How do I get through this?

[GreenEyed1981]

I know I’m probably being really daft and need to have a word with myself but I am feeling really sad right now.

I’ve been with my DP over 5 years. I’ve never doubted that he’s the one for me, he’s amazing, kind, funny and it just works. We met quite randomly and it’s always been a LDR - for various reasons he has to work about 5 hours away from where I live, so I only see him at weekends and when he’s in between contracts. We don’t officially live together but basically when he’s not at work he’s here.

I’ve never had a reason to post about him before, but what’s going on at the moment is a couple of weeks ago his brother and brother’s girlfriend got engaged. I’ve only had to meet the gf a few times and she’s been very competitive about how perfect their relationship is, I’ve just let her witter on (whilst knowing from my DP the amount of moaning his brother does about her!). They moved in together quite quickly, and they’ve been together 2 years.

I would marry my DP in a heartbeat, but he’s always been adamant he doesn’t want to get married. In one sense I don’t blame him, he’s got far more money than me, I’m a single parent (although DC grown up/nearly grown up). There’s not really anything in it for him. He’s very shy and I think he finds the idea of getting married and being the centre of attention horrifying. And to be honest I’ve never really seen it as a dealbreaker. But now the news of his brother’s engagement has kind of broken me. I feel really sad that I’ll never be married (I’m mid forties now). And it will be so painful having to go to the wedding and have all his family saying “so when is DP going to ask you” etc (which will definitely happen, it wouldn’t be the first time!). And we’ve been together twice as long as they have. I really don’t want to go, but I don’t think it’s something I can easily get out of.

Honestly I’m struggling to get past this, but what’s the solution? Either give him an ultimatum and force him to marry me against his will, which isn’t quite what I imagined anyway. Or leave him and probably be on my own forever as I don’t think I have it in me to start again. He is the most perfect person I’ve ever found, and I don’t think I’d be that lucky again, especially at my age.

At the moment I’m being a bit moody and weird with him because I’m struggling to process this, and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He’s been nothing but lovely and kind to me and my DC for the last 5+ years.

I'd probably tell him that this wedding has made you realise that you might be more open to the idea of marriage than you'd thought. That's enough just as a statement rather than an ultimatum. But it would be a good conversation opener.

He wasn't anti-marriage, it just wasn't important to him. There is a difference between against marriage and just not being bothered.
Had the thought of marriage made him unhappy or had he actively been against marriage as a concept then it would have been a completely different story. Then I think I would have taken my own advice and talked to him but ultimately I would never have forced him to do something he was against (and never would).

Yes, I see how it's different if someone is ambivalent about marriage rather than anti it altogether.
Tbh it sounds like in this case he is more "anti" than ambivalent but maybe having a direct discussion can clear that up.

Thanks for all the responses. Things are less frosty between us, I’m really trying hard not to be a dick towards him.

I think for him, from various conversations we’ve had over the years, he just doesn’t see the point in marriage. He says everyone he knows who is married is miserable (not true, he has many happily married family members). And he thinks having a wedding would be really stressful. He’s quite immature in terms of relationships as he’s never had one before me, so I think the idea of marriage is way out of his comfort zone. I’ve always been happy to go at his pace, and we’ve built a really lovely relationship by doing that.

I think from my point of view, the last few days has made me do some soul searching and question why I’m so disappointed and sad. I feel like we have been drifting along, happily, but not progressing. He can’t move to where I live full time because he co-owns a business, yes he could find a job around here but he’d earn nothing like what he does now. And I can’t move while DCs are at home, and uproot them. How many more years that will go on for, I’ve no idea.

I’ve raised my kids alone, been through a lot of shit, really learned what it feels like to be lonely in life throughout all that. But I don’t want to do that forever. I guess I’m missing a feeling of security for my future - at the moment I’m working crazy hours knowing that I will have a massive income drop when I lose my youngest’s UC. But again, I’ll be navigating that alone, like everything else.

He is the loveliest, kindest person ever, he works stupidly long hours and still makes the effort to drive hundreds of miles to see me every weekend. He doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. But I think he’s very comfortable with this arm’s length arrangement and I don’t know if it will ever be more than that. I guess I have to decide whether that’s enough.

You need to have a conversation. Maybe bring the issue up as now that 5 years have passed you realise how important marriage is to you after all.

@GreenEyed1981 as a single parent myself with no partner, I absolutely wouldn't give up your situation because your unicorn who you adore would be near on impossible to find again. You cant have everything. The only bit id ask is are you a filler till he meets the right person/have kids.

I get it, i would totally want someone to want me for me, and appreciate and care for my kids from my abusive past relationship, and want to marry me! The reality, no one does in my case. Im attractive, solvent, great friends and family. But I recognise i cant have it all.

