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Original poster

Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

322 replies

Whereismymind12 · 23/11/2025 12:25

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

OP posts:
PInkyStarfish · 23/11/2025 16:48

He has been having his cake and eating it.

If his feelings for this woman were innocent and platonic he would not give you the ultimatum of if you don’t like it then leave!

He wants to hold on to her more than you and is fully prepared to let you go.

If you want the hard hitting truth to make you wake up and realise your marriage is over then picture You, him and the other woman in shark infested waters and a lifeboat that only holds two, he’s going to save himself and pull her onboard whilst you perish in the sea.

Misspost · 23/11/2025 16:52

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 23/11/2025 15:42

Im so sorry you're dealing with this op. A few bits od advice from someone who has been there (my dh had an affair with a colleague which started as an emotional affair - which is what you describe).
You can't do or say anything to make him change what he's doing. You can only change what you do. My best advice is to place hard boundaries without getting emotional. This might mean saying I love you, but I won't live like this, you need to leave.
He will not make any decisions whilst you are still available to him, he won't imagine the reality of losing you and all that goes with that until you show him.
Living in limbo will break you - living without him will be hard but not as hard as that.
Don't give him reason to compare you unfavourably to his 'friend'. By virtue of the situation she is all care and fun and you are day to day reality and complaint. I don't mean you should try to compete with her. Just be totally neutral and focus on making yourself happy. Stop doing things for him and do things for yourself. See your friends, invest time in yourself, cook the meals you like and don't give him the power to influence how you feel and how your day goes.
A new relationship of any kind cannot be compared to a long term committed relationship. You are as brilliant as you always were, don't compare yourself. This is all him and not at all you.

Excellent advice!

Minnie798 · 23/11/2025 17:00

WallaceinAnderland · 23/11/2025 14:27

You asked him to choose. He chose her.

It's his decision to end your relationship, not yours.

I think he's bluffing.

I would tell him that you've thought long and hard about his ultimatum and it's clear that he values his relationship with her more than his relationship with you so you agree with him that there is no option but to separate.

Then see what he says. He'll either be relieved or he'll backtrack. Either way you'll know.

This. And avoid saying anything more that would suggest your playing the 'pick me' dance. If he's choosing her, that's fine . Off you pop mate.

Patchedupsocks · 23/11/2025 17:28

If she's his age or older with nose hairs and size 13 feet I think I'd possibly be okay with it but I guess she's younger and possibly a bit flirty with him and the soft idiot is like a puppy bounding around her.
Why is it these 'friends' are never the face like a bus has hit it types?
From what he is saying OP, I think your marriage is over, he's sniffing out a new lamp post if he hasn't already peed over this one.

SchrodingersParrot · 23/11/2025 17:31

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

How would your husband feel if the situation was reversed, and you were the one who had a close friend of the opposite sex and refused to give him up?

ginasevern · 23/11/2025 17:35

@Whereismymind12 "What baffles me is how he wouldn’t understand that this would be upsetting!!"

  1. He understands perfectly well
  2. He doesn't fucking care

This is affair territory OP. He's told you to pack your bags if you don't like it. He's trying to get rid of you, not understand you.

strange25 · 23/11/2025 17:36

I asked my ex how they’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot and people are right, they don’t care or would say it wouldn’t bother them!

shuggles · 23/11/2025 17:40

@Whereismymind12 You haven't presented any evidence that your husband and his colleague are in a relationship.

Speaking from experience, it is extremely unusual for random women in the workplace to suddenly decide that they have a romantic interest in a man they work with. I've worked with hundreds of different people but I don't think I have ever seen this.

BellesAndGraces · 23/11/2025 17:50

Whereismymind12 · 23/11/2025 13:41

If you have explained how you feel, and he continues to blame you for feeling that way, minimises your feelings, tells you that he can't change, tells you that you're lucky that he's not actually having an affair " like all the other men", and compares you to her in any way, then i really would get out. It will destroy your soul, otherwise

Yes, 100pc. This is almost word for word what our rows have been. It breaks my heart.
He’s been my best friend for over 17 years and now I think another woman is.
What baffles me is how he wouldn’t understand that this would be upsetting!!
I don’t know how to build up the strength to leave. I really don’t want to as most of the time things are happy. But things he has said hurt a lot and I really can’t forget and day by day it chips away.

What baffles me is how he wouldn’t understand that this would be upsetting!!

He either understands and doesn’t care or refuses to understand because it would mean accepting that he has feelings for this other woman. I imagine the latter is very hard for a “nice guy” like your your husband to understand.

