How do I get through this?

[GreenEyed1981]

I know I’m probably being really daft and need to have a word with myself but I am feeling really sad right now.

I’ve been with my DP over 5 years. I’ve never doubted that he’s the one for me, he’s amazing, kind, funny and it just works. We met quite randomly and it’s always been a LDR - for various reasons he has to work about 5 hours away from where I live, so I only see him at weekends and when he’s in between contracts. We don’t officially live together but basically when he’s not at work he’s here.

I’ve never had a reason to post about him before, but what’s going on at the moment is a couple of weeks ago his brother and brother’s girlfriend got engaged. I’ve only had to meet the gf a few times and she’s been very competitive about how perfect their relationship is, I’ve just let her witter on (whilst knowing from my DP the amount of moaning his brother does about her!). They moved in together quite quickly, and they’ve been together 2 years.

I would marry my DP in a heartbeat, but he’s always been adamant he doesn’t want to get married. In one sense I don’t blame him, he’s got far more money than me, I’m a single parent (although DC grown up/nearly grown up). There’s not really anything in it for him. He’s very shy and I think he finds the idea of getting married and being the centre of attention horrifying. And to be honest I’ve never really seen it as a dealbreaker. But now the news of his brother’s engagement has kind of broken me. I feel really sad that I’ll never be married (I’m mid forties now). And it will be so painful having to go to the wedding and have all his family saying “so when is DP going to ask you” etc (which will definitely happen, it wouldn’t be the first time!). And we’ve been together twice as long as they have. I really don’t want to go, but I don’t think it’s something I can easily get out of.

Honestly I’m struggling to get past this, but what’s the solution? Either give him an ultimatum and force him to marry me against his will, which isn’t quite what I imagined anyway. Or leave him and probably be on my own forever as I don’t think I have it in me to start again. He is the most perfect person I’ve ever found, and I don’t think I’d be that lucky again, especially at my age.

At the moment I’m being a bit moody and weird with him because I’m struggling to process this, and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He’s been nothing but lovely and kind to me and my DC for the last 5+ years.

Speak to him again and say how you honestly feel about it. He may have a change of heart.

Talk this over with him?

I really don’t know what to say though. Either I’m issuing an ultimatum or I’m not, and I don’t know if I want to go there. And even if I did that, and he begrudgingly agreed (which I don’t expect he would), it wouldn’t really feel anything to be excited about. He really doesn’t want to get married and I’ve always respected that as it’s not like we’d have been having DC together. And I’m fairly sure he will stick to his guns.

This feels like a lose/lose situation. If I end it I will be throwing away a really good thing. But honestly I don’t know how I’ll get through having to go to this wedding. Brother’s GF has always been so smug, and I know she’ll use it as an opportunity to stick the boot in. Urgh.

I guess it’s the wider thing of dwelling over my generally shitty life choices and personality flaws and just feeling sad that I’ll never get someone wanting to commit to me in that way. I honestly couldn’t blame my DP for that. So I feel like I’ve got to take what’s on offer, or be even sadder without him.

God I’m such a loser.

Can you practise a cheery (slightly patronising, if you like) "Oh, no, that's not for us"? I mean, you'll be lying - but it's also the truth, and you'd better get your head round it if you're happy to continue your relationship as it is.

I feel like I’ve got to take what’s on offer, or be even sadder without him.

Oh, shit, is that really the extent of your commitment? 😟

Does DP enhance your life, would you say? Are you not happy with him?

I feel like this is my only option. And I kind of believed it myself until now, but honestly I’m blindsided at how I’m feeling at the moment.

Yes he does, I love being with him and after some horrendous past relationships I feel so lucky to be with him. Men as genuine and kind and pure-hearted as him are a rare breed, and I’m not likely to find 2 unicorns in my lifetime. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, he is my one. So that’s what I mean by I have to accept what he’s willing to give me.

I think he sound great, you sound very happy and as if the current situation works for you - don’t let the brother’s girlfriend make you feel insecure.
Marriage isn’t for everyone - its costly and this day and age isn’t necessary if you don’t want it to be, there are other ways to show commitment.

I might want to explore why you are feeling the way you do - what would marriage/a wedding give you? Why is what you have ‘not enough’? But I wouldn’t go rushing into any ultimatums as he sounds great.

I'm sorry you feel this way. It's a bit bleak.

Must you have a man?

Is he the only man who'd have you?

Why do you believe this?

EDIT - cross--posted! Yes, it sounds like you need to unpick your expectations and (probably) learn to relax into what you have.

That’s a good question and there’s the danger it could always go the other way, it’s hard to describe but we are totally committed but both maybe a bit commitment-phobic. I actually had a nightmare once a couple of years ago that he proposed and I was horrified 🤣. So maybe neither of us would deal well with the pressure of marriage. This is the kind of thing I need to tell myself.

I guess it’s the idea of being old, which is beginning to feel scarily close, and secure in the knowledge that we’re together until the end which is appealing.

And also as a side reason, my DM would love to see me get married. She loves DP and it would mean the world to her, and to be able to be at the wedding of one her DCs. Long story as to why it’s not likely to happen for her other DC.

