Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

[Whereismymind12]

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

@ginasevern i dont think you are watching too much tv 🤣🤣🤣

maybe its my industry but people are def crossing boundaries and / or shagging far more than i care for.
The work trips were the worst - some of it was so uncomfortable.

I can’t believe someone said because women are married they wouldn’t be interested in any of the men at work…oh come on!

work places are rife with affairs..

and workplaces like police and health care even more so

@ginasevern I wasn't talking about "creepy men" either. There are indeed plenty of those, but it may come as a surprise to you that not all affairs involve "the office creep".

There is no way for a man to become involved in an affair without doing something creepy to begin with, which is to show a romantic interest in people that he works with.

Which leads me to "First of all, the overwhelming majority of women in a workplace setting are either married, or in some kind of long term relationship, so they will not be interested in any of the men they work with." Again, this may come as a terrible shock to you, but affairs always involve married people.

It's very unusual for married women to be unfaithful to their partners.

Also, it would not be possible for someone to know whether or not it's appropriate to show an interest in a married woman.

None of this works, so I'm utterly confused at how you think any of this actually happens.

I had this. It’s total gaslighting and led him to date the person he then married in plain sight. It makes me feel sick even now.

i had never been a jealous person (still am not despite this) and welcomed him having female friends but I just knew this one was different. He also called her his best friend. Trust your gut and prepare to ask him to leave. I am so so sorry.

I can't decide if you're being naive or deliberately obtuse.

Make him leave. Why should you lose your home? He can go and stay with his “friend” .

Its so bizarre

I think at this point, I would write a note of some sort. The problem with these situations is that you end up going in circles and arguing the same point. A note allows you to get your point down concisely without him trying to twist your words and make you sound unreasonable

It’s a well worn and pathetic path that your H is currently on One trodden by many men who have found themselves having a midlife crush. It’s selfish and they become so torn between wanting to pursue the crush whilst maintaining their “decent man” persona that they literally start lying to themselves and turning on their partners. In other words, it turns them into Utterly self-absorbed pricks.

I would keep the note brief

Dear X

To be clear, Your friendship with Y has overstepped the boundary of what is reasonable in a committed marriage. I know this, and for all your bluster, I believe you know it too.

In the many years that we have been married, I don’t think I’ve proved myself to be particularly jealous or possessive and yet here we are. I have told you that the relationship makes me uncomfortable, and rather than taking a step back, You have delivered an ultimatum of ‘ ‘Accept it, or the marriage is over’. Unfortunately, that ultimatum speaks louder than perhaps any of your actions that have led to this

If that is truly how you feel, Then neither you nor I can kid ourselves that this woman is just your mate. You have a crush on her. Or something more. It’s certainly enough for you to put your marriage in jeopardy

It’s heartbreaking that it has come to this, but I am not going to play ‘ cool wife’ whilst you make a fool of me

Let me know how we should go forward.
Wife

Is the friend single? If not could you meet as a four and suss out the situation?

This is so very well put. Thank you. It’s scary to think of being on my own but I think at least I would start to regain my self respect. And stop being told what I feel is invalid

Oh yes, it’s certainly like that in my sector of financial services.

@Piknik your note was fine til that last line ‘let me know how we should go forward’
No! Why should @Whereismymind12 hand him that power? He’s not the boss of what happens next. If I was the op, I’d consult a solicitor and see what my options are. Then have that conversation, as calmly as possible, or write him that letter, but making sure he knew that I would not be playing second fiddle. If this ‘friend’ is so important - he can leave.
However, op hasn’t mentioned dc/housing/finances so things may not be entirely clear cut.

It's very unusual for married women to be unfaithful to their partners.

And you know this how?

Who do you think the men are having affairs with then?

This is perfectly put and would provide the OP with some control over the situation.

I think she is single. A mutual colleague has mentioned she may have recently split up with her longer partner but not completely sure about this.

I would not write him a note or a letter. Men are not interested in reading about their faults or what they have been perceived as doing wrong. It’s just fodder for him and his colleague to laugh at you behind your back as he will falsely portray you as being neurotic.

If you can’t speak directly to him, the relationship is dead.

He’s showed you his hand. He thinks more of her than he does of you.

I disagree. In my experience, the opportunity to state your case clearly, uninterrupted can sometimes be the best way to give someone a wake up call.

