Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

[Whereismymind12]

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

He is being cruel to you. And he said you matter less than the friendship with a colleague. Divorce. You deserve better. Start searching a divorce lawyer.

If you think its worth fighting for the relationship, a couples therapy. I partocularly, would be very resentful at this point but you know your relationship

Why should she put herself in that position? It'll be those two against her - that would be incredibly uncomfortable for her. She knows he and she would discuss it before and after, and probably if she went to the bathroom, too.

OP I don't think he's left you any choice, I'm afraid. You need to keep your dignity so tell him it's over because of his relationship with another woman, and tell other people that, too. Take ownership of it; don't protect him and his secret life.

I'm so sorry. I've been there and it's awful.

I think you are proud of the length of your marriage and you have utterly convinced yourself that it’s a happy and successful one.

It isn’t Op. it really really isn’t.

Well hopefully it would be in her own home..

she would really know if husband was doing that with “friend” and not her

if it feels off OP it usually is

OP - as a pp mentioned, there is another long thread from someone in a similar situation - might be worth reading

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

I'd tell him was over after getting myself organised and working out my financial situation and taking legal advice. I wouldn't demean myself by demanding to meet her. I would loathe her because in all likelihood she is perfectly well aware that she is having an inappropriate friendship with OP's lying husband. I am not interested in spending time with somebody like that. Of course, that means I probably wouldn't be interested in continuing with the marriage either.

You should get over the idea that he is kind and your best friend because he is neither. Expect him to continue to behave very badly in ways you never thought he would. And remember the so-called interesting, fun, and captivating workmate is a woman reduced to a wholly dodgy relationship with a married man. If she was that captivating she could find somebody single.

Even if this friendship were perfectly innocent and wholly platonic, very few people would be prepared to make their spouse this unhappy over a work friendship and risk their marriage. Only a besotted mean would tell their spouse that if the spouse didn’t like their friendship then she could leave because it wasn’t going to change. You are not being paranoid or unreasonable.

I bet she doesn’t look like a troll and close to retirement age.
How would he feels if you had a good looking male ‘friend’
You deserve better.

You could play into it.

Hello Sandra, so glad you could join us, it'll be fabulous to get to know you and see just what it is that keeps Fred so enthralled in you. I'm absolutely convinced that Fred in love with you, but apparently i'm being ridiculous and youre just like Dave down the pub. Its all platonic and i'm imagining it all. Anyway, pass the sprouts Fred.

I agree with other posters, hes being avoidance, lacking the gumption to admit, making it all your fault. Your marriage is over. Unless you match his energy, stay in the house and marriage and make him the outsider.

I would dump him. I absolutely would not put up with a relationship where someone made me feel insecure like that.
I would have when I was young, and I 100% would not anymore. Fuck those mind games

Im so sorry you're dealing with this op. A few bits od advice from someone who has been there (my dh had an affair with a colleague which started as an emotional affair - which is what you describe).
You can't do or say anything to make him change what he's doing. You can only change what you do. My best advice is to place hard boundaries without getting emotional. This might mean saying I love you, but I won't live like this, you need to leave.
He will not make any decisions whilst you are still available to him, he won't imagine the reality of losing you and all that goes with that until you show him.
Living in limbo will break you - living without him will be hard but not as hard as that.
Don't give him reason to compare you unfavourably to his 'friend'. By virtue of the situation she is all care and fun and you are day to day reality and complaint. I don't mean you should try to compete with her. Just be totally neutral and focus on making yourself happy. Stop doing things for him and do things for yourself. See your friends, invest time in yourself, cook the meals you like and don't give him the power to influence how you feel and how your day goes.
A new relationship of any kind cannot be compared to a long term committed relationship. You are as brilliant as you always were, don't compare yourself. This is all him and not at all you.

But there’s a bigger issue with the mindset you’re describing.
The idea that a partner should just accept it or leave isn’t strength or independence, but emotional immaturity. Relationships require communication, compromise, and respect, not ultimatums.

Nobody is saying people can’t have friends. But dismissing your partner’s feelings, refusing to talk, and prioritising someone else over the marriage is not healthy. A mindset that refuses to consider a partner’s discomfort or boundaries isn’t really compatible with a long-term, loving relationship.

