Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

You need to put your toddler and his stability before someone you’ve known for a few weeks. See him when he has leave.

I don't know all the details, there was more (such as criminal record checks from other countries), I just know he was stressed about that part as he'd moved around a lot and wasn't sure if he had accurately got all the addresses and dates. I get that as I had exactly the same having moved around myself and lived abroad.

Not sure why you're so focused on it being false - I already told you I know his colleagues and friends before I knew him who confirmed this story. He'd have to be lying to everyone.

I think I've just seen far too many romance scam programmes, to be honest!

My son is just about to complete phase 2.
Whilst doubt phase 1 at catterick he had his phone every evening except when he was out on field, he called most nights, we could not go and visit but he got 2 weekends off and 2 weeks during the whole 16 weeks.
They had a dedicated Facebook page to keep you updated on what the squadron was doing that week with photos.
And yes there are older people doing phase 1 and 2 and they tend to do amazingly.
My son is now only 3 hours away from home and comes home most weekends unless work gets in the way.

Maybe he is?

As someone whose husband did 25 years in the military I can advise that it is your call whether you follow them around or not. I chose to and chose a career that allowed me to do this (I was much younger). You need to decide if you're happy to be a "weekend partner" or not.

He's probably lovely. But have a listen to this before you uproot. And take your time. You could join him a year from now. If he likes you, he will make the effort to see you.

Have you met his parents? His friends? Been to his house? Seen hos belongings etc.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p0f1rkfw?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

I'm not planning on uprooting? I've met friends and colleagues. That's how I know him.

Have you not been to his house?

You seem quite defensive about suggestions to do research. What answer were you hoping for?

There’s a bit of a Take a Break story whiff about him.

Yes he lives round the corner from me in a rented place but is moving out in a few weeks.

OP, has he taken you to his mother's house yet and let you sniff her belly button?

Because if it doesn't smell of him - if you can't go back to the very stem of him and find proof of him there - his whole existence is a lie and I'm afraid you've been dating an AI.

Done research about what? My question was what it's like to be the partner of someone in the military. I'm asking here plus tbh I have spoken to people IRL who are in that situation too.

Makes sense - thanks 🙏

This has turned into a surprisingly long thread.

@Bunny44 Your original question was "What should I do?" and very few people seem to have actually answered that short question. Here are my thoughts for what they are worth. You haven't been seeing each other for very long at all, and you wouldn't normally be seriously considering marriage, kids and a long-term future with anyone after such a short time together. So that's it basically. It is too soon to tell. Carry on seeing him if you like (training permitting), but for goodness sake keep it casual, and don't make any kind of promises about a long-term commitment.

I've taken away from this thread that I don't need to necessarily decide today. However, thing I'm hesitant about is investing a lot of time in it when I have not a lot (I juggle so much day to day as is) and that I might be doing it to the exclusion of other options, when I'm already 37 and would like more children. On the other hand I really do struggle to meet people I gel with and the chemistry with him was really instantaneous, wonderful and organic. I've done a lot of one-off internet dates (prob 6 or so this year) and not really had a spark with anyone, even though I thought liked their profiles.

It's a significant spanner in the works that he's signed up to the military as it would have been great to get to know each other here, especially as he lives so close by. I'm really gutted as also reading the posts I feel like joining up could have a big impact on his lovely personality, let alone the significant logistical obstacles.

The irony I feel is I am a very high earner and generally very well off for a single mum. I'm ready emotionally and financially for more children and a family. I just want a partner who is present, loving and supportive. With this career move he'd be doing a low paid job that takes him far away, that's high risk, and if we have kids I'd basically be alone with them so bringing in most of the income, doing all the home admin too and missing him. To me this career move would be all for him and bring nothing to our (potential) relationship. I think I'd resent that a lot.

But at the end of the day he's really excited about this opportunity and I don't want to come out as negative or put a dampner on it, as his positivity and enthusiasm is something I really like about him and especially as it all happened before we were together and we are still very early on in getting to know each other.

I'll ask him more questions about what he has in mind for the long-term and try not to panic about making an immediate decision.

I'll also update on whether it all turns out to be made-up!

You are thinking about this waaaay too much. If it is true that he is off to join the military soon (big IF) then just have a nice little fling with him now before he goes.

Signing up is a massive, life-changing event. He is going to change so much over the next few years and you’ve not had any time to build love and commitment before that change. So anything serious is a non-starter.

You said you want a home and more kids and a present partner to live with. You want to stay in your area where you own a home, have an established career, and have family support with your child.

Saying he's on the up and up and you say you're in a military area so you should have some familiarity with the lifestyle .

What about a man in his mid 30s impulsively joining the military because it's something he always wanted to do and hoping to go into combat zones which comes with high risk says he will be the partner who will live with you and be a present partner and dad? He will have to go where they send him. The government owns him and he has no autonomy for the next few years.

You need to sit down and really examine what you want in a partner. You say you want one thing but rushing things with a man supposedly enlisting and wanting to go to combat zones says something very different. You don't have a long time if you want a stable live in partner to have children with and stay in your home and career.

Lol

He’s not a good prospect, then. Has he told you these plans in the context of wanting a future with you? Or just in general (this is what I’m doing and I’m really excited about it)? While he’s shared his aims with you, have you shared yours with him? Present guy, supportive, more kids? What’s he said about that?
I think stick to banging him (your words not mine) and then a fond farewell. If he changes his mind to slot into your life then he may be a serious contender for long term.

Not lol when you are trying to piece together these stories -
or picking up the pieces of the fallout -
Lol to be so innocent / naive !

If I'd repeatedly attracted men as bad as that, I'd take a good look at myself tbh.

Okay granted, first serious partner was abusive but after that, the others I dated (even briefly) were fine (just not for me). Then I met my OH. I also know lots of men as friends and although one or two have been to prison, most are just ordinary guys with no discernable edge, let alone sordid history of crime and violence.

Actually I agree with u -
Walter Mittys aren’t that common thank god !
just seen enough (professionally) to know there are some pseudo military men lurking about out there - so my radar picks up signals 😂

Only scanned over OP's missives and I would be very wary about this bloke if I was her as they've only known each other a short time. It's so easy to get pulled into a glamourous /exciting fantasy and as for his paperwork and going a board so quickly I would be smelling a rat tbh. Another woman who he's fed the line to perhaps as he's working away training?
Hope I'm wrong as OP seems a bit swept up in it.
But OP if it turns out to be total bollocks, you wouldn't have been the first this has happened to and you certainly won't be the last.