How do I get through this?

[GreenEyed1981]

I know I’m probably being really daft and need to have a word with myself but I am feeling really sad right now.

I’ve been with my DP over 5 years. I’ve never doubted that he’s the one for me, he’s amazing, kind, funny and it just works. We met quite randomly and it’s always been a LDR - for various reasons he has to work about 5 hours away from where I live, so I only see him at weekends and when he’s in between contracts. We don’t officially live together but basically when he’s not at work he’s here.

I’ve never had a reason to post about him before, but what’s going on at the moment is a couple of weeks ago his brother and brother’s girlfriend got engaged. I’ve only had to meet the gf a few times and she’s been very competitive about how perfect their relationship is, I’ve just let her witter on (whilst knowing from my DP the amount of moaning his brother does about her!). They moved in together quite quickly, and they’ve been together 2 years.

I would marry my DP in a heartbeat, but he’s always been adamant he doesn’t want to get married. In one sense I don’t blame him, he’s got far more money than me, I’m a single parent (although DC grown up/nearly grown up). There’s not really anything in it for him. He’s very shy and I think he finds the idea of getting married and being the centre of attention horrifying. And to be honest I’ve never really seen it as a dealbreaker. But now the news of his brother’s engagement has kind of broken me. I feel really sad that I’ll never be married (I’m mid forties now). And it will be so painful having to go to the wedding and have all his family saying “so when is DP going to ask you” etc (which will definitely happen, it wouldn’t be the first time!). And we’ve been together twice as long as they have. I really don’t want to go, but I don’t think it’s something I can easily get out of.

Honestly I’m struggling to get past this, but what’s the solution? Either give him an ultimatum and force him to marry me against his will, which isn’t quite what I imagined anyway. Or leave him and probably be on my own forever as I don’t think I have it in me to start again. He is the most perfect person I’ve ever found, and I don’t think I’d be that lucky again, especially at my age.

At the moment I’m being a bit moody and weird with him because I’m struggling to process this, and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He’s been nothing but lovely and kind to me and my DC for the last 5+ years.

OP, you don’t need to ask him again, you’ve already had the conversation multiple times and he’s seen how upset you get at family weddings and he’s still not willing to marry you, another ask would be futile.

You need to have a conversation with him about what you have decided to do and why, laying out the facts of the situation without blaming him, then break off the relationship.

If he comes back after some time apart and realises he’d rather marry you than be without you, that’s up to him and you to decide how to proceed, but I think by having another conversation framed as an ultimatum can come across coercive and will just end up in more upset.

I’d say something like, ‘’I’ve been thinking about what I want from a long term relationship and marriage would mean a lot to me to give me some security and acceptance. I understand that it isn’t something you see as important to you, so I’ve decided I need to go my own way because knowing you don’t share my feelings is hurting me and I don’t think it’s fair on either of us’’

He’s perfectly within his rights to not want to be married, but he needs to be with someone who wants the same as him.

What you've got sounds brilliant. A lot of people.would be very happy with your life. I certainly would.

The thing is, if you end it you will definitely be on your own dealing with everything & without the nice bits of your relationship with a man you love.

Unless you are going to wholeheartedly throw yourself into online dating in the hope you will find someone to marry, i'm not sure what you will actually gain by ending it.

She gains the opportunity to meet someone else. She gains freedom from hope/disappointment and the pain she's currently experiencing in the relationship.

She gains freedom from what is a bit of a comfortable trap. Her weekends are busy with this man, her efforts & energies going into a relationship that isn't really going where she wants to go. She could be focused on her own social network and hobbies etc.

Sure, it's nice to have someone around for the fun stuff, but it masks the issue.

I’ve just tuned into your thread and I can see how you have arrived at this conclusion. His reasons don’t really hold water; I think the biggest tell is “everyone who is married is miserable” i.e. he thinks all relationships eventually run their course and so he doesn’t want to be tied into one. You might even find that a change in your long-distance arrangement would upset the balance for him.
Having said all that, good men are hard to find and you do run the risk of the grass not being greener on the other side. So what you really need to be weighing up is whether it’s better the devil you know (lack of security) than the cold, deep blue sea.

