Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

[Whereismymind12]

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

This 100% spot on

Sending more love and hugs op . I really know how you feel but please please stop devaluing you xx its all him. He's prioritising another woman over your feelings and has no respect. Don't go down that hole i did and let it break you. There is nothing wrong with you. Keep strong. I know its not easy.

The wookiemustgo is spot on also she has been very helpful on several posts. The DARVO thing is real and is what's happening here and did in my situation. A lot of posters have offered fab advice please take it on board xx

You don't have to make any quick decisions just have a read of the 180 method (this has helped me and is a really good mention by above reply) and get your finances in check and keep tabs on it all. ✨️😘😘

“They” aren’t causing any “damage”

Your husband is causing the damage

sadly I don’t get the impression you have any intention of leaving.

been asked lots but no answer forthcoming

My partner and I both have close friends of the opposite sex, some of whom are from our work. Of course we have them round for bbqs, dinner parties, birthdays etc. all the time. That's how real friendships are. If you can't meet her, that's weird from both sides. Reading your comments what strikes me is the lack of respect on his side. I've never worried about my partners friendships, but have no doubt that if I did they'd be OVER.

I say this with kindness on your last point: the OP has to work to her own timeline here, we are here to support her with whatever the next steps are for her, and whatever that timeline is.x

Yes you are right

however my impression is that the OP has convinced herself that she is happily married and is proud of the many years she’s been married.

And she won’t want that image to the outside world to change let alone admit it to herself

in her shoes I’d play him at his own game and start inviting her around, but every time that’s been suggested by others - no response

People do need time. There is no urgency. It's a lot to think about and a lot to process.

The only thing I would say is that it isn't going to go away.

It's a bit like having a health worry and putting off going to the GP because you're scared that it's going to be really bad news. So you put it off and put it off but of course, you don't stop worrying about it. In fact your worry grows.

Until it's properly addressed it will always be there. It will tarnish everything. There's no getting away from that.

There is no urgency.

That is your view

mine is… one crack at life and this kind of day in and day out family life, bloody awful to spend it!

I talked to him last night. I asked him about meeting her. He said if I want, but probably not a good idea because of my feelings about her.

I don’t really know how often, part of me doesn’t want to know. I know this sounds pathetic but I have lost any sense of fight at the moment. It will come back back right now I feel very alone in a marriage I thought was solid. All I know is he is on his phone and games console a lot.

But even if you meet her and feel she is not chasing your husband/is perfectly nice you still have the lack of affection and intimacy to deal with. Have you talked to him about that? We could all be wrong but it does seem
he has intense feelings for her that are impinging on his relationship with you in multiple ways.

His response is odd, surely if he cared about your feelings he’d be all for it, happy to facilitate, saying he hopes you’ll like her. But this gentle well you can but probably not worth it strikes me as minimising at best and again choosing not to hear your unhappiness. Sorry OP this is so rough.

I don’t believe that’s the reason he thinks it’s not a good idea.

I also don’t know why you’d put yourself through it in the circs.

my mate says she’d be so tempted to turn up at their office one day when he is working late and report back

I don't think that meeting her would help anyway. The problem is his overall attitude - lack of respect towards you and failing to put you first.

His only correct response would be to say to you:

" I am sorry that I haven't considered your feelings, genuinely didn't realise how much this was upsetting you, my mistake, I'll cut back on all contact other than what is necessary for work, and I'm sorry I didn't listen earlier."

Can you find yourself a therapist to talk to in person? We can help, your friends can help, but this is a rough journey and a support team around you will be of great help.

Call his bluff

Invite her over for dinner

Look op…. Can you really not see how your marriage is rotten to its core? Irrespective of whether this is all as innocent and pure as the driven snow. It’s dead in the water

Why rotten to the core?

Oh OP, where to start.

read your own posts.

it’s rotten

There are times when it is good, lots of times but he says that I would stop acting as though she is a threat then we’d be good again. He insists it’s nothing to worry about. Maybe it isn’t. When I think of ending the marriage I really worry that I’m overreacting and am going to up end my family’s world because I’m just obsessed and jealous (his words).
in many ways he is a good husband
my head is just so full of it I can’t think straight

Your mate doesn’t seem to trust him as far as she can throw him

op… it’s your life, but from what you have described you can see the overwhelming vast majority of us think that you are very sorely mistaken in thinking this is a wonderful man and you are happily married

Well he obviously has no intention of ending his relationship with this OW. He has told you already he would rather you left than he lost her.

So I don't understand what you are hoping to gain by putting yourself through this OP.

I can't get over the fact he spends his time gaming with his girlfriend like a teenager while you, his wife, just sit there hoping he will remember he is a married man.You are the third wheel in their relationship.

He has shown you he doesn't care about how unhappy you are. He doesn't care about your mental health.

Have you taken legal advice re divorce. Because at the moment you are in stalemate. He won't give her up. There is no incentive for him to give her up.

For your own mental health, future happiness and self respect you need to act.

Hey op this is a shit situation to be in you could look at it from this view say dh I would like to meet her because i don’t like that she’s taking up so much headspace and it’s not that I hate her I hate that she’s your closest friend before me and I’m lonely and it’s not her fault is it?. It’s basically his fault tbh if he says no go to plan b turn up at work or thirdly sit in the room whilst he is gaming with her and talk across to him mid conversation so she knows your there. Good luck if you have no fight then park it get xmas over then look again but keep talking.

Seriously? Oh he's really done a number on you 😞

This confusion is normal. It's part of the pattern, and the reason why people don't leave abusive relationships sooner. You have been conditioned to accept behaviour that is unacceptable.

Seriously, when I ended my marriage, I read back through 12 years of posts I had made on mumsnet. Where posters were telling me that my ex husband's behaviour was unacceptable, that he did not respect me, and I should leave.

12 years, where he just dragged me down, destroyed my confidence, made me question my gut feeling on stuff.

It started where you are now.

Trust us, we recognise this, because so many of us have been through it. We don't want you to end up a shell of yourself.