Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

Re adult children going NC, it’s a thought that regularly comes to my mind and brings me down badly.

My own conclusion is that I can’t do anything about the past.
I feel there are only two things one can do there. Apologise (and obviously recognise the hurt). And ensure that you’re not hurting them anymore.
So I’m concentrating on looking at the ways I might not be reacting ‘right’. So I can change that.
And I’m reminding myself that the way I look at things, the way I’ve experienced things will be massively different from theirs. So I’m careful to not overthink and assume they’ll hate me and concentrate on what they do/how they are around me instead.

SpecialMangeTout3 good advice. I've started the ball rolling with bereavement counselling

Thank you for this thread. No one IRL understands what it is like to have a DH with ASD

It's complicated, I suppose. I don't feel like I've ever 'lost myself' to him - it's all tiring and upsetting and demoralising, yes, but I don't feel trampled down or diminished by him. I think, fortunately for me (and maybe him) I have a pretty cast-iron self belief and sense of esteem that nothing he's said or done has made me doubt myself as a person. I think I can self reflect on my behaviour and be fairly honest about when I've done the wrong thing, but I don't torture myself about it or let it define me.

He knows how things have impacted me and I will keep telling him - I think one difficulty is that he needs to appreciate the difference between me learning to 'handle him' having come to him as an adult, and the effect on the kids, whose lives he's always been in. I used to flinch and cower (which he also hated and made him angry) when he seemed the slightest bit testy. I still feel churning inside in those situations, I don't let it show outside because I do know he won't always go downhill and most likely it will pass, and that he will likely go downhill if I express alarm before anything has actually happened. But I don't think he can expect that of teenage kids.

His response is partially the ADHD dysregulation, and he's realised, partly that as a kid, his mum would very quickly jump in response to any raised emotion with to 'Are you angry? Why are you angry?' which (understandably) upset him and wound him up more.

I’ve read this with interest and thank you so much to those that have contributed
My father has Asperger’s and my dearest stepmother. I don’t know how the woman has coped over the years.
I 100% will go no contact if she dies first which I hope for everybody’s sake doesn’t happen
It’s such a horrible family dynamic, kudos to all of you surviving it

That sounds like a very upsetting state of affairs @Solutionssought2026 - do you see them often?

No, we can only see them for lunch in restaurants. It’s almost like performative parenting if that makes sense.
Happily pay for meals out
But wouldn’t dream of lending me £20 to get my car fixed that kind of thing.
We are at the texting each other on birthdays stage and I honestly don’t see that improving.

@Solutionssought2026 Do you want to talk about what's been difficult in your relationship? Or not for now?

It's a very good and safe space here to talk or rant or have a cry without judgement. 🌸

Tbh ive buried it, best it stays there i cant change anything
but thank you xx

My DH is very kind and thoughtful but it is usually around buying stuff rather than doing stuff. I cried the other day watching a film because the main character was heading off on a long journey and her husband checked the tyres on her car and told her to message him when she arrived. Such a little thing. DH would never, ever do this. I could be driving around with bald tyres through a forest full of axe murderers and it wouldn’t occur to him that I might appreciate some help. It really struck me watching the film that this is what I’m craving from him.

DH does his own washing up and own laundry. Wouldn’t dream of doing mine or the children’s. But he would buy me something at the shop he knows I would like and he can be extremely (OTT) generous with gifts for family (or even just someone who has done him a small favour).

Is it that we have different love languages? I feel like I only exist as a concept - ‘my wife’ - rather than as an actually person sometimes. I feel like he always does what he thinks is the ‘right thing’ - something he has learned as a rule somewhere along the line - rather than adapting to what the individual in front of him might need.

I’m more than capable of sorting out bald tyres and maybe even axe murderers but it would be so wonderful not to have to.

I only know 2 successful ND relationships and those are because they are extremely compatible. In both cases both of the partners are extremely self sufficient. There is little emotional attachment. Both the partners seem to just allow the other person to come and go and have no real desires of their own and fully engage in the interest of the ND partner. In my eyes they look like a wet lettuce with no identity of their own and just do as the ND person wishes and is happy to have zero emotional connection but they are happy. They did both meet when young so I think this may have something to do with it, little individuality developed. Basically I just think many of us aren’t that compatible and that’s it really.