You don’t have to issue an ultimatum straight away - just tell him that this wedding is making you feel sad and try to explain why - see how he reacts, that might give you your answer.

Yeah I feel like I’ve kind of got to say something - at the moment the weirdness between is just hanging there in the air, which is not usually how it is for us at all. I know this is for me to just have to get over, as I was perfectly happy before this news was announced.

Does he not have any concerns that as you are "only a partner", if anything happens to him you won't be able to make decisions on his behalf?
He might be surprised to find that only his parents or siblings get to decide if his life support is turned off, etc.

I don’t think he has really done anything wrong although I know how difficult it is. But if you look at the statistics for marriages failing that is a huge gamble for anyone to make if they are the one who is better off financially.

If you had more money the advice would be not to get married.

I think if he had lied in the beginning and said he wanted to get married then changed his mind then that is completely different but he has been honest from the start and if that was your son in all honesty what would you advise him? Get married and risk a financial loss in the future or stay in a long term relationship and be very generous to that person whilst together even if that is forever.

If for example his money came from an inheritance how would that person feel if he got married in middle age and risked it all?

Clearly this is just my opinion but I think it’s a lot to ask someone if they have a lot to loose.

I think if children are involved then it’s nice to get married to protect the lower earner and for inheritance tax reasons etc.

My partner and I are 43 and 51. We agreed from the start that we wouldn’t consider marriage as it wouldn’t be fair to our children. I want mine to inherit from me and he wants his to inherit from him. I don’t think that makes our relationship any less valid.

If marriage is a deal breaker for you then end it but I genuinely think that it wouldn’t make sense from his point of view and you would be asking him to put himself at risk financially.

He may be open to it if you have a chat with him about it but like you have said if he still doesn’t seem keen then if you force it it would never make you happy anyway.

Best of luck.

I’m married but we have children together.

Your partner made it clear he never wanted to marry.

You are changing the goal posts which, is fine but you have to be honest with him or resentment will build and poison what you do have.

Marriage or no marriage being able to discuss your feelings does not need a certificate or ceremony.

but he’s always been adamant he doesn’t want to get married. In one sense I don’t blame him, he’s got far more money than me, I’m a single parent (although DC grown up/nearly grown up). There’s not really anything in it for him. He’s very shy and I think he finds the idea of getting married and being the centre of attention horrifying.

Personally whereas I accept that a lot of people don't agree with the institution of marriage I find the reasons you give for him not wanting to marry you really quite off putting.

If a man didn't want to marry me because he had more money than me I would question the whole relationship. If money is his priority in life then I would find that repugnant. The way you put it makes it sound as though he sees himself as superior to you because he is richer.

And not wanting to be the centre of attention: do you mean for the actual wedding? If so, what is wrong with a very small wedding without all the unnecessary bells and whistles?

To me it sounds as though he gets everything he wants out of your relationship. So no wonder he is Mr Nice. If he is in the relationship because
of " what's in it for him" he sounds incredibly self centred. I would question how much he actually values you. Obviously not as much as his money if what you have said is correct.

Imo you would do better to end this relationship. It doesn't seem like a partnership.of equals to me.

I don't think hes done anything wrong, he has always been clear he doesn't want to get married.
You need to decide what's more important to you - marriage or this relationship.
BTW, you're not a loser for feeling this way, I would say most women would love to be married to a great man, but its not fair to put this on him when he's been honest from the start.

This. The guy has been upfront and honest from the start. It's not fair to then start issuing ultimatums.

Fwiw, I've been married and divorced twice and absolutely would not do it again. It doesn't guarantee a happy ending.

Say exactly what you have said on here to him.

Do not leave it to fester without a conversation. That is not fair on him or on you.

Marriage doesnt have to be big or flashy. Suggest a small ceremony. But make it clear to him that you want that commitment to each other and it extends way beyond just a wedding day.

raising it doesn’t mean it’s an ultimatum, it’s sharing that you are struggling with something. We had exactly the same - together the same amount of time and all of a sudden it hit me. We talked about it and DP was shocked - he didn’t think it was something I wanted. We let it sit for a few weeks and we are now engaged.
talk to him. If he still feels the same you need to decide on if you lose him for the chance at marriage with someone else, or if you could compromise.

Re the finances - I don’t think that’s what is stopping him. He’s incredibly generous and has been all along to both me and my DC. He didn’t inherit money, he’s from quite a poor family but has worked really hard and is now doing well for himself. I’m kind of the opposite in that I come from quite a well off family, but due to a complicated set of circumstances I’m not what you would call loaded, it’s only recently that I’ve been able to up the work that I do. However, at some stage I will inherit, so long term that would even out.

I’m his first real relationship and it’s been a very slow burn which has been fine, I know he loves me and it’s been refreshing in a way to know that when he says something he means it, and isn’t just following a process he’s done before.

I think it’s as simple as the idea of marriage scares him, and he doesn’t really see the point. I guess things work as they are, so in his mind why change it?

And he doesn’t have any DC, never been bothered about having any. He’s just generally quite passive about life.

And thank you for all the responses so far, I do need to talk to him but I’m not quite sure what to say, so it’s good to be able to get my thoughts out here first and have some feedback.