Am i Being unreasonable or is H ?

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi quick summary, I am 47 work full time, do about 75pc of the cooking, and about 80 pc of the cleaning, we dont use a cleaner and we eat out (mostly takeaways ordered in these days) once a week or ten days only.

H still constantly says I am lazy. He questions any time at all on the telly /netflix or watching podcasts I like or reading my books......z

H works full time too and has over the past few years started a side hustle that is home based that takes up about 10 hours (5+5) on weekends and roughly an hour most evenings weeknights.

I used to be the super active one and was the larger /higher earner by quite a bit for at least 10 of the 20+ years we have been married - in recent years he earns equal plus his side hustle means he exceeds by about 500 Quid a month. He also does the 5 minute drive every morning and evening to get our 15 year old from the station (DS takes public transport to school and back).

I try to keep the peace by just absorbing the constant pokes about my laziness when I am sat with my feet up by 8pm watching telly till I go to sleep around 10 - sometimes I walk the treadmill when I can while watching , after cooking, washing up etc all sorted 5.30 pm to 7pm - but I had a fibroids diagnosis last May and sometimes bleed during the month upto 15 days of the month and it is very heavy - I am getting medication for this. Peri meno is a real thing for me.

last night he was scolding my son for being unproductive over the weekends and just sat around watching anime, Dexter on netflix , etc

I didnt interfere (I know my son could do a bit more with his weekends , but at almost 16, I know that soon he will be old enough to do part time volunteering work at carehomes etc as he wants to do med at uni) - But I couldnt keep quiet when I heard him telling our son that 'your A Grades are the very least you can do , given we send you to an expensive school' when my son reminded his dad he got good grades mostly As. I know for a fact H was a C student for the most part growing up! Anyway rambled on here. But the main Q is as suddenly H at 54 has upped the bar that everyone needs to work 24/7 , am I the lazy one here? He also said I should sit with my teen son and oversee that he is studying every night.

Could be his sugar baby tbh

He sounds like an unpleasant grump, full of his own importance tbh. I'd find him very difficult to live with - he needs to take a step back on his behaviour if he doesn't want to lose you all.

This is not good (understatement).

He sounds on a power trip, hes finally earning the same as you, a wee bit more extra which is his to spend, you don't know what on? So if you don't get to touch that, your on even money. So, 50/50 house work, own washing, days about cooking, week about you arrange the shop, he can dictate what he buys, you the same. Unless he's abusing you, you can stop this. It's difficult to stop roles we have been doing for years. Tell him a good clear rota of housework ensures nobody is "lazy" cause if he's doing the amount you say, he's the lazy one. You are also allowed to comment on how he conducts himself, tell him he bores you with his attitude, you would rather he wasn't a beanpole but a muscle guy like the young guys you see. Oh how his feelings will be hurt......

Be lazy, do fuck all. Do none of his laundry, no tidying his mess, no cooking or shopping for him. Let him see how much you do. Let him sort his Christmas. And get your 16 year old doing his share before he turns into his father.

Trying to find another angle here.

Could it be that he's got some sort of anxiety over his own health issues and he sees himself as trying to 'save' you both?

I'd be doing a few things, firstly, sorting my own health issues out. Yes, all women are tired, but get your GP to look into the issues and get you thyroid checked too. So many issues get overlooked with women and you deserve to feel better.

Then, a very firm chat with DH about him pushing his issues onto you and DS. However, as you feel that you've heard his concerns, he's right, and you will take better care of yourself. Immediately hire a cleaner (he can pay for this with his extra funds as you're doing most of the cleaning and you need this time back to look after yourself).

Put him in charge of the healthy dinner another two nights a week and use that time to take yourself out and do something for yourself. Find a gentle yoga or stretching class one night a week. Find a wine or coffee bar (your choice) another night a week, head there with a good book, write it in your diary as self care.

Take Sunday afternoon, or another time that suits you, to leave the house and do something nice with DS. DH is clearly taking lots of time out of the house with his coaching.

If he mentions laziness again, tell him you'll need the cleaner another day and him to cook another night, so you have time for more self care.

Best idea yet. The cheek of the man, time for you to completely and properly lose it. How dare he be so rude about you - time to let rip.

Stop declining invitations! If he doesn’t want to go, tell him to get stuffed!

That's terrible op, you poor thing

Tell me, what has he brought to the marriage over the years?

Hold on… what? This side hustle that he has, that means he’s not pulling his household weight is NOT being put into family funds.

oh dear @DexterMorgansmum you really do need to wake up and kick his arse into gear.

