Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

THere are many peeps who come across as good people but they can still be liars and get away with it from family and friends. When it comes out they were lying everyone always say didn't seem the type, such a nice person, would never do that.
Until they do, just be careful OP.

Ah get you now!

I'm actually aghast that the OP is already talking in terms of having kids with this bloke she's met about 5 minutes ago and would uproot herself and her child if he crooks his little finger. I sense he'd tell her anything and she'll accept it. Meanwhile he's done nothing whatsoever to deserve it.

Your last post really does make it seem like the two of you are just wrong place, wrong time.

You seem like a high achiever and yet he's effectively starting his career again from scratch, what brought him to a place where he needs to do that as his age when he should be well established? (That's a question for you to ask yourself, you don't need to tell us!)

Yes, exactly. He’s just not what you need. I’d put him out of my head and keep dating other people. And not let your desire for another child blur your judgement.

We've just had a long phone call so will update later when I have a moment.

Well, you're not his wife but no, you don't have to go with him.

I'd throw this one back OP. It was a non starter. It's not just long distance, it's the long absences where he'll be deployed overseas. You'll never have the type of relationship you want with him. ❤

Your last post really does make it seem like the two of you are just wrong place, wrong time.

Well I guess we'll never know if it was any different if it would have worked but yes that's the essence.

I think the main thing to bear in mind, is that he is 35. Assuming he’s joining the ranks, then a full career is 22 years. That’s possibly 22 years of you coming second. Because if he’s ambitious and wants to get on, he will have to prioritise the military. If you stay unmarried then you’ll only ever see him on weekends or annual leave. If you want to see him any more than that, 6 month deployments not withstanding, then you’ll have to marry for the sake of it and spend the next however many years moving every couple of years and uprooting your child along with it. As well as the 6 month deployments there will be all the other exercises and RnR trips, some of these are 6 weeks long. I would get out now.

The majority of service marriages end in divorce.

Also he hasn't even enlisted so how does he know where he's going.

Also service people are knobs. Training makes this personal quality worse. Families are considered a pain in the arse. They do not care about you.

I am a veteran. I was a wife of. Two of my kids were scaleys.

So I spoke to him on my way back from work and talked a lot about the army side and applications. He actually said there were quite a few guys his age in the physical tests and they all did pretty well. He got green (whatever that means) in all the tests. He said the older guys (as in ones in their 30s) tend to be people who are very into their fitness and actually outpaced the younger guys. But he was very aware that many trainees fail, which he seems concerned about, and that led to a conversation about how all consuming it is and how absent and unavailable he's going to be. It's the paratroopers he applied to and they are often deployed globally and frequently, even if it's just for training purposes.

The crux of it is that he said he felt like he'd got over excited and had not thought it through when we begun seeing each other, since he'd liked me for a while, but he realises it wouldn't be right to start something long distance with me, particularly as I have a young child and he knows he can't prioritise a relationship right now and doesn't want to end up in and out of our lives over the next few years. It's clear he wants to succeed and pass and essentially thinks this would be a distraction and also unfair on me and my child. I am also wary about distracting him as I can see how important it is to him and I also want stability for me and my child, which I see now he can't give me.

I feel very sad and disappointed and reminded why dating can be so hard with it's massive highs and lows. It's been so long I've forgotten what this feels like. But at least it was over quick, and I know it's just a feeling which will pass.

Those saying this is proof it's made up. His employer just posted about him leaving to do this publically so again that would be weird if it was made up but who knows. Again to what purpose, I'm not sure it'd serve.

Sounds very sensible Bunny and thank you for updating, especially after how you have been spoken to.

I grew up in Colchester where the paras are largely based, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings as a result. My DH was also a doc for the paras for a while.

Honestly, it sounds like the right choice for you both although disappointing right now

My DH was an instructor on P Company. There's no way I'd want to be trying to do that course in my 30s. It is physically exhausting no matter how fit you are and then there is the sheer terror of static jumps and the real thing at the end.

The paras take up to age 35 for soldiers but it really is a young man's game. It can physically break you.