I’m a similar age to you OP and never had anyone want to marry me, I assumed it would be my turn at some point but no. To me it wouldn’t make me feel any more secure in a relationship and I don’t really want to be someone’s wife but I do feel like I’m not quite enough for someone to marry.

Sorry OP, I don't think he's right for you. It's long-distance and isn't ever going to be any more, from the sounds of it. You suspect he likes this arm's length arrangement but you are so tired of not having a partner in life. It sounds to me like the relationship has run its course. Maybe it's been great up to now, but these days you're on different pages and want different things.

You're not old, you're not even NEAR old, and there really are plenty of fish in the sea. Shoot for your dream of a lifelong married partnership. 💐

They've just had a conversation. Read her updates.

I'm assuming he's a similar age as you OP. How has he managed to get to mid 40s and not had a single serious relationship before you?

I think you need to recognise that these feelings are being prompted due to an occasion happening to someone you don’t like (you don’t like prospective sister in law). Do you really want to up-end your life in response to an event in somebody else’s life, who you feel resentful of? It sounds like there is absolutely nothing to gain by splitting up with a nice man who is kind and thoughtful. I understand it is slightly sad not to get married when you would choose to but at this later life stage it is very normal not to want to get married. I think he’ll struggle to be patient with this for long - I would. He’s doing nothing wrong and it would be crazy to end things over this but you will sour the relationship if you maintain this mindset.

He’s a good few years younger than me so was only in his early thirties when we met. He’d never had a relationship before partly because he is very shy, grew up in a very unpopulated place, and moved around a lot for work. Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t a virgin 🤣, just never had an actual relationship.

@theresbeautyinwindysun every word you wrote is exactly right. I have to remind myself that I was perfectly happy before the bombshell of this news. And comparison really is the thief of joy.

The whole “when will it be you two” thing has already started. DP spoke to his brother on the phone today, I was right there, and he asked that. DP said “GreenEyed doesn’t want to marry me”, which is the kind of shite he would usually say, that’s just his sense of humour. It will literally be everybody saying that if I did go to the wedding, he has a big family. And it’s a bit humiliating considering we’ve been together more than twice as long as they have. A new ‘reason’ tonight is that we can’t get married now because then we’ll just be copying his brother and gf. Again, him trying to be funny. I pointed out they’re not the first people in the world to get married, so it wouldn’t really be copying them.

I told him I won’t be going to the wedding. He said he doesn’t want to either, and that he hates weddings. That’s true but he’ll have to because it’s his brother. As a weekend girlfriend (permanently it would seem) I have the advantage of choosing not to go. He asked why, and I was completely honest and said because all day it will be everybody asking when it’s our turn, and I’ll find that upsetting and I’ll feel sad. And also that his DB’s gf will be really smug towards me (she absolutely will). I’d rather book a trip away whenever the wedding is and just say I booked it before I knew the date. Possibly a bit childish of me but I have no inclination to put myself through the emotional wringer of going. So I’m not going to.

Spoke to another brother, not the brother who is getting married.

Hates weddings, doesn't want to even go to his own brother's, never had a relationship before you, happy to keep you as a long-distance relationship. never wants to marry...Honestly OP, what do you see in him? He sounds like a total fun sponge and very negative.

Also beware of people who really don't need a close connection. Because they really don't, and these are the kind of people who can just end things one day out of the blue, after you've wasted years on them. That's the reason you're the only girlfriend he's ever had and are a permanent LD one - because he has low needs for connection and for others.

If I were you, I'd find someone who wasn't an island and who has normal needs for connection and reciprocity and who sees value in stable, committed partnerships. Sure, he's a great boyfriend when you're together. What else has he got to offer you? Only a LD thing. Also it's not hard to be Mr. Wonderful from a distance.

I was married to someone with low need for stability, connection, and other people, and just being married eventually drove him mad. He left, over nothing. If he hadn't put me off for life, I would absolutely be looking for someone with normal connection needs.

He might be an avoidant. Look it up.

If he did marry you, he still wouldn't value or want a close relationship, and would find all manner of ways to push you away. People like this do NOT want closeness. They don't, and you're best off accepting this and finding someone with the same values as you.

My exH did a great job of appearing warm for much of the time, but ultimately his life revolved around himself and there was very little room for a truly reciprocal, committed relationship. They are cold and self-centred people at heart. Yours doesn't seem to care much what YOU want out of life, does he? I'm sorry OP, but I've been there, and you are beating a dead horse. These types are ultimately islands, and I, for one, don't like them for it. It's as if they're too good for everyone.

Propose to him? Make it a lovely intimate wedding which he will enjoy even though he’s shy!

Omg, it's a terrible idea to propose to someone who has been very clear that he never wants to marry!

He's never had a real relationship. OP is his only one and he keeps it as a long-distance relationship. This is not someone who is marriage material. This is someone who does not want, need, or value a committed, close, lifelong partnership.

