Am i Being unreasonable or is H ?

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi quick summary, I am 47 work full time, do about 75pc of the cooking, and about 80 pc of the cleaning, we dont use a cleaner and we eat out (mostly takeaways ordered in these days) once a week or ten days only.

H still constantly says I am lazy. He questions any time at all on the telly /netflix or watching podcasts I like or reading my books......z

H works full time too and has over the past few years started a side hustle that is home based that takes up about 10 hours (5+5) on weekends and roughly an hour most evenings weeknights.

I used to be the super active one and was the larger /higher earner by quite a bit for at least 10 of the 20+ years we have been married - in recent years he earns equal plus his side hustle means he exceeds by about 500 Quid a month. He also does the 5 minute drive every morning and evening to get our 15 year old from the station (DS takes public transport to school and back).

I try to keep the peace by just absorbing the constant pokes about my laziness when I am sat with my feet up by 8pm watching telly till I go to sleep around 10 - sometimes I walk the treadmill when I can while watching , after cooking, washing up etc all sorted 5.30 pm to 7pm - but I had a fibroids diagnosis last May and sometimes bleed during the month upto 15 days of the month and it is very heavy - I am getting medication for this. Peri meno is a real thing for me.

last night he was scolding my son for being unproductive over the weekends and just sat around watching anime, Dexter on netflix , etc

I didnt interfere (I know my son could do a bit more with his weekends , but at almost 16, I know that soon he will be old enough to do part time volunteering work at carehomes etc as he wants to do med at uni) - But I couldnt keep quiet when I heard him telling our son that 'your A Grades are the very least you can do , given we send you to an expensive school' when my son reminded his dad he got good grades mostly As. I know for a fact H was a C student for the most part growing up! Anyway rambled on here. But the main Q is as suddenly H at 54 has upped the bar that everyone needs to work 24/7 , am I the lazy one here? He also said I should sit with my teen son and oversee that he is studying every night.

you don’t need to wait until he’s 16. You’re not kidnapping him, he would be choosing to leave with you (if you go) and no court or judge in the land would be forcing a 15yr old to spend time
somewhere he doesn’t want to. Better going sooner rather than later as be even closer to GCSE’s if waiting until Feb. Maybe wait until after Christmas and then have a chat to work out who leaves. As the person paying rent may not be able to afford half the bills at the family home too. You may have to stay living together but apart in same house until it sells. Get your ducks in a row as they say before then. Good luck.

Make sure your marriage certificate is in your keeping and secure as you will need it to apply for the divorce.
Find out about his and your pensions.
Look up CMS payable by your H if your 16 year old will be living with you and going on to college this will be payable until end of August after your son’s 18th birthday.
Tell your son you will take care of house arrangements etc and he has no need to worry, that you are more than capable of sorting this, and that his job is to study for his GCSES, not because his dad shouts about it, but for himself.
I doubt you will cancel the holiday as I gather you are trying to keep your powder dry but you can reframe it in your mind as a goodbye.
If it’s one of those multi-generational holidays in a villa where you are the one targeted to run around after everyone whilst everyone has a good time - just don’t. Go for walks, out for lunch etc. You are not a domestic appliance. Hire an additional car if you have to.

You need to remind him of this! He is a POS that needs telling he is!!

I was about to say ‘tell him he’s earning less than minimum wage’ chop chop’ !!

We both earn around 60-65K pounds per annum each - the side hustle he does is more a hobby that he started taking a minimum fee for so people would not use the sport coaching as just daycare if provided for free like he did the first year he started in 2018 - yes given this is still a hobby he should not be using this as an excuse to reduce his share of housekeeping chores and cooking - but he seems to think the extra 600+ per month that he gets from the minimal fees justifies that though he admits he does it for the enjoyment from the hobby sport he gets - a space within the perimeter of our house is used for the coaching and about half is online

I know what I would say if this was some one else's thread , to the OP , but here we are.

I have decided to give this yet another go - trying to get him to change - before anything else.

Yesterday I confronted and explained why I would never ever put up with him bullying our son to do more studying on weekends unless there was an actual need (less than C's IMO would justify it, whilst he is at As with a few Bs now, way above IMO the threshold)

And how worried I was when DS walked out and stayed out for an hour - with the neighbourhood being quite dark even at 3pm at this time of the year, without taking his phone, or specifying where he was going (park where DS and his friends usually meet within the estate, etc)

I just said the behaviour was unacceptable and how H thought I considered myself too old and tired to leave, but he would be surprised when he finds out I can and will leave if I feel he is not changing the problematic behaviours

I am going to try something friends and family have on and off suggested and I started implementing in prior years a few times but then relapsed back into my own cycles of compliance then tears. Basically I will stop this flight response for this duration of time that I am trying to effect change - and try fighting back instead - so I will not allow him to get away with bullying myself or DS and will ensure we continue rest and relaxation to what I deem is a reasonable amount on weekends - consciously planning in more fun rather than less and show him this is how it is and he can leave if it is unacceptable to see people relaxing on weekends whether that be me or DS.

Will keep you all posted, thank you for the wise advice - I don't have a huge amount of hope but will give it one more go in the interim period to Feb 2026

Also reading 'The Human Magnet Syndrome' as recommended on many of the threads here to understand Narcissism , and co-dependency more. Will come back to update

Good for you to get your boundaries on and tell him that you're not having any of his BS anymore.