Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

☝ all day long

You are a human being, and you do need support and kindness. Find it where you can right now. I am so sorry it is not with your DH.

@Georgeismydog So sorry you are going through this alone. I completely understand how much harder a situation like this can be when you don't have the expected support from your dh.
Can you go and be with your mum and let dh take care of things at home?
Sending love and sympathy to you 🫂🪷🫂

The people I met in there and bonded with mostly were women around my age. We all have a history of childhood trauma and are all married to men with ND. We are all people pleasers and highly empathetic.

All of us had normalised the trauma of childhood and thought we should just be “coping” and thought we were all doing fine. Until we weren’t.

All of us abandoned by parents, who may well have still been present but just didn’t have a loving secure relationship with them. For some of us it was our DM, others it was DF. But the dysfunction of that growing up around an unsafe template made us vulnerable.

Then life comes along and as the pressures get higher and higher our limits started to waver. We didn’t know how to cope.

When nervous systems aren’t given stability at a young age, they are more vulnerable to stress.

I wonder if ND means family life is more stressful, more choppy, less regulating, catastrophic at times and coping mechanisms for survival are put in place that ultimately become very damaging. It’s inter-generational and passed on unless an event or self awareness springs up somehow.

Not sure if this explains it. I think all of us were drawn to ND men because we exhibit traits ourselves. Not all of them are getting divorced. Half of us are, half of us aren’t.

@Georgeismydog sending you love and a massive huge long hug. I was there 5 years ago and my world died with her.

You will get through this. Somehow. Keep talking to us.

I phoned Cruse when I was beside myself one day and didn’t know what to do. I was so lonely and it’s hard to keep crying by yourself

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

they’re not open on the weekend but sadly there’s no timeline for grief that’s long enough so maybe you could call in the week. I talked to a lovely lady about the anticipatory grief I was feeling of knowing my mum would die. She was really kind. 🤍

A million hugs to you George xxx

@Georgeismydog I am so sorry - that sounds so awful for you - is there anyone in RL to talk to? Sendings hugs 🫂 x

Mini2025

I phoned Cruse and they weren't able to help until mum has passed

I think undiagnosed ND family could be extremely tricky. I think a diagnosis makes a huge difference which is why I went for mine. My daughter has an ally in her family. My family of origin were just surviving and I think when a parent is just surviving they can’t meet their child as they preoccupied with themselves. I guess that’s true for many mental health issues like anxiety and depression, they unintentionally make you selfish. In a family we cope by connecting and regulating each other. Growing up with this connection missing had left me lost at sea, never having a safe base and never leaning how to connect with anyone. Connection is the only way to survive life I have learned.

I agree with everything you wrote.

Connection is so important. Without it I was literally dying and for someone relational and empathetic my relationship was killing me mentally and physically looking back. It was so painful all the time. Sometimes acutely painful during the flares but always a low level of pain where I suppressed my feelings and my true self so that we could stay together and that meant having to pretend all the time that I was ok, that things were ok, that we were ok.

He was ok but I was not. I suffered so much.

It’s the lack of connection that’s the killer. Literally. I read a research paper on how the number of connections you had at the age of 45 would predict your health and longevity and it haunted me because my life shut down for 23 years with my DH and I realised that I didn’t have the connections I wanted, compared to when I was 30.

With DH, Connection was deprioritised. Actually it was avoided as much as possible. And because I’m kind and empathetic and built for endurance, I oriented my entire world around someone else’s needs and left connection behind in the dust.

There are so many papers like this one:

https://online.aging.ufl.edu/2025/10/29/how-social-connections-increase-longevity-and-healthy-aging/

being lonely and sad is a ticket to a shorter unhealthy life.

they don’t talk about what a sad lonely decades long relationship does to you but it’s pretty clear to me. It caused my mental and physical breakdown. I’m so glad I’m out of it.

OMG the word deprioritised really is the word to describe my family. They prioritise everything but connection. The hyper independence, their own interests, working, money all yes of high priority. I even asked for some help the other day from my mum but it was someone she knows anniversary and unfortunately that took priority over helping with kids. We are only a priority when she has spare time or when the task is something she enjoys. Her getting her needs met are her only priority. But I guess I have to accept this fact as there is no way around it, and many have tried and tried to find ways.

@Georgeismydog is there a charity that supports your mum’s illness? Like Marie curie for cancer?
Im wondering if they could support you.
I know Marie Curie has volunteers for that. So have ME charities but I don’t know if all charities do.

You are so right
@Theydontwantme

my DH said to me that he’d take me to hospital “when he had time”.

This, after I’d ended up in A&E.

