How do I get through this?

[GreenEyed1981]

I know I’m probably being really daft and need to have a word with myself but I am feeling really sad right now.

I’ve been with my DP over 5 years. I’ve never doubted that he’s the one for me, he’s amazing, kind, funny and it just works. We met quite randomly and it’s always been a LDR - for various reasons he has to work about 5 hours away from where I live, so I only see him at weekends and when he’s in between contracts. We don’t officially live together but basically when he’s not at work he’s here.

I’ve never had a reason to post about him before, but what’s going on at the moment is a couple of weeks ago his brother and brother’s girlfriend got engaged. I’ve only had to meet the gf a few times and she’s been very competitive about how perfect their relationship is, I’ve just let her witter on (whilst knowing from my DP the amount of moaning his brother does about her!). They moved in together quite quickly, and they’ve been together 2 years.

I would marry my DP in a heartbeat, but he’s always been adamant he doesn’t want to get married. In one sense I don’t blame him, he’s got far more money than me, I’m a single parent (although DC grown up/nearly grown up). There’s not really anything in it for him. He’s very shy and I think he finds the idea of getting married and being the centre of attention horrifying. And to be honest I’ve never really seen it as a dealbreaker. But now the news of his brother’s engagement has kind of broken me. I feel really sad that I’ll never be married (I’m mid forties now). And it will be so painful having to go to the wedding and have all his family saying “so when is DP going to ask you” etc (which will definitely happen, it wouldn’t be the first time!). And we’ve been together twice as long as they have. I really don’t want to go, but I don’t think it’s something I can easily get out of.

Honestly I’m struggling to get past this, but what’s the solution? Either give him an ultimatum and force him to marry me against his will, which isn’t quite what I imagined anyway. Or leave him and probably be on my own forever as I don’t think I have it in me to start again. He is the most perfect person I’ve ever found, and I don’t think I’d be that lucky again, especially at my age.

At the moment I’m being a bit moody and weird with him because I’m struggling to process this, and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He’s been nothing but lovely and kind to me and my DC for the last 5+ years.

Weddings bring up feelings! I think in your case it's exacerbated by the brothers fiancee being a bit of a competitive bitch with you about it. Don't let her get under your skin. You might find with time that your feelings settle, but I think it's worth explaining to your BF that their engagement has brought up some unexpected feelings for you. I don't think you need to make it an ultimatum. Just explain how you're feeling. Maybe he will do something that gives you reassurance that he loves you, and that might be all you need.

For me, I always hated going to weddings as a single person. You get put on the singles table and I always just felt like a bit of a loser, even if I was happily single or in a relationship but they weren't invited/couldn't make the wedding. The worst was when my 4 years younger sister got married when I was recently single. Of course mindless twits asked me when I was getting married and why was my younger sister getting married before me. Ummm.... A bit hard when I'm single!

I shamefully didn't attend a friend's wedding because I didn't want to go alone. I was married with kids but we couldn't get a babysitter (and it was a flight away), and still the thought of attending a wedding alone stopped me from going and enjoying this day with my friend. I still regret that! I know these are not the same, but I understand that weddings bring up feelings!

I hope you can find a way forward that brings you peace and happiness.

If you are asked, I wouldn’t say ‘we don’t want to’ or ‘it isn’t for us’, I would say ‘HE doesn’t want to’.

I am I suppose a bit curious about why the wedding means so much to you at this stage of life. Is it part of the stick you use to beat yourself with because in your words here you are extremely hard on yourself.

If I am reading your situation correctly you have a very enviable situation. You have your own home, a grown up child, a relationship that meets your needs with what sounds like a good catch of a man. It honestly all sounds very good. I get that you are disappointed about the wedding part but honestly I don’t get why in order not to sit with that disappointment you would create a much greater level of disappointment for yourself by exiting a good situation. Life has disappointment, that is universal. It honestly sounds like that adage of stabbing your other 3 car tyres when you realise you have a flat tyre. Why would you do that.

