How do I get through this?

[GreenEyed1981]

I know I’m probably being really daft and need to have a word with myself but I am feeling really sad right now.

I’ve been with my DP over 5 years. I’ve never doubted that he’s the one for me, he’s amazing, kind, funny and it just works. We met quite randomly and it’s always been a LDR - for various reasons he has to work about 5 hours away from where I live, so I only see him at weekends and when he’s in between contracts. We don’t officially live together but basically when he’s not at work he’s here.

I’ve never had a reason to post about him before, but what’s going on at the moment is a couple of weeks ago his brother and brother’s girlfriend got engaged. I’ve only had to meet the gf a few times and she’s been very competitive about how perfect their relationship is, I’ve just let her witter on (whilst knowing from my DP the amount of moaning his brother does about her!). They moved in together quite quickly, and they’ve been together 2 years.

I would marry my DP in a heartbeat, but he’s always been adamant he doesn’t want to get married. In one sense I don’t blame him, he’s got far more money than me, I’m a single parent (although DC grown up/nearly grown up). There’s not really anything in it for him. He’s very shy and I think he finds the idea of getting married and being the centre of attention horrifying. And to be honest I’ve never really seen it as a dealbreaker. But now the news of his brother’s engagement has kind of broken me. I feel really sad that I’ll never be married (I’m mid forties now). And it will be so painful having to go to the wedding and have all his family saying “so when is DP going to ask you” etc (which will definitely happen, it wouldn’t be the first time!). And we’ve been together twice as long as they have. I really don’t want to go, but I don’t think it’s something I can easily get out of.

Honestly I’m struggling to get past this, but what’s the solution? Either give him an ultimatum and force him to marry me against his will, which isn’t quite what I imagined anyway. Or leave him and probably be on my own forever as I don’t think I have it in me to start again. He is the most perfect person I’ve ever found, and I don’t think I’d be that lucky again, especially at my age.

At the moment I’m being a bit moody and weird with him because I’m struggling to process this, and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He’s been nothing but lovely and kind to me and my DC for the last 5+ years.

Urgh. A little update.

Things have been ok the last few months, I managed to swallow my feelings and we’ve carried on happily. But just had a really difficult week.

Firstly, it was a family wedding on my side last weekend and of course it was a whole day of everyone saying things like “it will be you two next”, and “when’s it your turn?”. I was a bit drunk and it all got too much and I took myself upstairs to the room at about 9.30pm for a good sob. It should have been a happy day, but I really didn’t feel happy.

Followed by a visit to see his family for a week, who live in a different country. I haven’t seen them since before DP’s brother and gf got engaged, and it has literally been a full week of all of his family asking about us getting married. I spent a lot of the week choking back tears. Highlights were one of his sisters saying that when their brother and gf’s news was announced, they were all saying to themselves “poor GreenEyed”, which was right because that’s when I started this thread and was feeling shit. So now I feel like I have their pity and it’s just embarrassing to be honest, on top of upsetting. And also the brother and gf getting married being referred to as ‘the royal couple’.

I wish I didn’t care about this, it would make things so much easier, but I do. I have actually been thinking about ending things, which would be absolutely heartbreaking because I love this man so much and other than the marriage thing I couldn’t say a bad word against him. But I feel like this is just going to slowly chip away at me forever, it’s like death by a thousand paper cuts. There’s a big family event of his later this year which I was planning on going to, but now, honestly after the last week, I don’t think I can. It will be even worse than the week I’ve just been through as the brother and gf getting married will be there too, and she will absolutely love sticking the knife in. So how can this work long term, I can’t avoid his family forevermore, but I can’t help but getting upset when the inevitable questions come. I love where he’s from and his family but when I left I had a feeling that might be the last time I’m ever there :(

I would have a talk to him about it and say that he needs to speak to his family and warn them to stop this nonsense. It’s not ok for him to say “green eyed doesn’t want to” as a response to people asking about marriage. He’s the one who (for his own very valid reasons) doesn’t want to get married so he needs to own his choice and let his family know to shut the fuck up about it because it upsets you. If he won’t do that for you then he’s a coward who doesn’t care enough about to you to stand up to his overbearing family, so no matter how lovely he may be, he’s not being a good partner at this point. Tell him once, that you’re serious about it, and he either puts his family straight that you’d love to marry him but he won’t do it, or you’re not going to any more family events with him, and may not continue the relationship with him.