Still if he does drop out you may see him again OP so it's not over till its over 😉

I've been told by friends in the military that the paras can be a bit feral - is that what you mean?

And his colleagues described him as a nutjob who really goes all out on crazy fitness challenges - so I guess he sees this as the ultimate challenge and he told me today he loves the riskiness of it all. So maybe that doesn't describe someone who'd be the ideal partner in this situation. I really liked all his energy and enthusiasm though.

I do wish you well and hope you can find a nice partner to share your life with and who treats your child well. You're being pretty level headed here.

You have a clearer idea of what you want for your future and you've got the ability to see what isn't going to fit that plan, despite all the chemistry and excitement of a new romance.

I could tell you stories about the paras that would make your hair curl 😂

They are not choir boys that's for sure, and you have to fit in or you don't workout long term.

Yes, essentially. Growing up, I avoided them as much as possible and that felt necessary for my safety. I hate had hairy moments where I was groped or felt unsafe/ intimidated. As an adult, I have friends who are ex-paras and what they got up to at times was very unsavoury and extreme.

P company is very intense and creates a real camaraderie in those that have achieved their wings. For me personally, I don’t enjoy the culture, ego and characteristics which go along with that.

He's the sort of guy who does Spartan races and ultra marathons all the time. He's currently a fitness instructor is how I met him. He looks incredibly young for his age, probably because he's never drunk or smoked. I think he knows he could potentially not pass, but he can't think about that right now. I kind of don't want to say oh message me in case that sounds like I want him to fail. I know he'd be really disappointed.

You've been thinking below the waist not above the neck.

He sounds very sexy and exciting.

And absolutely incapable of providing anything that you say you and your child want and need.

Everything in his mind is what he wants right now and you'd always have come in a very far off second place to this military dream.

It's a shame - but absolutely for the best.

It sounds like the sensible thing to do, even if it's disappointing.

My dh is a (US) paratrooper and, yes, he is away A LOT. Plus you have to worry about them jumping out of a plane every so often.

Posters who thought he was spinning a yarn were basing it on you presenting the situation as if he was talking about a future with you two together in some way. Which wouldn’t have made sense. But going by your update, he’s let you down gently and that’s probably what he was getting at all along. Crossed wires maybe but he’s now made this clear. You’re well rid of him anyway if he’s pushing late 30s and fancies himself as action man in the paras…yikes.

I admire your level headedness.
You have done the right thing 💐

He definitely did talk about the future - and positioned it as that he was very interested in something long-term with me at first. He said yesterday that got over excited about both us finally getting together, and also when he got accepted for training he was on a bit of a high and started saying about it working long-distance, but then he took a step back later and realised it wouldn't have been good for either of us. As he said, me and my child come as a package and that we both need & deserve stability. I've been through a lot in the last few years already.

The thing is, him being so enthusiastic at the beginning kind of swept me up. I really liked him anyway, and I was a bit caught off-guard, in a pleasant way, about how interested he immediately was, that I kind of got the feels going prematurely.

I think he's a good guy and tried to backtrack to do the right thing - we aren't matched in where we are in our lives. I'm sure I'll get over it soon but smarts a bit now 🙂

Yes when someone genuinely likes you, they will speak about a potential future with you in it. Has a man never felt like that about you? Like on the third date, he might talk about where you might go in three months time?

I think @fatphalange meant it didn't make any sense, given that he knew he was going away. But the thing was he didn't know he was going away when we first started dating. And then when he found out he'd been accepted, that day he then started talking excitedly about us potentially doing long distance without thinking fully about the implications.

Then reality seemed to slap him in the face after a subsequent convo with a serving paratrooper and he backtracked.

I know you say he can’t offer you the stability etc you would need in a serious committed relationship due to his new job. BUT considering it’s only a new thing and as long as doesn’t meet your child just in case - are you both really happy with the decision to just call it without giving it a go? It just seems a shame that you’ve met each other and everything else is good.

Is it not worth trying? - even with little to no expectations of succeeding - you have nothing to lose as you’ve both called it anyway.