Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

@ITIgnoramus

Are you going to start in on this poster too? With all your life experience (though evidently you’ve no experience on a base).

What you say is logical to a degree but not true in reality. The military environment is particularly unique in being a situation in which cheating is rife due to the nature of the job.

The culture is geared around doing exciting things and the adrenaline leads to more social events to channel the energy, usually with a lot of alcohol, which lowers inhibitions.

Add in being away from home regularly, with your own accommodation and it does feel like a different existence outside of normal civvie life. Like two lives running in parallel.

Also, when you are on Op tour a lot of things you do are very dangerous and potentially life threatening which can create a live for now kind of feel. It's a way of balancing fear and stress when you can't escape it until you've finished your tour. In Iraq and Afghanistan, so many people were just trying to find ways to connect because their families at home couldn't really understand what was going on and what you had to deal with on a daily basis. Many used it as a way to get through.

So it is very different from other walks of life and probably difficult to explain.

A lot of wives did resent us being on tour with their husbands as they thought we were their GF or knew who was. So as a woman it was a difficult position to be in when you just want to get on with your career and not get dragged into the antics.
One wife said to me drunkenly at a social event ' you'd tell me if he cheated wouldn't you??'.

I think a lot of wives knew and turned a blind eye or just thought their husband couldn't and wouldn't do that so didn't want to think about it.

tbh i had no time for insecure wives - i used to say "ffs lady, look at the state of that. No thank you"

(but then one threw a punch at me for saying that so - that was fun)

I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

If this is what you want for your life, a military spouse who is looking at roles in combat is not the man who can give you that.

Basic alone will kick his ass. It kicks the ass of men at their fittest in their late teens and 20s. It's designed to break people down.

Deployment to a combat zone means you don't see him for however long his tour lasts. You could be having a baby all by yourself. He could get injured or killed.

He will be changing duty stations every so often. That comes with a big move.

You have a child who isn't used to frequent moves and the instability that comes with military life. They will likely have a ton of difficulty adjusting to the lifestyle. Even kids who grow up in it have difficulty.

If you stay in your area, you won't see this guy very often. Military life and a long distance relationship just isn't compatible

If he wants combat, he's a thrill seeker.

There's a lot of red flags this guy is throwing up. You've barely been dating and you're both talking long term. That's love bombing. You have a kid. Be smart and take this one super slow because you're not going to get the long term live together relationship with kids you want unless you give up your career and follow him from station to station with your kid along for the ride.

This is part of the laying of the foundation of the lie ….
you can visit !
oh sorry love, things are come up, it’ll be next month …..
problem with my wages coming through …
really to ask my darling but …
it’s not working out here - I’m being targeted, the other lads are jealous of the great feedback I’m getting …
oh, I’ll need somewhere to stay while I’ll getting myself sorted out …
sorry I’m an arsehole - it’s just that you don’t understand how you seem to wind me up all the time … it’s my PTSD. It’s not my fault … you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me ….

this is the script ladies !!!
watch out !!!⚠️

Does the UK currently have any active combat zones?

It took him a long time to fill out due to checking all the addresses he lived at while abroad and he was fretting whether he had listed them correctly as he was worried one small mistake would mean he wouldn't pass.

I'm ex military, so is DH.

Military people do cheat a lot, I hate to say it. BUT it's mainly because of the opportunity. I wouldn't say those that stay home cheat a lot, I wouldn't say that's worse than any other team going on a night out. The cheating generally happens on exercise/Ops...

Also, I can spot a cheater in civilian life, and in the military, the bad boys, the ones that love themselves a bit too much. There ARE good guys in the military (I married one and have plenty of military male friends who would honestly never cheat).

So yes it's higher, but if you've got a good guy you'll be fine. If you know you're attracted to the bad boy, the arrogant ones, the ones always in the gym, the ones you want to 'fix'... then it won't turn out very well for you! Good Luck Op. I'm very happy with my military man.

Why would he need to do that? He can just ghost her. She isn't his wife

But what would be the point of lying to me is my point? He knew I fancied him and think it would have been quite clear if he wanted a casual thing I'd have been probably ok with that too. Most guys in my generation I've met who just want a casual thing, just tell you, in my experience. Why make up a long-winded complicated story? Also the risk of me easily finding out it wasn't true via our mutual contacts.