I see your logic but I’m not sure how feasible that would be. It’s a HUGE family, and he couldn’t possibly brief every single sibling and their spouses/partners/adult kids not to say anything to me, and also expect them to remember about that when there’s been drink involved. And also that makes an even bigger deal of it, like it’s announcing to everyone that I’m unable to cope emotionally with the lack of marriage (which is true). I can see that being a bit of a source of mirth amongst them, and just adds to the embarrassment I’m already feeling about it all.

And WRT to ending things - that would break me, truly it would. There’s a very good chance that at my age I will either end up alone, and would be highly unlikely to find anyone as decent and compatible as him (I certainly never did when I was younger before I met him, and it’s less likely now).

But at this point I genuinely don’t know which is worse - I don’t think the feelings I have will change and I’m either going to stay with him and feel upset/hurt/unbearably sad about him not wanting to marry me for the rest of my life, particularly when weddings and other family events crop up, or I end it and then I’m on my own, but at least I won’t carry on feeling like this, or take my feelings out on him. It’s a lose/lose situation for me.

Oh OP. He isn’t Mr Right. I’d be mortified if I were you and I’d be ending the relationship.

Mr Right would want the same level of commitment as you. I know it’s scary but don’t waste any more of your precious time.

And you will never get what you want whilst you are settling for what you don’t want.

You can get married without any focus on you and have a very small wedding with just strangers if you want.

You can make legal financial agreements if worried about money.

Is he aware of those things?

Also feel your self esteem is pretty rock bottom OP so maybe work on that.

I am starting to see this. And it’s devastating, I’ve had the best 6 years with him and I love him to bits.

A very small wedding is exactly what I’d want, and yes he knows that is possible but he still doesn’t want to get married.

WRT to legal financial stuff, I don’t really know how to have that conversation with him, like why SHOULD I be entitled to his money? He is very generous, eg he’s recently bought me a new car. But if he was to be hit by a bus tomorrow, I would be left with nothing, and wouldn’t have any say over medical decisions. And like I say, at some point I will inherit money (although not for a long time I hope), so our finances will even out a bit.

My best friend was with her partner for 20+years and confided in me that she wanted to get married. Looked like it was never going to happen then he proposed! They've been married for 8 years now.
I really think you need to let him know how you feel, make sure it's not a deal breaker but something that would make you very happy. The alternative is to propose to him!

Just tell him. I've always been a bit against marriage; it can feel like a limiting contract. However, if I were with someone who truly wanted that kind of commitment, I would want to know.

I mean I don’t hate myself but I am realistic that I’m mid forties with looks fading fast, 2 DC and not a lot to show for my life. I don’t think men will be queueing up around the block to marry me, and in that respect I can’t really blame DP for also thinking that.

I’ve told him many times how I feel about it. If I asked, he would 💯 say no.

I have.

I haven’t read the whole thread, OP, but I have read all your posts.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your DP sounds like an absolute gem.

I’m in a not-dissimilar position to you. I’m 51 and, until I met my DP, I had never had a relationship that felt safe or that I could imagine going the distance. Lots of short relationships and flings, but no real commitment. I never even lived with anyone.

I met my DP in 2023, and every day I am amazed all over again that we found each other. He’s wonderful - kind, loving, thoughtful, generous. He’s been married before - to an abusive woman - and never wants to be in that position again.

I was like you - didn’t realise I wanted to get married until I met someone who didn’t. It
made me feel insecure, “not good enough” and generally awful.

What has helped is that we’re planning a future in which we might one day live together. Knowing that IS a possibility has made me feel much much more secure.

I have friends who’ve told me that living together and owning a house together feels like a bigger and tighter commitment than marriage. Is it actually marriage you want, or a secure future?

Even if it’s ten years away, can you talk about / plan a long term future together? Will that make you feel any better?

For what it’s worth, I think you’d be making a huge mistake to end this relationship because he won’t marry you. Love
like this is rare and special.

But I wish you lots of luck, whatever you decide x

That’s an interesting question and before I do anything drastic I think I do need to sit down with him and see where he thinks our relationship is going. I’m not sure I’ll get much clarity, I know he thinks we’ll be together for the rest of our lives but I’m not sure he’s really thought about what that will look like, he’s not what you’d call a deep thinker 🤣. But having said that, I feel that in the last few months there’s been a subtle shift in the way he’s talked about things, eg when talking about places to live in the future he’s using the term ‘we’ rather than ‘I’. I think he does see this as a forever deal and our lives as being intertwined, and that’s enough for him.

Maybe if I got some reassurance in terms of security in another way I’d feel better, it’s hard to say whether that would be enough or whether I’d still feel hurt and rejected. I would be an idiot to end it, I know that, but what do I do about family events and weddings and how do I stop my feelings from bubbling to the surface? I’m not doing a very good job at it at the moment.

