Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

His DBS would have been completed before he got any joining date. They check that you are suitable for the role way before this. I still smell bullshit on this.

I don't believe much of what comes out of the US especially their own stats on the military.

You experience is about war zones and horrific places in the world.

Not a nice base in Wiltshire or Lincs. Which is more likely for someone joining up in their mid 30s not in the infantry.

Did you get hurt? You're coming over as if it was something really personal.

So very clearly not every serviceman is cheating. Lots never get deployed to these places, and will be stationed in their home countries with their families or on accompanied tours.

You're a shit person to be telling every military wife that you know for a fact that their husband is cheating. It honestly sounds like you're getting some kind of pleasure from looking down on all the stupid military wives, who trust their husband.

Why because it wouldn't work for you?

TBH never mind the marital angle given the claimed age unless there's a TA connection and/or he's joining as a specialist (e.g. Padre or Doc) the whole story sounds more than bit odd...

Maybe the OP should ask if this guy knows the colour of the boathouse..🤐

It did work for me. But I didn't already have a child and a career.

My last one took 11 weeks to come back.

I think this rings alarm bells. (Also, I listened to a podcast where something similar happened and it was all lies and he had a wife)

He’s very old to be joining in the military in an active role, as others have said. I’d be extremely cautious, especially as you’ve known him for very little time.

Visitors are not allowed during initial training though.

Yup!

Entry is allowed for anyone in their 30s in 'exceptional circumstances' according to the Army website.

We're assuming this is the Army and not another part of the Forces.

So he's either a minister, medic or maybe a psychologist/ MH professional.

If he was any of those he'd have a DBS check anyway although I guess the Army does their own.

OP, you don't do anything. He has told you he is joining the military and moving to a base 3 hours away. Either he works on your relationship to make this sustainable or he doesn't.

You don't need to 'fix' the situation he has created. Please don't romanticise this.

Didn't spot this.

"Risky combat role". Bollocks.

Much of what DH does is confidential, he cannot share informatio with me plus a LOT of other stuff I'm not going into. Tbh neither I nor my children can give you an accurate idea of what he does.

An 18yo squaddie might saythat to his admiring friends in the pub. if an adult make did that to me (never mind his age), I'd laugh them out of the front door.

This guy is claiming to be going into a combat role, and has stated that he’ll be deployed to these sorts of places. So OP should stay away.

And yes, I very much do look at the wives with pity. I was mid 20s and there to do a job, and had their misogyny and cheating and leery lad behaviour thrust in front of me every day. Then listened to them chat about their wives and kids.

I have a very dim view of the military, and any would stay well away from any man who has been deployed like that. They cheat.

Why don’t you carry on “seeing” him as a long distance relationship for say another 8 or 10months and see how the relationship develops. Or doesn’t. You can’t be that desperate that you are willing to gamble your future life and your childs life on the basis of a few weeks acquaintance.

In the meantime, concentrate on your job, your child and developing a healthy attitude towards what a having a long term and committed relationship means.

I agree that this is a non-starter for the OP.

But I don't think it's pity you feel, when you're gleefully running to tell women that their husbands are cheating on them, when you actually know fuck all. No one is going to end their relationship on the say so of a sneery internet stranger so what are you trying to achieve? Are you just trying to piss people off, or make them feel bad?

So this was a long time ago when you were in your mid 20s.
What was your 'science' role where you went round army bases in war zones?

Maybe as a 20+ year old you were singled out as being a target for their banter and boasting. Unless you actually caught them having sex with the locals. (and who knows- maybe their wives 'at home' were also having fun.)

You realise that during world wars many women were also having affairs and 'war babies'.

You quote US figures. We aren't in the US. The British army is often UK based.
It's very different way of life.

And if he said 'combat role' he won't be on the front line fighting at 35+.
More likely he's a medic or some kind of pastoral role.

This sounds so dodgy, OP, surely you can see that now you have written it down and seen the responses?

I don't where this ' combat zone' would even be , even if he did enlist at his age.

You say you have mutual contacts, I'd be interested to know exactly what they know about him.

I'm worried you are believing what you have seen on social media as well. A fake and doctored social media profile is the easiest thing for a fantasist to create.

And of course there's the love bombing that always happens, and talk of future with more kids.

As a poster once said, "So many red flags it could head a parade in China"

@Alltheunreadbooks she does say she knows his boss and they have a mutual circle of friends.

It's bloody frowned upon to cheat in the army. It can lead to them being dismissed and their career ending. So if as you say it's so rife all those people are risking their career for a shag.

My Dad was in the army and there is no way he cheated on my mum. He stood by his morals and marriage vows and set an example for all those who served under him.

He’s not telling you he’s joining the marines is he?

Military wife here. I don't have kids, but it's still tough. With the right mindset and planning, anyone can do it.

Except you won't have to because the he's lying to you, sweetie.

If he's lying it will become obvious in time.

@Bunny44 Have you done the basic online searches like 192.com to see where he lives and if there is anyone else at his address?

Do you have constant, regular contact with his friends and colleagues who all know of this change of career and talk about it openly with you?

Fuck that, even if his stories are all true, and he is indeed going off to army. Is that really what you want, someone who isnt going to be around all the time? Dont see the point really.

Because he's going into the military and probably likes the idea of someone waiting for him at home. If he was thinking less selfishly he would recognize (as you should) that as a single mother with a young child, jumping headfirst into a serious relationship with a man that you barely know and who will be away for long periods of time, is probably not a great idea. You have a child - slow down.