I guess I always did want to get married but never found the right person until now. I’m glad I didn’t marry any of my exes because they would definitely still all be exes!

I don’t own a house, I rent, but it’s HA so affordable and mine forever if it needs to be.

But yes that’s a good way of looking at it. I don’t think he’ll change his mind so the best solution here would be for me to get over it rather than bring it up.

I do say that! It is true.

He’s not perfect for you if he doesn’t share your hopes and dreams eg marriage.

Equally he’s always been honest about not wanting marriage so he’d be reasonable to get annoyed at you now saying it’s a big deal. My friend has been with a man who didn’t want marriage or children for about 12 years. He was honest from the off and she said she accepted it but they break up about once a year when she decides she does want those things and won’t stay with him. By the end of the day she worries she won’t find do someone else and he’s a good catch so they get bs k together. It’s awful to watch. It’s also not really relevant to your situation, sorry, but it’s what came to mind when I read your post. Tricky for both of you.

I honestly don’t think I’ve got it in me to go. I guess I don’t have to, DP will though and I’d imagine he’ll he best man (much to his joy 🤣), so I’d be spending most of the day by myself, or with his family members asking me when it’s my turn. I just can’t. I think I’ll be busy with something very important that weekend.

I definitely think you should have the conversation but I think you need a degree of openness in the conversation where you are willing to face the disappointment of the result not being your fully desired outcome but you still are very open ad honest about how you feel. You don’t need to swallow your feelings, you get to speak them out but equally it is okay if he feels differently. You sound like a strong person, you have obviously had to overcome things in the past and that will help you here too.

So we kind of had a conversation. He says that getting married is pointless, and organising a wedding would be really stressful and all the politics about who to invite etc. I replied (and I genuinely mean it) that it doesn’t have to be, and we don’t have to have people there. I think I’m quite similar to him in that the idea of going through all that would be my idea of hell, honestly it’s not the wedding part I want, if I could skip that and go straight to being married I would.

But that’s all a moot point because I don’t think he’s going to budge. I can tell he sees that I’m upset and hurting, and he feels bad, but there’s not much he can say without asking me to marry him, which he’s not going to. He’s been super lovely (more lovely than usual) the last couple of days which I guess is him trying to make it better in his own way, even though I’ve been a bit moody and distant with him.

I am trying to get past it all. When I’m on my own I am having regular little cries and trying to let it all out. It’s pathetic really. I felt a bit similar to this when my best friend got married about 10 years ago. I guess marriage means more to me than I ever realised, and it’s coming to terms with the fact that’s not happening for me, ever. Because if it’s a choice staying with him and not being married or leaving him in the hope I’ll find someone to marry, it would be the first one all day long.

But this is going to be the gift that keeps on giving for me, emotionally as his DB and his GF go through the whole process. It’s going to be really tough. If I avoid the wedding everyone will be asking DP why, and I reckon it could be a bit obvious why. But if I go I know I won’t cope with it well. Although maybe by then I’ll have made my peace with the situation.

I’m so sorry OP.
I was in this situation. I left the country.

Permanently or just to dodge the wedding?

Yanbu!
I think you can skip the wedding if you're still feeling too raw when it comes around. Just report a case of food poisoning or something.

I think you did well to discuss with your DP and you might need to share your feelings on it again with him. Do look after yourself though.

If it's making you this sad, maybe you need to break up with him.
It doesn't sound like you're on the same page at all.

Definitely skip the wedding! And if your partner puts any pressure on you, tell him he can't have it both ways. You accept that he's not going to compromise on what you want. But you're not going to compromise by putting yourself in a situation where people make you feel uncomfortable. His reaction to that will be interesting.

I think it's time to stand up for yourself a little in this relationship. You seem to have an extremely low opinion of yourself. He wouldn't be with you if you didn't have a lot to offer him, and it sounds as though he's in danger taking that for granted. I don't mean by that that he owes you marriage. He definitely doesn't. But you don't have to make this upcoming wedding more comfortable for him. In fact, you definitely shouldn't.

