Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

Yes but even if he is going away, you can like someone enough to think "can we make this work?".

I’m finding his back pedalling somewhat strange in view of him talking about you going to wherever he’s based during his initial training etc.
If he really was keen he’d find some way of keeping the relationship going surely?
I have had two distance relationships over the years, the first one was with someone in the Navy, the second with my now DH.
You can make it work, it just takes some effort on both sides.

You misunderstood.

He was talking about me visiting rather than coming to live. He also mentioned that he was off for Christmas initially - again with the suggestion we could see each other then. I think he didn't realise initially that basically they can't have much contact with anyone outside the first month and it's all quite restrictive.

However the big thing here is that he's concerned about not passing training and I think he sees me as a potential distraction. He doesn't want to be missing anyone or thinking about anyone etc. He said you have to be selfish to pass and if you've got something else in the back of your mind, you'll likely fail.

He also thinks going forward he's not going to be very available due to the nature of the paratroopers being deployed or on training away a lot and with little notice. We spoke about both wanting children for instance. I went through pregnancy, birth and bringing up my first child alone and this would likely end up being be a repeat even if it's not by choice.

We are still going to meet up next week potentially but I'm not going to push for anything. He sounded very final with me yesterday. He said he'd still like to see me till he goes but this isn't going anywhere. I know some of you say he's just using me then, but it'd be mutual. He's pretty fine😅.

I have had another guy I spoke to a while ago contact me about meeting up next week. He's a doctor and based round here, so maybe there are more sensible options available...

Hi I have been with my military DH for nearly 30 years now. Yes it was hard when our DC were young and he was away on tour in dangerous places. But he is the love of my life, and a wonderful father and we have a great life. Every type of marriage has highs and lows, the most important thing is that you find the person that you can live a lovely life with, that you can love and be loved by. I think enough PPs have defined all the downsides of being a military spouse.

We have never moved around with DH. We were not married for the first 10 years, so despite 2 children etc, we were not allowed to live in army housing. I had my own home and he moved in with me after 18 months. We then went on to buy our own home, and moved a few times. We have never lived on camp. When he was posted away he went away and came back on weekends. That was hard being apart (esp for small children) but it meant we stayed in this house, I stayed in my job, and the DC stayed in the same nurseries and schools.

We have my family nearby, so our support networks stayed consistent throughout these 30 years. I needed the support networks to help with working in a high pressure career and having small DC. As you say, they are away a lot anyway, so I agree, better to be at home near family than on a camp where you know no one.

When DH left the army he just came home one day - nothing else changed. For his colleagues who lived in army housing, on leaving the army they were looking to buy their first home at 40 years old, wives changing jobs, kids changing schools etc etc, we had none of that to worry about.

Living off camp means you see them a bit less, but you have that consistency in your life (and DCs). And if it doesn't go well, you are still in your own home. If you do decide to live with him on camp, you should keep your house and rent it out, so that you have that to fall back on if it all goes tits up.

I did not give up my career, did not follow him anywhere. I been the high earner for most of our marriage (but his pension will be better than mine!).
My DH is not racist, homophobic or mysogynistic, so there is no reason to think the army will make your bf that way.

Despite the hardship of being apart often, I cannot explain how amazing it is when they come back when you haven't seen them for a while. That is something my non military friends have never experienced. Its all pluses and minuses. If you are used to being on your own, I expect you will not find it a problem. These days contact is easier - we didnt have mobile phones etc so had little contact - I expect having more contact with facetime etc will make it a bit easier than it used to be.

TBH when they get out, my miliary wife friends have all found it hard to get used to their DHs being around all the time😆we all get used to doing things our way, and having a lot of time to ourselves - they are a bit underfoot when they first leave the army.

I hope it all goes well for you.

OP- sorry for the disappointment. When you first wrote vaguely about his post, I assumed he had some serious niche talent like chaplain or medic and was going in for some higher calling. This made me take him a little more seriously. But as he’s just an adrenaline junky and seems a bit Peter Pan, a workout trainer you met at the gym, he seems more fling material than real deal from here. I think he was a real thrill so it must be hard to let go of that adventure and its promise. I think you’re seeing clearly and being mature and vulnerable and working through this properly. Hopefully you find a happy next era, with or without a man!

To all the army adjacent women who shared their experiences, this was a very interesting read and I learned a lot. Thanks!

Yes I've learnt a lot too! Which is why I put the initial question out there. Very grateful for all the replies!

I feel a bit silly how carried away I got now tbh. I'm usually quite a rational person but got a bit swept up in it all!