I do get that and if she didn't say she loved him, I would agree.

Urgh, I’m still in a horrible place with this. I was thinking that I would have ‘the talk’ with him when he got back, but fate intervened and I had a really awful and traumatic week that week, and also came down with a virus, and when he got back I didn’t have the strength to cause myself anymore upset.

So we’ve been chugging along, kind of as normal, but things do feel a bit distant. He’s sensitive and I think he knows something is up, even though I’ve not said it. But when he talks about things far-ish away, eg Christmas, my instinctive thought is that I don’t think we’ll be together by then. The gf of his brother has the wedding of one of her DC soon, so I imagine she’ll be getting that out of the way and then cracking on with planning her own wedding. And I know I’m not going to be able to cope with that.

So things feel like a time bomb at the moment for me, I still love him so much it hurts, and he’s been off work so staying at mine and doing things every day to help me out and make my life easier, like he always does. The last 6 years have been the happiest of my life, and I guess I’m trying to make that last as long as I can, whilst on some level preparing myself that it won’t be forever.

You said earlier in the thread that he's quite a bit younger than you...how much younger?

He sounds lovely and you seem to love him so much. I don't get the issue here.
Just because he won't marry you you are going to throw all this away? And later in life too?

I have sympathy for you because you sound very mixed up about it but as someone looking in from the outside, honestly, I would love to have what you have with him.

Why not get some therapy to help you get over your need to put marriage above happiness?

Why should SHE give up her want to be married? Why does it always have to be the woman to bow down to the mans wants? If he wants her to be in his life going forward he knows what he has to do and if he cant 'just' marry her then why the hell should she 'just' get over her wishes and do as he wants instead? Shes made it clear marriage is what she wants and shes willing to walk away otherwise and that is her boundary. It should not be crossed to keep the peace or to keep him fucking happy. She deserves happiness too and if a ring on her finger is what she wants then why would anyone talk her out of this? She is allowed her boundaries.

She shouldn't you're right but this guy isn't going to marry her so she needs to decide if it's worth staying in an otherwise happy relationship, or leave and possibly not find that happiness again. Tough call IMO

Absolutely but why should HE get married when he doesn't want to?

At some point there has to be either a compromise or they will split.

But as she says she loves him and he sounds like a loving, considerate partner in every other way it seems a bit like cutting your nose off to spite your face.
At the end of the day, it's her decision and her boundary of course.

It just seems a shame to lose what sounds like a lovely relationship for the sake of compromise when there are constant threads on MN from women in a similar age bracket lamenting how hard it is to meet a decent man.

SHE is the one here, asking for advice. I’ve heard her reasons why she would rather abandon love than stay unmarried, and I think that in therapy she might be able to learn not to care so much about what other people think.

If HE were here, I would be pressing HIM on why he would rather lose love than get married. But HE’s not here. SHE is.

Oh look I am not saying it is the best thing for them to split and it would not be a factor for me but if they are both prepared to lose their relationship over this then that is for them to decide. He knows she wants marriage and knows she can walk if she doesnt get that so he is basically giving her the lead her. She stays on his terms or she leaves. Hard decision totally but if this is going to cause stress and upset as much as it has then walking away is the best option I think.

I agree she should not stay if it continues to upset her to do so. I just wonder whether talking therapy might help her not be upset.

Gods grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference

But would anyone advise someone to get married if they don't believe in it and don't want to?

Surely him marrying her just because that's what she wants and not because it's something he also feels strongly about would be a recipe for disaster?

Has your DP ever said what he thinks might happen when your DC2 is independent and you’re able (in theory) to move to his locality?

I suppose I’m asking whether the status quo suits him long term, or whether he’d be hoping to live together at that point and have a more conventional relationship. The latter could be the compromise.

@cloudtreecarpet ah im a happy divorcee so I never advise anyone to get married ever lol but it clearly is very important to her and if he genuinely is against it then walking away is best if shes aready upset about upcoming weddings as a guest.

Maybe. I think if she walks away over this and doesn't try to find a compromise she will live to regret it though.

I don't see the appeal of marriage really when you both already have families and have been around the block - but each to their own I guess.