How do I get through this?

[GreenEyed1981]

I know I’m probably being really daft and need to have a word with myself but I am feeling really sad right now.

I’ve been with my DP over 5 years. I’ve never doubted that he’s the one for me, he’s amazing, kind, funny and it just works. We met quite randomly and it’s always been a LDR - for various reasons he has to work about 5 hours away from where I live, so I only see him at weekends and when he’s in between contracts. We don’t officially live together but basically when he’s not at work he’s here.

I’ve never had a reason to post about him before, but what’s going on at the moment is a couple of weeks ago his brother and brother’s girlfriend got engaged. I’ve only had to meet the gf a few times and she’s been very competitive about how perfect their relationship is, I’ve just let her witter on (whilst knowing from my DP the amount of moaning his brother does about her!). They moved in together quite quickly, and they’ve been together 2 years.

I would marry my DP in a heartbeat, but he’s always been adamant he doesn’t want to get married. In one sense I don’t blame him, he’s got far more money than me, I’m a single parent (although DC grown up/nearly grown up). There’s not really anything in it for him. He’s very shy and I think he finds the idea of getting married and being the centre of attention horrifying. And to be honest I’ve never really seen it as a dealbreaker. But now the news of his brother’s engagement has kind of broken me. I feel really sad that I’ll never be married (I’m mid forties now). And it will be so painful having to go to the wedding and have all his family saying “so when is DP going to ask you” etc (which will definitely happen, it wouldn’t be the first time!). And we’ve been together twice as long as they have. I really don’t want to go, but I don’t think it’s something I can easily get out of.

Honestly I’m struggling to get past this, but what’s the solution? Either give him an ultimatum and force him to marry me against his will, which isn’t quite what I imagined anyway. Or leave him and probably be on my own forever as I don’t think I have it in me to start again. He is the most perfect person I’ve ever found, and I don’t think I’d be that lucky again, especially at my age.

At the moment I’m being a bit moody and weird with him because I’m struggling to process this, and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He’s been nothing but lovely and kind to me and my DC for the last 5+ years.

His family sound awful. Who on earth goes on and on about marriage all the time? Millions of people round the world aren't married. It's not that big a deal these days, and millions more are divorced.

It just is none of their business.

I think if you've had 6 amazing years with him, he's great with the kids and travels to you all the time and you want to carry on with him, I'd stop going to the weddings/family events/places where people ask you about marriage and then just get on with life.

Can I also say that if it's likely you will inherit in the future, it's probably better if you are not married. Your children will then inherit from you (you could get around this by making a will after marriage, but the easiest way is to keep the status quo).

I like the idea of being married again, but could live with not doing it, I don't see the point in collapsing a perfectly good relationship with a guy you love and he loves you all over this external pressure.

I suspect the issue is that you feel not good enough and him not marrying is like a signal of that to you, whereas I don't think that's the signal he's sending. Many people, especially men I've noticed, are very stubborn and just don't want to marry these days, not for financial reasons, they almost seem to think it will jinx everything.

I would see if you can write all this out (try emotional writing techniques) and get your own brain around not getting married and start to see the benefits. Announce to him you are over it, you don't want to marry now you come to think of it and you've realised it would be better for the children. Take the pressure off. Live your lives. Then, in the future, if when you are much older and still together, for tax reasons you want to marry, do so.

Your talk about you being not eligible and won't find anyone else is rubbish though, people over 40 do find partners!

ive only read your posts and replies OP so this may already have been said…..

One thing that jumped out at me from your posts was you saying that you feel like you need marriage to feel like you’ve been chosen / are wanted / are good enough. It’s almost like you think marriage will prove you’re good enough for him or as a sign of how much he loves you and is committed.

FWIW I’ve been married previously- quite an abusive marriage at times (emotionally). I now have the best DP ever, similar to how you feel about your. I love him more than I’ve loved anyone including my exH but I have zero intentions of ever getting married again.

i love him more than the man i married.

i enjoy spending my life with him more than i did the man i married.

He’s kinder, more supportive and a better match for me than the man I married.

I’m more attracted to him than the man I married.

you get the point…..

but what im saying is, marriage isn’t necessarily a measure of your love or commitment to someone. It doesn’t prove your worth or prove that you’ve been “chosen” or are wanted.

I agree with PP’s that it would seem crazy to throw such a good relationship away over this. But i absolutely understand you wanting clarity on a longer term plan - perhaps that’s the compromise? Would that make you feel more secure in the relationship?

Why can't you tell him what you wrote here, that you'd marry him in a heart beat, the engagement has bought up lots of feelings, you can understand if he finds the fuss embarrassing and would he ever consider a small wedding or even just the two of you, say what you feel, talk to him, no ultimatums.