One key thing he said in a recent conversation about getting married (this was in the room after the wedding last week), was that “he doesn’t ask for much”. And he really doesn’t, in fact he never asks or expects anything from me. So I feel like the one thing I could do for him is somehow learn to be ok with this. I’m not sure how though, I have tried. And that’s without the dreaded wedding of his brother and gf having happened, how I’ll get through that I’ve no idea, whether I go or not.

My DP isn’t really a deep thinker either. I used to find him not talking much about the future quite difficult and upsetting. When I explained this to him, he looked completely astonished and said he knew we had a long term future together and didn’t realise I was worried…his certainty helped me see how sure he was, and that helped (he’s much better at communicating now!)

What does marriage represent for you? A public show of commitment? A commitment to a joint future? A public declaration of love? Are there other ways you could have any of these without a wedding?

As for his family, i think you deal with them by shutting them down. Find an answer that will discourage more questions (“we don’t want to get married”, “we don’t need to get married” - that second one will annoy the fiancée, esp if you emphasise the ‘we’) - it doesn’t have to be true, it just has to shut them up. Prioritise your mental health, not being honest!

Eventually that will become the narrative and they’ll stop asking.

As for the brother’s wedding, you either don’t go, or you google ‘bridezilla’ and make yourself a bingo card to tick off. She sounds like a bloody nightmare.

It’s definitely not the public show of commitment, in fact I’d be happy to elope and then not tell anyone we’d done it! I guess it’s feeling secure, and like I’ve been chosen, and having the financial security of marriage. As it stands, I feel like we could carry on indefinitely with the current arrangement, he’d be happy with that.

I feel like it’s a bit late to take the “we don’t want to get married” stance, as it’s pretty well known that I do want to within our respective families. The conversations have been being had for a good few years now, although have really ramped up on his side now with the brother and gf getting married.

But also, if by some miracle he did finally agree to marry me, it would be under massive duress on his part, not because he chose me or wanted to, but because he’d been backed into a corner. Which would take the shine off it really. Not that I think he ever will. I just can’t see a solution where we can both be happy, other than me learning to be ok with never getting married.

OP you talk about the fact YOU would be losing an amazing person by walking away but you fail to see that HE is losing the most amazing woman for him also. You talk about him with such love and respect even though he will not honour the one thing that will make you truly happy. You call your relationship an 'arrangement' at times so clearly this is the most and biggest thing you want from him and while he may say he doesnt ask for much and maybe he doesnt, are you asking too much of him day to day? You need to see yourself as his equal and not just someone waiting in the wings to throw yourself at him IF he choses to ask you one simple question the one that will make you beyond happy. HE will lose out because of his stubborn streak.

I’d say he definitely does more for me - I don’t often ask him to, but he just offers or when I do ask, does it without a grumble. But that’s more because of the fact he comes here and lands in my life with the kids, and I have work. So if I’m working and one of the kids needs a lift, he’ll do it, or he’ll just randomly decide to do a tip run or tidy the garden, or fix something. I can’t really do those things for him because he doesn’t really need anything done! Obviously I cook for him and stuff.

But yeah I think he’d be pretty sad if it was over, he’s definitely far more eligible than me and I’m sure he’d find someone else, but we really are made for each other and I don’t think he’d find what we have again in a hurry.

But then he isnt doing more for you, what he is getting from you is full on commitment and a ready made family that he has not had before and possibly may not have the opportunity to again. You provide him a family unit with you and your kids and he seems happy with that and happy to play the role of almost stepdad if he is doing lifts and things and handyman around the house but he is getting the love of a wonderul woman and her kids back in lieu of this also. He would be a fucking bellend not to just give you this one thing and to risk everything you both have.

He won’t budge. At the wedding last week I was quite upset and wasn’t getting angry but told him (again) how I felt, and that I need to decide whether or not I can live with the fact that he doesn’t want to marry. He didn’t disagree. And I said that if we broke up, of course he could have the car back (to which he said no that’s ok). And then I knew I had to have a good cry so went and got in the shower. So that’s the first time I’ve ever brought up the possibility of breaking up, but nothing has changed or will change. It really is down to me to work out whether I can live with that and how to manage my feelings going forward.

What exactly do you think talking about it will actually achieve?

Because you’ve got to be very clear with him, and that might lead to you ruining a really good relationship or even ending it. Is it really worth doing that?

I think you need to be very careful here, and for starters stop creating a void between you. He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong.

Stuff his brother’s GF, she really doesn’t matter.