How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

She can change what they eat.

It's not you, it's me....

There’s loads but their personalities are the problem 😂

Surprised at so many comments from people who seem to have given up- been married 27 years and the key is talk and share if something is not making you happy. It's not shallow or terrible to have feelings about health and looks- being your best is a mark of respect for your partner- it actually is a way to show your love. Both my husband and I try to work out and keep as attractive as possible/realistic for each other- makes the other one proud to see the effort and love. Tell him how you feel and say you want to work on it together. He will feel much better in the long run with self esteem and general fitness. Contrary to what is being said it is not good to not give give a toss about your own health or your partners. If you didn't care you would just leave- the fact you want to work on it together shows a lot of love and responsibility to your partner-good luck.

I reckon of the ops DH achieved a healthy BMI, she would still feel the same. A BMI of 27 is hardly hugely overweight...if you don't feel attracted to your husband because he's just in the overweight range, then there's really not much hope for the relationship. I mean if he was hugely obese I could perhaps understand the lack of attraction but personally I think the op is using this as an excuse.

This!

I think your going down the wrong road OP

I get you OP , I felt the same at one point and even more hypocritically was3 stone overweight myself - it wasn’t just about weight though in my case, some of his behaviour gave me the ick too, so it was a combination of both !!

You could frame it as legitimate concern for his health. eg you don't want to lose him young through ill health, so maybe he could lose a few lbs and get some exercise

G.. YES
30 years and he’s even more attractive….

Thankyou for replying.
Im very sorry about your diagnosis, reason I asked is I am on the cusp of final diagnoses of a rare autoimmune and wondered if it was the same thing. (It’s not )

Can do fun things that involve occasions
exercise? Splash park/swim, rowing, visits to historic places (involves a few steps), etc? Doing exercise naturally will be fun and may bring you together.

Don't talk daft...his BMI is 27. There's not going to be a documentary made about him anytime soon....

Doesn't sound as if you even like him, let alone fancy him.

By all means bin him off and snap up all the athletic six packed middle aged men you imagine are out there for you.

He downs 3-4 cans of Pepsi a day, always eats cakes / chocolates etc after dinner and I find it really unattractive

Who is buying all of these?

BTW I don't find overweight men attractive in any way.

A BMI of 27 in a 45 year old man is frankly normal - the problem is you married someone you have never fancied - people age and change and that includes weight gain, greying hair, hair loss etc. Kelly Brook isn’t going to look like Myleene Klass did in a bikini in I’m a celeb because she is a 46 year old woman and not a 26 year old one

your problem isn’t the weight gain it is that your relationship was built on shaky foundations to begin with and you can’t escape that

I suspect he offered you something you needed when you got diagnosed that you no longer need

there is no future in this relationship at all

You dont sound compatible. You dont just want him to lose weight you want him to have a totally different body shape. To become very muscular/6pack requires alot of time and effort.
Its one thing eating healthy and a completely different thing to tone up and get a lot of obvious muscular definition.
Also really if you truly loved him it wouldnt be this big of an issue. He obviously accepts you as you are .
And thats fine. That is your right. But longterm you shouldnt just string him along .

This is the second post that assumes only women can buy food.
Surely HE is buying these things.

That was't my intention. The OP might have bought those items for herself.

And earlier Wild Leader said

"Well don’t buy this stuff! If it’s not there he can’t scarf it down…"

Even when the woman is the one who does the big shop, a problem eater will always find a way to get their treats.

@ineedhelp37
your relationship is over OP.
It sounds as though you have had the ick for a while!

You’re 38, not 68! It’s a long time being in an incompatible relationship where you don’t find your OH attractive. Your libidos aren’t matched either! You’re both still young!

I’m a year younger than you, been with my husband 22 years. Over the years we’ve both had spells where we are heavier etc
Currently my BMI is 29 and I’m working to get it down. My husband was overweight BMI 30 plus for a couple of years and suffered with health issues secondary to having seizures and dislocating and fracturing his shoulders. He’s now in a healthy BMI range.
Throughout all of this…….I still found him attractive throughout (even trying to navigate sex with an across the body sling! 🤣) we have sex around 3 times a week! TMI but our sex life has got better since our mid 30s! I love him more than anything, his personality/outlook on life makes him attractive as well as physical.I hope that we continue to have a good sex for many years to come!

Does he make you laugh?

"Overweight" is fat. It's a synonym/euphemism for fat. Look it up in the dictionary.

WHO: "Overweight is a condition of excessive fat deposits".^ https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/obesity-and-overweight^

It means somewhat fat, and needing to lose weight, but not in the category of "obese".

I don't find overweight men remotely attractive, either, OP. It's something I cannot and will not accept in a partner. I'm not overweight, and I make sure to keep it that way, and I'd expect the same in anyone I was romantically or sexually involved with. I think that's very reasonable.

It sounds like you have fallen out of love with him? Grown apart? I felt like this with (now ex) dh, it got to a point where I didn’t find him attractive anymore, not because he had gained weight or got older, there was far more too it, I had fallen out of love with him so eventually every thing about him was no longer attractive.

I think if you truly love some some one, you find them attractive…..even if they have gained weight or grown old.

It sounds like you are far more into being fit and slim than he is, he doesn’t sound obese or lazy, he’s just grown older and less bothered about how he looks? If your not attracted to him anymore then maybe you are no longer compatible?

I feel bad for you with all the replies about how shallow etc. I don’t find overweight men attractive and that’s ok. My husband I don’t think would find me attractive if I was over weight. Yes we aren’t all muscle but we both kept and stay in shape. Look after what we eat. I have said to my husband before I don’t like when he gets heavier. 6,1 and 13 stone he can creep to 14 and he doesn’t like it either. I’d suggest talking about it. People can talk about things like this without getting defensive or aggressive. Adult communicating despite what MN say.

Yes, it is "normal" to be overweight or obese in this country; 66% of adults fall into either category. That does not mean it's ok, healthy, or attractive, and excuses shouldn't be made for it. Weight gain is NOT inevitable as people age.