Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

My DH is military & the majority of people he works with seem to be in committed long-term relationships, so it is not impossible to sustain a relationship with someone in the military. Although I am not talking about people in training, so can’t comment on that. But once he gets through this phase & into a troop I would imagine life would stabilise ever so slightly (deployments excluded)…

I would say he needs to be in a headspace where he wants a relationship though as it is a distraction + it obviously requires effort on his part to sustain a relationship long distance if that’s where you end up down the line.

I would wait until Christmas - it may have naturally fizzled out by then, or you may see him & it goes well. In which case you can tell him that you’re looking for something serious & you’re willing to be understanding whilst he’s away/ in training, but want to know that he’s on the same page? If he says no then you can cut your losses! He will have a better idea of how his life is going to be by then anyway as he will have experienced a few weeks of training to know if it’s feasible for him to have a relationship alongside that or not. I imagine he will meet plenty of people in relationships/ married whilst he is there, that may show him that it’s not impossible if you both like each other!

Thanks for your reply. He did specifically say training he thought would be the main problem and then deployments. My impression is he's pretty serious about me otherwise he wouldn't have suggested it at all - he's made it clear he doesn't bother trying to maintain casual relationships or friendships once he moves on from somewhere (he's lived in several different countries) and just has a few close friends he stays in contact with. Even to come and meet me at Christmas it'll be a long and quite expensive journey, as where I am isn't home for him anymore.

I think I'll wait and see how that pans out and what's next on his side. He knows I'm looking for something serious and he knows I want more children (which he said he was happy about). To be honest it was him who lept in with talking about a long-distance relationship on the first date (my last relationship was long-distance at first across continents and he said well it's a lot closer than X so it should be possible for us), although he admitted he got over-excited and that maybe committing to something during training and considering my child wasn't sensible.

He seems now wary about promising me anything he can't keep with so many unknowns on his end. I think if things go well at Christmas and he confirms he's serious, I am happy to give him plenty of space during training, which I know he wants and needs. I'm not an overly needy person, but I just like to know where I stand. I'm pretty occupied with my son and job anyway.

It would be a pretty big commitment to come and see me at Christmas as it's a long way for him to travel, so let's see if that happens.

Yes I get what you're saying about rushing. I guess it's a balance and more just being patient enough to not jump in and take initiative. I'm trying to be very conscious of that with him as I'm a bit of an organiser in general and like to make plans, but I'm really trying to take a step back and see how serious he really is this time. We only dated for around a month before he left so not long at all. It's a real shame we didn't start earlier as I think it would have made things a lot easier to know if it was a go/no-go now! He lived around the corner from me for about 18 months and now he's so far away...

This is why this thread is so painful right? And the thing is, I predict this man will come and visit her at Christmas and do very little to disuade her of the tension and romance, (and implicitly future) she sees in the situation. And on, and on it will go.

It is unfair that this man is taking no accountability for his behaviour, which does make it harder for the OP.

dont get invested. Throw him back. He’s obviously not interested in settling down or having a family

wish him well and tell him to get in touch in 2 years in case you are still available

Your priority is your child and YOU first not him and his joining the military and following him round the country to sit in barracks bring bored and isolated and miserable when he’s away for potentially YEARS!!

I don't think you go and live in the barracks? Those are for the soldiers. Even he said about living off base.

No but she doesn’t have anything to lose either?

So what if it doesn’t work out? Why can’t he get involved with someone when he’s changing his job? Lots of people have happy relationships/marriages when they work away. There’s no harm in seeing where it goes

You sound really similar to me! So I get that but I do think you’re right in trying to take a step back and let him show you how much effort he’s willing to put in. It’s the saying ‘if he wanted to he would’ and it’s very very true!

And the other one - ‘timing is everything’

I really don’t think there is any harm in seeing where it goes and the level of effort he puts in to making it work. Don’t cut yourself off from other dates if you happen to meet someone you really click with in the meantime but also in your situation I wouldn’t be going out looking for other dates too if that makes sense?

Theres a LOT of negativity on here and I genuinely don’t understand it in this situation it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything wrong except change careers in later life?

If it works out then great! If it doesn’t then you tried and it didn’t work out and you move on. You’re already successful without a man and no doubt will continue to be!

I haven't changed my original opinion. The two of you are incompatible due to wanting extremely different lifestyles.

