Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

A long time ago? Less than 10 years.

What is it that you find so surprising about military bases hosting non-military personal? They’re used for all sorts.

Like I said, it always strikes a nerve and military wives come running out to say it’s not true and their men don’t cheat. Think what you like. My reason for sharing is to tell the OP not to get involved. She wanted advice on getting serious with this guy. My advice is absolutely don’t do it. I know very few people who would get involved with an army guy after being on base with them.

My money would be on this being bollocks. He’s probably playing some gave to minimise your expectations of the relationship and maximising what he can get out if you in the meantime. Law of scarcity and all that. Don’t be a fool

But a dbs check isn't really paperwork is it, and it certainly wouldn't keep him 'busy'.

Focus!!

Dear god, you barely know this man.

And you're considering putting yourself and your child through the uncertainty of that life?? Yes, you'll both be trailing round after him on postings, and always wondering if he's still alive.

Is he even telling the truth?

Can you say which branch of the military he says he's joining?

You've known him a few weeks and have been awake all night posting about what ifs. Calm it down a bit. If he is joining the army he's not in a place to be starting a relationship is he really. You are coming across as rather intense tbh.

I hate to be so cynical but this is exactly what I was thinking... could he be hiding something?

So you're in your 30s and think you know everything about military life even though this was not in the Uk and wives and daughters here are telling you your opinion is bollocks? And that affairs are frowned on and dismissal is possible.

What exactly was your job?

You come up with US stats which don't apply here.
Also, those questionnaires are known to be biased; men often exaggerate the number of partners they have had, the size of their penis etc on any survey on their sex life or body.

Sure, you heard banter. Sure, men were eyeing you up as a 20-ishyear old on a base. But you're naive if you think all of that proves most men in the Forces have affairs.

And your tone towards women who don't agree is misogyny itself.

Yep..

IMO people are concentrating and continually focusing on the wrong aspects of this story..

The whole joining the armed forces bit (age, timescale) etc sound iffy as hell. As the Nick Adderly case has shown the world is sadly increasingly full of walts of various sorts, who for example were supposedly on that balcony or as a civvie actually did half a season in the Red Arrows (but of course it couldn't be publicised)...

If I was in the OPs shoes I'd be keeping my distance at least until they have proof this joining up and training has taken place....

I’m very sorry that this seems to have struck a nerve with you. Whatever you believe about your marriage is your business.

I’m only advising the OP to stay away from men in the military, especially one already bragging about going into a combat role and being sent abroad (as most don’t actually talk like that).

The most recent study on infidelity in the military was done with US veterans, so I quoted that. There are plenty of similar UK stats, but I’ve not seen a recent study so wouldn’t quote those. I doubt they are any different. I’ve been on UK and American bases. Seen no difference in behaviour. Also wasn’t me men were after; we were hopping in and out. I’m talking about locals, base workers and prostitues. It’s not hidden. Bang on all you like about it being frowned upon in policy, practice is very different. Just like every other area of government or public service. There is policy of what shouldn’t be done, then there is real world behaviour.

The other poster who said her husband’s base had a list hanging up of prostitutes to avoid due to STIs is highly accurate.

OP has a child and a career, both of which will be impacted by a relationship with someone in the military. Then the added risk of rife infidelity. It’s not worth it.

yeah this guy isn't being honest, he just wants a shag. Why bother to start dating if you're going to be moving away so soon?

He likes adventure.
Military spouse is a hard life. Dh was a military child, lots of moving about to countries at 6 months notice, then boarding school. You kind of have to go all in as a family. Its the whole family thats in the military, not just the actual person enlisted.

You hardly know him and he is about to embark on a new life that could be far away from you, just let him go

Wish someone had mentioned that to STBXHs colleagues as they posed for a picture at a party with him and his "partner" . Who incidentally was flashing a snazzy ring at the camera.

Indeed - filling it in online takes me about 10 minutes tops (I have to have them for a range of simultaneous education roles) and that's if I'm distracted!

I think making a hard decision now will save lots of heartache later on.

No, sorry, I cannot buy there are many risky combat roles available to guys in their mid 30s who have no previous military experience. He sounds like a fantasist or like he has a wife hiding somewhere.

I find it remarkable that anyone who hasn't even started basic training apparently knows where he'll be deployed. My brother was a Royal Marine in the early 90s - despite wanting to be deployed to "active combat", his first posting after completion of the 6 months training was within the UK...

You've been barely dating for a few weeks. Not even months.

I'd just tell him you've enjoyed spending time with him, wish him well and move on. This is a non-starter and a LOT of projection into the future for a relationship that has barely passed go.

Moving your life to that degree for someone who is pretty much a stranger is insane, you’re a woman in her 30s with a child to consider, not a love struck teen. You don’t know if this man is wonderful or not after a matter of weeks. Tbh I would question whether the military story is even true and he’s wanting to end the relationship. It doesn’t add up really.

I know nothing about the military. This guy could be 100% telling you the truth or 100% telling you lies, or anything in between.

It's irrelevant. The point is that you are a single mother and you need to behave responsibly towards your child. I get that you are coming to towards the end of your childbearing years and are keen to have more children, which will be clouding your judgement. But there's a huge difference between someone who meets their military spouse when they are both young and goes on to have a family with them and someone who already has a child and decides to expose that child to a life where at best their stepfather will only be around at random and unpredictable times, yet who also has to deal with the arrival of a half-brother or sister and a mother who is having to do almost everything by herself.

What responsible parent would actively choose that? I get that you have been dating him for a couple of weeks and have fallen hard for him. But if you choose to continue with this and see where it leads, you are only going to fall harder and it's going to be more painful when it inevitably ends. Or maybe it won't end because you will decide that you desire for this relationship supersedes what is best for your current and possible future children.

I was an army spouse for a fair while. I did maintain my career but it did mean even longer spells apart. Sometimes he came home for weekends and sometimes we managed to be close enough to base for him to commute daily. It was tough but worth it. He’s been out for a few years now and we’re happily settled. Sometimes it does work out.

My husband is a Naval Officer and I won't lie, it has been tough over the years. The military puts a pressure on your relationship that it's really hard to quantify or predict.

He deployed for 6 months, 3 weeks after we met - and that kind of pattern continued for a long time. He hasn't deployed for 4 years (which is the longest he's been "home" in our relationship) BUT was posted away Mon-Fri for the last 4 years instead...

We could have relocated every 2 years to follow him, but we felt the children needed stability and to stay in the same schools. I wouldn't change that personally - others choose to follow their spouse but this way it gave me a chance to stay in my job as well.

I'd advise going into this relationship with realistic expectations and your eyes open (it sounds like you would be anyway)

The initial training and early years of service, especially if he is Army, are intense and he won't be able to be flexible or plan his time. His life won't be his own.

On the good sides? It makes your time together much more precious, you really appreciate it and make the most of any snippets of time you have together.

I wouldn't change my husband for the world - he's great and kind and brilliant. When he's home he's a great partner, just he isn't home very much!

I genuinely hope that helps a little. All the best to you.

Are you trying to patronise?
Your attitude to women here is all those things you accuse men of.

No, you've not struck a nerve. This is nothing to do with my marriage. Stop saying that anyone who disagrees with you on this is somehow 'hurt' or deluded. You're come over as arrogant even if you mean to be helpful.

You're very cagey about what you actually and because of some time on a US base in some God forsaken country you think that is typical of Army life in the UK .

The US Veterans- so maybe going back to Vietnam even?

None of this helps the OP.

i agree with this.

Limerence innit.