How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

You don’t sound especially nice, if I’m being honest. Just leave him and find someone that right size and shape to push your buttons. And hope he stays that way - that both of you do, and neither of you age or become unable to exercise.

There are plenty of women out there that would climb up a 13.5 stone, 5’10ish man who has a nice smile, nice eyes and is fit enough to run 13 miles. Do both of you a favour and let him find someone less shallow.

He doesn’t want to make changes.

My husband has put on weight, his hair has turned completely grey and thinning, he has considerably more wrinkles and he’s developed arthritis since we met 11 years ago and so can no longer exercise to the same intensity.

I still find him very attractive.

Yes. If anything, my attraction has only grown with time. But attraction to me isn’t just about how much he weighs so….

Maybe he’s happy with his body and doesn’t want to make changes?

Since when has a body that can run 13 miles been unhealthy?!

A healthy body comes in all shapes and sizes. I’m a “healthy weight” but couldn’t run 13 miles if my life depended on it!!!

@ineedhelp37

"How do I tell him I don’t fancy him" you don't, ofc not, unless you are completely heartless.

How do you motivate him to lose weight, seems to be your question?

If you really don't want to be an optimistic "cheerleader" and your impression is, that he's not listening to your "subtle/not so subtle "hints", do you have children that you could use as encouragement wrt his energy/longevity?

Ultimately @ineedhelp37 if his morphology reduces you to disgust, you may just need to leave and find Adonis?

He may well be an arsehole but at least he, Adonis, looks good and gets your juices flowing.

Do you actually recognise the absurdity of your thought process?

eta; slight amendments

No, I didn't.

I'm not sure I understand your point?

It’s important to realise that we all age & encounter health issues. That’s part of life! But there is nothing to suggest the OP’s husband’s weight gain results from ill health. Rather, it is a choice.(Maybe stress as well?)

When we sign up to a long term relationship, we make a commitment- and part of that is to do our best to maintain a sexual relationship through looking after ourselves & appreciating our partner’s sexual needs. Yes, we change; and yes, ill health will make that inevitable. But it seems the OP’s husband’s physical changes do not result from the normal process of aging (men don’t need to get fat!) or from ill health. In fact the choices he’s making are doubly selfish because they WILL affect his health adversely- this has implications for the OP as well as him.

We either are or are not attracted to someone’s physical self. Guilt tripping a woman for not being attracted- well, this seems a bit like hectoring a lesbian to sleep with men. It’s cruel and wrong and pointless.

Losing weight can be really hard ( I know because I’ve got weight to lose myself!) but sometimes it is what we owe our partner, as well as ourselves. And sometimes being loving & committed means coming out & saying this.

How about suggesting you have sex with t-shirts on? Some people think that is sexy and you won’t see his chest. But honestly, if his chest puts you off it might be time to call it a day.

It's a tricky one, because if it's the only thing against him (ie he's not useless, unloving, etc) then if it was reversed and the female partner gained eight due to eg pregnancy, hormones, menopause etc and the fellow felt the ice at her new body then he'd be lynched to high heavens on here.

My husband is very slim with now muscles, and yeah ill watch someone like Jacob Elordi on TV and go phwoar for those muscles and broad shoulders etc, but I find my husband attractive too because of who he is and the way he carries himself. So do you no longer have the general spark with your husband that makes however he looks attractive?

based on what? she's happily had sex with him for years until he's starting gaining weight. theres nothing to indicate she doesn't want to have sex with her husband, just that she doesn't want to have sex with her overweight husband.

I adore my DH and we were well matched sexually until he had cardio issues 20 years ago. But now he basically cannot perform at all. too many medications at high dosages means that he cannot get a stiffie. I try my best to help, but no success, which is bad for us both.

Dramatic, though.

It is possible to change how you feel/see people though OP. As I said before, try to focus on his positives.

I have read all your posts and I can see that you have external factors affecting you, surely he has some as well? Work stress, life stress, low mood.

If something happened to him tomorrow, would you miss his abs and broad chest or would you miss HIM?

You've got the itch.

Get over yourself or divorce.

Not necessarily, I'm 48 and my sex drive is the same as it was when I was 28. Anyway, you need to decide what the actual problem is. If you rarely have sex anyway, why are you so concerned that you don't fancy him?

Not the point of the post, but if you're 5'5 and only 9 stone, but how much more are you going to lose? You're already just under the middle mark of the healthy section of the BMI for your height, and are you sure your current weight isn't more muscle than the average person? Just asking because it seems like some women aren't happy until they're very lean like some celebrities, but women should have a certain amount of fat around their belly, abdomen, hip & bum area. It's how the female body naturally is for a reason.

Otherwise, I symapthise with your predicament. He shouldn't have boobs & belly like that. Testosterone helps with weight loss and muscle building, so I've found that if a man is overweight, it's usually a sign he's really overeating.

He downs 3-4 cans of Pepsi a day, always eats cakes / chocolates etc after dinner and I find it really unattractive

Jesus well that's what it'll be then. Sounds like a bit of a sugar addition. Are those full sugar Pepsis as well? The have so many calories and they'll be bad for his teeth!! It'll take him a while not to miss these treats and not to have that craving anymore, but it is possible. Any cake should be once week, maybe on a Friday or the weekend. Same with Pepsi, and he should be snacking on something like celery sticks & humus.

He needs to cut back on carbs generally a bit as well. If he's snacking on pieces of toast or crumpets, that really needs to stop because it really can add on the pounds.

He doesn't care enough about his health & appearance to do this on his own OP. At the moment, his present state is not costing him anything substantial, as far as he's aware, but he needs to know that is is and that's part of the reason why you don't want to have sex. It might be the motivation that he needs.

but @Papyrophile your husband's issues are not preventable, they are non-modifiable i.e. his heart issues are totally outwith his control, unlike @ineedhelp37's husband?

Yes! And we've been together over 20 years. We've both changed a bit but we accept that will happen. I still fancy him and he's very handsome.

At almost 70, the primal urges have passed but sex would be lovely. The warmth and intimacy would be fantastic. I still adore the man I married, but I am also fairly certain that I will be a widow before five years pass by.

yes. 27 years and he’s still the same, but older. So am I

If you truly loved your husband, none of it would matter. You clearly don’t, so set him free to find someone who would love him no matter what…

Forgot to add - ask yourself if you're still attracted to him as a whole person, as a personality. 'He treats me well' is not the same as that. You've got to ask yourself if you actively are drawn to him as a person now. If not, it could be part of the attraction loss for you.

If you are rejecting his advances, then he knows something it wrong- get ready for being divorced as that’s were you are heading

How do you tell him you don’t fancy him?

I think 14 years of having sex 4x a year probably is a strong indicator that you don’t fancy him and that he’s not overly bothered by that fact.

He's 45 not 25, anyone's abs at that age won't be quite as defined as they were even without cake and pepsi.