At the moment, they CAN'T have a rational conversation because the DH is lying to himself and living in a parallel existence where he can be the 'decent man' he has always been but also pursue a crush (or whatever it is). So all normal rules are out the window and he needs to given the cold, hard facts in a way he can't dispute.

posters on this thread are talking about this as if the husband and colleague are together. He may have an almighty crush and the colleague maybe non the wiser. I bet she’s younger and out of his league and just thinks he’s a mate.

@shapare She might think he is just a mate - but who cares? She isn't the one in a committed marriage to the OP. He is though, and he is prioritising his relationship - in whatever form - over his marriage. So much so, that he has issued an ultimatum.

adding to the upset and humiliation even more is that I’m aware she’s younger and looks quite like me, or me about 10 years ago.

OP don’t compare yourself, age isn’t something that anyone can help or do anything about. It’s pointless beating yourself up for something you can do nothing about: your age. If it helps at all my husband’s OW was seventeen years younger than me. I didn’t feel in the least bit humiliated by their behaviour, I had done nothing wrong and had upheld my vows and loved a respectable, honourable and dignified life. Humiliated by what they did? No. I felt disgusted by their behaviour. I actually pitied them both for being so awful and was glad I wasn’t them.
You can’t humiliate somebody who has done nothing to be ashamed of and has the self-respect and standards not to sink that low.
Hold your head high.
He is humiliating himself by disrespecting you and his marriage in a foolhardy selfish manner. This woman is humiliating herself by entering knowingly into a boundary- crossing relationship with a married man who has a family. They are both behaving shamefully.
You are not being humiliated, you are being betrayed by two grown adults who do know better, but have no standards.
There is nothing humiliating about standing firm with your loyalty, strength and dignity in the face of their shoddy conduct.
It’s impossible to humiliate a woman like you who has done nothing wrong and remained honest, faithful and steadfast. Impossible.

I'm so sorry OP, I really feel your heartache as I'm in a very similar position myself.

My DH has become friends with a female colleague, they spend a lot of time together, I'm insanely jealous (of the time and his attention) and he knows that I'm unhappy about the situation. But he insists it's "just a friendship", there's no reason for me to feel jealous and he carries on seeing her.

Do I try to believe him? Do I just accept that in this instance he prioritises this friendship and his feelings over mine?

I don't want to dictate who he can be friends with, but this friendship - because she is an intelligent, younger female? - has upset me so much. And it continues because it's purely platonic, apparently. And I continue to feel upset every time he sees her.

My DH hasn't given me an ultimatum, nor I him. But as your husband has forced a choice upon you, I wonder if he isn't aware of exactly how damaging his friendship is to your marriage. I like the idea of putting things in writing, as another poster suggested.

I'm afraid of being made to choose or of asking my husband to choose - I'm not prepared to possibly break up our marriage. Call that a lack of self-esteem, fear of being alone, preference for being in a stable-ish, mostly-happy-ish relationship, I dont know.

All strength and best of luck to you OP.

I had this feeling about my husband's colleague, who he became close friends with. They were texting all day long. I said how much it was bothering me and after a few arguments, he massively scaled it down, to a point I was much more comfortable with - it's been several years now and it's remained scaled down, because he decided our marriage was more important than his friendship. If your husband is saying he would rather you left than he end the friendship, you already know everything you need to know.

@EugenieGrandet you are braver than you think. It takes guts to admit here that you daren’t rock the boat for fear of losing your marriage.
However, whilst the outside of your marriage and the smile on your face look shiny and whole, you will eat yourself alive from the inside out with this scenario until there’s a shell of you left.
That shell is exactly what he needs: a hollowed-out, brittle, scared version of the happy and assertive woman you want and need to be.
Why does he need that version of you? Because that version of you will let him cut himself a big slice of cake every day and eat it right in front of you.
You don’t necessarily have to end or leave your marriage, but you do need to have a voice in it and be able to state your objections and needs.
He won’t like it when you finally enforce a much-needed boundary, but you’ll find out what he really wants if you do and if you are afraid that it’s her, by avoiding the question, all you are doing is allowing their friendship to blossom unchallenged, until it goes far too far (if it hasn’t already) and your marriage will end in the future because of it one way or another anyway.
Life’s too short to accept crumbs from anyone, please ask yourself if you really can go on for years like this. Your mental health is precious and you don’t realise how this will erode it bit by tiny bit until you don’t know who you really are any more and their connection has been allowed to strengthen.
I’m not saying get divorced or end your marriage, of course not, but you are sacrificing far more happiness by enduring this than by challenging him and getting out of life and your marriage what you really need and deserve.