Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

[Whereismymind12]

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

I'm so sorry this is happening

I think you have your answer when he told you he would rather you left than give her up. She is more important to him than you and his marriage

I would get legal advice and make plans to divorce

I agree with the first post, this situation is untenable.

He's pushing you to leave him because he's too much of a coward (or a narcissist) to take responsibility for his own actions. I'm so sorry OP, but I think you're right.

Thank you for reading and responding.
I find it so hard to understand his actions and attitude as when we are happy, we are really good together. He seems to want me to be happy about the two of them and not to raise any worries about this and then all will be well.
He insists I should see her like a male friend of his as that’s how he sees her.

I agree he’s pushing you out.

There is a other thread running with someone whose invited a very similar situation to you OP, I will try and find it.

He's hiding in plain sight. It's a terrible thing to do to someone you're supposed to love.

He seems to want me to be happy about the two of them

This very thing has come up before in threads about emotional affairs: the H wants his wife's blessing on his relationship with the OW. I suppose if he can delude himself his wife is happy about his relationship with the OW it absolves him of any guilt.

I'm afraid your H is following a well worn path.

According to him I am completely wrong and it will be my fault if our marriage ends. That I should see it for what it is - a nice friendship.
I genuinely believe he is a little bit in love with her but won’t admit it to himself and certainly not to me.
But in my heart it feels very wrong and makes me feel distant from him because I guess I’m trying to protect myself from what I think is the inevitable. It’s like going slightly mad because I’m being told I’m in the wrong and therefore going to wreck everything. What I don’t get is that he is a really lovely caring person usually. And still often is to me.

I'm sorry OP that sounds very difficult 😔

It might not be a popular opinion but I don't believe it's the right thing to form close friendships with the opposite sex when you're married. I think it's different if you have a close friend before you meet your partner, then you would introduce your friend to your partner and over time, they would become a friend to both of you. But meeting and getting close to a work colleague is a different thing. I have been friendly with male colleagues but that hasn't extended to outside the workplace except for group work nights out.

Your husband is not showing care and consideration for your feelings, which is worrying. How much time is he spending with his friend? Would he be open to introducing the two of you and trying to put your mind at rest?

Has he told you it’s all in your head and you’re crazy by any chance?

My god, the writing is on the wall. If a man said that to me, there and then I would have said ‘no fucking problem, I’m off. I’ll leave it to you to tell our children that you chose a platonic work colleague over their Mother.’

And just why is he expecting you to be the one to leave?

He is making you unhappy and should be trying to reassure you, not telling you to leave if you can't accept the friendship. If this friendship is so important to him he should be packing his bags, not you!

To make a marriage work you have to always strive not to develop these kind of attachments to others as it threatens the marriage

love is action that needs doing and work putting in

I’d be devastated by the “leave then” attitude - completely out of order

He has made his position pretty clear to you and you should leave him. I'm sorry. He has told you that he chooses her.

So long as it's not part of a pattern of behaviour on your part where you restrict him from having friends, then asking him to step back from one particular person for a specific reason shouldn't be such a big deal.

I've always made male friends easier to be around than female but when a friendship with a school dad made DH feel uncomfortable, I backed off from it without a second thought. He felt dreadful even raising it with me, because he knew that this guy was going through a lot but in truth, he was getting a bit too reliant on me for sorting his problems out - and DH just felt it was pushing into our time together.

If you're in a good marriage, and your spouse says they're uncomfortable around something you're doing, then you listen and act accordingly. Saying well tough, like it or lump it - that's just not good enough.

I'm afraid I've been there, and i did end the marriage. In my case, it was two different women, ten years apart, but the second one just broke me.

When I started to fully process it, I realised that he wasn't a nice man, so much was wrong and he clearly had no respect for me.

If you have explained how you feel, and he continues to blame you for feeling that way, minimises your feelings, tells you that he can't change, tells you that you're lucky that he's not actually having an affair " like all the other men", and compares you to her in any way, then i really would get out. It will destroy your soul, otherwise.

“he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.”

“He seems to want me to be happy about the two of them and not to raise any worries about this and then all will be well.”

“it will be my fault if our marriage ends”

These 3 statements jumped out at me. He is plainly telling you that he has no intention of stopping his inappropriate friendship. He wants you to put up and shut up. He wants to keep the good little wifey at home and his exciting “friend” at work. He feels entitled to have both of you and it will be your fault for breaking up the marriage if you put your foot down.

Either he is an arrogant selfish twat….. or he is so deluded trying to convince himself that he is a good person, doesn’t want to feel guilt and so is spinning it around to make you the bad one in the situation.

"It’s like going slightly mad because I’m being told I’m in the wrong and therefore going to wreck everything. What I don’t get is that he is a really lovely caring person usually. And still often is to me."

That says a huge amount, by the way. Verbally abusive behaviour includes projection, gaslighting, blaming, crazy making. He may not be abusive most of the time, but anything that makes you feel like you're going slightly mad is a massive red flag. Believe you are right here!

If you have explained how you feel, and he continues to blame you for feeling that way, minimises your feelings, tells you that he can't change, tells you that you're lucky that he's not actually having an affair " like all the other men", and compares you to her in any way, then i really would get out. It will destroy your soul, otherwise

Yes, 100pc. This is almost word for word what our rows have been. It breaks my heart.
He’s been my best friend for over 17 years and now I think another woman is.
What baffles me is how he wouldn’t understand that this would be upsetting!!
I don’t know how to build up the strength to leave. I really don’t want to as most of the time things are happy. But things he has said hurt a lot and I really can’t forget and day by day it chips away.

Ah well, if she is just a pal like his male friends are, he won't mind introducting the two of you to each other then, will he? Tell him to ask her over for a meal, as you would like to meet her.

I don’t know if could do that if im being honest. I think how I felt would be very obvious and would probably make me look like the crazy wife and her the innocent kindly friend

To whom???

it will only be you three - try and trust yourself

it’s likely he won’t go for this anyway - then. You def have your answer

You are not in the wrong OP. Your husband is gaslighting you, making you think you're crazy. His priority is his relationship with another woman. That's completely unacceptable.

If I met a man with whom I had a special rapport with, and became super good friends with, and NOTHING more, I’d 100% introduce him to my husband. He’s met all of my very good friends. It would have happened by now. There’s a reason he hasn’t encouraged you to meet her.

Exactly how much time does he spend with her?