Is it that easy though? To just stop going to every single family event, and never visit his side of the family again? I guess I could do that but in itself that’s not great for our relationship, and I really enjoy seeing them. They totally welcomed me into the fold and I think that’s partly why there’s been so much talk of it on this visit, because we’ve been together nearly 6 years now, they like me and they’d like to see us married. And of course because we have been eclipsed by the sibling’s engagement.

I think you’re right that he is stubborn and thinks that maybe getting married will jinx things, he isn’t seeing anything wrong with the way things are, so why change them?

You’re right that it’s external pressures, if it was just me and him on a desert island I wouldn’t give marriage a second thought, and probably wouldn’t be this upset about it if it wasn’t for his brother and gf’s engagement. But we live in the real world and these pressures will keep coming.

I think maybe I need counselling, I’ve had relationship counselling on my own before to work through stuff and it was really helpful. It might help me find a way forward.

To be fair to him, he’s always been clear about how he feels about getting married. But I’ve always been clear that I would like to. And his reasons have been pretty flimsy, eg “it’s gay”, “everyone who is married is miserable” etc. They’re obviously not the REAL reasons but I don’t know what they are.

I get what you’re saying, but I’ve never been married or had that experience, and I would like to. I nearly did once, but called it off, thank god because that would have been a disaster.

I think in some ways he has been trying to reassure and prove to me that he’s in it for the long haul, eg buying the car, talking about where we’ll live in the future, talking about businesses we could run when he no longer does his current work. He’s not a big talker (unless it’s about total nonsense 🤣), so I think this is his way of expressing his feelings.

I have told him I don’t want a big wedding, as small as possible would be great, but I don’t think he believes me and with the size of his family there’s no such thing as small. Ideally I would elope abroad or just go to the register office without telling anyone, but he’s very skeptical that I mean that (I do!). I pointed out that one of his siblings did that, and he said that that’s because it was their second wedding, but that wouldn’t be ok for a first wedding. But again, that’s just him finding excuses not to do it.

You appear to have a lovely man with a great relationship. This may sound harsh but if you keep pushing you will push him away. He has told you he does not want to marry. You have to decide if you can live with it.

Someone in the earlier part of the thread made a post about him being a "low connection" guy and that his needs of a relationship do not match yours.

My concern for you here is that, that is true. Like he enjoys being the weekend partner and doing the couple & family stuff with you.

But he's just as happy stepping out of that when he goes home.

I feel like you're running the risk that when you are free to move to him (or "near" him? 🤔 ) he won't actually want or cope with that.

This.
If you choose to stay with him OP, don't do it because you feel you couldn't find someone else.
You sound like you're settling tbh.
His opinion isn't more valid than yours. He's got the right to not want to marry, and you've got the right to move on and give yourself a chance to find someone who's open to marriage if it's important to you.
Only you truly know how much of a deal-breaker this is for you. As someone who went through a 7 year low connection LDR - I don't recommend it - whatever you do, trust your gut and only stay if your heart's really in it. Don't settle x

If you were to marry how would that work? Would you still live separately indefinitely?
You are - quite rightly - not willing to sacrifice your current life and children’s life to move to him and he can’t sacrifice his career so it sounds like both of you are in a holding pattern.
Would this be something to come back to in the future when you are both in a different place?

By not getting married he can walk away when he feels like it with no complications. If you're really unhappy with the current situation then only you can decide what to do next.

He's not a fucking bellend at all for not wanting to get married. Despite you downplaying it as just "one thing", marriage is actually a very serious legal commitment. This man risks a lot in the event of a divorce. He's got assets whereas the OP rents, has children and apparently cant buy her own car. He would be financially very foolish to get married.
Is the OP also not a bellend by your rules if she won't give her partner this "one thing" i.e. not getting married?

I’m not sure I understand. This is how you feel. Telling him that isn’t an ultimatum, it’s asking him to hear your feelings and the reasons for them and to support you whilst it’s difficult for you. You aren’t saying, marry me now or else, you’re just saying, this situation makes me feel sad, you’re my partner please listen to me. Sure, it’s some of his stuff too but if the situation were reversed wouldn’t you want to understand what’s going on? He doesn’t necessarily have a solution that works for you but maybe if you explain, at least he will make the brother’s wedding day easier for you.

Op you have a part time relationship with a man you’ve put on a pedestal. There doesn’t seem to be a future here yes he may talk about the future but that’s all it is talk and you’d be foolish to listen.

He’s got everything his own way and won’t budge. You know that if everything is on a man’s terms then he’s not really that into you. You know this but you’d rather listen to everyone who’s scared to be alone telling you to not risk losing a man. Never be scared of losing a man. That’s how he stays on that pedestal you’ve put him on. He’s just a man! There are millions of them out there!

