H ‘gone fishing’

[Muggymcmug]

H disappeared first thing this morning muttering something about going fishing. By the afternoon I tried to call then sent a message to remind him of something we had on in a couple of hours. Eventually responded to say that he was going to be night fishing & would be back in the morning. In this weather.

On a scale of 1-absolute bullshit, he’s a massive liar isn’t he?! There has been infidelity which he would swear is over.

I hope you have run various scenarios through a benefit checker?

If the house is HA - Talk to them, they could try to find you another. Or even move H to a flat, making you the tenant of the house. It may be a long shot but you never hit anything if you don't shoot!

If it's Services accommodation - Policy is to move him into single accommodation while you stay in the house with the kids. He has to pay both rents for 3 months.

If it's tied accommodation - Messy. If you know there's an unoccupied property, it would be worth finding out if you could take it for a transitional period. They'd discuss it with H though, so you'd have to be on the same page. Big corporations will have a formal policy on marriage breakdown.

If owned by his family - Also likely to be messy, but don't assume anything. They may have strong views on infidelity, for instance, or on keeping children in a stable situation. Shoot the shot!

Don't do any of the above before lining up your ducks, securing paperwork and money, etc. But do explore the possibilities.

Good to hear you're going to talk to your parents, too. Wishing you a following wind.

@Muggymcmug, I am really sorry that your H is choosing to treat you and your children with such brazen disdain.

How long ago was your Dday? What terms and requirements did you set when you agreed to reconcile? The way he is so cavalierly trashing boundaries and rubbing your face in his self-serving bullshit, I can’t imagine that he ever showed authentic remorse and invested in rebuilding your trust. He has clearly been planning an illicit rendezvous during his leave for quite a while.

Sending positive thoughts as you formulate and carry out your exit plan.

What an absolute POS and disgrace of a man.

I hope you’re doing okay, OP. When similar was going on with me it destroyed my MH. The good thing is life is so much better once you get rid of that sad excuse of a man.

Wow he really is a nasty piece of work.

Just upping and staying away 2 nights.

You must get out of this , can you get help from family or friends?

I couldn’t tolerate this …or be anywhere near the POS!

Hi OP I know you are worried about the finances but having all the numbers to hand will help. Some things to consider:

He will have to pay child maintenance- there’s a calculator online where you can put in his salary and it will show you how much he has to pay.
You mentioned nursery so I’m assuming you work part time at the least. Might you be entitled to some UC? There's a benefit calculator called entitledto which might help.
Remember any child maintenance is not taken into account for UC so that would be on top.
Your food bill should drop massively without a man in the house.

Work out your maximum income and your minimum outgoings.

Sorry your husband is such a dick, it’s so horrible facing up to having to do it all alone.

Do you work OP?

Do you put them back after they've had a hook through their mouth?

Will they not die from that?

I'm not being arsey; just genuinely not sure what happens.

I might be missing something but if you are the parent with the main responsibility to care for the children, shouldn’t you be staying home and kicking him out instead?

Don’t make things easy for him at the expense of your children’s welfare and yourself. Talk to a solicitor first before you move out (unless he is violent, that is)

Did you tell him you were viewing a house? Everyone in here would advise you to keep quiet and “get your ducks in a row” before telling him anything. I wish you all the best of luck and courage to get yourself and your kids away from this lying piece of scum.

Fish are fine after being caught. Most of the time anyway.

Small fish are tough, just need to be handled carefully.

Big fish might need a bit more care. They need an unhooking mat, sometimes a cradle similar to a cot. Many anglers, esp carp folk, will even have medicated cream. Apply it to any sores etc. And they are held in the water to recover before they swim away.

There are lots of rules regulations, and laws. These vary from water to water. Barbless hooks only, knotless mesh nets, minimum size nets, hook sizes, prohibited bait and so on. Some waters might also have a chemical dip for tackle, to prevent spread of fish parasites and disease.

The UK underwater world is a hidden world, and us fishers tend to see ourselves as the guardians of it, to an extent.

And we can't forget the financial side too. Big fish can be worth a lot of cold hard cash. Large carp are worth thousands each. A single 10 lb carp will cost around 120 quid. Fishery owners do not want to see them abused or damaged.

Who cares about the fishing?
OP is being treated like crap and needs this guy as far away from her and her kids as possible.
Can you go stay with your mum ?
Just up and leave when he next goes out. Sort everything later.
When I left I put everything in storage . Left him with nothing . It was all mine anyway .

If you havent told him to leave, I just saw a publicity for anonymous tracking. So the next time you can try & track his phone on “instantID.info” (for a small charge I believe)

@Muggymcmug are you ok today? How had things been given its a weekend day?

Yes been thinking the same, hope op can use all the advice on here to make a plan,

@Muggymcmug I hope all is calm with you. Underneath so much going on.

As best you can, keep your poker face on & your cards close to your chest. This time round, you are going to play your hand differently.

You would be looking for a new place anyway given your current lease is soon up. So the same process but without him & within your new budget. Safe, warm, dry & good location is what matters right now with no room for him & all his junk.

Many posters have shared that the first place of your getaway mat not be perfect & you will survive this to build a better life.

So patience & persistence will help you find a place that is plenty good enough.

Loads of good suggestions to find out your rights & potential income streams.

Keep your new information & documents in digital firm where he cannot find them.

Although he is an arrogant user & thinks that he has the better of you, when you subvert his assumptions by leaving him he may get nasty.

Just be organised & well prepared.

You don’t have to be financially alone. Check your benefit entitlement (as if you were living separately), and also remember that he will need to contribute.

He would be haggard and unwashed after two nights lakeside, even if he had changed his footwear for the drive.

Hope you're doing ok, OP.

Just reminding you that you don't need to tie yourself up in knots about evidence/proving he was not where he said he was. You can make a decision to leave him just because you don't want to be with him any more.

I hope you have some real life support and can start taking some steps to safeguard your and your kids futures.

The bit you're missing is that OP lives in a rental and the contract is due for renewal.

OP how are you doing? I had to go searching for your thread because its no longer trending and I wanted to know how you're getting on.

I hope you are starting to form a plan to get away from this man. Sending you strength 💐

So renew the contract? Get legal advice on whether DH is named in the contract (maybe as guarantor, not tenant). Live happy life bringing up DCs without DH, just his £.

Nothing would make me stay

A studio flat would do as long as I was away from a man who so disrespected me , his cover story was so feeble

I did leave my husband for a year, not because he was cheating, but he was totally disrespecting me , disrespecting what I need to do and where I needed to be.( Id had a breakdown had to stop work and he was putting his daughter before my recovery ) I spent one night in a hotel, two nights on a sofa and the rest of the year in a woman's hostel - living on £34 a week SS

You do what you need to do for your own dignity and respect.

Ok so we did spend that year working on where we were going and I did go back eventually, but the one thing I remember to this day - him asking why I was staying in the hostel rather then coming home. My reply was - Im valued there , I'm heard , I have my self worth

30 years down the line and I still wouldn't hesitate to walk

How are you doing, @Muggymcmug? Did you get to the bottom of where he actually was and with whom?

Just checking in- you’ve been on my mind.

@Muggymcmug could you please let us know your ok?