I'm not sure that I want to grow old with DH

[onthelandtheseathesky]

I feel so, so bad writing this, but it's nagging away at me and I need advice from anyone who's ever been through the same.

DH is a kind and loving man. We've been together for 15 years. No kids together but he has been a brilliant stepdad to my now-adult ds (from my first marriage). Our relationship is generally pretty good, we have things in common, we can laugh together, etc. It's not 'bad' by any stretch of the imagination. There's absolutely no abuse of any sort. I know he loves me to bits.

But, god, I think about leaving all the time. I just want to be on my own, in my own space, with absolutely no questions or expectations of me. I'm so completely sick and tired of all the tiny daily compromises and adjustments and irritations of married life. Like the dirty cups left by the dishwasher, not put in it, or the clothes dumped on top of the washbasket. The constant questions - what are you reading, what were you doing upstairs, what time will you be back, what shall we have for dinner, which bin is it this week, where are my XYZs? And the bigger things - his endless complaining about his work, his anxiety and hypochondria, his lack of ambition, his anti-socialness (we have no 'joint friends' at all).

I'm early 50s, he's a little bit younger. He wants to retire early and has all these grand plans for us, travel etc. But it has started to feel stifling - like it would be just me and him forever, not even work to distract us, let alone any sort of social life beyond the two of us.

Sometimes I feel like I could walk tomorrow and never look back. Other times we have a laugh and I think, I must be mad to even think about chucking it all away. It would break his heart. He's really done nothing wrong, it"s just who he is and I knew all this before I married him. But I just want to scream sometimes!

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post. Just want to know that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way?

Why is it even a thing in this culture that we have to put up with nonsense and live with these men forever? The kids are grown now, we can be happy on our own. This is a social construct.

That's probably the main thing I struggle with - but I think this 'struggle' is my responsibility. I could have a proper conversation with my wife and say stuff like, "I'm going offline for an hour or two, so don't expect to hear from me," or "I'm going out for the day. See you later." But instead, I bottle the frustration up! How stupid of me!

It seems to me that good relationships have this element: being able to get away from each other. I love going for a wander in my local city on my own. I think, "Hmmm, I'll just go up that street," without someone going, "Noooo: it's too far/dark/boring..."

Actually, I do manage to do these things sometimes. I get exactly what you mean, though.

Why can't you do exactly that?

I don't think my post really explains what I was trying to get across. I do do the things I mentioned, but I find the whole process surprisingly stressful. Paradoxically, I think the best way to create space in a relationship is constant, open and honest communication, and that's perhaps what I'm not very good at.

Relationships are tough to explain in a paragraph, for sure. I agree with you that being able to get away is important as we get older, but also balancing that with time together.

I have a couple of (male) friends who are supremely good at this. They seem to be able to emanate love and affection for their partners at all times, whilst maintaining their independence. I always feel like I'm rejecting my wife when I want time on my own, even though she respects my need and doesn't have a problem with time apart. Rooted in childhood, I expect. And, as I say, my responsibility.

Maybe your wife is desperate for time alone! DH has gone away to visit family and adult DD is staying over at my friends.

I am very happily eating crisps and shortly about to watch Strictly. Don't feel rejected at all!

DH and DD went away for 10 days earlier this year (an activity I wasn't interested in doing) so I was home alone. Bliss. We all had a lovely time doing things that we enjoyed and came back together the better for it.

It's just about balance and courtesy. Everyone needs their space. Everyone needs to communicate that need.

@WallaceinAnderland "Everyone needs their space. Everyone needs to communicate that need."

Right enough!

Aaaargh OMG that would drive me bonkers. Like a pitiful puppy.

I might find i had developed selective deafness by his point. Make it too much effort for him, he has to ask twice.. then if he perseisists and asks again make him explain himself- 'Oh sorry i didn't hear. Why did you need to know?'

Rhetorical question:

Why does the prospect of leaving seem like an easier option than having a very frank conversation?

I've been married three times and divorced three times mostly because after a while I just can't stand them.
I have a nice house and a career and Im happy alone but its not always ideal. You very much get ignored as an older person and the times when I've needed someone around like when I needed hip replacements I had to manage on my own.
Peri definitely plays a part, at peri I literally could not tolerate my 3rd husband to a point I wished he was dead.
Trouble is us women have really changed this century but men have just not. I don't think the sexes are compatible any more.
I don't want to hear what's for dinner any more (I don't know what's for dinner, have you looked in the fridge?) Or where is this and where is that. I can't stand it any more.