Deep down you know that your marriage is over. If it sounds like an affair and smells like an affair, in 99% of cases it is an affair.

When (and I hope it’s a “when”) you leave him, tell everyone the real reason. When he later claims that he only started seeing her after you left him everyone will know the truth.

ginasevern · 23/11/2025 17:50

shuggles · 23/11/2025 17:40

@Whereismymind12 You haven't presented any evidence that your husband and his colleague are in a relationship.

Speaking from experience, it is extremely unusual for random women in the workplace to suddenly decide that they have a romantic interest in a man they work with. I've worked with hundreds of different people but I don't think I have ever seen this.

Blimey, I'm in my 60's and have worked in offices (in all sorts of sectors) most of my life. I've rarely worked in one where there wasn't some kind of affair, or at least pretty close the the knuckle flirting going on. You probably spend more time with work colleagues than you do with your family (unless you WFH), so it's hardly surprising. It's even more common if the sector is specialised as you've already got a lot in common.

lolly427 · 23/11/2025 17:59

Choose one of the older males he works with, ask him if he had a really good friendship with that man would he say the same? Would he say ever say that friendship was so important that you should leave if you didn't like it?

No of course he wouldn't, so why is he with this 'friendship'?

ThatCyanCat · 23/11/2025 18:04

Well if he'd rather lose you than her then that alone is issue enough.

MrsPrendergast · 23/11/2025 18:14

If you really don't want the marriage to end, then I think you should invite her over for lunch with both of you. One last try to get to the bottom of it

Should DH refuse to let this happen, then you have your answer

Should she come over for lunch you will be able to work out what's going on. You could even ask her

Unforgettablefire · 23/11/2025 18:16

Branleuse · 23/11/2025 15:36

I would dump him. I absolutely would not put up with a relationship where someone made me feel insecure like that.
I would have when I was young, and I 100% would not anymore. Fuck those mind games

This.
Been there myself and it destroys you op I’m sorry you’re going through this it’s so hurtful.
Maybe it’s all innocent on the woman’s part but at the same time she must know he’s a married man, she must be wondering how his wife feels about it all. You’d think she’d want to meet you if it was innocent.
Follow your gut, a woman’s instincts are rarely wrong in these situations, and if you do split up and he hasn’t got intentions towards her it might be the kick up the backside he needs to realise what he’s lost and his wife means more to him than his “friend”

NeverOneBiscuit · 23/11/2025 18:16

He’s the cat with the cream. To him you’re a spoilsport. You’re supposed to keep the home fires burning whilst he has his ego massaged and flirts over the photocopier.

He’s made his choice, make yours. Choose a life where the man who’s supposed to cherish you isn’t lying and making you feel like you’re crazy.

Take control, tell him to leave, and they can run off into their imaginary sunset together. I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you.

shuggles · 23/11/2025 18:16

@ginasevern Blimey, I'm in my 60's and have worked in offices (in all sorts of sectors) most of my life. I've rarely worked in one where there wasn't some kind of affair, or at least pretty close the the knuckle flirting going on.

I think you've been watching too much TV.

First of all, the overwhelming majority of women in a workplace setting are either married, or in some kind of long term relationship, so they will not be interested in any of the men they work with.

Second, it would not be socially acceptable to "flirt" with colleagues, and any man who tried that would quickly become known as "that creepy guy" among the women in the workplace. As far as I'm aware, women commonly warn each other about the "creepy" men in workplaces and to avoid them.

It's even more common if the sector is specialised as you've already got a lot in common

In the overwhelming majority of cases, husbands and wives are not employed in the same sector.

Minnie798 · 23/11/2025 18:21

ginasevern · 23/11/2025 17:50

Blimey, I'm in my 60's and have worked in offices (in all sorts of sectors) most of my life. I've rarely worked in one where there wasn't some kind of affair, or at least pretty close the the knuckle flirting going on. You probably spend more time with work colleagues than you do with your family (unless you WFH), so it's hardly surprising. It's even more common if the sector is specialised as you've already got a lot in common.

Show quote history

Affairs are rife in health care that's for sure.

girdlehurdle · 23/11/2025 18:22

I would lay it on the line to him, now the argument has passed and say the other night, you told me that if I don’t like your friendship I can leave. I would say I’ve thought about this and I cannot stay in a marriage with someone who would put a friendship with a work colleague before their relationship with their wife. If he still wishes to prioritise a friendship over his marriage, then he can leave

girdlehurdle · 23/11/2025 18:24

Also, assume you didn’t have any issues in the marriage before this friendship developed so that speaks volumes.