We have in common that we've both travelled, lived abroad quite a lot and speak several 2nd languages. And we had some other similar interests. This is quite a rural area and you don't meet that many Brits like that round here. I'm quite adventurous myself (maybe not as much as him), but obviously with a young child I've had to reign it in a lot and I'm still looking for stability going forward.

I also come from a military family and have a brother that enlisted as a regular at 35. He is now in his 50's and in still in the reserves.

OP, I’ve known army men who have been very vocal about wanting children - but also didn’t want to sacrifice their career.

What they actually meant was they wanted a little wifey who would take care of everything and keep the home running while they parachuted in and out to do the fun stuff while they were on leave. It’s a miserable life for a woman unless you genuinely prefer to see very little of your spouse and do most of the decision-making and parenting single-handed.

In your last post you said he enjoys the risk-taking - he just doesn’t sound like good partner material at all.

I’m glad he’s drawn things to a close rather than you tying yourself in knots to try and make it work out. Sad but best in the long run.

In your situation I probably wouldn’t see him again, even for a goodbye shag, because you have feelings for him so it’s better to just make the break now.

Fingers crossed that this new doctor chap turns out to be a hottie so you can forget about the Peter Pan para guy!

Hi @Bunny44 I am glad you have reflected that you probably fell too hard and too fast for this man who was clearly at a different stage of his life to you and therefore incompatible.

Hey don’t feel silly. It’s great that you’re open to meeting someone and hopefully the right one will be along soon.

Yes this all concerns me as I get these careers which take men away (as it's always men usually) where they pay amazingly and then they say well you know I'm funding the family and making things easier for you - you can afford to not work, hire a nanny or whatnot. But first of all, I'm actually well off in my own right with a good job. I can easily fund a decent family life without help. It's the logistics I find difficult on my own - even with help with my family. The military jobs are not comparitively well paid and on top of that, make them extremely absent, so I feel like my priority would be a potential family life and his would be his job, at the expense of family life, because I'm not sure it brings any advantages. I would be sacrificing a lot for his dreams I think. I really like this guy a lot though so I'm considering it.

Can anyone tell me anything positive? 😅

I have an update on the situation - it's not over and I'm struggling not to overthink it.

He's already gone in November hasn't he from your last posts?

Ok so update. I ended up seeing him quite a lot the last few weeks before he left (whether or not that was a good idea) and the thing is it was just really nice and we like each other even more now. A lot of the time we were meeting without there being a sexual element so it definitely wasn't just about sex, in fact we've not actually had sex much at all for various reasons... It's definitlely an emotional and not just physical connection. On the last day we saw each other he just said to me he'd like to stay in touch and meet at Christmas if I would like to. He only has 2 weeks initial training before they're off for 3 weeks.

He did say to me though he's really conscious of me putting my life on hold for him and doesn't want me to feel like I can't date or anything. He said on his side he's planning on having his head down and focused on passing training and not looking for anything romantic with anyone else and he'd like to stay in touch. We've spoken most days up until he started and got a provisional date in for over Christmas.

I do find myself with it all going round my head. It's hard being in that romantic start of something and then them being suddenly removed. I'm trying to distract myself with other things and plan nice Christmas stuff for my son and with my family. The honest truth is that I really would like more children, at least one more, and I'm not far off 38. I can't help feel slightly panicked about making the right romantic decisions at this point in my life as well as choosing a partner who would be a good step-father to my son in the future. It feels like a lot of pressure.

I'm also in the midst of making some big personal decisions about where me and my son move to (unrelated to current conundrum) so maybe that's adding to me over thinking things.

He left here a few days ago and went up to Catterick today.

I would honestly just see where it goes - don’t cut it off completely but don’t have it in your head that he’s gonna be your happy ever after. If you meet someone else in the meantime then it is what it is.

In my experience there’s not many decent guys around and if he is one then I’d give it a chance. There’s a chance you’d drift apart with the distance and lack of seeing each other - or it could go the opposite way. You don’t have to make any big decisions now.

With regards to your comment about wanting another child - would you do it alone if you didn’t meet the right person eg with sperm donation or other options?

If you’re enjoying each others company and still seeing each other then I really wouldn’t overthink it. Still live your life but let it run its natural course and see where it goes. You sound sensible enough to be able to do this without it impacting your child.

You both still sound on different pages to me. He’s once again at pains to tell you not to put your life on hold, to keep dating and reminding you he’s not able to give proper commitment. And you’re thinking about more children.
Re-read your first update from today. You’ve written down everything you need to hear but you’re seeking other opinions as if to prove yourself somehow wrong about what you want in your life.
Meet him for a hookup at Christmas if you want but if you’re looking for a husband, look elsewhere.