I know nothing about only fans, but that’s sounding very probable, and as you funded his fucking lay-ins all those years, the LEAST he can do is chip in the cash!

get a cleaner sorted now. Claim back your life and put this guy on notice that you are not tolerating this attitude any more

Yes I missed this, I can't believe his nerve when he's not contributing to the household at all the selfish bloody arse!!

I would tell him to fuck off

He sounds like he doesn’t like you or his life either you (including his child). If you stay in this relationship I suspect he will get worse and worse. Tell him straight that if he doesn’t change you’ll divorce and mean it.

Also, 11.5 stone isn’t staggering unless you’re 4’10” 😂 I could still pull a decent looking bloke when I was that weight. Not that you or I should want one once we’ve been ground down by the losers we’ve ended up with.

Oh the martyrdom

He is a twat
but you sound like a limp lettuce from day 1

It is your poor son I feel sorry for.

I imagine Christmas is a bleak affair. Dad moaning. Mum clashing around in the kitchen feeling out upon.

His twattishness aside you say you used to be super active. When did that change? Are there things you did that you would like to be doing again? Or new things? If health (and general aging knackeredness) means you can’t do those plus all the cooking and cleaning then why should it be your active things that get pushed aside. If he stepped up and did more of the household work then maybe you’d have the energy to get back into other things again.

I do think it’s very easy just to slide from work onto sofa (via the necessary household chores). I do so myself. But I’m not sure it’s good for me to do nothing else - so a bit of a push to do something is what I need. For me that’s extrinsic - I need to have joined something (choir, sports club, book club…)

Your son is going to become an adult thinking that it’s completely normal for the man in a relationship to do the bare minimum but relentlessly criticise. And for the woman in a relationship to meekly do everything with a wan sad look upon her put upon face, clearly despising every minute of it.

There’s something very wrong with this, unless your house is about the be condemned by environmental health no one should be losing sleep over the housework. It’s there, it gets done at some point.

Him having a side hustle that you don’t see the income from and the stuff with the laptop are also concerning. His not being prepared to discuss any of it with you reasonably is also concerning. At best he doesn’t see you as his team mate.

Are you able to speak with him and is he likely to listen to you? It’s one thing to say LTB bit it’s a long marriage and a big step to take, you may well end up there but I’m guessing that’s not your starting point.

Especially when the house consists of two full time working adults and one teenager.

what “chores” can possibly be keeping you up in the early hours?

Regardless of if it is the script, I’d leave. You’ll be much happier not having him breathing down your neck.

I would definitely go out and leave him to it, see your friends for all the social events you keep missing.

Get a cleaner if you can afford it and do some exercise, not because he wants you to, but because it’s important to be strong and healthier as you get older.

I bet he also hates it when you start loosing weight. Sounds like he wants to keep you in a box.

Tell his to piss off rest is resistance

So you have to do his share of the housework and have no social life so he can do his side hustle and he doesn't share the money? Insane.

You seem quite afraid of him if you can't raise these issues or ask him if he's so pathetic that he's wasting money on OnlyFans. You need to start seeing him as the abusive little weed he is. He does not get to be the boss of you.

You are not a robot or some sort of kitchen appliance to be got the most out of. You are a human being. You need the chance to rest and relax in life - everyone does - and time to do some things you enjoy!

To try to force you not to do this is abusive in my book.

Tell him that next time he calls you lazy, you'll prove him right - you'll do no housework or cooking for the next week. Then stick to it. Nothing makes people see what you do like not doing it for a bit.

Thanks everyone

Will be looking into weekly cleaning services as soon as back from a winter holiday that we have had booked months ago (the only one for this year, but longish) to leave on next week - includes Grandparents (both sides) too. Will pay for it , no negotiations - he seems to think being overweight now means I should use the housework as exercise to lose weight , the body does not seem to be responding to all this mopping and hoovering the way it would to regular weight training or cardio though.

Spoke to him this morning and emphasised that while there is scope for me to get back some of my pre pandemic energy levels again (in general for life really, including going out a few week nights to the gym or book club etc and reducing couch-potatoing) - that his attitude and words have made me feel he is going through that mid life/onset of ageing crisis where he would be happy to see me disappear so he could go off into the sunset with a new shiny young replacement and how silly and offensive his attitude and demeanour towards me was. He did listen .....that was something ....there was some acknowledgement in the silence though not an effusive apology or noting - it is a start though

will report back in a few weeks ! MN is full of wisdom as always !