How do I get through this?

[GreenEyed1981]

I know I’m probably being really daft and need to have a word with myself but I am feeling really sad right now.

I’ve been with my DP over 5 years. I’ve never doubted that he’s the one for me, he’s amazing, kind, funny and it just works. We met quite randomly and it’s always been a LDR - for various reasons he has to work about 5 hours away from where I live, so I only see him at weekends and when he’s in between contracts. We don’t officially live together but basically when he’s not at work he’s here.

I’ve never had a reason to post about him before, but what’s going on at the moment is a couple of weeks ago his brother and brother’s girlfriend got engaged. I’ve only had to meet the gf a few times and she’s been very competitive about how perfect their relationship is, I’ve just let her witter on (whilst knowing from my DP the amount of moaning his brother does about her!). They moved in together quite quickly, and they’ve been together 2 years.

I would marry my DP in a heartbeat, but he’s always been adamant he doesn’t want to get married. In one sense I don’t blame him, he’s got far more money than me, I’m a single parent (although DC grown up/nearly grown up). There’s not really anything in it for him. He’s very shy and I think he finds the idea of getting married and being the centre of attention horrifying. And to be honest I’ve never really seen it as a dealbreaker. But now the news of his brother’s engagement has kind of broken me. I feel really sad that I’ll never be married (I’m mid forties now). And it will be so painful having to go to the wedding and have all his family saying “so when is DP going to ask you” etc (which will definitely happen, it wouldn’t be the first time!). And we’ve been together twice as long as they have. I really don’t want to go, but I don’t think it’s something I can easily get out of.

Honestly I’m struggling to get past this, but what’s the solution? Either give him an ultimatum and force him to marry me against his will, which isn’t quite what I imagined anyway. Or leave him and probably be on my own forever as I don’t think I have it in me to start again. He is the most perfect person I’ve ever found, and I don’t think I’d be that lucky again, especially at my age.

At the moment I’m being a bit moody and weird with him because I’m struggling to process this, and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He’s been nothing but lovely and kind to me and my DC for the last 5+ years.

OP, you don’t need to ask him again, you’ve already had the conversation multiple times and he’s seen how upset you get at family weddings and he’s still not willing to marry you, another ask would be futile.

You need to have a conversation with him about what you have decided to do and why, laying out the facts of the situation without blaming him, then break off the relationship.

If he comes back after some time apart and realises he’d rather marry you than be without you, that’s up to him and you to decide how to proceed, but I think by having another conversation framed as an ultimatum can come across coercive and will just end up in more upset.

I’d say something like, ‘’I’ve been thinking about what I want from a long term relationship and marriage would mean a lot to me to give me some security and acceptance. I understand that it isn’t something you see as important to you, so I’ve decided I need to go my own way because knowing you don’t share my feelings is hurting me and I don’t think it’s fair on either of us’’

He’s perfectly within his rights to not want to be married, but he needs to be with someone who wants the same as him.

What you've got sounds brilliant. A lot of people.would be very happy with your life. I certainly would.

The thing is, if you end it you will definitely be on your own dealing with everything & without the nice bits of your relationship with a man you love.

Unless you are going to wholeheartedly throw yourself into online dating in the hope you will find someone to marry, i'm not sure what you will actually gain by ending it.

She gains the opportunity to meet someone else. She gains freedom from hope/disappointment and the pain she's currently experiencing in the relationship.

She gains freedom from what is a bit of a comfortable trap. Her weekends are busy with this man, her efforts & energies going into a relationship that isn't really going where she wants to go. She could be focused on her own social network and hobbies etc.

Sure, it's nice to have someone around for the fun stuff, but it masks the issue.

I’ve just tuned into your thread and I can see how you have arrived at this conclusion. His reasons don’t really hold water; I think the biggest tell is “everyone who is married is miserable” i.e. he thinks all relationships eventually run their course and so he doesn’t want to be tied into one. You might even find that a change in your long-distance arrangement would upset the balance for him.
Having said all that, good men are hard to find and you do run the risk of the grass not being greener on the other side. So what you really need to be weighing up is whether it’s better the devil you know (lack of security) than the cold, deep blue sea.

I do get that and if she didn't say she loved him, I would agree.