Ok thank you. I think I just needed a reply like this to not overthink it. The more I've got to know him, the more he's just really impressed me and I feel like I just want to see where it goes. I guess my hesitation is not having enough time to get to know him enough in between all the training, however, the plan at Christmas would be to spend a longer period of time together (just the 2 of us as my son would stay with my family) so that should give us a better idea if we're compatible enough to take things further.

On the sperm donation side of things - yes this is something I've also been thinking about, that I might end up having a child on my own anyway (but it's not my preference) so if he seems like the right person, maybe long periods of absence is still better than doing it entirely on my own! Aware my thoughts are skipping ahead a lot here... But I guess I'm gaging whether it's worth persuing at all. My gut and heart say yes but my head is throwing up all the logistical obstacles.

I totally understand why you’re overthinking it I’m a single parent too and I’ll stay single unless someone perfect for me comes along cause otherwise it’s not worth it. So it’s probably coming from a place of you being wary.

But if he’s not shown any red flags then just see how it progresses. It’s obviously early days and it will progress slower than the average relationship cause of the distance.

His comments about not wanting to put your life on hold sound like they’re coming from a caring place rather than an excuse not to commit as it’s just based on circumstances.

Yes it wouldn’t be my preference either but it’s an option that’s available to you if you don’t meet the right person.

I’d just see how it naturally progresses and you’ll know if you want it or don’t

Also - if it doesn’t work out with him it’s not like you’ve got someone waiting in the wings to take his place so you wouldn’t be in any different of a position than you’re in before he came along.

Spend the time together at Christmas - keep getting to know him. But if you’ve got a gut feeling that it’s something worth pursuing and you don’t you’ll always wonder what if. There might be a million logistical reasons why it might not work but if it’s great then you’ll find a way to make it work together.

The long periods of absence won’t be amazing but if you’re single now and have been for a long time and enjoy your own space and company I think you’ll find it easier than you think. TBH I think I would as I like my own space and company now and even if I met the right person I’m not sure if I could ever live with someone again.

He hasn’t done anything awful or give you any red flags and he’s impressed you. Even if you date for a while and it doesn’t work out then at least you tried and won’t always wonder what if

doesn't want me to feel like I can't date or anything.

While you're thinking about babies he gives you his blessing to date other men. To meet someone else....

OP, it's right there.

So it's not exactly true I don't have other options as I was active on the dating apps before we met and there were both people I had been speaking to and also guys who have made it clear they are interested from the past and work, but I know I won't really give them a chance if I'm thinking about this guy. That's the reality of it.

Around 8 years ago I feel like I wasted years on one particular guy who kept stringing me along and I really regret that, so as I result I guess I'm keen to ascertain quickly if it's going somewhere or it's not. And move on if it isn't. I don't regret things where real feelings are involved and the person is a good partner to me. I regret a couple of situations where I allowed myself to prioritise someone where it wasn't fully reciprocal.

I find I tend to make a lot of effort when I like someone and I think I need to learn to stand back a bit and judge whether they're really meeting me halfway (at least) and learn to walk away if they don't.

Sorry I didn’t mean you wouldn’t have options or anyone else interested I just meant you don’t have someone waiting in the wings to step into a full blown committed relationship just like that.

We’ve all done similar at a point in our lives and it’s those experiences that teach us what to accept and what we shouldn’t tolerate. Yes I get you but sometimes you just can’t ascertain that quickly and tbh it’s probably best not to. It takes a while to get to know someone properly and you don’t really want to be making a decision on if it’s going anywhere too quickly cause you’re making that decision without all the facts if that makes sense? I understand why you want to but I think that’s counter productive cause it means you’re rushing a decision.

Yes I’ve always been like that - give a lot of support and make a lot of effort when I’m fully invested and most of the time haven’t received equal treatment and I think it’s cause I was dating the version of the person that was in my head rather than who they actually were! Take your own advice - stand back a bit, let him make the effort and take it slow. You’ll soon know if it’s for keeps.

How long has it been now since it became romantic?

She’s thinking but it’s not like they’re even nearly at the stage to discuss that.

She is just thinking about the future and her wants etc and from my perspective he is being caring as he knows being with him would be a big commitment for her cause of his job

She is just thinking about the future and her wants etc and from my perspective he is being caring as he knows being with him would be a big commitment for her cause of his job

or... he has nothing at all to lose by keeping her interested and on the end of a very long string. All that licence to date other men, that does not come from someone who cares deeply, it's from someone who isn't that invested. That's very different.

If he was in anyway "caring" he would not be getting involved with someone when he's undergoing military training, away for long stretches of time, with his head in a different place. Basically he has no real skin in the game.