Don’t believe the misogynistic bs that now you are mid 40s no one will want you. It’s not true and you deserve someone who wants the same future as you.

He’s getting something from you on HIS terms. He’s not willing to consider what you want so stop giving him what he wants on HIS terms. It really is that simple.

And honestly I think his family were taking the piss out of you. They know he’s not going to marry you.

For the record I could have bought my own car - not as nice as the one he bought, but I could have bought one.

You’re correct that as it stands he would have a lot more to lose by marrying me, although as I said that would even out one day. However, his brother who is getting married is in a pretty much identical situation he earns the exact same as DP, and his gf is in a very similar situation to me in that she lives in a rented house, and doesn’t earn masses, although she has more DC than me. But he’s chosen to marry her. My dad was from a very wealthy family but chose to marry my mum, who had nothing. It does happen, although I can also understand DP not wanting to do that. I honestly don’t think that’s the reason he doesn’t want to though.

im Getting divorced. Marriage is no guarantee that you are together until the end. I would love to find a long term partner but could not see the point in marrying anyone again. I can see the point when intending to bring children into the world but beyond that it really is just a piece of paper. (Other than the inheritance tax thing)

I definitely need to tell him how I’m feeling, and why I don’t want to go to the family event coming up, although I don’t see how he’ll be able to make the brother’s wedding any easier for me. I’m not sure what the resolution of that conversation could be though.

I think what I’m looking for is the feeling of being safe and secure - I spent a large part of my life feeling anything but (as in scared for my life kind of unsafe), and marriage would help that feeling of being secure. I have no reason to doubt his feelings for me, it would be a lot handier for him not to drive 5/6 hours each way every weekend and just stay where he is, and he’s always absolutely stuck to his word on things. He is always thinking of me and finding ways to make my life easier. Maybe that should be enough, and I’m being unrealistic.

A wedding is far more than a day being the centre of attention. And it does not need to be that at all.

Marriage is stability. If something were to happen to either of you without a very comprehensive and airtight will or a wedding certificate. It would be financially awful for the other. In the UK there are tax implications even should you inherit that will cost a fair amount of an estate.

If your husband is shy and does not want a wedding then dont have a wedding but that does not mean you cant still get married.
I have an absolutly enormous family. To the point that we all have to activly plan for which weddings we can attend as there are some years with several weddings and cost, time off work, overseas travel all become an issue.

So some in the family have done small ceremonies. My aunt got married in secret and only her kids knew. My sisters just got married in a registry office and is planning on having a bit of a party later this year. Again only her kids and our mum plus two witnesses were there. The witnesses were people she works with as they are local.

To both of them what they wanted especially having been married before. Was just the security it brings. My aunt was past retirement age and worked out that without being married when either of them passes the other would lose out and the government would gain from inheritance tax greater than it would being married.

Maybe your partner can look at it like that?

You can get married without it being a big thing just a you two and a couple of witnesses ask him again.

Someone upthread said, therapy to work through your own feelings and think about where they originate. And what you just said, that you want to feel safe and secure, might be a good place to start. Why don’t you feel so now? Is marriage the only answer to
you? Therapy might help you work out some answers.

Also I envisaged either you not going to the wedding but with his blessing, or him taking the responsibility of dealing with what are to you difficult questions.

I'm wondering if he's 'the one' for you, but you're a practice run for him.

If he just gives silly 'funny' answers as to why he doesn't want to marry, maybe the big reason is he doesn't want to marry you - that he doesn't see you as his forever person.

It's not that unusual for there to be a break-up of long-term relationships, one of whom never wanted to marry, for them to end up marrying the next partner.

OP kindly, you are choosing to stay with a man who is hurting you. You've made many references to how often you cry about this. You were choking back the tears with his family.

You said
I’m either going to stay with him and feel upset/hurt/unbearably sad about him not wanting to marry me for the rest of my life

This works for him. He's happy with a long distance relationship that has no chance of being more than weekends and time between contracts. Conveniently. he can't move from his work and your children are too young for you to move.

This buys him a few more years of not having to commit. By that point you'll probably be a decade deep into this arrangement. I wouldn't bank on him wanting to change things at that point either to be honest.

I am conscious that this could carry on for another 5 years or more without anything changing. I am fed up with doing life largely on my own. Had some stressful news this week and he’s not here, so again I’m dealing with that with no support. Some space over the last few days has clarified to me that if he can’t commit to me then he’s not the one. I think I need to have a last conversation with him and spell out what I want and why it’s important, and if he still sticks to his guns then I need to be prepared to walk.