Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

Do NOT give this man any money. Prepare for hints about ‘important work’ redolent of MI5 or 6. It’s coming. All this chat do early on and you considering him seriously at all is highly likely to be part of his vetting process for someone he can walk all over at best or attempt to scam at worst.

As a former Forces wife I'd say that it can be lonely and tough at times. You do have to be independent and self reliant. In my experience some partners cannot cope with the separation and the lifestyle. It depends upon your personality and mindset - and if you want that type of relationship OP. It isn't for all.

OH wasn't in the Army, but we didn't see a culture of men blindly following others doing stupid things or misogyny and racism. Maybe in his branch he was lucky?

Environmental biology. Really not all that exciting. But conducted all over the world, including places where it is safest to be sent to stay on a base.

And again, I’ve stayed on UK based with UK soldiers as well as US. There is no difference in behaviour. I worked for the UK.

Refuse to engage? I’ve replied to every one I’ve seen. Their opinion is that it doesn’t happen. My actual knowledge is that it does, because I’ve been there. They haven’t.

I don’t know why you’re so set on the military being some beacon of morality, it isn’t. It just isn’t. The reason there are such high numbers of prostitutes near military bases should give you a clue to the men’s behaviour.

Infidelity in the military is much higher than in the general population. That’s literally a fact. The “wife at home, girl on base” is as common as muck.

I don’t know what else to say to you. When women come on here and discuss their experiences when at work, people tend to believe it. But anyone who says military men tend to cheat is shouted down by a bunch of very naive women.

You’ll maybe be able to see him once in their long weekend during phase one training and then sporadically during phase 2 training as he could realistically be sent anywhere for that part. It suited me fine when I was younger and working on building my career but now with children I wouldn’t want to be going through training again.

My career hasn’t been impacted but I also only see my husband on weekends which impacts our children. I’m not sure I’d want to impact my children like that if I didn’t have to.

Feels like the posters convinced that he's lying must have skipped this post where the OP says the "active combat" thing is a detail she changed so as not to be outing (and her other post where she mentions the many other people who've vouched for him).

Have seen this on many threads - OP changes details so as not to be outing, inevitably doesn't realise the details she's made up don't ring true, posters jump on that as evidence the man is lying.

@Bobiverse The point is it's not helpful to tell OP not to see this man based in your experience of the Army. If all women followed your advice, no one would ever marry anyone in the Forces (or Army.)

Infidelity in the military is much higher than in the general population. That’s literally a fact. The “wife at home, girl on base” is as common as muck.

According to some google stat you found from US veterans maybe 40 years ago?

The rate of infidelity if you want to bandy stats about is about 60% across the population. There are all sorts of stats and experiences - some say the police are the worst, you say it's the Army.

So maybe no one should marry at all? And also when 40% of marriage end in divorce, why bother?

What's difficult about your posts is that you don't seem to want to believe the women who say their partners are faithful. That doesn't fit with what you claim to have seen so you tell them they are naive or stupid or both.

You have hit it off really well with this guy. However, further commitment to him would require alot of sacrifice and compromise on you part whilst very little sacrifice on his side. Those behaviours could quite easily become ingrained into the relationship, where you find that you are always the one making sacrifices.

You're also in a honeymoon period and will have no idea how you function as a couple living together until quite far into a relationship (with him being away for so long). You might then discover that you're not as compatible as you thought and you'll have wasted precious years, which will impact your plans for having more children.

There are men out there that you will equally hit it off with but won't require such huge sacrifices. You just haven't found them yet. Don't be fooled into thinking this is the only guy for you and thus you have to bend over backwards for him.

you are just at the beginning of a relationship so don't get ahead of yourself.

How old is he?

and these days the trailing spouse doesn't need to trail at all and can have a career of their own if they want. It's not like it was when i grew up as an army brat.

Every woman who has ever posted on here after finding out about her husband’s affair says the same thing - “I never thought he’d do this, I never suspected anything, he’s bit who I thought he was.”

Go and read all the cheating husband threads. Wife always says she would never have believed it until he got caught.

So no… I’m not going to believe the wives who say “not my Nigel.” Not when I’ve been there, to several different places, and seen what goes on.

I really don’t know what your problem is. I’ve shared my actual lived experience. Some wives saying “my husband would never cheat” really isn’t up to much, and doesn’t make me think “gosh, I must have imagined it all.”

You believe what you want. Military wives can believe what they want. I’ll make my decisions and give advice based on what I’ve actually lived, just like everyone else can. I’m sorry you’ve taken such exception to the fact that men in the military cheat.

I’ve answered your points, you just keep repeating the same thing because you don’t like it.

You don’t believe “science” is done by women staying on a base, you don’t believe the other women posting here about their husbands in the military cheating and taking photos of it or of prostitution lists. You don’t believe me (a woman) saying I saw what they were doing.

So, you do you. Good luck with your army husband. I won’t respond to you again:

Exactly !!!!

@gannett

Feels like the posters convinced that he's lying must have skipped this post where the OP says the "active combat" thing is a detail she changed so as not to be outing (and her other post where she mentions the many other people who've vouched for him)

Fair point but it's just not the "active combat" claim that's raising eyebrows with some.

For example age on joining rules out most but TBF not all roles and even for UK nationals there used to be a requirement for a significant period of residency in the UK before joining, though that may have changed.

