Am i Being unreasonable or is H ?

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi quick summary, I am 47 work full time, do about 75pc of the cooking, and about 80 pc of the cleaning, we dont use a cleaner and we eat out (mostly takeaways ordered in these days) once a week or ten days only.

H still constantly says I am lazy. He questions any time at all on the telly /netflix or watching podcasts I like or reading my books......z

H works full time too and has over the past few years started a side hustle that is home based that takes up about 10 hours (5+5) on weekends and roughly an hour most evenings weeknights.

I used to be the super active one and was the larger /higher earner by quite a bit for at least 10 of the 20+ years we have been married - in recent years he earns equal plus his side hustle means he exceeds by about 500 Quid a month. He also does the 5 minute drive every morning and evening to get our 15 year old from the station (DS takes public transport to school and back).

I try to keep the peace by just absorbing the constant pokes about my laziness when I am sat with my feet up by 8pm watching telly till I go to sleep around 10 - sometimes I walk the treadmill when I can while watching , after cooking, washing up etc all sorted 5.30 pm to 7pm - but I had a fibroids diagnosis last May and sometimes bleed during the month upto 15 days of the month and it is very heavy - I am getting medication for this. Peri meno is a real thing for me.

last night he was scolding my son for being unproductive over the weekends and just sat around watching anime, Dexter on netflix , etc

I didnt interfere (I know my son could do a bit more with his weekends , but at almost 16, I know that soon he will be old enough to do part time volunteering work at carehomes etc as he wants to do med at uni) - But I couldnt keep quiet when I heard him telling our son that 'your A Grades are the very least you can do , given we send you to an expensive school' when my son reminded his dad he got good grades mostly As. I know for a fact H was a C student for the most part growing up! Anyway rambled on here. But the main Q is as suddenly H at 54 has upped the bar that everyone needs to work 24/7 , am I the lazy one here? He also said I should sit with my teen son and oversee that he is studying every night.

He thinks he's the boss of you and your home. And he's one of those shitty bosses who makes work if he sees his employee, that would be you, not doing things. He wants you productive 24/7. He's an asshole.

Disabuse him of that notion ASAP. Say no.

I'd start leaving any chore that involves him to him. Don't cook for him. Don't wash his clothes. Let him fend for himself.

He may work a side gig but that's his choice.

I think 98% will tell you all you need to know

Your husband needs to be very careful how he words things to your kids! I grew up being called lazy when I wasn't. I struggle to switch off now and usually reach burn out before recognising that I am running around after everyone and haven't done anything for myself in weeks.

It doesn't sound like your husband recognises anything other than paid employment as being useful. If he doesn't pull his weight around the house I would be making sure he knows how much additional labour you carry out compared to him. There is a group on FB called bridging the gap that tackles household inequality and also have chore division cards so you can see how much each partner actually brings to the table other than earnings.

Dear wise ladies of MN

happened again today - he yelled at son for not studying at all on a weekend - then they had some words exchanged , I was washing in the kitchen - son walked out and went out for 90 minutes in the cold - I was so worried about him out in the cold without proper layers on /no hat - was freezing. plus where he was. cried almost the whole 90 mins till son walked safely back in.

my mind is made up, and I spoke to DS when he got back - we are leaving after his 16th birthday in february (2 more months only) .......its up to him if he wants to see his dad half the week or hardly ever, but I am done with H. Today was it.

pls tell me this gets better ......

Waiting for feb 15 now............

Only 10 weeks

Well done for making your decision, OP! Life is too short to spend it with someone who drags you down and destroys your self-esteem.

Hi OP just wanted to say well done and good luck! I begged my mum to leave my dad from about age 12 I would have been so happy if she'd done what you are.
Sadly they're still making each other miserable 30 years later and of course far too old to manage a separation. It's quite sad. Enjoy your new life in peace with your DS!

OP. Before your H becomes aware of this, you need to get copies of all finances, salary, bonuses, life insurance, savings. mortgage. He is already a nasty bully, you have seen nothing yet.
Get all important docs safely out of the house. (family/friend).
You need a separate on line bank ac. that he has no knowledge of.
You start preparing in silence.
You need to change password on phone, computer, cloud, amazon etc.

I hope you’re alright and I hope you stand by your decision to leave. Life is hard enough without listening to that shit and living like that. Your son deserves to also live in peace. Neither of you will have peace with your husband and when or if he suddenly starts being nice and ‘changes’ never forget that he could have been nice all along but chose not to and it will last only for as long as you leaving us forgotten and the deadline has passed.

Also, you do not need to wait till DC is 16. He can choose who he lives with, & if your H wants to fight this, by the time it goes to court DS will be 16 anyway.
call off family Xmas trip. No point in going to his family

Sorry if I missed it but what does he do after work and the 1hr side husle every evening?

Well done OP for taking charge of your life. I’m sure things will be tough for a while while you sort things out, but in the long run it’s going to be amazing. Good for you

Oh sorry just saw your update op

Well done for making the desicion to leave.
You and your son deserve all the happiness!

Mix56 is giving wise advice in both comments.

Thanks all - wise advice and taking in every word

I am trying to both grey rock and yet act 'normal' like I got over yesterday's drama like all the other times I have let Hs bad behavior slide

In the lead up to next Feb

I think if I wait till then and DS is 16 , it will not be 'kidnap' if he and I just leave home and he gets complete say in wanting to leave with me if that makes sense
After that of course, once I have moved out with DS, then it is up to H to repair and heal with DS his parental relationship and agree with DS to come over X days a week/fortnight, whatever DS wants.

I am also contemplating H being the one who has to move out in Feb. Ultimately we can neither of us afford to buy the other out, nor do either of us need this size after separation, realistically, unless he wants to move in an Ow with DC of her own - so ultimately will need to be sold

I feel anger - I am trying to hold on to it , at the same time that I internalise it , for now

Any advice on how to hold the anger as fuel but keep it stoked low and steady please

Suspech he is on X all the time getting his rage levels up. Just leave

I'd start getting the house ready to put on the market. Be proactive, funnel the rage into being productive, and having a good think about what you want in your new house. Start decluttering and taking the things you don't want to charity shops and the tip.

Start looking at potential houses with your son, so youve got a good idea of where and what you can buy. Chat with your son about what you both want.

Sitting waiting for the weeks until February will only mean your fury has no outlet, and also the current situation may get on top of you.

Action, even if it's decluttering and looking at Rightmove is better than non action.

You need to seek legal advice so you can have everything in order and ready to roll come Feb.

Keep a list on your phone of all the shitty things he has done to you and your son and read back over it. We're too inclined to let our minds bury this stuff as a coping mechanism so we can continue on.

Get the house ready for sale and start figuring your finances and what you'll be able to afford. You'll feel a pang for losing your house but it will be worth it for the peace.

“Planning” is how to deal with your anger, knowing that you will be free of his moods, his food requirements, his judgment.
Go on a diet, go to the gym/yoga/pilates/swimming/badminton/RPM… get your hair cut. Start looking after yourself. This is the first step to freedom.

As others have mentioned, channel this energy into getting your ducks in a row. And keep your eye on the prize: your new life and freedom, for both yourself and DS.