Choices have consequences. You don't have to attach a load of emotion to that. Just do what's best for you under these particular circumstances. Goodness knows, he does what's best for him every single day of the year.

I think you need to really examine what it is about marriage that affects you so much.
Do you feel insecure in your relationship at some level and think that being married will mean your relationship won't end?

Marriages end all the time & having a big wedding or even a small intimate one is no more guarantee of "forever" than not having one.
With respect, your DP has always been open about his feelings around marriage and I think you are being unreasonable to now want him to change. If you force him into it it's likely to be a disaster.

You really have two choices - to accept that you are with a man who won't marry you but who is a good guy in other ways or end it because marriage is a deal breaker for you.

And I think not going to the brother's wedding is a bit immature really. It won't improve or change the situation and isn't related to your relationship.
I think you need to suck it up and go, particularly if you decide to stay in your relationship, because it comes across as sulky & emotionally manipulative towards your DP to stay away.

Sending a huge hug 💐. I think you've got a really good bloke there who just doesn't want to get married and I wouldn't LTB over that! You've had a recent talk and he's been quite firm about no marriage (and his reasons are as valid as yours). It sounds as though he is very caring and totally smitten but.....and I think he won't change his mind (or be happy if he does). I'd refuse all wedding invites and tell him the reason but support him in going. Off tangent, would it help if you saw more of him? Are there plans, when your DC are older, to move in together/nearer? Big hug 💐

I’m sorry but this relationship is on his terms. He has all the power here. Marriage is important to you. It’s the commitment that you need and if he wants to stay with you he should commit to you in the way you need. At the moment you are willing to settle to stay with him and have him up on a pedestal. That’s not a great position to be in with a man and if I were you I would get out of it as soon as I could.

And it sounds as if you have low self esteem to me and being in this relationship is only going to worsen that because you don’t see yourself as good enough for a man to marry you and he is only reinforcing that view by not marrying you.

OP, I mean this quite kindly but you are out of your mind.

You’re risking your entire relationship with a man who apparently makes you happy, for a piece of paper. You don’t live together, how would that work if you were married?

If you continue to show him how unhappy you are resentment is just going to build on both sides.

Is this the hill you’re willing to die on? Is it THAT important? Would you rather be alone and single than with him and unmarried?

I would also be there at a very important family gathering by his side, because that’s what a partner would do. If you don’t you’re relegating yourself to the category of sometime girlfriend.

I was married for 21 years, now divorced and in a great relationship but would never ever get married again.

Agree with every word.

OP, I think if you dont go to the wedding, it sounds manipulative and if I was your partner, I would be rethinking my relationship.

I am astounded that you're considering leaving him because he doesn't want to get married when you say this about him. Marriage isn't important, it really isn't. It doesn't define your relationship.

I’m not sure marriage is necessarily the answer, I think you’ve just reached a stage where you need more commitment. It’s great this non conforming relationship has worked for you so far, but I think you’re just getting to a stage where you want more. Perhaps that’s living together? Anyway rather than solutionising I think you need to sit him down and talk about how you’re feeling.

Does your DP object to marriage as a concept or does he just think it's a waste of time and money for a bit of paper?
I wanted to get married my (then) DP didn't really see the point as we were already totally committed to each other. He wasn't anti-marriage, he just didn't think it would change anything.
But he saw how much it meant to me so we got married. (Tiny wedding but perfect). He did it for me, to make me happy, because me being happy has always been the most important thing to him (and vice versa).
I think you need to talk to him and ask why he doesn't want to get married. And then you need to ask him (and yourself) if those reasons justify you being left feeling the way you are . They may do but you won't know until you ask.

@GreenEyed1981
Actually there wasn't a sibling wedding at that time yet, but I was in a similar situation to OP feeling heartbroken that it wouldn't happen for me.
Permanently - to reduce the pain from the break up with the distraction and distance.

See I get that but also by the same token he didn't want to get married so why didn't YOU love him enough to accept HIS view?

Doesn't it work both ways?