med at uni) - But I couldnt keep quiet when I heard him telling our son that 'your A Grades are the very least you can do , given we send you to an expensive school' when my son reminded his dad he got good grades mostly As. I know for a fact H was a C student for the most part growing up! Anyway rambled on here. But the main Q is as suddenly H at 54 has upped the bar that everyone needs to work 24/7 , am I the lazy one here? He also said I should sit with my teen son and oversee that he is studying every night.

Sorry, am I reading this right? You both work full time but you do all the cooking AND the washing up every night? So you are literally handing him things on a plate and he is calling you lazy? What is he doing while you are cooking dinner and clearing up? (Actually, your son should also be helping here).

The fat shaming makes him sound like a real arsehole. Tell him you’re off out for a jog three times a week after work and he can help you lose weight by having a delicious healthy dinner on the table when you get back at 6:30.

Does he do any of the following:
plan meals and shop for ingredients
His own laundry
your son’s laundry
Your laundry
Buy cleaning products
understand and supervise homework
Suggest and plan family leisure activities
Buy cards and gifts for his side of the family (Christmas and birthdays)

I hate to be that person but is there any chance he’s had his head turned? The recent constant criticism, comments about your appearance and his general demeanour suggest someone building up to a split while front loading things so it’s your fault.

In any event the first time a man called me lazy would be the last time I cooked, cleaned or did laundry for them - what a horrible way to speak to someone you’re meant to love. Please don’t start dragging yourself out of the house just to keep him happy, you’re entitled to rest and relaxation.

He's ridiculous. Say to him that you work quite hard enough at your job and household tasks and you have no desire to slave away 24 hours a day. What he does is up to him.

I've known a few of these permanently busy people. They choose it for themselves and then seem to get jealous of others who have more free time. Well, they can't have it both ways, especially if the person doing less work hours is cooking and cleaning for them!

we work the same 40-45 hours a week in our corporate jobs and earn the same, it has somehow landed that way in recent years. I could move to something higher paid I suppose but it feels impossible with all the housework at the mo.

Yes, his side hustle is coaching kids and he charges like 10-15 pounds an hour per kid - it might be up to 600-700 a month now - but is not much compared to both our net take home salaries being circa 3.5 K a month

It isn't that he doesnt cook at all - he does like one big pot or two of a casserole type dish every week which stays for two days of that week at the least, I do the rest. He does not do any cleaning , maybe 5-10 pc , but he does do the weekly food shop like 3/4 of the time - although I keep saying we can get it online just as easily but he likes those deals you get when you go in to the local asda etc.

Overall, the concern is more that he feels like we should be working 24/7 either at office work, or other money making , or housework and cooking
Never talks about leisure plans at weekends these days, I am a bit bewildered actually how we got to this point

He also keeps talking about how he wants us eating home food 95 pc of the time to avoid diabetes , and other lifestyle diseases. Its a lot of work though esp the home menus he proposes at times.

I dont think there is anyone else ....where would he have the time? who could like this workaholic lifestyle ?

Show him where the bloody kitchen is and tell him to crack on. You’re welcome.

Just get rid of him.
Your life will be much improved.
What you have described sounds ghastly.
Think of all the fun you’ll have without him droning on.

Yes he is the bio dad and the only man I have ever been with, met him at age 22.....seemed so different back then all those years ago.... he liked the money even back then, but leisure and fun too ....

the telly is the devil in his eyes, these days and its not like he is suggesting going out or meeting friends either ...I take all the effort for any party planning or social event organising....we have also been missing out on a lot of social events in our friend groups and community because he effectively works weekends as well now while I do all the cooking most weekends and cleaning ....

feel like this might be the script for being mean and cruel enough so I leave ?

I am genuinely confused

Tell him to fuck off.

He's on a ego trip because he's finally out-earning you and he's lost some weight. Tell him to shove his insulting toxic masculinity where the sun don't shine

I'd lose my shit over an attitude like this

Yes this might be it .....

Think I might be depressed by how abusive this has gotten ....the 'lazy' tag ...I have been waking at 3.30am worried about chores this past week....

A PP asked how I was with him in our 20s in the early days newly married and I was earning more....

He would still be asleep when I got up by 7 , did coffee and toast breakfast, including a cup of tea at the bedside for him , got myself leaving for work by 8 while he was barely awake - he would get to work late almost every morning (he is in tech and I am in finance) and then compensate by working till 7ish every night and getting home by 8 at the earliest, would pop over to his mums sometimes on the way back and get home around half past 8 - meanwhile I would get home from work before 6 and make us a home meal every single night - and do some light tidying as well.

Weekends I would do all the cleaning and I was very brisk and energetic back then, my body used to feel light and healthy and I enjoyed it .....while he would catch up on sleep and work on his laptop then we would meet friends for saturday night out/dinner

You need to tell him to stop. Youre supposed to support each other. I work 3 days a week, DP works 6. He does the morning drop off to school and I do pick up. I cook and wash up, he hoovers and does all the manual stuff. Last night when the kids went to bed I said I was going to clean out the fridge. He told me to stop, sit down and relax before bed. This was 8pm. Thats the support you need, dont settle for less. Its important to get some down time. Id be telling him he's an idiot and to keep his opinions to himself

The 'male menopause' can fuck right off, he sounds a knob.

Nailed it, his ego needs a kick up the rear.

Not trying to sound naive, but what really is end game of torturing your partner when you are a 54 year old man - and making her leave. 25 years of shared home and life and a DC who is 16

All the women 'our age' mid 40s to mid 50s are married with kids , that we know and he doesn't have friends beyond few work colleagues who are male and my girlfriends' husbands whom he hangs out with when I plan our social diary

I walked in suddenly the other day into his study and he had a video on that did not seem like porn but it was a young woman (like 25ish) sat on a bed , clothed and talking , he had his headphones on and he ended the video as soon as I walked in and tried saying porn when I asked what it was. Unfortunately I have walked in on him skimming porn more than once in the past 20 years and this seemed ...different.

I wondered if it something idiotic like an onlyfans ...I would not know what he does really with the side hustle money every month .....

You are doing more than your fair share of the life administration. I understand wanting to keep things on an even keel for your son during his exam year but you should be making preparations to end this marriage. It sounds dreadful to me. Do you need an iron supplement with the fibroids issue? I had my one fibroid removed and an ablation which made a huge difference to my life as it was a nightmare for a week every month. I understand that the medication eventually stops working and I wanted a forever solution. I was back at work within a week. (I actually was booked in for an ablation and they found the fibroid which the scan had missed so they removed the fibroid and then went on with the ablation.)

As for the end game, he's mean because he doesn't like you.

I need to go back to the Doctor too and sort a real solution out - the meds are as you say symptomatic relief only tranaxemic acid to reduce the bleeding , and progrestrone to balance out the hormones - there seems to be a school of thought that fibroids go away on their own if managed without growing too big till meno hits and oestrogen dips.

I just feel so ground down

Thanks everyone who replied , really helped to read

@CuddlyPug , thanks that last line ' he is mean because he doesn't like you' hit hard but true ......

Sad it has come to this , definitely need to do something more than just coasting along

What happens when you and DS tell him to fuck off and stop being a cunt?