I really want to end it but it's his mum's anniversar

[MotherOfCrows]

I have been with my "boyfriend" for almost a year. It is his mum's anniversary later this month and it was his late father's birthday a couple of days ago. He told me that he finds November really hard (his mum died in 2016 and dad died in 2020).
However the relationship has become increasingly abusive and I really need to finish with him.
I remember when I was in my early 20's my then-boyfriend dumped me a week after my Nana's funeral. She lived with me and my parents and had had dementia; we were so close and it seemed so callous of him to end things at such a difficult time; i was in a right state and then being dumped obviously made things so much worse.

But this current boyfriend has these rages which really scare me. He shouts and calls me stupid etc. and swears at me (as opposed to just having a sweary rant). He is possessive and has accused me of cheating on him when I went on holiday and when I have met completely platonic male friends he gets really suspicious. I feel like he would like it if I just didn't have those friends anymore. I told him how my exH held a knife to my throat the other week and he said that if you really want to hurt someone you should use words not violence; that he can hurt me more with what he says. He said that he has "studied" me - as in, he knows what makes me upset I think. We don't see each other that often as I have kids so I see him when they go to their dad's (despite the knife incident and various other abuse he and I share custody / contact). He started off nice but has become meaner and meaner. He always is critical of me and says I am a horrible person, a selfish person. That I don't care for him. If I am late meeting him he gets really annoyed. He will sulk and go quiet sometimes.

I did try and end things before because my phone stopped working anyway and then I was sending him grey-rock / slow fade messages to try and kind of let it wither on the vine but it didn't work. But he constantly goes on about how I ghosted him, how depressed he was during this time, that he was so worried about me.

My phone's whatsapp wasnt working again last week and i was on my way to a funeral and i messaged him on instagram so he wouldn't think i had ghosted him but he just sent messages saying how annoying it is that my phone doesnt work, that i always have issues with my phone (which is true as i am hopeless with technology) and that he was going away for a couple of days and might not have reception. This was a total lie - he didnt go anywhere at all - i think it was just a tit for tat thing because he was annoyed i couldnt use whatsapp.

I always feel like I have done something wrong and it is really messing up my mental health being with someone so chaotic. He will go from saying he wants to get married / move in together / have a child together to having a go at me. When he has had a go at me in public people have stopped and stared because he is just so full of rage.

But I don't want to be like my ex who dumped me so soon after my nana died.
Does anyone have any advice should I wait till after his mum's anniversary? I also don't want to split up with someone just before Christmas as that also seems horrible especially when they don't have any family.

@sonjadog yes that is very much how i was brought up that women get bossed around by men and men make all the big decisions and so on. I guess in that case i would like to be better at calling time & knowing when to remove myself. I feel sick thinking how much time i spent with this guy how long it has been

You want to be in the group that gets discarded for not being vulnerable? Or gets rid of arseholes at the first sign of trouble? Unfortunately that means being in the group that dumps arseholes. Not ghosts, not blocks, not quiet quits… dumps. This is part of asking for, and getting, what you want.

And not feeling bad about someone’s feelings when they clearly don’t give a shit about yours!

Well done on being strong about that. It’s hard and it hurts, we all get that, but it means you won’t get sucked in again or forced to engage in any conversation where he tries to persuade you that you are wrong or overreacting.

He doesn’t have 2 personalities in one body.

Hes an abuser, but that doesn’t mean he will be abusive every waking minute, but at his core he is a horrible person.

Again I am going to mention www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

That will help you I promise.

Try not to over think it, because he won't be. Men like this dont have the self awareness to know why they behave like they do. He won't be asking himself 'what have I done wrong?', his only thought will be how to get you back under the thumb as easily as possible.

You have a lot to offer, and he sees things in you he wants - stability, intelligence, a good mum to your kids, a home with someone to look after him.

Its not as simple as 'seeing you as a victim', because he hasnt thought about it that deeply.