IsawwhatIsaw · 23/11/2025 18:25

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 23/11/2025 15:42

Im so sorry you're dealing with this op. A few bits od advice from someone who has been there (my dh had an affair with a colleague which started as an emotional affair - which is what you describe).
You can't do or say anything to make him change what he's doing. You can only change what you do. My best advice is to place hard boundaries without getting emotional. This might mean saying I love you, but I won't live like this, you need to leave.
He will not make any decisions whilst you are still available to him, he won't imagine the reality of losing you and all that goes with that until you show him.
Living in limbo will break you - living without him will be hard but not as hard as that.
Don't give him reason to compare you unfavourably to his 'friend'. By virtue of the situation she is all care and fun and you are day to day reality and complaint. I don't mean you should try to compete with her. Just be totally neutral and focus on making yourself happy. Stop doing things for him and do things for yourself. See your friends, invest time in yourself, cook the meals you like and don't give him the power to influence how you feel and how your day goes.
A new relationship of any kind cannot be compared to a long term committed relationship. You are as brilliant as you always were, don't compare yourself. This is all him and not at all you.

This is very good advice

Notsurewhatisnormalanymore · 23/11/2025 18:25

This is even worse than just leaving you for someone else! He wants you to end it so he can tell everyone that and feel better about himself. Piece of shit, bet she doesn’t even want him once she can have him. He will never treat you right! Get out while you can.

I’m sorry, this isn’t a reflection of you btw. You might feel too fat or too skinny or not funny or sexy enough blah blah blah (as we all do) but he is a shit bag that doesn’t have to see her when she’s hungover or sick or without make up or when life is hard, he sees the best of her and that’s not real life. One day you’ll see that he couldn’t make it work with her or anyone because he’s weak and pathetic? You deserve better x

ginasevern · 23/11/2025 18:38

shuggles · 23/11/2025 18:16

@ginasevern Blimey, I'm in my 60's and have worked in offices (in all sorts of sectors) most of my life. I've rarely worked in one where there wasn't some kind of affair, or at least pretty close the the knuckle flirting going on.

I think you've been watching too much TV.

First of all, the overwhelming majority of women in a workplace setting are either married, or in some kind of long term relationship, so they will not be interested in any of the men they work with.

Second, it would not be socially acceptable to "flirt" with colleagues, and any man who tried that would quickly become known as "that creepy guy" among the women in the workplace. As far as I'm aware, women commonly warn each other about the "creepy" men in workplaces and to avoid them.

It's even more common if the sector is specialised as you've already got a lot in common

In the overwhelming majority of cases, husbands and wives are not employed in the same sector.

Edited

I've clearly said this was my personal experience, so your comment about watching too much TV is obviously designed to be offensive. I don't see how you can possibly invalidate someone else's experience with such a puerile comment. I wasn't talking about "creepy men" either. There are indeed plenty of those, but it may come as a surprise to you that not all affairs involve "the office creep".

As for your comment "In the overwhelming majority of cases, husbands and wives are not employed in the same sector." You have clearly misunderstood. I was saying that extra marital affairs are more likely to occur in specialised sectors, as the protagonists already have much in common.

Which leads me to "First of all, the overwhelming majority of women in a workplace setting are either married, or in some kind of long term relationship, so they will not be interested in any of the men they work with." Again, this may come as a terrible shock to you, but affairs always involve married people. That's why they're called affairs. Have you been labouring under the illusion that married people or those in long term relationships never stray? Statistics and common sense would dictate otherwise.

You sound as though you've been doing the opposite of watching too much
TV and actually live in a rather uninformed and weird bubble.

ginasevern · 23/11/2025 18:39

Minnie798 · 23/11/2025 18:21

Affairs are rife in health care that's for sure.

Show quote history

I believe it!

PInkyStarfish · 23/11/2025 19:07

shuggles · 23/11/2025 17:40

@Whereismymind12 You haven't presented any evidence that your husband and his colleague are in a relationship.

Speaking from experience, it is extremely unusual for random women in the workplace to suddenly decide that they have a romantic interest in a man they work with. I've worked with hundreds of different people but I don't think I have ever seen this.

My husband is a banker. I’ve seen many women drop their self respect and throw themselves at him or any other man in with wealth or in an influential position in the workplace.

shuggles · 23/11/2025 19:13

PInkyStarfish · 23/11/2025 19:07

My husband is a banker. I’ve seen many women drop their self respect and throw themselves at him or any other man in with wealth or in an influential position in the workplace.

Show quote history

Just because a woman is being friendly does not mean she is romantically interested.