He went to the gym. It’s all about getting their own needs met. Whether or not it’s manipulative and intentional or not, the impact on others that are hoping for relational connection is the same. You pine for closeness and help and reciprocity and keep giving and hoping. But they never give it back. They can never prioritise you and your needs. It’s very sad. And once you understand it, and step out of the bubble, it’s a still very sad but at least you know it’s not about you anymore. I don’t think they can prioritise anyone but themselves and this pattern plays out time and time again.

That’s why for Busty she hopefully knows this man won’t be any different with anyone else. He’ll mess the next person up he becomes involved with, just as my DH will too. There’s no room for growth or self reflection. They’re emotionally blinded in some area that just literally can’t switch on. It’s like it doesn’t exist on their brains. Very strange for feeling beings like us to imagine it. It’s like not being able to touch or something, it feels so fundamental to the soul of who we are. And yet they don’t seem to have it.

It’s the understanding of others and what others are actually for and what they need. Others aren’t an object like a cooker. My ex doesn’t treat his new partner any differently but she currently functions as she should, no health issues etc. When their needs align then all is good, If he had to change his direction for her then he will not be able to adapt to her needs, he will still continue down the same path and there paths will part.

Exactly this. I fully expect to be replaced in time with someone low emotional demand, sexually available and healthy. When I was this version the relationship worked. He could orient still around himself without it looking like he was neglecting me because our lives mirrored each other. Work, weekends, normal stuff before marriage. But then kids come along, grief, illness, job stresses, money etc. It’s so easy at the start when the stakes are low.

So he’ll binge on someone again, move them in rapidly, profess undying love and then slowly dismantle their core self by withdrawing into the safety of his own void where he is unreachable and no one can touch him. Intimacy and emotions are frightening to him and he avoids them at all costs. And she’ll be left wondering what the hell happened and be as miserable as sin, blaming herself for not trying harder! Dear oh dear. It’s a sad cycle of doom!

I’m sorry to hear this. It sounds like things have changed as they were good to me. There may be other talk services available locally in your area. Would you consider calling your GP surgery tomorrow. The receptionist may well have some advice.

How are you today?

Unless he meets someone more suited to this kind of relationship, or someone used to this dynamic or struggles with identity themselves like my SIL. She is my brother and is fully dependent on him for her sense of self.

What pissed me off today in a conversation was that she talked about having an easy life….don’t we all want an easy life like her with no sweat. The only reason she has an easy life is because she is disconnected to the lives of those who’ve depended on her. We don’t go to her with any problems. We have our problems but we have to deal with them on our own. She actually thinks she is doing something so fundamental as a mother by having an “easy life” when she is just completely checked out. The shit we are dealing with without her support! I almost had a go but what is the point. She wants me to look up to her as mother because she feels so successful when she is not.

It sounds very hard. Would it be easier to see her less? Seems like you see her often?

Good morning all - another rubbish start to the week. After a nice Friday and Saturday- another argument Sunday. Won’t go into it but he told me to F off… which is a no go for me. He apologised ( badly ) he can now only fixate on what I said… so that’s fine for him to cross the line. But something is different in me - I don’t want to fix it, understand, apologise- I sense I shift within myself …. . Also as yesterday was Mother’s Day - I did say - this is a great Mother’s Day, his response “ I’m not your mother “ he was totally bewildered that he should even factor that the day was about mothers! Yet on Father’s Day I am meant to arrange something for him with his kids.

My ADHD daughter said to me I’m not interested in Mother’s Day, it’s not about me, I’m not a mother…..bloody thanks.

@Theydontwantme oh I’m so sorry that was said - it’s so hurtful- sending hugs. Out of interest did you say anything back? X

I told her she hurt my feelings and would she feel the same if someone said that about her birthday. She then went into shame mode basically because I said I was upset. I’m not sure what the right way to deal with it is, not say anything because they just feel rejected, ignore all the things that are important to you.

@Theydontwantme for what’s it’s worth I think that was a brilliant and loving response. You called her out but also made her reflect how she would feel if someone made her birthday about them and not her. It’s so hard - I’m doing so much reflection atm and I know how my mother would have behaved ( is a narcissist) she would have gone mental and I wouldn’t have heard the last of it for months and months. The more shame she could put on me the better. Some times with my ‘D’ H when I do make him see how he would feel if it was the other way around - it does sink in… not at first and not as a verbal expression but in a change of behaviour. Xx

One day she is going to be in a relationship perhaps with children so it’s important she understands others as much as she can. She struggles in friendships currently as she doesn’t consider others, takes their things without asking etc. She dislikes me when I hold her up, she thinks I’m deliberately trying to make her upset and she does get caught up in how she feels. I know that’s common with ADHD. She usually does respond and apologise after some time has passed. I guess she just has to learn harder what comes to others naturally. It must be hard for her to receive so much negative feedback all the time.

It may be brutal but it's necessary. You're asking her to go to places she wouldn't naturally but over time it will help her learn. I'm guessing she's probably quite young too? The older they get the more aware they become..