It might all be above board but If I was in the OPs shoes I'd certainly be cautious about at least some of the claims.

Quite. If anything you shouldn't even have to do your own one. The employer usually does it. But as you say it takes a few minutes.

Anyway OP, I think you're thinking way to much into a new relationship. Enjoy it for what it is, have fun when he comes home and just see where it goes. It's a long time until you have to decide whether the life of an army wife is for you.

Someone I know dumped his gf of 2 years when he joined the army for another gf he met in the army, there’s plenty of females that join, a lot of them get together as they spend a lot of time on camp and all socialise. I think even with best intentions, it would be very hard to make work especially being a new relationship rather than married and making it work, temptations and just being apart for long periods without much contact because especially in the first phase, he won’t have the time to call you much.

Sadly, in my experience during my time in service it's usually the middle aged guys who are the worse. As a women on camp and serving on Ops, it was always an eye opener to see how quickly men with families would cheat. Always with the mantra 'what goes on tour stays on tour'.

Many would have wives and kids at home, with the pictures on their desk and in their accommodation, whilst they had a GF on the side.

I was sat in the office one day, open plan office, and there was a guy on the phone to his wife explaining that he had been selected to go on Op tour again and his wife was obviously upset as he was trying to placate her, explaining why it was so unfair that he kept getting selected. What she didn't know was that he kept volunteering to be deployed because it was more exciting and he could do what he liked (cheat). He was brazen about why he kept chosing to volunteer.

In my experience, the vast majority were cheating whether opportunistic or a second relationship. It was absolutely rife and was only frowned upon when actively brought out into the open (wife found out and called the CO or caught by another means). Senior officers were also notorious for it! quite a few ended up in the red top newspapers as examples but it was widely ignored.

The younger guys tend to not be married with kids so got themselves into different scrapes! most were quite open about seeing a few girls at the same time and just saw it as par for the course. I could tell you stories that would make you blush about what they got upto at block parties, mostly because I was the Duty Officer who had to sort it out afterwards 😂

I'm inclined to agree with what you said about the military being an excuse.

It's been an excuse used by men time and time again over the years to have a convenient "out" for a relationship they're no longer interested in, or one that has got too intense, too quick. Or even for men who do actually join the military in order to play the field some more while they're away...

Does he claim he's actually got a place to move away to training on X date, or is he all, "Oh, I'm thinking about applying..."??

And you say this man is in his 30s...? That's OLD to be a new recruit. He'll be bedding down with lads in their late teens. Dorm living is no life for a man his age!

Obviously there are going to be military men that cheat, but to suggest that all of them are doing that is ridiculous.

If anything I think it makes them less likely to look for an escape from the boring mundane day-to-day life as they are getting adrenaline from other things!

Aside from that, cheating is rife in many 9-5 jobs. Granted they may have more opportunity to do so & to get away with it, but I am of the opinion that if someone wants to cheat or is that way inclined they will find a way to do so. Being in the military or a civvy is unlikely to be the deciding factor in whether or not a man cheats on his wife 🙄

For men over 30 the only way to join the Army is as an Officer.
Not a squaddie- too old for that.

So, presumably he's degree level or some other professional whose skills are considered valuable.

He can only join as an officer as a man in his mid 30s.

He possibly won't be bedding down with the lads who are 16

urgh.
When we used to get back off exercise with their disgusting, sexist, pigs of husbands, stinking to high heaven because they hadn't showered for 3 weeks, we used to get accused of trying to fuck their husbands.

FGS.

Men cheat. Women cheat. Women don't join the army to get off with soldiers.

You really are wound up by this.

I’ve answered your points, you just keep repeating the same thing because you don’t like it.

Bang on!
You're right- you do!

I'm not asking you anything only what your role was where you went into army bases.

I'm old enough to be your Mum, have lived all over, far more life experience and don't agree with a lot you say. But carry on getting cross if you want to just because someone doesn't see eye to eye with you.

And please stop making things up. Where did I say I didn't 'believe' women worked in science? I asked exactly what you did.

And yet again, I am not married to a soldier! Or anyone else in the Forces. Hilarious.

Yep, as I recall it it was only allowed for really niche roles (padre, medical, dental etc) where they brought in specialist qualifications

They did a very abbreviated joining course that didn't involve much if any of the really physical stuff those destined for more warlike roles enjoyed..

It was known as the Knives and Forks course because it was basically just an induction into Mess life and how to function in the military. It was very short.

So they got shorter courses and thr medical staff got more pay, it was a good deal for them!

Screw your head back on.

Read about recruitment - it's rare for the military to take older people on, unless he has a very particular set of skills. Have you asked him?

The military prefer young meat - you can apply as a 15 year old child and go in at 16. Men his age are considering retirement.

People who pretend military service are sometimes called Walts after the fantasist character Walter Mitty. 'Stolen valour' is another term.

I agree ...

Do NOT give him any money.

Do NOT believe any mysterious tales of MI5 contact, secret missions, unexplained absences.

It is possible he could be a priest, some kind of medic, a doctor, teacher (military bands?) or mental health professional who is joining as an Officer - the only roles for people over 30.

It also wouldn't make sense for him to lie if he said OP could visit him at the base at weekends.

If he wanted to end their contact, he'd just end it now.