H ‘gone fishing’

[Muggymcmug]

H disappeared first thing this morning muttering something about going fishing. By the afternoon I tried to call then sent a message to remind him of something we had on in a couple of hours. Eventually responded to say that he was going to be night fishing & would be back in the morning. In this weather.

On a scale of 1-absolute bullshit, he’s a massive liar isn’t he?! There has been infidelity which he would swear is over.

Heard back from the estate agents - they’re proceeding with someone else. I don’t know what I’m going to do, u just feel so so helpless

contact local council, you might need to go into temporary accomodation for a bit but my friend ended up in a lovely council new build . this mans fishing could be your key (scuse the pun) to a new start in a lovely new home x

Do you know why they're going with someone else & not you? It's worth asking so that you know for the future.

Don't be down-hearted, it's just one place, there will be others - probably ones that you prefer and suit you better. Onwards & upwards you have the power of MNers behind you. 😘

Sweetheart don't panic.
There will be a place for you.

My sport is rowing and I spend a lot of time on the river where I get to see lots of anglers on the riverbanks in all weathers day and night. They all seem to dress in quasi military looking camouflage gear and have a huge amount of gear with them, several rods, tents, chairs, stove, several boxes on wheels etc. I guess you need all that gear if you are spending 8 hours plus in the cold looking at a float. Your DH was probably somewhere else!

I think you'll find that the thread has moved on a bit now.

One step at a time. Keep knowing you deserve more. But, I go against most here - I don't know how you can say nothing? Why not confront him and get him to move out til you find somewhere else? Its not you that's dipped your plonker in someone else! But he seems to have got away Scott free....

Did you ask what else is available, or n the current rental market I don’t know of anyone who gets their first try.

It’s also worth asking n Facebook we have a local page where you can ask anonymously and often get asked for rentals coming up.

@Muggymcmug not sure if this is in any way helpful for you but I thought I could give you a
bit of hope. I am two years down the road now from my official split from my now ExH. I lived with him and the children in rented accommodation, I worked and he didn’t so everything in the house was purchased by me. He didn’t cheat but he was a lazy manchild who was bone idle and I just couldn’t do it anymore with him so….

i approached my local council homelessness team. I was offered a small temp flat for me and four children. I took what I needed and left him with everything! It’s the best thing I ever done. I have been in my home with my happy family now a single mother. I started from scratch and I’ve never ever been happier. I know it can be scary but please think about your children’s future and what they will be hearing and watching at home. I know I didn’t want my children to think that was normal.

once you’ve took the first step, you’ll feel liberated and I promise you will never look back. Your worth is so much more than this disrespect from someone who is supposed to love you.

This! How you’re so calm is beyond me. I would have lost my shit wayyyyy before now

Have you taken legal advice yet?

(It will be throw him out, renew the tenancy & get the CSA to get Child Support from him to pay the rent - but get it from a solicitor in a free 30 min interview).

Kick him out and change the locks?

What a prick he is. Did you see any fishing gear when he came back and did you tell him you don’t believe a word he’s saying?

Sounds like you dont want to leave him. That you dont want to take advice from strangers on the internet but you want to make a go at it with your Husband who you've known and loved for so many years

I dont have experience..others might...if you chuck him out could you get £help from benefits what would others suggest in relation to staying where you are. ????

In my own experience, there are so many people applying for rentals that landlords can simply choose based on whatever criteria they like.

There will be other places but as others have said it is worth looking into whether UC would help you stay where you are if you chuck him out and renew the tenancy alone.
I really feel for you. I've been seething since I read all this! Whatever he is up to this surely has to be the end of the road for you. He went AWOL on you and your small kids for several nights and wandered back in like it was nothing! He clearly doesn't consider himself part of a team or a family with you. You and your children deserve much, much better than this and I hope you get it in the end. 💐

A lot of unhelpful assumptions here. Most of us appreciate that leaving any relationship comes with challenges and expenses, especially when children are involved.

OP, have you spoken to him and challenged him?
what do you want to happen? Take time to think about what you really want.
if anyone should leave, esp to give you space, it should be him.

You don’t need to catch him out or challenge him about fishing. You can say to him this relationship is not working for you and you want out.

You need to keep your cool, stay strong, act like it never occurred to you to be bothered and get your ducks in a row as they say. Look for a better paid job, work out what you would do for child care and squirrel away some savings. It's not all going to happen at once. My friend started small by getting a few bits from FB Marketplace and charity shops, smartened them up and selling them on ebay. Not a lot at first so she didn't raise suspicions but since she split from her cheating and aggressive ex,her spare room is chockablock and she makes a fair bit each week to supplement her job. I feel for you so much, it's horrible feeling trapped. Make a plan because once you do make the move, a divorce can take a while and cost, you need to know what you are doing. Just to let you know I did a small typo of getting your dicks in a row but ducks are better so I did change it. 🤣

Can't you go to your parents for now?

@Muggymcmug

Take a deep breath. As I said upthread, this is a marathon not a sprint. You will find a place, but it may take time. And time is on your side as long as you can keep quiet. Think of it this way, you know what you know and he doesn't know you know. That puts you miles ahead on this journey. The minute you spill the beans he's going to start playing catchup. You want to avoid that for as long as you can.

And again, see a solicitor. That's what you need to do right now. Get yourself educated as to what divorce may mean to you. Then make your plans, figure your budget, and get serious about finding the right place. It's out there, it may just take some digging. I hope I'm remembering correctly, but you are not in physical danger he's just a cheating prick, so as much as you may hate being in the same house as him, use this time where you aren't shouldering the full financial living costs to plan your own future wisely and possibly be able to put a bit by on the sly. If you don't have separate finances, I remember one poster, years ago, who put her FUF (fuck you fund) in a tampon box under the sink because she knew he'd never look in there lol.

Also, find one close friend or relative who you trust to keep your confidence and confide in them. You may want to get important documents and other items out of the house, and a trusted friend or relative may be able to keep them for you.

You can do this, just do it wisely.

How are you doing @Muggymcmug

Sooo…there was definitely someone else (shocker, I know) he’ll never admit that it started prior to us splitting, but I know.

Now I’m struggling with accepting the idea of my children being around this person. & I’m not sure if that’s mostly clouded by the nature of it, or if it’s reasonable to say that I’m not comfortable with it 1. At this stage 2. When I know absolutely nothing about this person