Your approach ignores the actual issue in OP’s situation. This isn’t about a partner dictating who someone can be friends with. OP isn’t trying to control harmless friendships. Her husband hid the amount of contact, crossed boundaries, then told her she can leave rather than even acknowledge her feelings.

Friendships of any gender can be completely healthy, but only when both partners are being transparent and respectful. OP’s husband isn’t doing that. He’s choosing this colleague’s place in his life over his wife’s emotional wellbeing.

OP told us she works in the same industry but not for the same company as her H and his OW.
Which is why she is very aware that he is not being truthful to her.

The above person who posted is right. You will never be happy always thinking is he with her if he goes out alone. Or is late home no way to live your life. It’s exciting meeting someone new the thrill but that doesn’t last forever. Don’t leave your home ask him to leave be brave it’s better to be on your own than living with his lies. It will be miserable for you. You will have the freedom to start your life over this is all about him don’t let him make it about you.

I was coming to say this.

I wonder how he'd react if you were doing the same thing?

He doesn't want to be told what to do, that's for sure. But, he's fine letting his marriage end over this. Even if its not an affair, he's enjoying the female attention she gives him. His ego's being stroked.

That sounds suspiciously as though you are blaming OP for the predicament she is in and the conflict she is feeling.

It is highly unlikely you would have to do that. If you tell him that you'd really like to meet this close friend of his, then the chances are that it will send him into a blind panic and he'll make every excuse under the sun to explain why any kind of meeting between you and her is completely out of the question.

Ask him for her phone number so you can ring her up and ask her round for drinks before Christmas.

Make him squirm.

Honestly, I would do this. Brazen it out, watch them to see if they are uncomfortable being around you

Hi OP. I'm sorry you are facing this. FWIW this is my view -

I believe that people should try and give their best to their partner, not others, and if others get in the way, end that association or at least curtail it to make the partner comfortable.

He is saying he won't do that, he won't put you first. Therefore I would tell him that his behaviour is no longer good enough for your relationship standard and as such, the relationship is over. It is not controlling in your part to feel threatened by his feelings for another woman; it is normal. He is your person, not hers.

Someone else said, then ask him to leave. You will see where he goes. He can do one of two things - go somewhere, think it over, realise what he has risked then come back and change that work friendship. OR he would think, 'right, I am free now' and go to her. You will then know what his true feelings were, and so will he.

Once he is with her, facing divorce, everyone knowing etc, he might realise what he has done and it all goes wrong for him, or he could stay with her and change the narrative to 'my marriage was good but it has come to a natural end.' In this case, you will be glad you bit the bullet and it will be better for you for it not being drawn out.

It is a terrible shame tho and you must feel so sad and disappointed. Either way he is being unkind and mean and his behaviour IS detrimental to your marriage, whether he accepts that or not. I would call it, right now, and give him his head and see where he goes.

.

Agree completely

your spouse should be your number one fan

but they need to commit to that..

I’m so sorry OP this is completely unacceptable.

It’s hard to know whether he’s brazenly deceiving or completely in denial.

Either way, your response to: According to him I am completely wrong and it will be my fault if our marriage ends is to repeat ad nauseam that he is the one in the wrong, and he’s trying to have his cake and eat it.

I have been here, in fact the colleague was also my ‘friend’. She would message him when drunk, sent pictures in the night then deleted them so he couldn’t see what they were in the morning. Always said it was platonic and for a long time I believed it.

early this year he lost that job, went into a bit of a crisis and left me too. Said ‘friend’ hasn’t spoken to me since and ignored me when they saw me out.. guilty or what. He’s adamant nothing happened apart from ‘she did flirt maybe, but I never saw it that way’ .. I’ve since heard a lot of things since, that others thought that something was going on.

anyway, my point being.. I was made out to be the crazy one, had my feelings minimised and he promised he would put a stop to it but never did. Him doing something about it was doing ‘nothing’ apparently. I don’t know if I’ll ever get answers. But he chose her feelings over mine. When this other stuff came out I felt a sense of relief that I wasn’t the crazy one, it still hurt of course.

My gut wasn’t wrong, I hope in your case it is because it destroyed me.

You shouldn’t be the one who is leaving, he should be.
Is she married and does she have DC’s?
Do you have DC’s together?