How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

He most definitely is well within the overweight category. So no I’m not being vain or any of the other things thrown at me here. He is by definition, an unhealthy weight. And yes, that’s unattractive to me.

@Arregaithel thanks for your reply. In our case it is purely age and illness that limit our sex life. Nobody is rejecting amorous moves, we would both be quite keen. But while the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak.

I don't want to say you are shallow because you cannot help what you are attracted to, but imagine this: Your husband gets super fit and toned again. Great. But then time passes, normal ageing affects him (and you) - are you going to be able to cope with that if you are so focused purely on physical appearance? If there isn't more to your relationship than that, you're doomed.

Say he lost weight and built muscles

you still wouldn’t want to have sex with him, so what? You’d be happy to cuddle him?

I just think it's sad and I wonder if more to it. 45 year olds are not often to be seen with six packs, be a full time job to get to that!

My OH and I are getting on and have let things go a bit but I love him as he is, and probably would whatever he looked like. It's what he does and is a person that's important for me. As it stands though, I still fancy him!

So why not end the marriage then, you no longer find him attractive, relationship is doomed nothing else to be said. Go, LTB

Not often I feel sorry for a bloke.

The idea that there'll be a long line of muscly middle aged men waiting to scoop you up after the divorce represents a level of optimism I aspire to have.

So basically you married your husband despite not really being attracted to him because you didn't want to be on your own .

Been married over 15 years. My heart still flips when I see my DH and he’s come to pick me up at the station or something. I feel attracted to him more than ever. We’ve both put on a few pounds and are aging but we have been through tough life circumstances and while my DH is not perfect (and nor am I), he has been there when it counts and is a good man with a kind heart and our day to day life is good . I wonder if perhaps you are unhappy with life more generally - with him and your own- and it’s just manifesting itself in this way. After so many years of marriage I find ick a really odd word to use about your DH and ‘reject’ him, there’s a sense of superiority coming through although perhaps unintentional. Have you spoken to him about doing healthy eating together? Do you have future plans of things you want to do together eg travel etc. what are your personal future goals irrespective of weight etc? Are you bored? This focus on abs etc seems a little misplaced. It sounds like something is missing from your life and you need to work out what.

@ineedhelp37 off subject but would you mind sharing which rare autoimmune it is ? I tried to p.m it wasn’t working .
Happy to chat there if you don’t want to post on here .

I don't blame you for finding the results of such an awful diet unattractive.

My DH is kind, thoughtful, empathetic, a present and involved father, hard working, good humoured. THAT is what I love, his love handles are just cherry on the cake.

OP you don’t love your DH, his looks aren’t the issue here.

He runs marathons, walking won't fix moobs.

Misses point entirely...

My DH is 5’11 and 13.5 st and he’s fine. I have also been with my DH for over 12 years and I’m deeply attracted to him. I’m massively overweight on MJ and doing something about it and never once has he said that he’s not attracted to me or made me feel crap about myself.

If I guy spoke of his partner the same way you have towards yours, he would be accused of being shallow ! Love between two people should be based on the connection and the mutual respect & love. Looks change with age but the inner soul doesn’t & that’s what keeps two people bonded together! Certainly not a couple of pounds and other shallow judgments 🙈

Thank you for the quote!

inwas trying to think of it and

What a shallow hurtful vessel you sound, not to mention superficial.

Hmmm I know it's a serious issue but how about mentioning it in a light hearted way? I'm just trying to think of ways to make it less crushing for him.

Like, when cuddling, say "Hey I used to love your belly, and of course I still love you but I do worry that you're not taking care of yourself so much nowadays".

Or you could go for the general health angle rather than specifically his belly/moobs, and to do with both of you. Something like "Hey can we try to keep healthier food and drink in the house, rather than the chocolate and pepsi, as I want to stay healthy, and I don't want us to slide into that middle aged thing that people sometimes do of letting themselves go".

Or more specifically to him, mention that you're concerned (/"I've read an article recently") about the effects of too many fizzy drinks and are worried about how it's not good for his heart, liver and kidneys.

I think it’s a smoke screen tbh

otherwise people would stop having sex past 30

i think if he lost weight you need to ask yourself if you find another reason to reject him

I had Guillain-Barré syndrome

That's not the point.

The point is that you married someone who was never your type to begin with, and now you're acting all wide eyed that he's gone even further in the opposite direction you'd prefer him to.

Plenty of posters here agree that poor quality diet and lifestyle leading to weight gain wouldn't be attractive to them either. But you CHOSE this man knowing he wasn't going to be someone in the gym, and presumably he's always had a bit of a sweet tooth.

You're also convinced sex 4 times a year is normal, and want him to change his lifestyle when he likely won't even reap benefits of it sexually and emotionally (have you been to the doctors about this? Even on medication this is a very low libido for a 38 year old, yet you seem happy as it is. Have you tried making changes?) All of this and your own poor choices don't exactly make you the brightest spark or the catch of the year.

You sound as cold as ice op. You haven't said a nice word about your husband on here. No wonder he spends his evenings eating chocolate.

Why would you be telling him you don’t fancy him as opposed to approaching it from a health perspective? Do you actually just want to tell him you don’t fancy him?

I haven't seen many people advocating that the OP grit her teeth and bear sex with someone she's not attracted to. But what I have seen is people trying to get the OP to define how the marriage is otherwise and what it is she ultimately wants.

Given that she has a low libido, regardless of partner, is the rest of the marriage important to her? Or would she prefer to be on her own or take a chance on finding someone she's more attracted to (and is that worth the upheaval for 4 times a year)? What would her ideal end result of telling him be?