How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

She said everyone... That's what my comment was to.

This is the problem isn’t it? She might just have gone off sex a bit which isn’t the end of the world and you can work in it / get help. She’ll never know unless she tells him and he tones up or she tries someone else. But one of those options might spell the end of the marriage and the other one definitely would end it. She might be left realising she didn’t fancy anyone after years of being together. It’s tricky for her.

Lets turn this around and imagine a man wrote this about his wife...

Mid 40s is a life changing time. We age in two phases. 40ish and 60ish. Meno belly. Hormonal changes.

Surely if you love someone, you love them regardless.

I’m sorry but there’s no way in hell I’d be giving up sweet treats and turning into a body builder just for sex 4 times a year. Leave him and let him have a sex life AND a slice of cake after dinner. Life’s too short!

seriously though OP it sounds like the low libido you put down to medication may just have been because you never fancied him in the first place

Attraction can ebb and flow in a relationship but it sounds like you've never found him physically attractive and I bet deep down he knows it. That's why he's given up looking after himself – what's the point if it wouldn't actually make any difference?

It's quite telling that you say nothing of his qualities as a husband too. Is he kind? Is he thoughtful? Is he a good friend? Is he interesting to talk to? Does he make you laugh? Because those are the only qualities that will matter years down the line when you're both in your eighties and your arses are sagging down to your knees.

Life changes. Not bad food and exercise choices. Can you read?

I fully expect him to change and he fully expects me to change as we age. I do not expect him to develop a sweet tooth and blow up overnight, nor does he expect me to either.

Be careful what you wish for. Plenty on MN whose husbands suddenly took to the gym/getting fit/losing weight and then it turns out it was all for a ow. Or he suddenly becomes attractive to ow. Now what are you going to do? Maybe have the conversation but you have to be prepared for it not to be what you want to hear.

Your level of love and intimacy isn’t worth fighting for, he has decided to have cake instead.

This 100%

None of us will remain the same
as we grow older- but I suppose you can’t help the type you are attracted too. He won’t regain what you are looking for. So you have a choice in terms of what you do about it!?

I think the way to view it is that every time you reject him you are hurting him. Your feelings are valid and you can’t help if you aren’t attracted to him but you not wanting to tell him because you don’t want to hurt him is misguided as you are already. Take a deep breath and just say it how it is to him. If you love him and want to stay with him. If you find him unattractive and don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore then you will need to talk to him anyway. Either way communication is the only way out of this. Good luck!

Just rip the band aid off and leave him. If it makes you feel better, it’s clearly his fault for settling down and deciding he doesn’t need to take care of himself anymore because he’s already married. He has nobody to blame but himself and you deserve so much better. 🌷

OP it sounds like your husband is comfort eating and this usually starts in childhood and is hard to change.

If you reject him he will comfort eat more.

Maybe couples therapy could be worth a try.

Do you have children? If so, then hold on until they are adults.
If not, it may be time to part ways.

Oh mate, just wait until you hit menopause. Let's hope your DH sticks to his side of your bargain when hormones add a layer on you.

Ah yes, menopause. Where all women immediately become overweight overnight.

It sounds like you've got a wee bit of bitterness going on there!

OP, you're coming across as superficial and cold.
This is far deeper than "I don't fancy my husband anymore because he's got moobs and a belly"
Can you honestly say that you haven't changed physically...or personality wise...in your 14 years of marriage?
You've fallen out of love with him and are looking for a way out.
You're not compatible, the marriage has run its course, probably for both of you.
Call it a day and give him the chance to find someone less shallow.

You know what, you don't get to dictate what someone else eats. And as for denying sex because YOU don't fancy them anymore...

'do not expect him to develop a sweet tooth'
'blow up overnight'

Just as well he's as judgemental as you.

Not bitter at all. I have gained weight in menopause – yes, not all women do, but many, many do – and my DP loves me regardless. Same for me when he got ill with a heart issue and had to give up running. We're in it for the long haul, not just while we have six packs.

So many cruel & unhelpful responses - I wonder what planet so many posters are living on.

Nobody is obliged to be sexually attracted to anyone else. And being guilt tripped into having sex with someone against your will - gritting your teeth & hoping it will soon be over- is a form of sexual assault.

OP, your issue is having let it get this far. You should have spoken about this some time ago.

You need to sit your husband down & say that you love him & want the two of you to have a sexually fulfilling and loving relationship - and that as part of this you need to help him address his weight.Don’t put this all on him. Suggest this as something you will do together- the ‘get DH healthy’ project. Stress that you love him.

But this has to change because your relationship will end unless it does. This does not make you shallow. The posters shouting that it does are not thinking of your relationship & what needs to be done to save it.

No-one owes sex to another person. If you don’t fancy someone, sex with them will be distressing. Don’t listen to the posters who seem to want this. Focus on communicating this message to your husband with love & empathy. It will be a very difficult message. But your husband - if he values your relationship- needs to hear it.

My husband & I have put on weight since we met about 40 years ago. He has a dad bod and I’m about 2 stone overweight. (Which I’m trying to lose, doing it for me). We are still as attracted to each other as we’ve ever been. We accepted that your bodies do change as you age. Your relationship changes the longer you’re together . It becomes much deeper than just physical attraction. I had lifesaving major abdominal surgery and my stomach muscles are shot. I’ve a 10” vertical scar and a jelly belly. I had real body image issues about this. My husband assured me that I’m still the sexy women he married

Exactly. The shock will hit her like a ton of bricks.

Certainly will.

Yes, I can say that. I’ve been with my husband for 30 years, of course he doesn’t look like he did when we met in our 20’s. Neither do I. We’ve both put on weight during that time, and lost it, and been in shape/not in shape. My DH was absolutely bloody gorgeous when we met, really fit etc.

It’s important to base a long term relationship on things that go beyond how you look. I’m attracted to my husband because he’s generous, funny, caring and always there for me when I need him. He’s a total pain in the arse sometimes, but then I know that I can irritate him too. All part & parcel of how relationships progress and change. DH still keeps fit but obviously he doesn’t look like he did 30 years ago, or have a six pack.

If you can’t get past the fact your husband isn’t the ‘athletic type’ then you need to make decision on whether you stay with him. It’s not fair.

You also need to think seriously about your expectations, if you expect your partner to stay in great shape all the time then what would your reaction be to illness/injury or life changes/getting older. Do you still love your DH?

Are you deliberately misunderstanding my posts? My point is that I chose my husband in part because our lifestyles align. We're both very considerate of our health.

OP chose her DH knowing he wasn't her type. Now she's complaining. This is what I'm pointing out.

@TheGiantBear
You need to sit your husband down & say that you love him & want the two of you to have a sexually fulfilling and loving relationship - and that as part of this you need to help him address his weight.Don’t put this all on him. Suggest this as something you will do together- the ‘get DH healthy’ project. Stress that you love him.

And when she STILL doesn't want to shag him, she'll move the goalposts again. Lack of personal hygiene. Dress sense. Attitude.