Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

[Whereismymind12]

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

Incredibly sad, a story which has played out a million times for many a loyal loving wife.

It doesn't sound like he's got the sense to realise what he's got and the truth is you are dealing with so many what if's.
Does he love her, does he want to be with her, does he want a new life, willingly not just because you are forced into ending your union.
The difficulty is many wives know these infatuations can burn out, and ending a good marriage for a man's temporary madness can seem foohardy, but whatever the course, your marriage as you knew it has already ended, he has destroyed the trust and the safeness of your union.

You don't need to make rushed decisions for him, take your time and assess his behaviour, your head and heart will guide your decisions and only you will know how much you can take before severing the chord on the relationship.

I would say though, do not allow him to turn this around on you, he is the one who has ended your marriage, no woman wants this kind of ultimatum, being forced to share a husband, he should be the one to leave.

Take support from others this friendship of his needs a light shining on it, allow him to feel shame, their friendship needs to be judged.

I'm so sorry. So many men don't know what they have until it's gone. Very long term marriages are hard and the spark dies. She isn't better than you, she's just not you, she's different and new. You can't make him do anything and pushing it is just making it worse. Invest in yourself. Forget them. He wants to spend his energy on her? Fine. Find hobbies activities and friends outside your marriage and start spending all your energy on them not him. See how he responds. He takes you for granted.

I agree. And he's about to lose everything, for nothing. But these sort of limerences show the weakness up in a marriage they don't come out of nowhere. There is something wrong in the marriage.

Christ those who are saying affairs don’t happen at work clearly haven’t worked in my industry … it’s rife!

Or DDs … cabin crew 🤣

OP you deserve so much better.

So have you decided to do anything OP?

Presumably you’re still sharing a bed with him (last night?), eating with him? Talking either him? Going about life with him?

and yet this is hanging over you the entire time.

This is no way to live. You are not happily married. Once you let go of this image op, you will be so much more free to make decisions.

My husband did similiar and then said ‘ well it will be your fault if we divorce’. Many years down the line I now know how manipulative and cowardly that was . I would get my ducks in a row ( get evidence of all your joint finances pensions etc ) then ask her . You deserve respect but may have to fight for it here . Also that woman knows it’s likely wrong but they have both excused their behaviours to meet their own selfish need

Please say he’s now your ex @cleo333

I’m not sure of this has been recommended but I would get a copy of NOT ‘just friends’ by Shirley glass, it will help you sum up your feelings about this relationship and give you the language you need when you talk to your husband. Surviving infidelity has a 180 approach involving getting some emotional distance to help you see clearly and I’d also recommend that so google that. I’m really sorry this happened to you! And please don’t compare yourself to the new shiny toy! You are fabulous and he’s going to get a dreadful shock at some point! Bloody stupid men!

Or arguing for the sake of arguing.

Definitely the latter!

She doesn’t have any dc either so she would have nothing to lose which makes it easy for her to ingratiate herself with my dh. Makes me even more worried about her motives.
Dh and me talked last night and he still holds the line that it’s platonic, I’m wrong and if I continue to up-end our relationship over this it’s hard to know where we go from here. She must mean so much to him but he insists he wants us to be happy.

His behaviour makes me think of the DH in this thread, OP 😔
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends

He is gaslighting you, @Whereismymind12 . He's sidelined your entirely valid concerns and to echo what I said previously, he is pushing you to end the marriage so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy. Have you got trusted friends you can talk to? Would you consider therapy? Being in this situation is crazy-making.

He might genuinely believe that it is platonic which is why he is so defensive. But these things usually develop when there is emotional closeness, and it’s taking that away from you.
There is nothing wrong with having opposite sex friendships but in this case it’s too much. If he wants connections like that he needs to be single.

So for the time being you are sharing a bed with him, eating together, basically cracking on as “normal”?

How often do they socialise together?

Why don’t you play him at his own game.

”seeing as she’s so important to you, I’d love to get to know her better. Let’s invite her over for dinner this weekend”

@Whereismymind12 so nice that he’s blaming YOU for ‘up-ending’ your relationship. You’ve made an observation that this particular friendship is making you very anxious, and his response is that if you don’t like it - you can leave. No consideration for your feelings or life together. And he’s still putting the blame on you.
So sorry op, but I’d be getting the ducks ready, and making the solicitor’s appointment.

Is it possible (don't shoot me down) that he said this because he doesn't want to be told who to be friends with?

🤦🏻‍♀️

It's more likely to be him that's doing the sniffing not her tbh.

@Whereismymind12 he’s the one “upending your relationship over this”, not you.

What will you do whereismymind12?

@DeepRubySwan
”And he's about to lose everything, for nothing. But these sort of limerences show the weakness up in a marriage they don't come out of nowhere. There is something wrong in the marriage.”
I disagree. You’d be amazed how many people living happy day to day lives with their spouses, everything seeming normal and happy, are totally blindsided to discover that ‘not my Nigel’ is having an affair. They were happy, Nigel wasn’t unhappy or was doing an Oscar -winning performance at looking like he wasn’t. Nigel just found that a ten years younger woman coming on to him made him feel like a teenager again and to avoid guilt re-wrote history, decided that he was actually not happy, he was in a dead end marriage and deserved a bit of fun.
A happy marriage is no guarantee that those within it will remain faithful. You can’t affair-proof a marriage, you can only affair-proof yourself.
These sort of limerances show the weakness up in a person, not a spouse or marriage. There is something wrong with the person, not the marriage. Too easy to blame the wife and the marriage in situations like these.
It is naive to think that limerances, crushes and affairs only happen in unhappy marriages. They don’t. Most people who have affairs don’t want to lose their spouse or the marriage and run back there if allowed to when the shit hits the fan, they weren’t unhappy, they were weak, selfish and lacked discipline when tempted.
“I was unhappy” is an excuse, it’s not a cause. The cause of infidelity is that somebody chooses to be unfaithful. If I’m unhappy I don’t automatically feel the need to flirt with and pursue somebody else who shows me a bit of attention. I could choose to do that to make myself feel better, of course, but I put my integrity, vows and husband first and sort my issues out honestly.
I choose to be faithful.
Affairs and illicit relationships happen when someone who is unhappy in themselves , or just bored, or lacks self esteem , for whatever reason, also lacks the integrity, courage and skills to address their issues, lacks the integrity to be honest and authentic, then selfishly chooses to pursue ego-stroking and flattery to make themselves feel better at everyone else’s expense.
To say it’s impossible to find someone else attractive or be flattered by attention because all is well at home is simply not true.
Weak, selfish people cause infidelity.
OP and the marriage have done nothing to cause his choices, nobody forced him, he chose them.
They are not to blame. He is.

Perfectly put @Thewookiemustgo

@Whereismymind12 don’t worry about her motives, the only person’s motives to be concerned about are his, not hers. Her low standards are not your concern.
Nothing can happen, no matter what she says or does or wants to happen, unless he chooses to let it.