If my DH asks where something is I just put my index fingers on my forehead, close my eyes for a couple of seconds and then say, no, sorry, I'm not getting anything. He gets the message.

Likewise what's for dinner - 3 jumps at the cupboard door my mum used to say. You could say, I don't mind, whatever you're cooking is fine.

I'm beginning to think some of these relationships lack humour. You should be able to rib each other and also to say knock it off when you've had enough.

This would drive a lot of women nuts. It's probably the anxiety that's driving this, and not liking anything unexpected or changing of small plans. It reminds me of a woman who posted on here a while ago saying that he husband wants to know what she's doing all the time. Like if he heard her in the kitchen opening cupboards, he'd want to know what she was looking for. The constant questioning made her feel like she couldn't just be in her own home.

But it has started to feel stifling - like it would be just me and him forever

You sound totally out of love with him.

If my DH asks where something is I just put my index fingers on my forehead, close my eyes for a couple of seconds and then say, no, sorry, I'm not getting anything. He gets the message

😂

It's not you. It's just that the relationship has run its course and you're not as compatible as what you once thought.

What finally did it for me was him saying for the 100th time that day "what are you thinking" and "are you ok".

Sorry OP, I could not live a life where I couldn’t travel on my own and time away requires negotiation. And where Dh was asking me where I was going in my own house. That sounds absolutely smothering.

If you don’t want to leave (yet), and frankly, I couldn’t imagine not growing old with my Dh even though he does annoy me some days, then it’s time to push back and start living your life. Tell him how ridiculous he’s being getting all worked up about you having a bath. Book a week in Spain with a friend and tell him you’re going in 2 months time (don’t ask, don’t negotiate, tell him the dates). Start doing more and living your life without overcompensating for him.

You can’t live half a life just because someone else won’t deal with their childhood trauma head on.

I think @onthelandtheseathesky's husband should be invited onto this thread. Let's see what he's got to say for himself.

I'm happy to say that I don't recognise any part of that coercive control list as reflective of my marriage.

We've been for a long walk this afternoon, and a lot of talking. I'd like to thank posters on this thread for giving me a kick up the arse to actually, honestly voice some of this stuff to DH rather than keep it bottled up and festering. We've got a lot of things out in the open, and it's been really, really good.

I've been very clear that I need more space and to be able to feel that I can take that time away, doing my own thing, without feeling guilty. He's been really receptive and positive. I do think quite a lot of it has been me being passive - I'm not saying it's actually all my fault but I probably should have done a lot less tiptoeing...

I think there probably is an element of codependency if I'm really honest. The pp who talked about growing up with a parent who was the toxic centre of attention has really struck a chord - there may well be stuff I need to work through myself!

I think there are ongoing conversations to be had - obviously not everything gets sorted in an afternoon - but I'm in a much better frame of mind than I was! It's been a reminder that i do need to keep the communication open with him and not bottle things up. And I know that sounds so basic but sometimes I just forget.

Thank you all, this has genuinely been the most useful MN thread I've ever started (better even than the S&B ones!)

That’s a good update op! Well done on voicing your thoughts. Keep voicing them. Hope he checks in with you as well rather than you always having to go to him.
Carve out the lone time you crave and are allowed to have! Maybe it will reignite your marriage - maybe it won’t but perhaps now that you and dh have spoken that decision isn’t so urgent anymore. Book yourself a week away somewhere, or whatever it is you want to do. Tell him every time he asks you what you are doing, why are you doing…tell him you don’t need to narrate your day to day life to him. Or…go the other way 🙈 I’m putting the kettle on now, I’m pouring the milk now, I’m stirring the teabag now - he’ll soon stop with the nonsensical questions 🤣

I think you need to have a full and frank conversation with him. The constant questions and the clothes on the laundry basket would irritate the life out of me so I’d have exploded before now.

It sounds like peri is in action here because there are times when you get along very well.

I say don’t take any drastic actions and see if you can work on him building a life outside of you.

Oops- just seen your post, OP. Lovely update!

He would be totally unaware.

He would be totally unaware!