Oh I really feel for you. My Mum got stage 4 cancer and struggled on for 2.5 years and that period broke me because of the high level of care that was needed for her, plus my two SEND kids. I was 46 at that time. We'd just come out of covid and then I had 2.5 years of that. I'd managed the kids fully over covid and all that came with that.Perimeno all the way through, then a year after my DM died, I found out I had an endocrine disease that needed an operation to fix things and save my body for later in life. That took a year to diagnose with scans and genetic tests etc. Then I had the operation and DH failed to look after me in an way at all, following emergency complications. He just ignored everything and went to work and the gym, despite me pleading for him to take me to hospital. Again, abandoned by what was supposed to be a strong male partner/anchor in my life.
So it tipped me over the edge.
I really get it. Women in their 40s and 50s are talked of as the "Sandwich Mums". Mums who are Mums to our kids but Mums also to our parents, because guess what, the care-giving for our parents, also falls to... drum roll folks... women!! Men don't tend to get involved. Well some of them do but not many. Well who'd have thought it? A life time of giving and then there's yet more to give, just as we thought we might be off the hook as the children are getting more independent, a second wrecking ball comes around.
All said with love but my God, as women we never stop giving and giving and giving. No wonder we burn out.
I don't know what the answer is for you. All I know is it's very important to take time away for yourself at regular intervals. I didn't and it's what caused me to collapse. I think being ND yourself means you are at risk. All the people I met in the hospital were ND or borderline like me. We are vulnerable and there is nothing in society that alleviates the mental health burden we deal with every day. I was talking with an ex-patient yesterday, we meet every week, a group of us who burnt out and it's like a form of therapy to meet up and see how we all are doing week by week. It's a life line for me because they see me, in all my brokenness but we are all the same so it's very comforting to be together with people who understand. I'd say that's key too. But I wouldn't have found this circle without the breakdown. All I know is you need to look after yourself because no one else will. You may be particularly vulnerable because your DM didn't teach you how to prioritise yourself. You have had to learn to parent yourself. My DM didn't know how to look after herself either and didn't prioritise me in the way I needed as a child. This taught me to endure and keep going because that's all I ever learnt and that was my downfall in all of this.
I'm so sorry. Please put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others, my therapist says this to me every week. Self-preservation, as you said. It's absolutely key to your survival and looking after yourself will feel alien because it's not been what you were ever taught to do. Nervous systems need to be protected, especially fragile ones like ours. I didn't understand this before it was too late for me. I wish I'd known what could happen and done my best to prevent but alas, the wheels were set in motion from my childhood that I would always be vulnerable. Take good care of yourself, please.