You want to live with someone and have them present in your day to day life. That's incompatible with his thrill seeking shown by him wanting postings to combat zones. He wants to be away in faraway, high risk areas. You want another child. He, being military, might very well not be there for much of your pregnancy and birth and post partum period. As a military spouse, your most important trait is going to be your ability to function well as basically a single parent. When he's deployed, that's what you are.

Also, since you already have a child, you have to think about change of stations and what that means for your child to be moved around every so often. You could stay in your home where you have support, but again, you will not live with him and have that day to day life you want.

Hi all new update. So he's leaving already! He's changed his mind and realised it's not for him even though he thought it's what he wanted. We're going to meet up after Christmas for 4 days just the 2 of us and he has to go back in Jan, then he wants to move back here in a few months once he's done the mandatory minimum.

I was very supportive during training even though you can all tell it's not what I really wanted, but I did want to make sure he felt supported and encouraged. However there were some aspects he found he couldn't reconcile himself to and realised he'd made a mistake.

So anyway it means we'll be able to give things a proper go without the pressure of distance and military life.

Honestly I feel bad for him it didn't work out how he had envisaged and don't think he's that happy right now, but I'm excited about him coming back.

Oh wow. Well good luck to both of you.
Glad he has come to his own conclusion that it's not for him. Sometimes these things are very different in reality. The good thing is that he's given it a go and he won't be having regrets about not giving it a try.
What's his plan now? Is he going to go back to what he did before?

I hope everything works out for you both and thank you for updating 🙂

Stay wary.

You haven't known him long and you may find the next big shiny exciting 'this is IT!!!' may be waiting just round the corner to grab his attention and excitement.

Until that too turns out to be not what he thought he wanted.

Don't let that be a new baby.

I would walk away. I've dated 2 soldiers. The first one openly told me that every guy cheats with prostitutes, when they are posted abroad for 6 months. And yes, that includes the married ones. Makes sense, I mean what guy is going to go without sex for 6 months? I then discovered 10 months in, that he was cheating with a local woman. The 2nd guy, he was doing an ordinary job, but signed up to join, and I ditched him immediately. We had only had 2 dates, so it was an easy decision. I'm sorry, this really sucks.

I don't know if you're not ready my update?

Something about this makes me feel uneasy.

Do people really get this close/far in such specialist training only for it to suddenly Dawn on them that its not what they thought?

I dont know... Maybe they do....

Keep your wits about you and don't rush into anything. Hope it all works out in due course.

I just read back through the data points for this and I really think somethings up with this guy.

He was super excited about joining the paratroopers, this was something he said he wanted to do since forever. He went through these extensive checks and passed the entry tests. He had 3 months of basic training to complete.

He hasn't even completed a month kf the basic training and got to the juicy stuff, but hes now decided its randomly not for him?

This mirrors the phone conversation you had with him where he also randomly decided he had rushed things and actually a LDR wouldnt "be fair" to you.

Either this guy is murky, or hes fickle as hell.

Your military lets people just change their mind after they're into basic? He has to do a few months and that's it and no reserve duty?

That sounds seriously shady, especially trying to get into a specialized MOS. I don'y know how your military operates but I don't think you're getting the truth here. If he really was just enlisted and sworn in the military and he's leaving after mere weeks, I doubt it's a voluntary separation and he wouldn't still be in for months, which would also rule out medical or hardship.

It also indicates he doesn't take a real formal and legal commitment seriously.

Be very careful. You have a child to think about.

In the British army, you can leave within the first six months with 14 days notice. They don't want unwilling soldiers.

Yes I'm not assuming anything. It just gives us a chance to see how things go. I'm definitely not going to rush into having more children after last time 🙂. I don't think he would either to be honest.

He told me he has to serve a minimum 28 days and then 2 weeks notice so he has to go back in January and he's hoping to get out in Feb.

Yes I am concerned about the U-Turn. I've not had a chance to discuss in detail why. But he was really really unwell with COVID or flu the first 2 weeks and has spent another week recovering (he couldn't speak and found it hard even looking at his phone). While there, he was discouraged from seeing the doctor onsite and they had them standing outside in the rain and cold for hours on end. I think it would have been fine possibly had he not been unwell. I did caution him from making decisions while this unwell and it is possible he might change his mind but I don't think so as he seemed really made up.

I kind of think he might have have been traumatised by this experience or something else happened. But yes I think there is more to it him changing his mind so fast and I'm concerned about what it is. It did occur to me I need to be cautious about being very fickle, however I don't think that's it as he's my moved around a bit but usually made a plan and stuck to it and he's got plenty of evidence of being focused and disciplined.