You won't be the first woman he's done this to, and sadly you won't be the last. Take a bit of a break from men, and work on your self esteem and boundaries. Know where your line is on what you will accept.

Keep him blocked, dont answer your door to him, and do not engage. He will say anything to win you back, but if you go back it will be worse I guarantee it.

You got this @MotherOfCrows

Thanks that means so much 🙂

I know i was just sort of trying to explain because my exH became awful all of the time 100% so this is horrible but in a different kind of way but i agree yes the nice isn't real

Thank you @PyongyangKipperbang x

That is a fair point i suppose i hadn't thought about it that much but i do agree i need to be more assertive

Get away, stay away, keep safe and thank God you didnt move in together. Stay strong, keep out of relationships for a while and when you are ready start thinking about how to stop this relationship pattern.

OP, he sold you a dream but delivered a nightmare. This in not on you how he chooses to behave. Its all on him, the only thing you control is how you react to it. Leaving him is the best thing you can do for you, then go and do the freedom program, or read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that, its a booklet, and really good. You may be able to find this on the internet.

He is showing you what he feels you are worth to him, believe him when he is showing you his worst sides, that is the true him, the other sweet part is an act to reel you back in when he feels he is loosing control. Its really scary.

Also, if you ever go back in a relationship, do not disclose what happened in your previous ones, as some men, or individuals use it as a stick to beet you with further down the line. One way or another.

Whatever he he says to you now is all going to be a different version of him depending on your reaction. All done to either demean you, or real you in further. You have a choice here and that is to either entertain it, or completely shut all communication down, but safely. If he starts to stalk you on social media, via friends, or by going to your work place, or your home, call the police, make a log of it. Leaving a man like this is not always safe, and you may have to be vigilant for some time. Men like this dont like to loose control or loose control over the narrative you may hold, or loose face on the outside.

Also, educate yourself on these types of men, youtube is a great educator.
Dr Ramini is great at explaining what lies beneath an abuser, and who they target.

@MotherOfCrows

If you want to be one of those women who recognizes the 'sharks' and swims away to safety quickly, therapy worked wonders! You can't change in yourself what you don't understand about yourself. And that's nearly impossible to figure out without some kind of professional 'guidance'.

I basically walked into the therapist's office and said "I want to know why I pick such shit men and how do I stop!!!". It took time, effort, and a lot of honesty and pain but I learnt why I was doing/ignoring the things I was doing and/or ignoring. And how to recognize the red flags that abusers tend to exhibit. I also learnt how, if I did fall into a trap, to break it off with them fearlessly and finally without feeling one iota of 'guilt' over their itty bitty hurt feelings.

@AcrossthePond55 that's amazing i am so happy for you
Learning to break it off early is very useful as it gets harder the longer you leave it.
It would be good if i could recognise red flags better. The smaller ones not the big ones everyone goes on about

In dating circles, there is the Burned Haystack Method (BHM), which is where you peruse men's profiles on dating apps and the initial and subsequent texts/calls/meetups for red flags in the form of rhetorical patterns. The method was devised by an academic, a rhetoritician, whose work involves analysis of language for clues to what the writer/speaker is really saying. For example, a common rhet patt is called directive/disciplinary, which is where the man tells the woman what to do/who to be like he's the boss of her. It's a flaming red flag for a misogynist who thinks he's superior to women.

BHM is a way to pick the really little signs at an intellectual level, which many - perhaps most - women really need because our gut instincts have been so screwed up by the patriarchy.

You can check out Jennie's BHM Instagram page to learn the method. Once you start seeing the rhett patts, you can't miss them anymore. Many women report that after years of dating one arsehole after the other, they found their Needle in the Haystack. Others have also found the rhett patt training useful in other parts of their lives.

Thank you very much indeed for this i will have a look 😊

Leave him now and give yourself a nice, early and deserved Christmas present!
It also sounds like you need to work on yourself to not put yourself in a position where you’re a year into an abusive relationship and finding excuses not to leave.