How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

It sounds to me like you have an enviable relationship. Deep love. I'm envious. Most of us don't get that. ❤️

You say you don’t / never had a high libido
you don’t fancy him and possibly never did

so leave him and find someone your physically attracted to

but the reality of meeting men at your age is pretty much all of them want sex and definitely more than once a quarter like a bank statement 😂

and most likely a fit gym bunny man will have his pick of attractive women who want sex with him

Missed OP’s updates about her health problem ?

I'm so confused as to where in any of my posts I've claimed not to be in it for the long haul. My DH is quite literally now physically disabled and uses a cane to walk. I have certainly changed and will no doubt change, just as he will.

What I'm saying is that neither of us expect the other to suddenly change by choice.

OP has chosen a man who she never found attractive to begin with, and unfairly expects him to improve to meet her standards and lifestyle choices as he ages.

I imagine if you did tell him “I don’t find you attractive or want to have sex with you since you’ve put on weight” then surely his response is going to be along the lines of “well, you’ve never wanted to have much sex with me anyway so what’s new?” He’s in a virtually sexless marriage, I’m not surprised he isn’t particularly interested in the effort of giving up the cake and hitting the gym, when his level of attractiveness to you still isn’t going to make any difference to his sex life whether he does or not. He’d rather eat what he enjoys than count the calories for sex three or four times a year.

You aren’t attracted to him, you don’t want sex with him, you dislike and sound contemptuous about the way he eats and what he prioritises. It’s a much broader problem than his weight, and sounds like your marriage has reached the end of the road.

Very sweet of you to say that, thank you. We're not perfect – no relationship is – but we just get on really well and he makes me laugh like a drain every day. I'd call our relationship imperfectly perfect!

Would it improve if he lost weight and worked out?

I’m just trying to gauge if he’ll still be at square one with you if he made those changes. It’s certainly not a bad thing to want to improve yourself but if he does it for you will you both benefit in the marriage.

I've read all the OP posts.

Shallow.

That's all I can think. I feel sorry for OPs OH.

@ineedhelp37 you're getting a tough time here but I have to say I wouldn’t be attracted to my husband if he really let himself go either. It’s not just the physical appearance of being overweight, but the (assuming no health conditions) lack of discipline and unhealthy lifestyle that lead to it, that I wouldn’t like. That said, my husband and I (late 30s, together since teens) have always enjoyed an active lifestyle and eat very healthily on the whole, so to gain “moobs” would take quite a change and a shift in personality.
If you’re feeling an absolute “ick”, then I suspect things might be too far gone, but in your shoes I’d have a frank conversation. Probably from a “I’m worried about your health and I feel less attracted to you”, perspective. Good luck.

Ageing is inevitable but weight gain needn’t be. Neither DH or I look like we did 25 years ago, obviously, but still very attracted to each other - some clearly don’t consider that important, and that’s fine, but I do and understand your OP.

Sounds like he's comfort eating and if you've got a low sex drive where's the incentive for him to get in shape to please you.

I’m with you OP.

I’ve been married 25 years and yes I am as attractive to my DH as I was when I met him.
Actually more so as since he stopped getting drunk all the time about 10yrs ago he’s a nicer person. That said, he is an ultra runner, uses the gym (we have a small home gym) and eats as healthy as he can.

IF my DH got chubby I know I wouldn’t fancy him physically. It would make me said as he’s very good looking and I’d still fancy him until he took his top off. Don’t care if people call me shallow (I know I am) because looks are important to me.

Well don’t buy this stuff! If it’s not there he can’t scarf it down…

how old are you @ineedhelp37 perimeno could be exacerbating this issue- you may need HRT.

i was obese btw, serious health kick this past 18m, now I’m fitter than I’ve ever been in my life, practically indefatigable, and I’m 57.

talk to your H, with love, but lay it all out there

I’m in meno and no weight gain. Same for DH. We are not as firm as our younger days but not fat and no moobs or big bellies. We just carry on with good diet and keep up the exercise. When you hit middle age you have to choose your direction, keep fit or don’t bother. You have to be on the same page. OP and her DH aren’t.

Exactly what I was trying to say.

Yep! Me! I can!!!

I have been with my DH for 22 years and I still fancy the pants off him. Even though now he is thinner than he was, and not as muscly, is losing his hair and has grey in his facial hair. I bloody love the bones off him.

I am 2 stone heavier than when we met and he still finds me as sexy as hell. Thank god he is not as shallow as you.

We actually agree on OP never finding her DH attractive in the first place.

I'm sorry if I misconstrued your previous post. It just sounded like you are being quite rigid about it. That, as you both age, if your DH decided he wanted to eat lots of chocolate and gained a bit of weight, that would be a deal breaker for you.

Did you look much different when you first met? I bet you did. Has he expressed that to you or the internet.. probably not as love runs deeper than physical looks.
Leave him if you’re that bothered, he will thank you.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker because I love him, but I would absolutely bring up that he'd gained a bit of weight and discuss that with him, as our personal long term goals have always included remaining as healthy as possible. It's part of why we work so well; having common goals. I'd expect him to do the same thing if I suddenly made a big lifestyle shift, and honestly I'd want him to do that so we could get back on track or discuss any significant changes to those plans.

It'd be the same for any other sudden change in lifestyle - if he started drinking heavily, etc.

Natural aging and the changes that come with it can't be helped, neither can events like illness and injury. All we can do is make our choices and stick to them as best we can.

Is that the only thing you find attractive in the world?

I find all sorts of things attractive, like kind eyes, a cheeky smile, dimples, a foreign accent, great sense of humour etc... My DH has some (most) of them so it doesn't matter if he doesn't meet one thing I find attractive, or he gains weight or anything else, there are still so many attractive things about him.

You've said you got together with your DH because your ex moved abroad...but there must have been something about your DH you found attractive? If not why were you with him at all, and why is this only bothering you now?

You do realise you're both going to get older and older (if you're lucky). One of you might have illness or have to have an operation that changes your body. He doesn't sound morbidly obese or anything. Things change, I went from your weight to 2 stone heavier in a couple of months, after family deaths and having a tumour myself, stuffed my face because of it. Things ebb and flow in life.

Do you like him as a person op? Do you get on well other than the fact you don’t like his moobs?

You can’t help who you’re attracted to OP. You’re getting some stick but it is what it is.

suggestion - could you frame it like this;

”I’ve been thinking about the impact my meds has on my sex drive and I’d like to try and work on offsetting that. I feel like I’d be more ‘up for it’ if we both put a bit of effort into our physique - shall we try and get fit together? I think I’d really enjoy that, what do you think?

or is that the kind of thing you’ve been trying?

To get beefed up will take a lot of work for him. If he’s not doing it because HE wants to I think you just need to accept it’s never going to happen. Personally I think it would be really hurtful to say you no longer find him attractive. But it sounds like a conversation is needed about your lack of interest in sex with him now? You could possibly frame that as getting fit together might reinvigorate your libido? However if he already does 2 HM a year it sounds like he already is pretty fit

Completely agree! How rude! I'm sure OP doesn't look exactly how they looked 14 years ago either! Massively shallow!

You should definitely just leave. For HIS sake!