He hates the idea of going to bis brother's wedding and thinks marriage is pointless. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

Bloody hell, he’s not Jesus.

He’s a mortal man, who earns a good crust, while his long-term partner struggles and worries about her financial future.

He knows how much marriage means to you, but refuses to budge for spurious reasons, even though he knows how upset you are.

This is his relationship - you’re just living in it.

I think you’re just having a bit of a wobble, it will be worth investigating your feelings but we all get different feelings sometimes, it doesn’t mean we are on the wrong track.

fwiw I don’t understand why marriage ensures you will have more commitment and stay together onto old age. Marriages still fall apart, people who aren’t married don’t necessarily break up. I’ve been with my partner 30 years; no intention or need to make any more of a commitment than we already have.

your man sounds lovely 😻

eta sorry I haven’t rtfp; there certainly may be more you need to talk to him about; but that’s what a partnership is. Definitely let him know how you feel.

I agree. Marriages break up so no guarantees but I get that you'd like to feel he wants to marry you. I'd concentrate more on how the future will look, long distance. Is he looking forward to you eventually moving in with him or will this set up suit him permanently? If it does, does it suit you?

Not sure speaking to him right now is the best idea for several reasons:

1. You seem a little unclear about why you want marriage (sounds a bit fuzzy something about feeling secure)
2. I’m not sure you are really clear why he is opposed to marriage.
3. The other marriage is going to be colouring both of your perceptions right now.

I think you think you know 1 and 2 but I’m not sure you do.

I would suggest you stop thinking about it and tell your self you will reconsider 2 years after the current wedding is over, take the pressure off.

Also, his comment about everyone he knows is unhappy in marriage may be him noticing the negatives in all those marriages, you may not be noticing them as much and assuming they are happy marriages. That doesn’t make them miserable marriages but can be a much more complex than people think looking in.

If it's about legal stuff (recognition) then becoming "civil partners" is also possible. Marriage in all but name ... but no need for the grand ceremony.

I have been married so I'm not completely in your shoes but after I divorced I did want to marry my now bf when we first met. I loved the idea of him loving me enough to propose. As time has gone on I feel so secure that need has fallen away. If I were you I wouldn't feel jealous of the gf who sounds so shallow anyway. I look at our friends and think we are the happiest couple and we are together because we want to be and not because we're married. From experience marriage kept me with someone I didn't want to be with for longer than I should so now I appreciate the difference. I also don't live with my bf but nobody sees us any differently. We're happy together and that's the main thing. Good luck x

He doesn’t want to get married, which he’s made clear. A family member getting married probably won’t change that.

Thanks for all the responses. I’ve come around to myself a bit now - I have very irregular periods (like 3 a year thanks to peri), and I came on a couple of days ago so I think there may have been a bit of emotional hormonal stuff going on there 🤣. He does show me he loves me in a million different ways, all the time, and I guess that’s what matters. He’s thoughtful, considerate and kind, always. So if he doesn’t want to get married it is what it is and that’s ok.

Re long term - as I said he’s tied to the other end of the country for the foreseeable. He would literally be earning around half what he earns now, doing similar kind of work, if he left the company. So it makes sense for now for him to be there. He gets chunks of time, sometimes 3 or 4 months off, in between contracts so we do get to spend lots of time together then. If things are still the same by the time my kids have left home, I can move closer to him. We haven’t really discussed the finer details of this as it’s likely to be a long time before either of our situations change. We’ve made it work this long though so I think we’ll be ok. It’s not ideal but I’d rather be with him and wait it out than not be with him. I have had a lot of relationships in my lifetime, all of them pretty shitty for various reasons, then I met him and knew within a week or two he was my person. It made no sense as he wasn’t what I ever thought I was looking for, but I’ve never wavered from knowing without question that he is my one (I really didn’t believe in that before him!). He’s worth playing the long game for.

Couldn't agree more with the above post, as I've lived it.

My ex husband was just like the OPs boyfriend - I was his first 'proper' girlfriend, when we met I was living on my own, he was still living at his parents, he didn't want to ever get married - we were both 25. 5 years later the situation was still the same. All his friends had got married, and I was sick of attending weddings and having everyone say 'when will it be you two' etc. Really fucking sick of it.

Turning 30 was the breaking point for me. I had my mother in my ear about it constantly and stupidly, because it was a leap year, I proposed to him. He said yes, to and I quote: 'shut me up about it'. He wouldn't tell his parents we were engaged for a year...we got married 6 months after that.

I now rank it as the biggest mistake I've made in my life. "This is not someone who is marriage material. This is someone who does not want, need, or value a committed, close, lifelong partnership". Sums my ex husband up. He was a crap husband, and to cut an already long story short, I left him after wasting another decade, soon after I turned 40.

We should have split up, instead of marrying.