He told me very quickly on the first date how he'd liked me for a long time, he liked a lot about my personality and was very attracted to me. It was clear he saw me as a long-term prospect, but then said he wanted me to know upfront that he'd just been accepted and was starting training in a month, so that he wanted me to know before things went any further and said to ask him as many questions as I liked. He said he understood it'd be a big ask to try and continue things but he thought he could see it working.

He's a very nice, polite and considerate guy and known as a nice person at work and with his friends with solid principles. He's been nothing but gentlemanly in all of our interactions. I've been lied to in the past and there are certain red flags I look for. But the obsession with the idea he's making this up is baffling me and detracting from the actual question.

This is all true, but we're not in combat zones at the moment, so it's actually quite safe right now. It's far more dangerous becoming a police officer. Zero combat deaths last year.

Some women can't imagine a guy who would genuinely like them enough to want to give it a shot long distance.

He seems very concerned about my feelings in all of our interactions and very emotionally aware/empathetic.

The mention of cheating is concerning me to be honest. I mean if I'm totally honest I'd worry about myself as well! I work in scenarios where I meet a lot of men and although I've not met someone at work yet, there are always opportunities on work trips and if I hadn't seen my husband for months or felt resentment for leaving me with everything.... I worry about that just as much. I don't and wouldn't seek it out but I can see how certain conditions could be conducive both ways.

He seems like a good guy but you never know.

Keep him as a pen pal but this isn't relationship material is it really?

If I had met the love of my life, I wouldn't be going off to the military.

As Xtina said, 'they say if you love something let it go. If it comes back, it's yours, that's how you know.'

Look I find this guy very hot. I would have been quite happy to bang him (sorry/not-sorry) without talking about relationships, it's a happy coincidence that actually it seems like there could be more and he's super nice. He didn't need to make something up to get any action.

We got together after he was well into the process

He didn't tell me where he'd be deployed, just where the base was for training, and where the permanant base is for this division.

Is that all he had to do - give the addresses he had lived at abroad? Nothing else pertaining to living abroad?

But he hasn't started yet, he starts next month. He could jack it in.

I think the logistics of this are going to make the relationship impossible. It's really REALLY hard to have a LDR even when you're young and unencumbered (I know from experience), I simply can't see this working when you have a child, a career, and a preferred place of living where you have your support group. It would be mad for you to give up or jeopardise your career to follow him. This would also be a really bad thing for your child - I've known many many military brats (as they call themselves) and most of them have serious problems as adults because they feel so different from mainstream society and they are so unrooted.

I mean, you can try to keep this thing going but the odds are really stacked up against success. And all the time and effort you expend on this relationship is also time and effort you're not putting into more feasible and ultimately more fulfilling relationships.

You seem to have a strong dose of limerence, be careful that it doesn't run away with your head. This bloke is not the only one out there who you can connect well with.

Men like to do this stuff anyway regardless of how much of a done deal you might be. It’s a power move.

I've looked it up and it stacks up to what he told me which is that the oldest age to join this division is 35, he's 34. Actually says to join as an officer the max age is 29 so seems the other way round to what you said: https://jobs.army.mod.uk/how-to-join/can-i-apply/age/

He has got a degree but I didn't get the impression he would be starting on the officer stream.

Operational Security reasons mostly.

Back in the early days of Afghanistan, I remember having a crackly, 5 min phone call once a week via shitty satellite phone 🫠 Because mobile phones can be hacked, and all it takes is one loose-lipped soldier or spouse to put every single person on that deployment in danger.
It’s better now, but there’s still periods of time where they’ll be expected to leave their phones somewhere secure and not use them until they’re bedded down for the night.

Men with dodgy backgrounds,
been in prison,
been in trouble with police
so this
it excuses being away
it makes them feel important
it helps get ‘stolen valour’
it creates a story that women can fall for, when the truth would send them running a mile
it’s not unusual
these guys show up in health services and the victims of these blokes do too - in safeguarding