I have to say that both the non ND partners in these relationships had mother issues. I wonder if this has led to choosing very unemotional relationships as it’s familiar. You don’t know something is missing if you’ve never had it. I chose a narc for my first long relationship myself having a non emotional mum.

Yes I think you’re right. I am
very independent within the relationship and spend a lot of time with friends. DH doesn’t want to do the things I like doing and is unwilling to compromise so I just do them by myself. My Mum and Dad had very separate lives in many ways so that’s what I’m used to. Doesn’t mean I don’t crave a better connection and partnership. I’m actually very lonely. I also have chronic health conditions and I’d just like someone to look after me for a bit.

I think my relationship is successful. It's at least as successful as any other marriage I know in any detail. Nearly 50 years together. He is ASD (Apergers type), I am ADHD. We are extremely compatible in that our strengths fill in holes left by the other's weakness. Left to him we would never go anywhere, for example. Left to me we would be standing at the airport with out of date passports. It definitely helps that we are both ND, an NT guy who noticed me all the time would be driven mad by now 🤪

My partner sounds like yours. If left up to me nothing would get done, with good intentions but I start and forget whereas he follows it all through rigidly.

I think it’s normal isn’t it to not be happy in a relationship. Lots of unfulfilled people in relationships. I’m ok in my partnership but I’m unfulfilled within my parent relationship and always have been. I’ve tried to carry on regardless but I think the disconnect just grows and it discolours the whole relationship. I have no suggestions of how to survive a relationship like this, only sympathy.

Just come to cry. So hard living with DH

That is it really

I’m so sorry, I can only imagine how bloody traumatic this must be. My last grandparent (very very old) had a stroke the other day and toddler has been in and out of the docs for a month with some nasty virus….my mum, not a peek. Having one side of the relationship with no empathy is like a one way street. You can go down it, to them, to their world but not the other way.

I hear you.
I'm divorced now but nothing can make me the loneliness of that marriage. And if you mentioned something, people saying 'try talking to him' ... it made it worse, because he was a brick wall and then when you talk to others, you realise just how little they understand.

It is so so lonely a situation to be in.

From my heart, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

Ah George I’m just sending you a really massive hug! What a shitty time. I’m so sorry you lost your lovely Mum. I’m sorry your DH can’t give you what you need. This too shall pass 💐

Sending hugs @Georgeismydog, I feel your pain. My mum died 40 years ago and before I knew (d)h, but my best friend since we were 2years old died 20 years ago after 6 months with cancer. She was 50, she had 4 children. I was with her and her husband and their children when she died. She was family as neither of us had siblings.
when I rang h to tell him she’d died he said “well at least she wasn’t family.” I’ve not forgiven or forgotten.
💐 for you

I'm sitting in a school meeting about Y10 revision and end of year exams. DH has had to leave because he is 'in despair', he whispered to me because he thinks this just shows DS can't do any of the stuff he needs to (which I disagree with). My guts just turned to ice... I will meet him near the school afterwards but he's going to be in a total state and ranting about how we've failed and DS will fail because he 'refuses to do what he needs' to and 'refuses to listen' etc etc

It’s not about him. His son’s “failings” aren’t about him, they are about his son’s difficulties. I can’t imagine how responsible your son feels for his dad’s feelings. He needs to hide how he feels from his son. Sometimes I feel guilt also but I’d never show this to my child. They are not responsible for my guilt, that’s my feeling to deal with. I’m not saying I deal with it perfectly, I get frustrated. No one has failed, it’s just hard.

When I feel like your husband I take my daughter out. They are more than their failings at school. Life doesn’t have to revolve around it. People can have jobs and lives without school being everything. Its not do or die.

I know that, but DH has trouble accepting it.

FWIW, this was a false alarm - DH calmed down, he prevented his feelings spilling over onto other people and he did a bit of showing DS some revision tips when we got back. I'm about to tell him that I really appreciate him doing all of that and it suggests to me that when he's feeling panicky, rather than having a go at me or DS, the best thing is to pour that energy it into doing a (short and contained) bit of helping DS like he did tonight. And he also tonight appreciated it was fairly late and DS was tired and not able to focus for too long, which helped it be a positive interaction.